Finally ending the abuse

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well,  Everyone,  I "was"  up on the working it out or staying forum but my boyfriend split again and this time it was much worse then the first time.

                        He blocked me from facebook and there is no other way I can contact him unless I call him long distance, which Ive stopped doing, or write him an email I know hell never see.  It's like being led into a room and having the lights turned out and all the doors locked.   I dont know if its his sense of abandonment Im feeling or my own but it's pretty bad.   Ive contacted him several times by phone but he wont answer me. Why do they do this?

I feel like I have this pit in my stomach that wont go away.  Im having such a hard time getting motivated to do anything.    This is the cruelest I think he's ever been to me.  As much as I love him and know he has a problem,  I dont think I want to go through this anymore.   It's too much.   I quess you could say this is the silent treatment, it feels like it,  very similar to what he did 6 months ago to me.  He said it was over,put me through hell and then out of no where he shows up again and acts like nothing basically happened and started talking to me again.   

          The only difference this time(which I think is a big difference) is I told him I thought he had BPD. I sent him literature and videos etc.  I havent heard a word from him.  It torchures me wondering, what is he thinking? Is he Mad,  depressed? why wont he speak to me.   Is it really over this time?  Id do best to guess it is.

                         Anyways,  Im going through anxiety attacks, and depression all day long for the past 2 weeks.   If anyone can relate and has anything to share Id appreciate it.   Thanks   

                                           

[goingtostopthis]

Well,  Everyone,  I "was"  up on the working it out or staying forum but my boyfriend split again and this time it was much worse then the first time.

                        He blocked me from facebook and there is no other way I can contact him unless I call him long distance, which Ive stopped doing, or write him an email I know hell never see.  It's like being led into a room and having the lights turned out and all the doors locked.   I dont know if its his sense of abandonment Im feeling or my own but it's pretty bad.   Ive contacted him several times by phone but he wont answer me. Why do they do this?

I feel like I have this pit in my stomach that wont go away.  Im having such a hard time getting motivated to do anything.    This is the cruelest I think he's ever been to me.  As much as I love him and know he has a problem,  I dont think I want to go through this anymore.   It's too much.   I quess you could say this is the silent treatment, it feels like it,  very similar to what he did 6 months ago to me.  He said it was over,put me through hell and then out of no where he shows up again and acts like nothing basically happened and started talking to me again.   

          The only difference this time(which I think is a big difference) is I told him I thought he had BPD. I sent him literature and videos etc.  I havent heard a word from him.  It torchures me wondering, what is he thinking? Is he Mad,  depressed? why wont he speak to me.   Is it really over this time?  Id do best to guess it is.

                         Anyways,  Im going through anxiety attacks, and depression all day long for the past 2 weeks.   If anyone can relate and has anything to share Id appreciate it.   Thanks   

                                           

[e350]

Hi goingtostopthis.  I feel your pain.  It is so hard to detach when you've felt the intoxicating idealization phase.  The thing I try to remember is that idealization wasn't really good or healthy (even though it felt great).   They do this because they think in black and white- you are either all good or all bad.  Their circuitry is crossed.  It doesn't work.  When most people feel empathy, they feel nothing. 

All of us who have struggled to exit a BPD relationship have had to do a lot of introspection- what is it in me that allowed this to happen.   I think when you begin to focus on that and start to get some answers, it begins to free you (detachment) from the BPD.  You can and will feel good about yourself.  You will learn how to have healthy connections and you will love again- but in a relationship where you are loved back. 

Thinking about you and wishing you peace and rest

GT

[Frankcostello]

They do it because it is easier on them to disappear and block all contact with you.  Your ex BPD is using the silent treatment not only to punish you but also because it is easier on them to use it.  They are not thinking about how it makes you feel because they don't care.  All they care about is how it makes them feel, in control and easier on them.   My exBPDgf used the silent treatment a few times during our relationship and I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of it.  It is very abusive on their part to do it this way.  They are only thinking about themselves and not how it affects you because they don't care and if they do care they see it as a way to punish you and it's easier on them.  My advice to you would be to leave your ex BPD alone and move on with your life.  You don't want someone who can just disappear in your life and use the silent treatment whenever they feel like punishing you. It's not healthy and it is very selfish on their part.  You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who respects you enough and will talk things out when the going gets tough.  Someone who would disappear when the going gets tough is not worth caring for nor staying in contact with because it is a sign of immaturity and selfishness on their part. 

[Take2]

Someone who would disappear when the going gets tough is not worth caring for nor staying in contact with because it is a sign of immaturity and selfishness on their part.  

Such an obvious statement yet so many of us have been or still are stuck in the pain of the borderline r/s.  The silent treatment was always the worst for me as well.  :)espite the fear and panic I had many times with my ex, it was the silent treatment that truly killed me.  And you know what else it did?  it made me stay addicted.  Because when my ex was showing his rage and scaring the crap out of me, it was muuuuch easier to realize, woah, this is way out of control and I want nothing to do with it.  But when he did his about face and suddenly acting rational and then would shut ME out?  He regained control.  I found myself in so much pain that I resorted to begging him to come back on more than one occasion.  And when he did?  it never got better.  Every recycle - gave him more control and showed him every time how much more abuse I was willing to tolerate.

Be strong.  You don't deserve this.  It's cruel.  :)isorder or not, it's abuse.  Use the space and let yourself remember who you are and that you deserve a partner who will be supportive of you and kind to you... . 

[fromheeltoheal]

The only difference this time(which I think is a big difference) is I told him I thought he had BPD. I sent him literature and videos etc.  I havent heard a word from him.  It torchures me wondering, what is he thinking? Is he Mad,  depressed? why wont he speak to me.   Is it really over this time?  Id do best to guess it is.

My first take, not knowing your whole story, is that he is feeling very ashamed.  Borderlines know on some level they just aren't 'right', and don't understand what is different, but know something is and are ashamed of it; shame is at the core of the disorder, it certainly was for my ex.  For you to research and discover that he exhibits BPD traits, get some literature together, and give it to him, shows that you know what's going on with him, he can't cover it up anymore, he's busted, so to speak.  So the projection a borderline uses as a defense mechanism, to put all their bad crap on you to off it from themselves, you probably experienced that more than once, it doesn't work anymore, in fact it backfired; now he's being confronted with his behavior and being asked to take responsibility for it, which borderlines won't do in general.  And he still has the inability to self-soothe, so shame is showing up in a big way, he can't deal, and he certainly can't 'assign' it to you anymore.

Just my hallucination; apply as needed.

These relationships are very hurtful, both when we're in them and when we're detaching.  The best thing you can do is take very good care of yourself, learn more about the disorder, which will depersonalize it, and start removing him from your life, every little bit, if you are dead-set on ending it.  And stay here, talk lots, get help if you need it.  Take care of you!

[letmeout]

I know the silent treatment feels bad. It got to the point in my ex r/s that I started to enjoy it though! It gave me time to do things for me that usually were not allowed by the BPD one. And it gave me a much needed break from his rages, which were very exhausting to listen to! I'm out and I don't miss it a bit.

[hergestridge]

A BPD person is childlike. When she doesn't like you he shuts you out for a while. Then she can have you back again when she feels like it.

Me and my wife just broke up after 20 years. I am totally burnt out and want as little as possible to do with her due to all the ___ she has put me through. It all adds up. She has never apologized and there has been no repair work on her part, ever.

Being a person with BPD she now assumes I am giving her the cold shoulder temporarily as a revenge to show my displeasure for her leaving me. She thinks things will be fine and dandy again after a couple of months, because that's how things work in her world.

[letmeout]

She is in for a rude awakening then. You will feel pressured to break no contact, from her and any children you may have together. I learned that No Contact is the only way out.

[Artisan]

In all fairness ... .I moved out and wouldn't talk for days.

It isn't just BPDs who do this ; it is also us nons who can't figure out what the h*ll is going on.

[fromheeltoheal]

In all fairness ... .I moved out and wouldn't talk for days.

It isn't just BPDs who do this ; it is also us nons who can't figure out what the h*ll is going on.

True.  Not only couldn't I figure out what the hell was going on, I felt like I was going insane, and that I had no choice.  I learned later that abandoning her without a trace was the very best way to hurt her, and took a little sadistic pleasure in that at the time, but the bottom line was I finally decided to take care of myself, since I was definitely the only one who would. 

Getting emotionally enmeshed with someone with a serious mental illness is a life-changing event for us, most of us haven't ever done that before, and it opens up all kinds of questions as to why we got in so deep, why we denied so much, how and why we showed up in the relationship; fertile field for growth there.

[Caredverymuch]

The only difference this time(which I think is a big difference) is I told him I thought he had BPD. I sent him literature and videos etc.  I havent heard a word from him.  It torchures me wondering, what is he thinking? Is he Mad,  depressed? why wont he speak to me.   Is it really over this time?  Id do best to guess it is.

My first take, not knowing your whole story, is that he is feeling very ashamed.  Borderlines know on some level they just aren't 'right', and don't understand what is different, but know something is and are ashamed of it; shame is at the core of the disorder, it certainly was for my ex.  For you to research and discover that he exhibits BPD traits, get some literature together, and give it to him, shows that you know what's going on with him, he can't cover it up anymore, he's busted, so to speak.  So the projection a borderline uses as a defense mechanism, to put all their bad crap on you to off it from themselves, you probably experienced that more than once, it doesn't work anymore, in fact it backfired; now he's being confronted with his behavior and being asked to take responsibility for it, which borderlines won't do in general.  And he still has the inability to self-soothe, so shame is showing up in a big way, he can't deal, and he certainly can't 'assign' it to you anymore.

Just my hallucination; apply as needed.

These relationships are very hurtful, both when we're in them and when we're detaching.  The best thing you can do is take very good care of yourself, learn more about the disorder, which will depersonalize it, and start removing him from your life, every little bit, if you are dead-set on ending it.  And stay here, talk lots, get help if you need it.  Take care of you!

Hello Going.  Froms advice is so valid. I know how you are feeing with that shaky  stomache and anxiety. Yes it is truly like being locked in a dark room with no doors. We have all been where you are.  Please try to take Froms advice and get some rest.

The same thing happened to me. On the last encounter he was cold as ice.  Colder. I cant even find a word to describe how cruel and disrespectful he was running into one another unexpectedly.  I did what you did. At first I was trying very hard to act like an adult in trying to speak with him.  His coldness and disregard finally prompted me to ask if he had ever been identified as a borderline.  The only time the ice seemed to melt a tiny bit.  Then I just let it all out identifying in all the BPD literature citing the examples of him splitting me black recycling the lies and acknowledging his patterns as well as my knowing of his quick replacement.  He was like a three year old caught in the candy jar.  Tears. Denials. Big tears.  No apology  at all.  Just sat there staring straight ahead crying. He never came back nor did I.

Yes they do know and there was the only time I saw the shame.   

Please remain strong. We are here for you.

[amigo]

Very good thread.

I also hinted at my uBPDexbf' s d/o the last few times we saw each other and I believe it is one of the reasons he is now giving me the ST. For example once I said " I really want to help you " when he confessed how "49% of me hates that I love you" or " I just want to move in with you and stay here, so I can never leave... .". He proceeded to force a laugh as if I am joking saying "why do I need help?" Another time I said " I wish you could go see my therapist " and his response was " So that I can be a charity case?" What does charity have to do with anything? I guess he was referring to the fact that he cannot afford a T and that I would be paying for it? BTW he could afford a T if he made therapy a priority.

He knows I am "on to him" and part of him understands that something is wrong and he just doesn't want to deal with it. And he knows that being with me, I will eventually bring up the problem, even if I don't name it by its name, and that I want to help him. Its easier to go back to the ex who has less insight and does crazy things (like key his car, when he is back with me) which keeps the dysfunctional r/s more exciting than with me who is patient and understanding and shrugs off his insults.

Hang in there, like everyone else on here says, the ST is one of the BPDs coping mechanism, it has very little to do with you. And how they are feeling (and if they are feeling anything about you during this time) changes from moment to moment and in that sense is irrelevant to us. All we can do is work on maintaining (in my case starting) N/C and taking care of ourselves to finally end the abuse.

[JohnLove]

The only difference this time(which I think is a big difference) is I told him I thought he had BPD. I sent him literature and videos etc.  I havent heard a word from him.  It torchures me wondering, what is he thinking? Is he Mad,  depressed? why wont he speak to me.   Is it really over this time?  Id do best to guess it is.

My first take, not knowing your whole story, is that he is feeling very ashamed.  Borderlines know on some level they just aren't 'right', and don't understand what is different, but know something is and are ashamed of it; shame is at the core of the disorder, it certainly was for my ex.  For you to research and discover that he exhibits BPD traits, get some literature together, and give it to him, shows that you know what's going on with him, he can't cover it up anymore, he's busted, so to speak.  So the projection a borderline uses as a defense mechanism, to put all their bad crap on you to off it from themselves, you probably experienced that more than once, it doesn't work anymore, in fact it backfired; now he's being confronted with his behavior and being asked to take responsibility for it, which borderlines won't do in general.  And he still has the inability to self-soothe, so shame is showing up in a big way, he can't deal, and he certainly can't 'assign' it to you anymore.

Just my hallucination; apply as needed.

These relationships are very hurtful, both when we're in them and when we're detaching.  The best thing you can do is take very good care of yourself, learn more about the disorder, which will depersonalize it, and start removing him from your life, every little bit, if you are dead-set on ending it.  And stay here, talk lots, get help if you need it.  Take care of you!

No hallucination required fromheeltoheal. Put simply. THE JIG IS UP!

(fromheeltoheal... .that's very witty  )

[goingtostopthis]

The only difference this time(which I think is a big difference) is I told him I thought he had BPD. I sent him literature and videos etc.  I havent heard a word from him.  It torchures me wondering, what is he thinking? Is he Mad,  depressed? why wont he speak to me.   Is it really over this time?  Id do best to guess it is.

My first take, not knowing your whole story, is that he is feeling very ashamed.  Borderlines know on some level they just aren't 'right', and don't understand what is different, but know something is and are ashamed of it; shame is at the core of the disorder, it certainly was for my ex.  For you to research and discover that he exhibits BPD traits, get some literature together, and give it to him, shows that you know what's going on with him, he can't cover it up anymore, he's busted, so to speak.  So the projection a borderline uses as a defense mechanism, to put all their bad crap on you to off it from themselves, you probably experienced that more than once, it doesn't work anymore, in fact it backfired; now he's being confronted with his behavior and being asked to take responsibility for it, which borderlines won't do in general.  And he still has the inability to self-soothe, so shame is showing up in a big way, he can't deal, and he certainly can't 'assign' it to you anymore.

Just my hallucination; apply as needed.

These relationships are very hurtful, both when we're in them and when we're detaching.  The best thing you can do is take very good care of yourself, learn more about the disorder, which will depersonalize it, and start removing him from your life, every little bit, if you are dead-set on ending it.  And stay here, talk lots, get help if you need it.  Take care of you!

I like what you said, just my hallucination.  That cracked me up!  Thanks for the laugh.   Thank you to all of you and your support.  Ive been doing alot research and  I have found myself thinking about him a lot, I guess which is normal.  I can imagine him feeling over whelmed or numb out right now but its hard for me to think of him  as not caring at all.  But this must be, because how he could do this?  Be so cruel?  

 They say in many interview videos Ive been watching of BPD sufferers that they really dont want you to go away. That this is one form of attention that they get for themselves.  It confuses you when youre trying to get over them to learn whats possibly behind all this,  but in my case I dont know for sure. If hes still hating me then I dont want to communicate with him.  He's hurt me enough,   and I cant help but feel resentful that its all ways the attention on BPD, we are suppose to feel compassion for them, ok,  I understand this side of it, but what about what he's done to me,  what is it,  the non BPD's dont count,  all the damage they do to us?  it doesnt count?   We end up scared for life over their awfulness,   but who cares, we are suppose to be compassionate to  "them"  and what they are going through.   Ok, I just had to get that out of my system.


                                   Im wounded.   I need to be thinking about  taking care of myself right now and not him.  Im having such a hard time getting motivated through out the day now and I dont want this happening to me.  He doesnt care,  if he did he wouldnt be doing this. I mean is he that sick?  He very well may be, beyond ever getting help and only getting worse.,only getting more evil because this is how it feels.

Its confusing because one of you said he felt shame.  I really think what this comes down to is me. I know it.  I did what I could do to help him. I did all I could do. +I know the best thing I can do now is stay quiet because I really truly believe he is feeding off my distress.  Im going wrong to attach a negative meaning to that, like hes a demonic vampire who is intentionally being sadistic to me.,because when I start thinking that way I become even more disturbed by all this and I cant stop obsessing about him and my pain gets worse. Hes doing all he knows how to do and that is to emotionally survive and that's it.  Someone said, he must know he's messed up and I think youre right.

  I need to build on my confidence that there is nothing wrong with me and that there is no reason why I should allow his behavior to manipulate me into feeling so much pain.  Because it is manipulation.      Manpulation of punishment, manipulation of control, manipulation of preying on my fears and there's one more. I cant remember it right now but I know there's one more.    

[letmeout]

I learned later that abandoning her without a trace was the very best way to hurt her, and took a little sadistic pleasure in that at the time, but the bottom line was I finally decided to take care of myself 

I took the abandon and no contact route too. Mostly at the insistence of my abuse counselors at our local woman's abuse shelter. I hate to admit that I did take a small amount of pleasure in giving my BPDex a taste of his own medicine, in a way. 

Oddly he still runs a smear campaign, refusing to take any responsibility for his behaviors that forced me out of the marriage.  Instead, he complains to everyone that our local abuse shelter was what ruined our marriage. Its ironic because that is is what they are there for, to save women from their abusers.

Our shelter gets many calls from men seeking help from their mentally ill/abusive partners, but sadly the shelters are not funded to help men get away.

[fromheeltoheal]

I can imagine him feeling over whelmed or numb out right now but its hard for me to think of him  as not caring at all.  But this must be, because how he could do this?  Be so cruel?     They say in many interview videos Ive been watching of BPD sufferers that they really dont want you to go away. That this is one form of attention that they get for themselves.  It confuses you when youre trying to get over them to learn whats possibly behind all this,  but in my case I dont know for sure. If hes still hating me then I dont want to communicate with him.  He's hurt me enough,   and I cant help but feel resentful that its all ways the attention on BPD, we are suppose to feel compassion for them, ok,  I understand this side of it, but what about what he's done to me,  what is it,  the non BPD's dont count,  all the damage they do to us?  it doesnt count?   We end up scared for life over their awfulness,   but who cares, we are suppose to be compassionate to  "them"  and what they are going through.   Ok, I just had to get that out of my system

.

From your research you've probably learned that borderlines feel all emotions intensely, and don't have the ability to regulate them, so they've developed many tools to deal with it, one of which is dump all the sht on you and then hate you for it, which has little to do with you and everything to do with soothing of his own emotions, which get more extreme the more triggered a borderline gets.  Gotta admit, I've focused on all the negative traits of someone I've had a falling out with, to justify removing them from my life, a hopefully less extreme version of the same thing.  And at the extreme he doesn't hate you, you simply don't exist, such are the workings of a mental illness.

And it's totally normal that after we give and give, eventually we're going to wonder where's mine?  There isn't any, there never could be, managing the disorder is a full time job, for the borderline and anyone they can successfully attach to.  There's nothing for us there.

I need to build on my confidence that there is nothing wrong with me and that there is no reason why I should allow his behavior to manipulate me into feeling so much pain.  Because it is manipulation.

   

Yes, good awareness.  It can be a long haul getting the hooks of the disorder out of you, but the great news is it can spark an amazing period of growth, and you'll come out the other side stronger and wiser than ever.  For now, focus on taking care of yourself; you are the only one who can or will.