When was your awakening to BPD?

[Ziggiddy]

It seems like I have read and thought and wondered and studied and researched and talked and written so much in the last few months that I can't exactly remember how I 'awakened' to the existence of BPD in my mother.

Did you have a   moment? Or was it more a growing knowing? What happened to catalyse things for you? Would love to know how you knew!

[claudiaduffy]

Fourteen years ago, when I was in college and taking advantage of the free counselors available to me - during a time in which I was spending hours on long-distance cards on the commons phone (this was just before cell phones became widespread) listening to my mom talk about how she wanted to kill herself - one of the counselors said "your mother seems to be exhibiting borderline personality disorder behavior." I had never heard the term before and thought that "borderline" was a modifier for "personality disorder", thought the counselor was saying my mom was sort-of behaving like she had a disorder. So I didn't ask further questions, asking instead for help on stopping feeling so guilty and like I was still a kid who had to obey. I stopped with that counselor soon after because she was a little too sweet/girly for me, and moved to a counselor whom I had better interaction with, but the BPD name was never brought up again.

Fast forward nine years to when I was working in a church office. I'd grown in my conviction that my mom was not right in the head, but could not find anyone who could put their finger on why it was that mere depression, rage, paranoia and control issues were not the total of her problem, and why "normal" coping techniques didn't work for me in relation to her. I was struggling mightily with trying to break free, but not knowing what I was trying to break free from. Not knowing how to not cave to the trump card of the fact that my mom really did WANT to be a good mom/person and really did obviously TRY... .some of the time.

In the course of my duties in the church office, I fielded a phone call from a woman (a wife of someone who had been attending) who wanted to speak with the pastor. He was in a meeting, but she wouldn't take no for an answer, and wouldn't give me a message and let me hang up. She kept me on the phone for over an hour, talking in crazy circles, manipulating me like my mom always did. It baffled me because I had never come across this tactic with anyone other than my mom, and was struck by the realization that this woman was treating me like my mom did, but that I was not shaking and sick from the interaction, because I had no relationship with this woman. Her tactics worked against my unwillingness to be impolite or dismissive, but they didn't work to get me into an emotional lather. It was a really weird feeling. Later that afternoon, when the pastor left his meeting, I told him what had happened. He's a friend of mine and knew a bit of the problems I'd had with my mom, but when I told him that this other woman sounded just like my mom, a light came on for him and he went to his office and pulled out the DSM-IV and showed me the diagnostic list for BPD. "That woman you talked to suffers from a full-out aggressive case of BPD, and if she reminded you that strongly of your mom, you might want to look through this."

It was like the sun came up on my life for the first time. I devoured everything I could find online and in libraries, and was able to get my hands on a loaner copy of Understanding the Borderline Mother. Everything finally made sense. And then I found my way onto these forums and learned even more. =)

[Linda Maria]

Hi Ziggiddy!  My sister is nearly 53, and has always been difficult.  When we lived at home with my parents she occasionally made my life hell - she tried to turn my parents and a group of friends against me when I started going out with someone once, but it didn't really work, and another time she physically attacked me early in the morning for some made up reason to do with using "her" towel - which I hadn't.  That one really scared me - I was about 22 - and my parents were away.  It was completely out of the blue, and after that I rarely stayed in the house on my own with her, if my parents were away I used to get a friend to come and stay.  But around 25, when I started going out with this guy, I moved out permanently, so although she has been difficult over the years, because I didn't live with her, and we moved in different circles socially for the main part - I live an hour away - it didn't impact on me too much.  She seemed to get worse after my father died - 19 years ago - she didn't want to move to her house and live on her own, (she had been living with my Mum and Dad although she owns her own house) but she didn't want to live with my Mum.  But for the last 19 years, she has spent a lot of time living with my Mum (who died last year) but constantly complaining about her.  She was constantly creating these dramas in her workplaces, with utility companies - she was always a victim, ex boyfriends apparently were making harassing phone calls and owed her large sums of money - all sorts of things.  I thought she was just a drama queen, and exaggerating.  But when my Mum died - she really turned on me - which was a real shock - and suddenly I was accused of all sorts of weird stuff - which she said to other people as well - and it has just been horrible.  But I just thought for ages that my Mum's death had pushed her over the edge a bit, and obviously she hated me more than I'd ever realised, and I also realised, as the lies about me being told to solicitors etc got more and more wild, and people started saying to me that they thought there was something wrong with her, that in fact - probably all the stories she'd told over the last 20 years hadn't just been exaggeration, they'd been complete lies as well.  There was never any proof of any of it, and whenever I had offered to help, or talk to the people concerned, or offered other solutions, the subject was always changed.  So that's when I started doing research - and it's only in the last few months that I realised that the lying was of a pathological nature, and then I found out about BPD and it fits really well.  It threw me at first, because I kept reading that BPD often occurs in people who have had abusive childhoods which is not the case, and that BPD sufferers often self harm, or abuse drink and drugs.  And this doesn't fit either.  But I realise now that it can be mainly genetic (we are both adopted), and she can be physically violent, although it is not frequent.  But BPD does largely fit, and I found it helpful, because at least now I know that to some extent she can't help it, and I am more sympathetic.  But I cannot be around her, as I nearly went mad last year with the stress of it, so my sadness now is that I would like to help her, but I know the reaction I would get if I even dared suggest she get some help.  If anyone has any ideas about how you "help" someone see they need help that would be great, but I cannot imagine how you do, unless they start to realise it themselves.  Trouble is, she has some good friends who really care, and I am sure they must realise there is something wrong, over and above the fact that she is telling them how terrible I am, but I am sure if they dared say anything she would just cut them off as well.  But my experience, which is nothing compared to people who have BPD parents, or who live with BPD sufferers, has made me realise that there are probably many more people out there with this condition.  If I hadn't been thrown into the situation of having to spend a lot of time with my sister following my Mum's death, I don't think I would ever have realised either.  What can you do?  Good luck.  JB

[Woolspinner2000]

My moment of awakening came during a pathophysiological class in 2010 when I went back to college as a 46 year old adult. I'd had an inkling or feeling that something wasn't right, but not until I was well into my adult life and had 3 children did I suspect that my mom had to have some kind of psychological diagnosis, but I could never put my finger on it. I would pick up books at the book store about all kinds of disorders, but nothing ever clicked until I read this tiny synopsis of BPD in my textbook in the psychology section.  Once I read it, I wanted to ask anyone who knew my mom (within our family) if they thought I was right. Took me a good year to finally start to open up and begin to seek to know more.

Woolspinner

[beatup]

   My 2nd marriage went off the rails on our 1yr anniversary. We separated and were in separate counseling, allegedly to reconcile. After 3 months of that, we were getting nowhere & I began to suspect he was cheating... .then I caught him cheating. I filed for divorce straight away. In the throes of depression from failed marriage I sought out answers to ex's hostile, narcissistic arrogance among other difficult to live with traits. In my research I came upon NPD/BPD. I read SWOE. I went to counseling. My ex fit the criteria for NPD/BPD.

  Seven years later in 2007... .my father passes away and my sister has a complete meltdown. I figure it is grief and let it go for about 8 months when I felt it was necessary to gently tell her that she has no right to be verbally abusive... .which was just the tip of the iceberg... .she had been playing games and alienating others and all the BPD stuff. That was when I made the connection. I put it all together. I am now 58 yrs. old.

[borderlinemom]

Honestly, I had always thought that it was me and my problem. I believed that I caused everything that she said went wrong and brought about her anger. I even believed that I was responsible for the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of her friend. I guess I am a late bloomer, I realized that my mom suffered from BPD about 3 months ago when I started therapy. My therapist spoke about the possibility and I purchased a book that provided a list of characteristics that a mother with BPD may have. That was an eye opener because she fit so many of the areas, at first I was angry because I have believed with such guilt and anger towards myself that I was not worthy of anything. My therapist encouraged me to see that it was her problem and I was a victim of someone who could not be a mother.I also had no adult available to provide any safety or protection so I was on my own. At first I felt like I hated her, I had such a hard time when she died, where as when my dad died I felt that he went to a better place and while sad I did not feel guilty regarding his care or death. I guess that the problem now is that I have all of these feelings running around inside myself and I don't know what to do with them. I like to do things quickly and I suppose that this will be a longer process than I am used to. My therapist keeps reminding me that I have pain and strong feelings to deal with and it will not happen overnight. I know that she is right, I just wish that it could happen fast. I suppose that is unrealistic.

[ThrowAwayChild]

I remember it well.  For a while, I was struggling with the fact that when I had any kind of a problem my parents checked out emotionally.  They were little problems, too.  I think what kept me sort of sane was that I watched how they treated their golden son.  I had a forest fire once threaten my home and business and had to flee.  Not a peep out of them.  If I talked about it they talked over me about nonsense.  Anyway, I really wanted a mommy and daddy to talk to but she couldn't shut up about herself... .EVER.  I noticed I was getting angrier and angrier and then it happened.  I was on the phone one day with her and briefly sighed and said how nice it would be to have my sisters and I have a relationship.  Mother was, I guess, tired of anyone else needing attention and since she was the one that ultimately set out to destroy the family she had no patience with me lamenting about our lack of quality family time.  Know what mother said?  "Well, your sister did say to me that she just can't love you the way you want."  My world went to spinning.  I got off the phone as fast as I could.  I knew that I had pure evil on the other end of it. 

I figured there were only two possibilities.  Either my sister said that or she didn't.  If she didn't say it what a total monster my mother is for making it up.  If she did say it what a horrid thing to repeat and all so she could go on and on about herself.  She knew, KNEW, she had destroyed the family and I was very silly in her book to express any sadness that I don't have sisters in my life.  I cut off contact with her then.  Found this board and started to heal.  It has been years.  I hear she hasn't change a bit.  Gotten worse in her old age it sounds like.  Found out a couple of years ago that my sister did indeed say it "Yes, I said something like that but she had no right to repeat it"!

I am the only one that left home.  They all live in the hornet's nest.  I can't imagine all the villainous things my mother says about me.

[Ziggiddy]

Wow - the response to this has been great. Really helpful. I think it's easy to lose track once you start learning about the disorder and as you retrace experiences and see them in a new light.

And all the emotions that come bubbling up as a result. It just changes EVERYTHING. Or at least it did for me.

claudia - I can relate to your experience. i also studided psychology although that was before BPD made it into the DSM. I came across a description in a book about dealing with difficult people or difficult behaviour of your own. Still didn't twig. i guess you only see it when the time is right, huh?

Linda Maria and Deardra I can see you have questions and you may find it worthwhile to post those questions as they are really worth discussion.

borderllinmom - again and again I have related to your experiences. It seems take such a lot of work and emotion to fix what can be fixed and learn what can't doesn't it?

Honestly, I had always thought that it was me and my problem.

At first I felt like I hated her,

I guess that the problem now is that I have all of these feelings running around inside myself and I don't know what to do with them.

I like to do things quickly and I suppose that this will be a longer process than I am used to. My therapist keeps reminding me that I have pain and strong feelings to deal with and it will not happen overnight. I know that she is right, I just wish that it could happen fast.

like you I find it hard to understand why I haven't got it sorted ye. I mean - come on! I'm a fast worker and I've done work. Where is my healing? Do I get my cup full now? 

I am surprised when i have to feel something again and again - and when I already thought I had put this in order too. Not neat and tidy at all!

Throw away - man I got chills reading the bit where you say she could not shut up about herself ever. I get that. really get it. it kind of steals your feelings and experiences away doesn't it? it's hard to believe you matter when someone continually discounts you. I'm appalled that she wasn't frightened for you during the bushfire. That's awful 

[HappyChappy]

Happened 7 months ago, when My N bro and BPDm were picking on my 7 year old son. My BPD excused my N Bro's hits and slaps of my son. My N Bro is the GC. I was told my son deserved it, because he was showing off like I did when I was young. Now I instantly realised my son is nothing like I was at this age. For a start I never smiled until I was 8 (apparently) and my son is a very bouncy happy child. I attempted suicide at 10 so pretty sure I was depressed around 7. So that was the eureka moment.  That and my wife pointing out my N Bro (who’s really old) was acting in the same way as my 7 year old.

As for healing, 7 months on and it feels like I've worked the realisation out of my system. Did seem to take an age. But I know there's still work to be done.  But I now realise my brother can only be describes with language prohibited within American chat rooms, so I’m off to mum’s net to correctly describe what I think of these two reprobates. Stage two of the healing proccess. They were the type to provoke you into swearing, then take the higher ground.