Restraining orders and BPD

[Frankcostello]

If any of you have ever had a restraining order filed against you.  I want to hear from some of you how you overcame emotionally the effects of having to go through the process. 

If many of you don't know restraining orders are initially given ex parte meaning the other party isn't around when they are issued.  A hearing is usually scheduled within two weeks after that to determine whether to make the restraining order permanent at which point both parties are at the hearing. 

I unfortunately had to go through the process at one point, about two years ago.  My exBPDgf filed a restraining order against me for stalking.  About a month after my exBPDgf broke up with me, disappeared, bad mouthed me to everyone, and blocked me, I ran into her two blocks from my house with another guy even though she lived about 10 miles away, she was in my neighborhood, I didn't say a word to her that day. That did not stop her from trotting into the court a whole 6 days later and telling a judge that she was scared of me stalking her.  She forgot to mention to that judge that she was two blocks from my house  when i ran into her, minor details. If anybody needed a restraining order it was one against her.  So the judge granted her a temporary restraining order and a hearing for two weeks after that.  I get served at home about three days later.  I can laugh about it now, but even though my exBPDgf waited 6 days to file a restraining order because I was "stalking" her two blocks from my house she wanted an emergency hearing within 5 days.  Usually a hearing is scheduled within two to three weeks to give the other party time to prepare, but somehow my exBPDgf wanted an emergency hearing within 5 days because there should be no reason why I would deserve due process and it didn't matter that she had waited 6 days to file.  The court denied her request for an emergency hearing which wasn't needed in the first place. 

So two weeks after that I show up at the hearing.  You would've thought we were at a party, my exBPDgf showed up to the hearing with an entourage of about 15 of her friends, apparently for "moral support" because none of them were witnesses because I hadn't done anything wrong except to run into my exBPDgf two blocks from my house. So my exBPDgf and her entourage of friends sit in the back of the courthouse and they are giggling and laughing, the bailiff tells them to stay quiet as we are waiting to get called up.  I ask for a continuance, not because I had done anything wrong but because the judge presiding that day was the same judge who had issued the initial temporary restraining order with little evidence except my exBPDgf's contracted version of events.  I didn't want to take the chance that it would be a permanent restraining order because of a judge who wouldn't admit to their own mistake.  So the continuance is granted that day for a new hearing two weeks after that.  The first words out of my exBPDgf's mouth after the continuance is granted are "what about the restraining order, I want to keep it going". 

Two weeks after that initial hearing, a new hearing is scheduled with a new judge, this time only one my exBPDgf's friends showed up for "moral support".  By this time, I've had a temporary restraining order for about a month in effect, it was easy to adhere to it during that time because I didn't want anything to do with my exBPDgf.  So by this time I had responded and filed my written response to my exBPDgf's initial restraining order complaint before this hearing.  Even though I had done nothing wrong I still needed time to write a response and prepare for the hearing because a permanent restraining order can have long term implications.  This time to write a response was probably something that my exBPDgf didn't want me to have because she had no evidence, which is why I presume she wanted an emergency hearing.  Another thing that got me was my exBPDgf's initial restraining order complaint was about two sentences long in total with vague generalizations like "I was walking and saw him but didn't talk to him".  In my response I stated that she was two blocks from my house which she conveniently forgot to mention in her complaint.  I also mentioned that she had a history of mental and anger issues which I believed was the reason she filed for a restraining order in the first place.  So at the hearing, the judge asked me if I had talked to her during the temporary restraining order, I of course had not, and I'm assuming he had read my written response to the restraining order which was three pages long with details regarding what I was doing and my exBPDgf's history as well, that she had thrown things at me, called me derogatory names and that I had not responded to it.  I didn't want to leave anything to chance. The judge denied my exBPDgf's request for a permanent restraining order and I walked out of the courthouse and never saw nor wanted to hear or see my exBPDgf ever again. 

In many ways, I would consider myself lucky because I know that things could have turned out differently even though I had done nothing wrong.  I won't guess or assume as to why my exBPDgf filed for a restraining order or why she kept trying to push for a permanent restraining order. 

At one point I really cared for her and thought that I could help her.  However, at the end I saw who she really was, and I probably saw it as well during our 10 month relationship but I ignored the red flags which I blame myself for.

The temporary restraining order process lasted about a month before it was denied.  However, emotionally it affected me for about a year afterwards because I had felt betrayed by someone who I thought cared about me.  Apparently I was wrong.  The process took a toll not just emotionally but financially as well because for about a year after my finances were in shambles and I went through a little bit of a depression as well.  But over time things got easier and I forgave myself and moved on.

I am not the same person in many ways that I used to be.  Part of it I suppose is a given that I'm getting older, another part of it is it brought a lot of realism into my life as I used to be a little more idealistic with things. This experience taught me that it's ok to be idealistic but make sure to see the realism too. 

I also read on another post that restraining order seem to be common with BPD's.  Maybe they are, prior to my experience with my exBPDgf I had never heard of BPD, that whole experience was a wake up call.  She was an emotional vampire, who had a bottomless pit of needs.  She lied, manipulated, cheated, and betrayed me.  I forgave myself for ever caring about her, and I wish her well in life but I want nothing to do with her.

[Overbeck]

My restraining order from her was served 2 years ago on August 14th. We had another breakup the week before that was so dark and hideous that I felt absolute relief all week. I had went out on 2 dates with a woman that week and felt that my Borderline alcoholic ex was gone for good.

Then on a Saturday I saw her walking her dog in the center of town. When she saw me, she started running away. Funny, but not worth what happened next. Then the sheriff knocked at my door.

I laughed it off at first but as the hours past I threw up twice. My head was spinning. I had lost total control of my bodily functions. I could not stop shaking.

I fought the order.

But the price was horrible. To prepare my case, I went to retrieve a police incident from that past March where claimed she was assaulted by 2 men at a convenience store. I took her to the police station and the cops said they were certain she made the whole thing up to gain attention from me.

In the report from that night, when the police officer was interviewing her---and I was in the next room with another cop talking---she told the cop that I beat and raped her daily.

Reading the report, 6 months later, I threw up in the lobby of the police station. I never knew she said that.

In the end, my lawyer advised me to accept a mutual restraining order. We were to avoid each other. Nothing on a permanent record. Nothing admitting blame. It essentially said neither of us could initiate contact with the other. I did it.

That November I went to get on the bus to campus. I turned around and 12 inches behind me waiting to get on the same bus was her. We stared at each other and I broke the silence saying that what happened was ridiculous. She agreed and when we got off the bus we went into the nearest building and talked for 20 minutes.

We reconciled soon after. We wrote the judge and asked for the mutual to be removed. We stayed fairly happy for about 6 months. And then she started lying to me about drinking and other things.

How did I deal with it? I didn't. Two years later I still feel that pain and paranoia. I was stupid enough to go back. And I doubt I can ever forgive myself---especially given what has transpired between us this year.

She is death. And I do not plan on dying anytime soon.

[Frankcostello]

Mine was also served about two years ago.  It was a traumatic experience that has been hard to get over for me because I always considered myself playing by the rules.  But the restraining orders are sometimes given out like if they are candy.  So when I got served with the temporary restraining order I also felt like throwing up because of the feeling of betrayal from someone who I cared about.  In the end it was more likely because she had been saying all along that she wasn't with anyone else or seeing anyone but that night that I saw her I caught her in her lie.  It wasnt the only time that my exBPDgf had lied to me, but her way of dealing with her own lies was to try to make me look bad to deflect the blame.  I sometimes feel the pain of the betrayal and having had to go through a restraining order process but I'm glad I fought it and didn't give an inch and it was denied.

[swimjim]

I got served with a false restraining order by My exBPDgf that was thrown out in court. I felt humiliated and have never been the same since. When they paint you black, they view you as evil. This is a woman who begged me to marry her after dating for five months. Although I was vindicated in court, The experience has shaken My foundation when it comes to self esteem. I was never a threat to her. She had to know that but wanted to humiliate me for not getting her a ring earlier in our relationship.

[swimjim]

My exBPDgf made up a list of allegations that she did not have to prove. Although I had a paper trail to prove she was lying, the judge never considered that she purgered herself in court. The burden of proof was on me to prove My innocence.She waisted My time and the courts time and there were no repercussions for her. How crazy is that?

[irishmarmot]

My expwBPD did the same thing.  She lied to the judge and despite a police report that contradicted what she said the judge granted the order anyway.  It was the best thing that ever happened to me because it ordered me to go NC and I was able to detach from her.  It also showed me the character of the person I was dealing with and who wants to be with someone like that.  I am now seeing a woman that is kind and caring and full of love.  I harbour no ill feelings torward my ex.  My character shined through that very unpleasant experience.   I don't miss her at all but it took time to get through it.  The nightmare is over and I am free.

[blindjoe]

Guess I'm not alone on this one.

This happened a few years ago. I had broken up with her (for the nth time because I was feeling so terrible about some violence I had experienced). I sent her a text after the breakup saying I'd "see her online" - meaning Facebook, in response to something she said. The next day she called me, I didn't pick up.

Two days after breaking up with her, the police show up at my door and hand me a temporary restraining order, and a court date.

I read what she wrote, it was all BS. She had filed it a few hours after she tried to call me the day before. She said I stated that I was going to post nude pictures of her on the internet and that I was threatening her.

I got a lawyer, filed a response which clearly showed (with text message proof, and screenshots of her attempts to contact me throughout the period of the restraining order) that I had no intention of 'harassing' or 'stalking' or 'threatening' her.

In court, I didn't need to go because I had a lawyer. The lawyer told me she said she lied when she filed the report to the judge. It was dropped.

Stupid me got back with her a few weeks after that.

[Frankcostello]

The sad part is they suffered no repercussions as a result of their perjury, however people like us had to defend ourselves from false accusations because it is presumed that you are guilty in these types of cases and you have to prove that you are not the stalker, harrasser, abuser they portray us to be.

[blindjoe]

The sad part is they suffered no repercussions as a result of their perjury, however people like us had to defend ourselves from false accusations because it is presumed that you are guilty in these types of cases and you have to prove that you are not the stalker, harrasser, abuser they portray us to be.

Yeah, this is what really irked me.

I had proof that, if anything, she was not only breaking the restraining order she filed, but did so under false pretenses. More than that, I had pretty ample evidence that if anyone was abusive, it was her.

My lawyer even said there was no point in trying to get her in trouble, as it would only make me look like the guilty party (being a man) and would likely make matters worse.

She basically explained that, even if she was lying, she is by law more right than me, unless she says in court that she lied or wants to drop the restraining order.

I then learned that when she went to file the report, she wasn't too sure about doing so, but they actually had people there to help women file restraining orders, and even write the report for them.

[.cup.car]

I then learned that when she went to file the report, she wasn't too sure about doing so, but they actually had people there to help women file restraining orders, and even write the report for them.

I can confirm this. In November my father assaulted my aunt and I (he has his own set of problems), and the day I spent in the Law Courts building to get the restraining order gave me a lot of insight to how the process goes.

In my case, two older ladies wrote the report for me, and they weren't as concerned about the facts I'd presented to them (I brought the police report of the assault and recordings of my father being verbally abusive with me), but the who thing revolved around the concept of "getting the judge to pass the order." Even though I most certainly did need a restraining order against my father, their choice of words in the report made me sound like some hopeless child begging to get away from an evil monster. It was ridiculous.

I can see how people with BPD are able to exploit this system. BPD girls live in an unfortunate state of arrested development, as if you took a perpetually hormonal 12 year old and gave it the body and power of an adult. This is an especially dangerous combination because attractive girls, no matter how crazy, are essentially allowed to get away with anything in our society. These girls will be incredible manipulators and will turn people against you, since there is never a shortage of white knights ready to assuage a pretty girl's perceived distress. The combination of impunity and impulsiveness makes them prime targets to throw out a false rape accusation, destroy your property, stalk you, and attempt to ruin your life from the inside out.

[Tausk]

This is very dangerous and shaky ground. My ex tried to get an RO, but couldn't.  And the system will always favor a crying terrified woman who is genuinely believes that her ex is evil.

A pwBPD is a traumatized three year old, who thinks largely in pure good or pure evil. She cannot, process both good and flawed in her mind.  And I am pure evil now.  My ex cannot process what happened to us.  Why we are apart.  So the only reason that seems valid in her limited emotional mind is that I am evil.  And when she sees or hears from me, in her mind I am evil. 

So in her limited capacity, the punitive parent and angry child modes come to surface which seeks to punish me.  Because she feels hurt when seeing me, so it much be my fault because I was abusive. 

Depersonalize as best as you can, and use it as evidence that the Disorder is real.  And the Disorder always wins.  The only way to leave is a victim.

[swimjim]

Tausk is spot on. I would have never dreamed in a million years that My exBPDgf would have tried to take me to court for a restraining order. To this day, I still don't k.ow if it was punishment or if she was feeling really threatened by me in her distorted thinking after splitting me black. I was never a threat nor a stalker. I will never understand.

[Vexed]

My exBPDgf wanted to file for a restraining order on her ex husband.  I tried to talk her out of it, maybe I influenced her or not but she let it go.  She had zero reasons to file for one they had kids together and I tried to tell her all it would do is make her life harder with pickup dropoffs.  Anyway its a control thing, so yes I think its common, anything they can do to exert control or power they will use.

[Overbeck]

I crossed paths with my psychotic ex Wednesday. We practically ran into each other.

I've been waiting for the restraining order since. I contacted my lawyer. I move $2k over to my secondary bank account knowing I'd fight it.

Nothing yet. Most likely not coming. But the fact that I've done this shows you the hideous effect her poisonous cancer has on me.

[statsattack]

Ran across this topic and curious what legal stratgergies you have for fighting these?

[Skip]

Do you have a pending RO?

[statsattack]

Yeah and can't find a lawyer in my state who has the type of ruthlessness to fight it and turn into a personal injury case

[jasmine-1234]

I can see the differences in the sexes/genders with BPD. It seems the females really take advantage of the "damsel in distress".  One of my friends is dealing with one now.

My ex was involved with a Restraining Order with my neighbor.  My Neighbor complained about me smoking cigarettes for over a year. Then B comes along and heroicly saves me from him.

In the meantime, he's taunting the neighbor, so much the the neighbor gets scared and peppersprays B in the face!  The police come, B is screaming from pain, and we have to file a report. 

Then there's about 3 times in court, double Restraining Orders going on.  B was acting so strange! One minute he looks like he's asleep, then the next he's so emotional and emboldened that the judge asks him to sit in the back of the courtroom.  I just couldn't believe that was my life!

It seemed like a stupid movie.  So instead of "damsel in distress", B came as the "knight in shining armor".  and they know us so well... .