Feel alone/helpless/hopeless about caring for a BPD mother

[Georgette]

Hi all.I registered about a week ago & this is my first post.I'm a 45 year old female caring for a 75 year old mother with BPD.My father passed away 7 years ago & my only sibling lives half way around the world.I myself suffer from depression so it's a case of the mentally ill caring for the mentally ill.Mum was diagnosed about 30 years ago as having chronic depression then another psychiatrist said it was bipolar then finally she was diagnosed with BPD about 10 years ago I think.I had never heard of BPD but when I started researching into the condition it explained lots for me.I perceive it as this black force that takes over Mum & when she has a psychotic episode it doesn't allow me to recognise my mother any longer.She transforms into a malicious,vindictive,cruel person who sucks the life out of me.The conundrum is that we are refugees from Vietnam.We were one of the boat people who escaped a Communist country & ended up in Australia in 1979.My parents sacrificed everything for me & my brother so we both could have a future defined by freedom & possibilities.Both Dad & Mum were teachers back in Vietnam but when they got to Sydney both had to work in manual labour jobs to raise us.What I'm trying to say is that I love my parents dearly & I just cannot walk away from Mum simply because I can't deal with her BPD.Anyway,as I said before I'm her sole carer.She has nobody else.After Dad died,my husband & I moved in with her & it backfired spectacularly!Ambulances & police officers were called to the unit.Anyway,I found the courage to move knowing how BPD patients are petrified of abandonment.I now live down the road but visit her weekly.I try my best to help her in any way I can but still find her condition very challenging to deal with.Many times I've felt deeply alone,angry,frustrated & hopeless.Many times I've felt like a rat running on a wheel-moving and yet staying static simultaneously.I have also entertained myself with suicidal thoughts but know that it's not an option because Mum would be utterly lost & my brother would have to move back to Sydney with his family.All the ramifications are adverse.I am overwhelmed with a deep sense of sorrow.Does anybody else comprehend?

[Kwamina]

Hi Georgette  

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to bpdfamily! Dealing with a BPD parent often isn't easy at all and I think many of our members can comprehend the struggles you're going through. Many of our members have one or more BPD parents too and will be able to relate to aspects of your story. I can definitely relate to feelings of anger, frustration, hopelessness and feeling like you're all alone. You're not completely alone anymore now that you've joined our loving online community

I think it's great that in spite of everything you still are able to feel love and compassion for your mother and deceased father. The way you describe your family's past makes clear that your family has been through a lot and that your parents have also sacrificed a lot. I understand why you feel like you would never ever abandon your mother. I have a uBPD mother too and I also feel like I would never abandon her. However that doesn't have to mean that we gotta accept everything they do because we don't. There are several options and several levels of contact we can have with our BPD parent. Boundaries can help you protect yourself and I believe you moving out probably was a very good decision indeed. You still live close to her but at least you placed some distance between the two of you.

You point out that you have entertained suicidal thoughts before, is this behind you now or still something you struggle with? Did you get therapy to deal with these thoughts?

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Georgette

I would also like to welcome you here and tell you that you are definitely not alone!  There are so many things that go round and round when caring for a BPD mum aren't there? it can feel like no matter how much you do it is not enough and quite often underappreciated or criticised for not doing more.

I think it was brave of you to write your story and reach out. i can imagine it would have been a difficult time for you when coming to Australia as a refugee (I am also down under but a way away from Sydney!) i do recall the anti refugee sentiment being high. My parents emigrated from overseas and I recall a lot of prejudice and racism in the 70's. It must have been very very hard to travel to another country and start a whole new life.

It's great that you are sympathetic to your mum's condition, but as Kwamina says, not all of the things she may do are things that you have to tolerate.

have you had a chance to do any reading at all? there are some great resources here that will help you to make choices to keep yourself safe and sane!

This is an article I found very useful to read as a starter: https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

It deals with fear obligation and guilt

Anyway I'm glad you have joined us Georgette. Hope to hear more of your story

Ziggiddy

[Light-worker]

Hi, I am new to this site. I don't have all the answers but I just wanted to say welcome and you are not alone. I understand your feelings and I have a BPD mother and I do know how awful it is. It seems like there is a lot of help on here. I wish you well x

[Leelou]

Hi all.I registered about a week ago & this is my first post.I'm a 45 year old female caring for a 75 year old mother with BPD.My father passed away 7 years ago & my only sibling lives half way around the world.I myself suffer from depression so it's a case of the mentally ill caring for the mentally ill.Mum was diagnosed about 30 years ago as having chronic depression then another psychiatrist said it was bipolar then finally she was diagnosed with BPD about 10 years ago I think.I had never heard of BPD but when I started researching into the condition it explained lots for me.I perceive it as this black force that takes over Mum & when she has a psychotic episode it doesn't allow me to recognise my mother any longer.She transforms into a malicious,vindictive,cruel person who sucks the life out of me.The conundrum is that we are refugees from Vietnam.We were one of the boat people who escaped a Communist country & ended up in Australia in 1979.My parents sacrificed everything for me & my brother so we both could have a future defined by freedom & possibilities.Both Dad & Mum were teachers back in Vietnam but when they got to Sydney both had to work in manual labour jobs to raise us.What I'm trying to say is that I love my parents dearly & I just cannot walk away from Mum simply because I can't deal with her BPD.Anyway,as I said before I'm her sole carer.She has nobody else.After Dad died,my husband & I moved in with her & it backfired spectacularly!Ambulances & police officers were called to the unit.Anyway,I found the courage to move knowing how BPD patients are petrified of abandonment.I now live down the road but visit her weekly.I try my best to help her in any way I can but still find her condition very challenging to deal with.Many times I've felt deeply alone,angry,frustrated & hopeless.Many times I've felt like a rat running on a wheel-moving and yet staying static simultaneously.I have also entertained myself with suicidal thoughts but know that it's not an option because Mum would be utterly lost & my brother would have to move back to Sydney with his family.All the ramifications are adverse.I am overwhelmed with a deep sense of sorrow.Does anybody else comprehend?

Hi Georgette,

How awful for you.  You sound like you are the peace keeper in the family, your feelings don't matter you keep going and going, as other loss or feelings are more important than your own, that is what you've learnt.  Keep visiting your mom if you you wish, but you can never, ever get what you need - love and appreciation for all your sacrifices.  Make time for you, a massage, a pedicure, a hair cut and savour time for you.  You are important, you need to make time for you.  This will make you stronger to deal with the attacks.  But remember it is not your fault, not your problem it's hers.  You sound like a wonderful person who is compassionate and caring.  Look after you