Follow up to my venting

[Danie14]

I’m angry, mostly all the time. I’m not an angry person. Never have been. For years I’ve been dealing with this stuff in my life, my immediate life. I’ve developed a very high reliance to this stuff. I try…hard…to not let it all get me spinning in my own self. It’s hard to not *react* sometimes.

For a very long time I thought something must be wrong with me. That this isn’t normal. This life that we live, that I live…it’s not normal. But I never really thought anything was wrong with him, I was always thinking it was me. For years…then…idk what happened….something must have happened to help me see…but I can’t tell you what it was or is.

I know I’ve prayed very hard for guidance, for a long time. I’ve prayed for clarity to be able to see…to really see…without the blinders or fog or whatever it is (I didn’t have the terms at the time). I worked on myself, I decided I wanted to be happy, really and truly happy…I found that inside myself. It’s not enough. It should be enough…if I believe all the psychology stuff I read, Buddha type of things I’ve read/practiced…and my own spirituality….my happiness starts within me….and that’s not enough for me.

I can *exist* and be happy anyplace I happen to be. I could be happy in a prison because it starts within me and I am a decent person worthy of feeling that inner happiness. I think of the horrible things other people have experienced and how they have been able to find the resilience to be happy inside themselves despite the tragic circumstances they may be in…and it’s not enough for me.

I am feeling…ungrateful and unappreciative at the moment. It’s a very weird thing. There are people who go thru so much worse than anything that I have gone thru and they are thankful and grateful to just be alive…and here I sit….feeling like I should be grateful to be alive, to breath, dance, sing…you get the point…

Anyway, it’s twisted thinking…I think…that I try to make myself be ok with what I have knowing full and well that what I have isn’t enough for me to be ok with it. I guess I feel a lot of things that I don’t know how to explain…heck, something’s I don’t even understand *how* to feel these things…mixed up inside myself…shoot, all over the place inside too.

For a long time I’ve been numb. Worked towards that and lied to myself about a lot of things. It’s not that I didn’t feel these things it’s that I felt them too much. There’s just too much to feel and so it’s been easier to not feel. Or pretend to not feel. There’s a storm raging inside me. It feels good but bad at the same time. I do still love the man but I know that it’s not enough to remain in this place anymore. I have accepted that if I stayed I will always feel this storm raging. I’ve decided that all the energy that I use for this could be better spent on other things. I’m not sure what those other things are but I know they are positive things that will help others in need…because bottom line I’m a giver and a caretaker, I’m someone who wants…no needs…to give my energy to others in a positive way to help. My H is a bottomless pit of need/want/demand…and all my help has not helped him…I’ve accepted that there is nothing I can do for him.

Like others here I’ve continued in this relationship for this long for the well-being of my children. I couldn’t possibly leave them in his care for extended periods of time…I couldn’t do that in good conscious. I’ve made this decision and I own that decision. All this time I’ve tried to get our marriage into a good place. I’ve read many books, I’ve cried and been vulnerable, I’ve prayed and listen for answers. I’ve talked and yelled and fussed and cared and cried some more. I’ve been understanding and patient and kind and compassionate and empathetic. I have tried my very best to help my children to protect them and show them how to live in a good way. I worry that I’ve done the wrong thing by staying but, like I said I own my decision and it will be what it will be.

My kids are healthy, happy, and thriving. They understand that they’re dad can be a ‘jerk’ and have told me to my face that he’s a jerk (my kids don’t cuss in front of me). They are introspective, and compassionate if not a little bit too empathetic (my daughter) or a little bit too hard (my son). They’re dad has never been overly or outrageously abusive towards them either physically, mentally, or emotionally. He has gotten very ‘strict’ with them and I’ve stepped in if I felt it was crossing a line and I took the brunt of the rage. I worry that they’ve learned this is the way to live…but then again I don’t worry all that much because my kids do tell me from time to time that what he does isn’t right…and I have not elaborated on this with them as I will not talk bad about him to them.

I believe my kids have a lot of happy memories because they didn’t really know what was going on behind the scenes. Maybe that’s wishful thinking on my part. My son talks about the time when the fish tank broke…he wonders how that happened…I will not remind him that his dad was in a dunking rage and punched it with his fist and then wouldn’t let me leave the house as he proceeded to break every dish in the kitchen by throwing them one by one to the floor….how does my son not remember this? Idk, maybe he does and he want’s conformation….but I won’t go there with him at this point (he’s only 17 now) maybe someday but not now.

I guess I’m just rambling now…I have no specific questions…but I’d appreciate some thoughts if you have any to share…

[seeking balance]

I am feeling…ungrateful and unappreciative at the moment. It’s a very weird thing. There are people who go thru so much worse than anything that I have gone thru and they are thankful and grateful to just be alive…and here I sit….feeling like I should be grateful to be alive, to breath, dance, sing…you get the point…

Comparing our pain to others is a way of minimizing ourselves... .no need to minimize your experience.  Anger is a very real part of the grief process and is directly proportionate to our level of pain.  Be mindful of how you process this anger, but don't shut it down - move through it.  A great time to take up kick-boxing 

I can remember being "sick and tired of being sick and tired" - I did the basics anyways.  I wrote gratitude lists when I didn't feel like it; wrote in my journal, let the tears flow - this phase will pass through, honestly, it will.

For a long time I’ve been numb. Worked towards that and lied to myself about a lot of things. It’s not that I didn’t feel these things it’s that I felt them too much. There’s just too much to feel and so it’s been easier to not feel. Or pretend to not feel. There’s a storm raging inside me. It feels good but bad at the same time. I do still love the man but I know that it’s not enough to remain in this place anymore. I have accepted that if I stayed I will always feel this storm raging. I’ve decided that all the energy that I use for this could be better spent on other things. I’m not sure what those other things are but I know they are positive things that will help others in need…because bottom line I’m a giver and a caretaker, I’m someone who wants…no needs…to give my energy to others in a positive way to help. My H is a bottomless pit of need/want/demand…and all my help has not helped him…I’ve accepted that there is nothing I can do for him.

Living with someone who constantly needs and cannot maintain happy or balance is exhausting for anyone.  We do our best, that is all we can do - staying in this environment with the way you feel will  continually increase that anger ... .sometimes it really is the anger that gets us to act in our best interest.

Keep processing.  You are not alone in going through these feelings.

Peace,

SB

[MommaBear]

Been there, don't even know where to start.

It's tough when we have children, because we need to navigate between doing what's best for our kids (as the sole "sane" parent) and doing what's best for ourselves (that is, trying to stay sane for their benefit and ours). This demands that we have regular contact with the exes, who undermine every shred of effort we put into being healthy, functional role models for our kids. Not to mention the toll they take on our kids ... .

It's a massive role to fill, and one I'm learning to deal with each and every day.

Support groups like this help a ton. Sometimes I find it refreshing just to be around people who GET IT.

Right now, I'm putting all my energy into myself (I need to be a good mother, but also an EXTRA good mother. After all, I'm not just a single parent, I'm the single parent of a kid whose father has BPD, and that will no doubt take its toll as well), and into my kid.

I have to remind myself that getting healthy and getting into a good, strong place emotionally is in the little one's best interest as well. If mom isn't happy, no one is, right?

But anger is normal. I still feel it some days, but gradually it's getting better. I take my anger out on weights and a treadmill. Self-destructive behavior is a luxury I don't have, even for a short while.

Remember, everything you do for yourself, you do for your children as well. If you work to get healthy and centered, you give them the stable parent your ex clearly can't provide.

It gets easier, one day at a time.  

[thereishope]

I feel like I am exactly where you are.  I ask myself why, after a "few good days" with uBPDh, where he has been calm, communicative, intimate with me... .am I on this message board again? Why do I have this unhappy feeling that never goes away?  I too, feel selfish, self-focused, insensitive, like somehow it must be my fault, blah blah blah... .I just know that no matter what I do or have tried, I have no inner peace.  I wish I could step into a time capsule and beam into another life where I don't have to deal with any of the emotional chaos I feel anymore... .Real healthy right? 

I can relate too with your anger statements.  This relationship and BPD has brought out very ugly, frustrated, blatantly angry feelings inside me.  I know I have to face, feel and deal with them directly instead of burying them.

I am a Christian who is an encourager, and my greatest desire is to serve God and those who are hurting, freely, as led by Him on any particular day.  Instead, my days, moments are filled with accommodating this needy disorder, and pouring all of myself and my resources into a bucket with holes that can never be filled... .

[Danie14]

Thank you for your kind and caring thoughts. I really appreciate it.

I'm pretty good at keeping myself consistent in the face of turmoil. I'm pretty good at being content and peaceful in the face of adversity. One thing I've heard over and over in my life by others is that I'm a very calm person. Level headed.

Now, to counterbalance this I have to say that if there's something that moves me deeply there's very little that will change my course when I set my mind to something. Ie: Yes, I've gone off the rails from time to time for what I believed have been good reasons... .and to be honest, there are times when I've been white hot angry and seething without  much thoughts happening inside.

And this situation has been present in my life for a good long time. I practically grew up with this in my life. I met him when I was 21 yrs old, first real boyfriend, only long term relationship.

I think that this part of myself has also contributed to how I ended up here, in this relationship with him for so long. Many of my friends wouldn't have been able to stay in this situation. Some say I'm a strong for staying others think I'm weak... .I think it's a mixture of both.