i do not understand the projection and mirroring

[thereishope]

You've already been given lots insights.

My understanding of the mirroring phase is;

BPD's lack a defined or consistent sense of self so they are constantly seeking this in others.

When they find a suitable partner / host they attach to us in a desperate attempt to share our sense of self.  They do this by mirroring back an idealised image of our self image - how we want the world see is (false self). Strong, loyal, clever, capable

Whatever qualities we most value and want to project.

For many of us this idealised self, or false self was a coping mechanism or armour that we developed to protect ourselves from childhood injury and vulnerability.

It's not to say that we may not have any of these qualities but for a while BPDs almost embrue them and us with a divine fire of perfection.

For us (and there are reasons why we end up these relationships) this mirroring / idealisation of how we want the world to see us (not how we actually are) is incredibly powerful and addictive

Depending on our narcissistic traits we not only feel that we've finally met someone who can see us for who we really are (or want to be)  - we feel that we're even better than we ever imagined.

Either way this mirroring fills a deep need or emptiness in us.

But it's not real

Eventually when the relationship deteriorates, and it always does  (engulfment, fear of abandonment, unstable sense of self and all the other dynamics which define a relationship with BPD) they began to devalue us.

And this glorious reflection of our idealised self (which was never real) begins to crack. 

This conversation is helping my understanding so much!  I definitely had to come to grips over the last year with my projected self vs. my REAL self... .I didn't realize I had been hiding so much beneath an exterior of what I wanted to be and what I wanted others to think I was... .God has been faithful to reach beneath the shell and start peeling all those fake layers away... .to reveal what I really am, and allow me to actually start pursuing becoming better and better FOR REAL!  Add a uBPDh to the mix, and it has been a very long, chaotic journey!  I do trust though, that everything happens for a reason, and I AM GOING TO BE better and stronger for it, in the long run, by God's grace! 

Thank you all for sharing your insights! <><

[thereishope]

Wow cared that is so well put!   It makes so much sense.   I guess I was putting my focus on what it is we attach to.  What kind of helped me stop seeing her as my soulmate.  

I remember times I saw her change masks it was so weird.  

I think the focus on letting go of my ex kept me stuck on her even more.  

Blim, they can only hold that mask up for too long during idealization.  Its too heavy after a while.  And we are getting too close.  This is the trigger that initiates the d/d.  The d/d behaviors hurt US as we are now trauma bonded to our own idealized parent, partner, best friend wrapped all in one in our " soulmate" triggering our then reactions to hold onto that which we so desperately wanted in our core child . And never got. We are holding on for dear life to our idealized parent, partner, best friend " soulmate" who was never real.

We are trauma bonded and left in TRAUMA BETRAYAL to a fantasy.  That we DESPERATELY not only want back.  Now that we "FINALLY  found it "  in our " soulmate". We NEED it back. Its now mothers milk.  We are now becoming not only the lonely child in our core, we are truly becoming the abandoned child now too.  

If we don't take the time to reverse the effort of being the forever victim of this interaction and only concentrate on ruminating on all of our present hurt from the end of the BPD r/a we will indeed repeat the pattern. We will indeed attract another who needs rescuing.  We will indeed attempt to rescue and rewrite the ending with another emotionally unavailable partner we cannot fix. We will continue to put the effort into the why me? Again? And forever stay stuck feeling attracted to those very same partners who appeal to us with the very same inner needs.

And end up feeling just like we have while here.

Brilliantly stated. I want to learn the lesson this time around... .

[thereishope]

Exactly!

And it is our pride that blinds us to the fact that it a red flag. And we slowly are conditioned I this behavior throughout the relationship.  

That's why they call us needy. Because we feel like we need them to validate ourselves in this way and when they are inconsistent with our own fantasy of them as an object that we mistake as that part of ourselves that internalizes self validation. We put pressure on them to get back inline with the way we want to see them and they see us as controlling.  

A lot of the devaluing is actually just them telling us our fantasy of who they are isn't real and in our denial we don't accept that and pressure them to continue in that role and that pisses them off and they up the ante thinking we are so dumb that we can't see it.

This is stated so well!  Excellent way to put things!  This topic, and all of these insights are soo helpful today!

[thereishope]

Its like passing down the china, the jewlery and anything "valuable" from a generation to the next. We were granted this chance of the BPD experience to break the cycle thrpugh generations.

What an EXCELLENT WAY to look at this... .I am going to adopt this.  Now, not only do I want to change for myself and my kids, but the understanding of completely breaking an entire generational cycle is amazing... .What a privilege and opportunity to change my family and generations to come for GOOD! 

Thanks for sharing!  <><

[Caredverymuch]

Wow cared that is so well put!   It makes so much sense.   I guess I was putting my focus on what it is we attach to.  What kind of helped me stop seeing her as my soulmate.  

I remember times I saw her change masks it was so


Blim, they can only hold that mask up for too long during idealization.  Its too heavy after a while.  And we are getting too close.  This is the trigger that initiates the d/d.  The d/d behaviors hurt US as we are now trauma bonded to our own idealized parent, partner, best friend wrapped all in one in our " soulmate" triggering our then reactions to hold onto that which we so desperately wanted in our core child . And never got. We are holding on for dear life to our idealized parent, partner, best friend " soulmate" who was never real.

We are trauma bonded and left in TRAUMA BETRAYAL to a fantasy.  That we DESPERATELY not only want back.  Now that we "FINALLY  found it "  in our " soulmate". We NEED it back. Its now mothers milk.  We are now becoming not only the lonely child in our core, we are truly becoming the abandoned child now too.  

If we don't take the time to reverse the effort of being the forever victim of this interaction and only concentrate on ruminating on all of our present hurt from the end of the BPD r/a we will indeed repeat the pattern. We will indeed attract another who needs rescuing.  We will indeed attempt to rescue and rewrite the ending with another emotionally unavailable partner we cannot fix. We will continue to put the effort into the why me? Again? And forever stay stuck feeling attracted to those very same partners who appeal to us with the very same inner needs.

And end up feeling just like we have while here.

Brilliantly stated. I want to learn the lesson this time around... .

There is hope, this is what we all need to learn  this time. We are all grieving much more than just a person. As the FOG lifts it becomes more apparent and perhaps the gift of the pBPD interaction that hurt us to the core.  Not easy work but here's the true opportunity to rewind our lives and play it full and right moving foreward