Sister with BPD

[metallica17]

Hey,

I posted here a while ago, then got so busy with school and taking care of things with my family that I never really came back until now. Looking back, I really could've used some advice from the vast amount of experienced people on here at many points, I just never thought to get on here again. Anyway, I'm posting this in "Start Here" because this is basically a first post.

I have a sister with BPD. I know it, my parents know it, anyone who's around her long enough to see through the manipulation knows it, but she either doesn't know it or won't accept it. I've watched the situation progress, over a period of three or four years, from minor arguments when she was 15 or 16 to full blown physical assault, excessive drug use, unwanted pregnancy, etc. now, when she's 19. The issue is this. Tonight, I completely lost it with her and straight up yelled at her for a good 30 minutes because I'm so damn tired of all of it. I'm at the point where I'm cutting it between me and her and honestly, I don't feel bad about it. The thing is, my parents take a TON of abuse from her yet they work 24/7 just to provide her with all the luxuries she takes for granted. My parents complain about the abuse a lot yet THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I've told them hundreds of times that it isn't going to stop until you cut her out of your life, but they won't do it! I don't know which is more frustrating, dealing with my sister or watching my parents get verbally and/or physically abused by her, complain about it, then just go right back for more! Maybe someone can offer some insight into this because if I had any control over the situation, she would've been out a year ago for good.

Sorry for the length of this.

[Kwamina]

Hello metallica17

Welcome back! I can see why this situation frustrates you. You say that your parents know your sister has BPD and complain about her behavior a lot but do you also feel like they really acknowledge there's something seriously wrong with her? I read in your previous introductory thread that one of your sister's counselors suggested to your parents she might have BPD but that her psychiatrist was unwilling to come to this diagnosis because of her relatively young age. You also said that you researched BPD yourself, did your parents do this too? Are your parents fully aware what BPD means, not only from their own experiences but by studying the subject? Perhaps they aren't fully aware of the full extent of what it means to have BPD or maybe they're still in denial.

Another thing that comes to mind is that many parents find it hard to just throw their child out, especially when they see there's clearly something wrong with that child. Unfortunately parents then often also tend to neglect the toll this takes on them and how this affects any other children involved. It's almost like they're trying everything to save one child at the total expense of themselves and the other children. From your post I get the feeling that you might feel this way too. I'm sorry you're going through this difficult situation. Unfortunately just like you can't control your sister, you also can't control your parents so if they are unwilling to change it probably is best for you to focus on yourself and the things you can do to preserve or enhance your own emotional and mental well-being.

[Leelou]

I minimised contact after 20 years of trying with my sister.  As I don't feed her drama anymore she doesn't call me.  But at the moment we are going through another distortion campaign and the calls/texts started last night in earnest.  Trying to drag me into the drama.  My parents have finally said enough is enough after she physically assaulted my father a few weeks back, then called the police to accuse my dad of strangling her.  The police saw the state of my dad, black eyes, scratches and asked him if he wanted to press charges for domestic abuse/assault.  It is a living nightmare.  The latest is now accusations of abuse, as my parents have told her NO MORE contact.  It goes round and round in your head making you feel sick.

The only advice I can give is to listen and quietly stick to facts with your parents.  I think each person individually has to come to there own "end of the road" moment.  Your sister is still young and maybe your parents are hoping she grows out of it, that is what my parents thought.  All of the support and effort you give is never recognised, but every event is twisted so it is your fault and you are the bad person.  I would suggest starting a dairy of the abuse, recording your feelings about it as well.  I hope your parents don't experience what my parents have as it escalates out of control, they need to understand their safety in these abusive cycles is important and so is your own.  

Its not fair and its not right and no one seems to really understand the condition apart from people who have gone through it

Keep calm - the more you argue the more you feed her drama, the more you protest that this isn't right and she is wrong to your parents the more you feed her drama.  Its so frustrating but acceptance of this and self management is the only control you have.

I am not responding to any of the calls, its tempting as you think with the right words you can sort it out and make it calm.  I have realised I am not professionally trained to do this, there are people who have studied and trained for years to understand this disorder, this sickness.  I wish someone had warned us.  Keep calm, look after yourself first and please let me know if you are OK

[metallica17]

I minimised contact after 20 years of trying with my sister.  As I don't feed her drama anymore she doesn't call me.  But at the moment we are going through another distortion campaign and the calls/texts started last night in earnest.  Trying to drag me into the drama.  My parents have finally said enough is enough after she physically assaulted my father a few weeks back, then called the police to accuse my dad of strangling her.  The police saw the state of my dad, black eyes, scratches and asked him if he wanted to press charges for domestic abuse/assault.  It is a living nightmare.  The latest is now accusations of abuse, as my parents have told her NO MORE contact.  It goes round and round in your head making you feel sick.

The only advice I can give is to listen and quietly stick to facts with your parents.  I think each person individually has to come to there own "end of the road" moment.  Your sister is still young and maybe your parents are hoping she grows out of it, that is what my parents thought.  All of the support and effort you give is never recognised, but every event is twisted so it is your fault and you are the bad person.  I would suggest starting a dairy of the abuse, recording your feelings about it as well.  I hope your parents don't experience what my parents have as it escalates out of control, they need to understand their safety in these abusive cycles is important and so is your own.  

Its not fair and its not right and no one seems to really understand the condition apart from people who have gone through it

Keep calm - the more you argue the more you feed her drama, the more you protest that this isn't right and she is wrong to your parents the more you feed her drama.  Its so frustrating but acceptance of this and self management is the only control you have.

I am not responding to any of the calls, its tempting as you think with the right words you can sort it out and make it calm.  I have realised I am not professionally trained to do this, there are people who have studied and trained for years to understand this disorder, this sickness.  I wish someone had warned us.  Keep calm, look after yourself first and please let me know if you are OK

Thanks to both Leelou and Kwamina for your responses. I don't understand how you (Leelou) could put up with this kind of thing for 20 years. It's been four at the most for me and I can't take it anymore. You've got some serious endurance. Also, you're definitely right about everyone having their own "end of the road" moment. I had never thought of that before really.

Kwamina, what you said about parents finding it hard to throw their child out when there is clearly something wrong with them is about as accurate as it gets I think. I know my parents feel that way. So basically, if you look at people with BPD and their families in a more general way, it's easy to believe that these people use the love their family has for them as an excuse to do whatever it is they want to do. I thought about that a while ago and it really pisses me off, but really in the end I'm not sure if it's really their fault or not.

Such a tough situation. I wish this disorder didn't exist.

[metallica17]

Another thing I forgot to mention is the lying. I know a lot of people lie, but my sister lies about everything. Like by everything, I mean things that don't even matter, like she'll lie about something stupid and I have to ask myself "What the hell was the point of lying about that?" Just a few minutes ago, I caught her smoking pot in the backyard (by "caught" I mean I walked right up to her and she was smoking a j right in front of me), and I said "Why are you smoking pot here?" and she lied and said she wasn't, even though I was right there watching her do it. That's the kind of thing I mean. It makes no sense, it's like in her world there is no logic, not even a tiny shred of it. In your experience, have you noticed any of this kind of thing with BPD people?

Thanks again

[.cup.car]

I read this post about 30 times in a row while at work, totally convinced my ex's little sister had found her way to BPDF. I'd still be in a state of shock if it weren't for once sentence in the OP's post history mentioning that he's a guy.

Regardless, I'll give you the same advice I would give to her sister.

Some adults cannot properly deal with the "dark parts" of life, and some cannot comprehend how teenagers (even at 19-20-21) are capable of some pretty disturbing stuff. Instead of trying to fix the issue at hand, they choose to ignore it, downplay it, or simply let it continue to happen as an everyday type of thing. You have every right to be appalled by your sister's behavior, and you have every right to call her out on it. You aren't doing anything wrong, but it'll definitely take some stress off you if you are able to receive your parents cooperation.

Continuing to confront your sister about her destructive behavior within earshot of your parents might drill home the point to them that she needs help. After a while, your parents will not be able to ignore what's being presented to them. Tantrums, promiscuity, and drug use are not things they should accept in their home.

The more I read about people with BPD, the more I understand it as "supercharged emotions." They experience happiness, love, anger, sadness, etc at the same times we do, but their disorder causes these feelings to be so intense that they act based on that intensity - the same intensity you'd have if you found out you just won the lottery or a close relative died. Their actions are usually logical (taking into account how they feel), but they are not rational in the grande scheme of things. They may develop a crush on a classmate or coworker who shows a mutual interest towards them, but their supercharged emotions lead them to believe they MUST sleep with that person at a moments notice because the love interest cannot possibly anything but a soulmate. They may be punished accordingly for coming home past curfew, but their superchaged emotions lead them to believe this curfew and punishment is a form of abuse, and they MUST take some sort of action against the people who dealt the punishment. Again, it's really not all that illogical, but it's certainly irrational.

My mom has BPD and it's definitely hard to decide whether to cut her out of my life or not; what I've started to do is set boundaries for behavior that I do not tolerate from ANYBODY, and if my mom displays that behavior, I'll go NC. I think the same tactic might work for your sister. Another pregnancy, another crashed car, another boyfriend manipulated into calling the police... .etc... .- set a definite final straw, and make sure she knows it. It is entirely possible that she hasn't painted you black and still values you in her life; even in her self-inflicted chaos, she may try to avoid angering you. From there, you start imposing other "final straws" that are less severe to "bump her into line."

[Leelou]

Another thing I forgot to mention is the lying. I know a lot of people lie, but my sister lies about everything. Like by everything, I mean things that don't even matter, like she'll lie about something stupid and I have to ask myself "What the hell was the point of lying about that?" Just a few minutes ago, I caught her smoking pot in the backyard (by "caught" I mean I walked right up to her and she was smoking a j right in front of me), and I said "Why are you smoking pot here?" and she lied and said she wasn't, even though I was right there watching her do it. That's the kind of thing I mean. It makes no sense, it's like in her world there is no logic, not even a tiny shred of it. In your experience, have you noticed any of this kind of thing with BPD people?

ClaimsOfInnocence

I feel like I am listening to a mirror. Yes, yup, i am still trying to understand. I have read that non BPD experience a fact and then have a feeling I.e. You tell a joke (fact) and it makes me laugh, happy (feeling).  A person with BPD experience a feeling and then changes the facts to match the feeling.  The last time I was at a family event I was sat away from sister as she was being too loud and something happened with someone else that upset her and stormed out drunk drove herself home and left her baby for us to look after.  The next day when we drove her son home, she blamed me for the event and sent abusive texts to me.  On some level I am sure they see the sane person as the person who knows what they are up, which is emotionally too much for them, and they feel guilt so they try to justify themselves to you by saying you are wrong.  Even though you know what happened their take on reality makes you question yourself, if you haven't been down the road many time you try to justify yourself and in doing so give them the drama they need, or end up loosing your temper so you look like you are crazy!  My sister had a baby very young and we all hoped she would grow up, and we had to help her, we loved her child and she had us over an emotional barrel for all these years.  It doesn't get better, it just gets worse.  I have made my peace that I tried my best but it took a long time.  I still love her, but there is nothing back apart from extremes - she adores me or hates me.  The swings are in a couple of hours.  Not helped by pot and alcohol, BTW!  It's very creepy saying how beautiful and lovely I am (cringe) to hurling abuse and saying what a b___ I am!  Learning to meditate really helped and letting it go by laughing at the crazy making.  Sometimes I feel like my head is a washing machine - dirty, washing, rinsing, spinning, draining.  It's crazy that we all have so similar experiences, yet it's a hidden sickness.  It's awful but it's great to have a place where you feel you are not alone and that what has/is happening people believe you.  Let me know you are ok,