Gopher popped up... how should i reply?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,  The ongoing ST saga.  Day 17 .  uBPD BF of 6 years sends a text today saying sorry he forgot to reply earlier.  His text said he can do some work on the house project this weekend if our schedules lineup.

I need some advice.

My first thoughts were angry... ."Ya right" He "forgot" to reply after a week that I replied to his first text... .as if I was reduced to some insignificant thing that could be easily overlooked.   And he passed by me yesterday and still forgot?  Liar. Liar. Coward. Bleep.

Second thought Practical... .well I need the project to be completed and he offered.

Third thought  Fear... .Wondering if this is staging a recycle or precursor to the end breakup talk.  Gotta face it sooner or later.

Any thoughts to how I should reply to the text.   Business like?  Matter of Fact?

It will feel awkward to have him around again if he stays cold and detached.  It might feel like just another handyman came to complete a project.  Ugh. 

BTW I had a really great time out with friends last night. I seized the evening and felt like my old self.  No drama, no BPD issues, just music and dancing and laughter.  I missed that.

[calmboom]

Hi,  The ongoing ST saga.  Day 17 .  uBPD BF of 6 years sends a text today saying sorry he forgot to reply earlier.  His text said he can do some work on the house project this weekend if our schedules lineup.

I need some advice.

My first thoughts were angry... ."Ya right" He "forgot" to reply after a week that I replied to his first text... .as if I was reduced to some insignificant thing that could be easily overlooked.   And he passed by me yesterday and still forgot?  Liar. Liar. Coward. Bleep.

Second thought Practical... .well I need the project to be completed and he offered.

Third thought  Fear... .Wondering if this is staging a recycle or precursor to the end breakup talk.  Gotta face it sooner or later.

Any thoughts to how I should reply to the text.   Business like?  Matter of Fact?

It will feel awkward to have him around again if he stays cold and detached.  It might feel like just another handyman came to complete a project.  Ugh. 

BTW I had a really great time out with friends last night. I seized the evening and felt like my old self.  No drama, no BPD issues, just music and dancing and laughter.  I missed that.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

CB -- have you already answered?

I think any advice about how to respond depends on what you want here.

Yes, it is completely possible that this is the doorway to him restoring more or less "normal" relations between you.  You wrote earlier that he does this (though not at such length) every year for the last several years, ending around your birthday.  So you might just be calm and play this out.  No particular reason to think it won't resolve as it did in past years, right?

Yes, the "I forgot to answer this," as if you were someone whom he might just overlook for a week, hurts if you interpret it at face value.  But there are many other things going on here (not that these other layers mean it's not hard to take -- but it doesn't mean you are unimportant or he is able to overlook you).  I see this sort of gambit (oh sorry, I forgot about you -- there you are!) as a control strategy.  My ex used it when he felt me being distant or pulling away.  He might prefer that you become needy so he can distance you ... .but you aren't.  So eventually he "remembers" and resumes the dialogue.

It definitely does not mean you are unimportant to him.

Fundamentally though: he does this.  It's very hard to deal with and to anticipate that it might happen again. Are you OK with that?  Can you live with it?  Are you willing to?  Do you choose to have a relationship where this is a feature that can be expected?

If so -- then, carry on!  Respond with warmth, don't make a big deal about his absence, and allow things to restore gradually.  He will test and control ... .but his pattern is to come back.

And if this is not something you can tolerate, that's fine too, but that is a different path, of detachment, and you deciding you don't want to resume the relationship.  Are you clear which way you are going?  You are on Staying so I assume it's the first?

[formflier]

Hi,  The ongoing ST saga.  Day 17 .  uBPD BF of 6 years sends a text today saying sorry he forgot to reply earlier.  His text said he can do some work on the house project this weekend if our schedules lineup.

I need some advice.

My first thoughts were angry... ."Ya right" He "forgot" to reply after a week that I replied to his first text... .as if I was reduced to some insignificant thing that could be easily overlooked.   And he passed by me yesterday and still forgot?  Liar. Liar. Coward. Bleep.

Second thought Practical... .well I need the project to be completed and he offered.

Third thought  Fear... .Wondering if this is staging a recycle or precursor to the end breakup talk.  Gotta face it sooner or later.

Any thoughts to how I should reply to the text.   Business like?  Matter of Fact?

It will feel awkward to have him around again if he stays cold and detached.  It might feel like just another handyman came to complete a project.  Ugh. 

BTW I had a really great time out with friends last night. I seized the evening and felt like my old self.  No drama, no BPD issues, just music and dancing and laughter.  I missed that.

One of the things that is more a "tactic" than a solution is to limit texting... .and switch to voice only.

That allows you to use SET... .focus on validation and passing emotion back and forth.

Very hard to do this in text.

In my r/s the misunderstandings that came out of texting issues were huge.  Not to mention the times it was an outright tool to bash each other.