Life taken an unexpected turn for the better for ex - I feel hurt

[Popcorn71]

I found out today that my exBPDh has managed to pull off something I very much doubted would happen.  This will have a massive positive impact on his life, and in particular with the replacement.  I believe she is with him for his money and lifestyle that so far he has portrayed.  However, now this lifestyle is more of a reality for him (them).

I am very hurt and angry.  He will be financially secure now due to hard work I put in when we were together.  It was work I put in for 'our' future.  I would never have helped him as much as I did if I knew I was not going to have part of this future.  He would not have been able to do this on his own.

I feel used and ripped off.  He will reap the benefits of what I did for him for years to come and so will she.  This hurts because she cannot contribute anything.  She is an illiterate, single parent of grown up kids, who has never worked.  I think she is with him as an alternative to being on benefits.  But she has struck gold now.  And it feels as though it is 'my' gold!

I am upset that she is now going to live the life I had planned - the life we had planned.  The life that was only possible because of things I did for him.

My own life is good at the moment and I know I should not be bothered about him now.  But I can't help feeling this way.  I can't help wishing things would be bad for him because of all the s**t he caused for me and the way he treated me and my kids.  When will it be payback time?

[momtara]

I'm not going to say "don't let jealousy/anger get the best of you" because I believe it's human to feel as you do.

Maybe you need to become even more successful in order to get the 'revenge' you need.    Not easy, I know.

Well, you are a good person, if that helps... .

[LettingGo14]

My own life is good at the moment and I know I should not be bothered about him now.  But I can't help feeling this way.  I can't help wishing things would be bad for him because of all the s**t he caused for me and the way he treated me and my kids.  When will it be payback time?

I am so sorry Popcorn71.   I agree with momtara that it is important to acknowledge and allow your anger to exist, in a contained way, so that you can go through it.

I will tell you that I recently had an opportunity to spend time with my ex-girlfriend, and I realized that -- no matter how much I imagined her life -- her reality is still the same.   She's gone through my replacement already, and not much has changed internally.   It was a reality check for me.   

While you will never know what life is actually like for him (or her), you have done a great job working here for yourself (and your kids).   I send you much respect and empathy.

[Popcorn71]

Thanks for your kind replies.

I have thought about this for the last few hours and I realise that it is not actually him I am bothered about.  It is that I put 100% into our marriage and worked damned hard to help him with his work.  All the time he was promising me a future that I would never have.  It seems totally unfair that he has that future with somebody else and I have had to pick up the pieces and literally go back 10 years in my life.

However, I can see, thinking logically, that although it might all seem rosy now, things may catch up with him eventually.  He can't work forever and 'our' plan was for me to be the provider at that point (I am much younger than him).  What he probably hasn't thought about, is that the replacement will be unable to do this.  I wonder will he be so attractive to her when he can't earn all this money that she seems to enjoy spending.  She might be riding around in a flash car now and moving into a new home, but it will probably be very different in 5 years time when he is retired, on a state pension and most probably a grumpy old man.

When I was a year into our relationship, I totally worshipped him.  He was making promises, left, right and centre.  As time went on I became disappointed in him quite a lot.  He actually delivered on very few of those promises.  Looking back it was as though he gave just enough to keep me happy.  He gave what he really had to but nothing more.  Most of it never happened.  I still didn't realise that until recently.  It is only since he left that I can see I was the driving force and achiever.  I carried him for 9 years!

I guess all I can do, is focus on my own life.  When I think about all the changes and what I have done in the last 11 months, it is pretty impressive.  I've really picked myself up and got a lot done.  If I can do half as much in the next year, my life will be fantastic.  I just have to focus on that!

[momtara]

You're right - he still has BPD, and his happy life won't last.  If you feel burned up by all this, you could write an email to him and just not send it.  Sometimes that helps.

You probably dodged a bullet.  If you had kids with him, you'd be having custody struggles.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi popcorn, In my view, those w/BPD are largely "takers" and it seems that he took a lot from you, at least in terms of your work towards his present success.  Yet at the end of the day, he still has BPD and you have many more possibilities than he does, as you note.  I think your life will be fantastic next year, as you predict.  LuckyJim

[LettingGo14]

I guess all I can do, is focus on my own life.  When I think about all the changes and what I have done in the last 11 months, it is pretty impressive.  I've really picked myself up and got a lot done.  If I can do half as much in the next year, my life will be fantastic.  I just have to focus on that!

You really have done a lot of work, Popcorn71.   And, I agree that you can, and will, make your life fantastic.

[MommaBear]

Popcorn71,

I wanted to share with you a little about my situation, and some of the things I've learned since we seem to have so very much in common. I too, helped build the "man" by xhwBPD has become, and now some little naive young thing is reaping the benefits.

Here's the thing, my ex came from money, and I can tell you that wealth is just another tool for them to control, manipulate, terrify and guilt their loved ones with. I don't imagine her depending on his wealth will fare well in the foreseeable future. He will make her feel like human garbage, because she didn't rightfully "earn" his money (don't forget that inflated sense of entitlement so many of them have), whereas, you DID put in the effort. I expect that before long he'll be comparing her to you, telling her how she's lazy and unsupportive by comparison.

If he was a nightmare to live with when he was broke, this poor woman has an even bigger nightmare on the horizon the moment he starts using his assets to control her. Remember, money is power, and someone with the emotional maturity of a 6 year old probably won't yield power all that well.

And you? You developed skills. You helped him create that wealth, and now that he has it, he won't be able to use it to control you. This may seem like a hollow victory, but like me, we both dodged a serious bullet with these men. We both have skills, knowledge, wisdom, and these other women (poor unfortunate souls) don't have HALF our skills, and a BPD partner with even more tools to control them at their disposal.

Think about it. No amount of money on earth would make me go back to him, especially if he were to suddenly have more wealth and power with which to abuse me with.

As for your skills, he can never take that away from you. We're stronger for it, and them? They'll never feel secure because we'll be the last women they can ever be certain didn't marry them for their money.

[goldylamont]

It is only since he left that I can see I was the driving force and achiever.  I carried him for 9 years!

I guess all I can do, is focus on my own life.  When I think about all the changes and what I have done in the last 11 months, it is pretty impressive.  I've really picked myself up and got a lot done.  If I can do half as much in the next year, my life will be fantastic.  I just have to focus on that!

awesome Popcorn71. realizing you were the driving force behind the success in the r/s is very powerful. your frustration on him still benefiting from this is totally understandable. and you can't get this time back. yet, imagine what you do in these next 9 years, unencumbered and with your new found wisdom. wishing you the best!

[goldylamont]

and, if it helps, i find women driven to build a successful, shared dream to be incredibly sexy   some self-made man, some day, will thank his lucky stars when he finds you Popcorn71!

[seeking balance]

Popcorn,

I really hated the first time someone posted, "sometimes life just ain't fair"... .it pissed me off!

Be angry, it isn't fair.

Then let it go - as  you are doing right now.  Your life is just fine and YOU are just fine.

Peace,

SB

[maternal]

I totally understand that pain.  I was told that I "did nothing" for something that we were building together, and the moment I left, he got sole recognition for something that I put a LOT of work into and we should have both gotten the recognition for.  It makes me more competitive, it makes me want to "win" somehow... .but I have to keep reminding myself that it's not a contest. I just have to let it be and let things unfold as they may. 

This disorder sucks.  I don't hate him at all, but I hate his disorder with an umatched passion that I hope to also be able to let go of.  I do still recognize the gift that he's given me, this gift of rebirth, but this pain is too dang heavy sometimes.

In all reality, if he hasn't gotten any treatment or help for the disorder, then nothing will change.  It might seem lovely for him right now, but the disorder always wins and he'll never truly be "better" in any aspect of his life.

[Blimblam]

I can relate I helped my ex so much through hard times and when I needed some help she screws me over and somehow everything in life takes a turn forte better for her. All stuff I helped her so much to achieve when I needed her the most she wasn't there for me at all.

[blissful_camper]

I can relate to this thread as well.  My ex used to tell me that no one had ever "done so much for him" as I had.  I did a lot for him.  I did too much.

My ex is financially in a better place now, and is (on the surface) living a happy-worry free life with a replacement more than half of his age. Meanwhile, as many others are doing here, I spent the last year healing emotionally and financially from that mess.   

What's surface is surface, and we were all witnesses to that during our relationships.  My ex spun to others that our relationship was great (problem-free!) when in reality, behind closed doors, the r/s was riddled with problems, and his partner (me) was so so so unhappy.  I know that his disorder is replaying with my replacement.  His disorder has no other place to go except outward, directed as those close to him. 

Money may alleviate financial stressors and open doors, but it doesn't buy happiness, and it certainly can't buy a healthy relationship. 

We are all building our own empires, newer and healthier ones both internally and externally.  We've all learned a lot and there are brighter days on the horizon.  Hang in there, and keep the faith.   

[Mutt]

We are all building our own empires, newer and healthier ones both internally and externally.  We've all learned a lot and there are brighter days on the horizon.

Yes blissful_camper I feel like I'm rebuilding my kingdom.

I guess all I can do, is focus on my own life.  When I think about all the changes and what I have done in the last 11 months, it is pretty impressive.  I've really picked myself up and got a lot done.  If I can do half as much in the next year, my life will be fantastic.  I just have to focus on that!

You sound centered Popcorn_71 and wise.

"Nothing in the world will take away persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than an unsuccessful man with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent" ~ Calvin Coolidge

[Popcorn71]

We are all building our own empires, newer and healthier ones both internally and externally.  We've all learned a lot and there are brighter days on the horizon.

I have learned a lot and days are brighter, but even almost a year on, I am still deeply affected by the break-up or rather the way in which I was dumped so unexpectedly.


You sound centered Popcorn_71 and wise.

I am not so sure.  I don't feel centred and wise.  I have had no choice but to get on with things.  I have two kids to provide for.  Although i can say that the more I do, the more my confidence builds and I feel able to do more productive things.  But still nagging at the back of my mind is the thought that there must be something wrong with me because he preferred this replacement over me.  What is missing from me or what is so awful about me that I wasn't worth making an effort for?

Knowing what I should be thinking and doing is easy, actually doing it is more difficult.  I am consciously reminding myself all the time that I just have to make sure my life is good and forget the rest.  But forgetting is not easy to do.

[Popcorn71]

What's surface is surface, and we were all witnesses to that during our relationships.  My ex spun to others that our relationship was great (problem-free!) when in reality, behind closed doors, the r/s was riddled with problems,

I agree.  When I think back, to the outside world we had the perfect life. In public he was always Mr Charming.  However, even though he had me fooled and I was reasonably happy, he was being abusive to my son and my children were thoroughly miserable.  My ex obviously wasn't happy either because he chose to leave rather than sort out the mess he had caused.

So who knows what is really going on.

[Popcorn71]

I totally understand that pain.  I was told that I "did nothing" for something that we were building together, and the moment I left, he got sole recognition for something that I put a LOT of work into and we should have both gotten the recognition for.  It makes me more competitive, it makes me want to "win" somehow... .but I have to keep reminding myself that it's not a contest. I just have to let it be and let things unfold as they may. 

  I went through this too.  He stopped me from working and then moaned that I did nothing all day, even though things I did for him enabled him to be far more successful and earn more than he would have done on his own.

I am now at the competative stage and up until yesterday I was far ahead.  I have to remind myself too that I am not in competition with him.  I do really believe that long term I will achieve more and have a better life than him anyway.  I am just impatient!

[Popcorn71]

I can relate I helped my ex so much through hard times and when I needed some help she screws me over and somehow everything in life takes a turn forte better for her. All stuff I helped her so much to achieve when I needed her the most she wasn't there for me at all.

This is what hurts me too.  I got him through a really bad time in his life and sorted out all his problems.  Then just when things were going really well for us, except for a small problem with my son's behaviour, and I needed support, he just made things worse and then left.  I expected help and got a major kick in the guts instead.