contact escalating

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

The contact from her is escalating. A few emails over the past several months, then a LinkedIn request a month ago. Now two phone calls in two days and today a text message. All have been ignored on my end. The LinkedIn request I convinced myself was a mistake by LinkedIn, as I deleted previous requests and thought maybe it was an issue with LinkedIn. The first phone call just said 'hello?' I chalked that up to a pocket dial since it sounded like the person on the other side hadn't heard the answering machine. Didn't phase me. The second call she left a message about how she has been thinking about me a lot lately. No more denial that it is her... .And now a text message saying how she has been thinking of me a lot and would love to catch up.

Now I am phased... .

The overarching thought I am having right now is that this person is crazy... .And frankly I'm scared. How is it that every time I think it is over, she contacts? It is eerie. And quite scary. Not sure why I'm scared. Perhaps because I'm really starting to think that this person is very ill and that no matter what I do or say, this will continue for years. It has already been 2 years. I'm feeling sick about it now... .

[willy45]

Hi all,

The contact from her is escalating. A few emails over the past several months, then a LinkedIn request a month ago. Now two phone calls in two days and today a text message. All have been ignored on my end. The LinkedIn request I convinced myself was a mistake by LinkedIn, as I deleted previous requests and thought maybe it was an issue with LinkedIn. The first phone call just said 'hello?' I chalked that up to a pocket dial since it sounded like the person on the other side hadn't heard the answering machine. Didn't phase me. The second call she left a message about how she has been thinking about me a lot lately. No more denial that it is her... .And now a text message saying how she has been thinking of me a lot and would love to catch up.

Now I am phased... .

The overarching thought I am having right now is that this person is crazy... .And frankly I'm scared. How is it that every time I think it is over, she contacts? It is eerie. And quite scary. Not sure why I'm scared. Perhaps because I'm really starting to think that this person is very ill and that no matter what I do or say, this will continue for years. It has already been 2 years. I'm feeling sick about it now... .

[BacknthSaddle]

Your protection against this happening for years is setting firm boundaries now, which you are doing.  Keep it up.  She's just testing the waters to see if this attachment is available to her.  She'll throw FOG your way at every opportunity.  Stand strong.

[LettingGo14]

Willy---

Just as an exercise, can you take a second and really FEEL what it would be like for you not to feel that fear?  Can you visualize -- really visualize -- what it would be like for you not to be afraid?   Feel that alternative for five minutes -- really focus and believe "I am not afraid" and then write about your experience of that alternative.

How does it feel to imagine not being afraid of her?

(Note:  this is not an intellectual exercise -- you need to really imagine what it feels like, so describe the feeling state and not the thoughts... .)

[letmeout]

I use to fear contact from my BPDex. Do not respond to her, ever. There comes a time when you won't fear it anymore.  Good suggestion LettingGo14!

[willy45]

Yeah. I think the fear is more the realization that this person really has a mental illness and that this won't end.

[LettingGo14]

Willy-  fear, like any emotion, comes from within ourselves.  Obviously, fear can serve to protect us from harm (for example, running from a lion).   

Here, however, you have done a good job with no contact.  Fear is something you can work with.    What happens when you visualize yourself without fear of her contact?  When you own the power to desensitize yourself to her?

[Infared]

Willy... .I don't know your story, but if there is fear there I am sure you have had a tough go of it. If your situation was anything like mine the treatment received was pretty horrible. What blows my mind is how they just forget all that and just attempt to make contact. They have no idea what damage and heartache they have caused with their behavior. They can't possibly understand, because if they did, and had any respect for us or our feelings, they simply would not be contacting us.

PwBPD are very sick people. As has been mentioned above, the only reason for contact is totally out of their emotional need of the moment. You can be sure that they do not think about our feelings or needs at all.

Mine went waaaaaaaay out of her way in a supermarket parking lot orchestrating an "accidental" ruin-in, after years on NC (enforced by me).  It was very upsetting for me. I am not sure if it was fear or self love that my reflex reaction when I saw her at just 10 feet away heading right at me, was to turn my head, speed up, arc around her and boogie to my car and a fast getaway.  Not even a hello from me. Hate to say it (it hurts), but she doesn't deserve a hello. To some it may sound silly that a man would act this way in that situation, but at least when I share that here,  people understand how I felt and acted. It was a very upsetting moment for me.

I understand how you feel and I commend you for taking care of you. It's upsetting because we cared so deeply for them.

[hurting300]

I can't lie... I miss my girlfriend so much. She dumped me and is now no contact with me. It's been four months and all she has done is drive by a few times. I do miss her

[1989]

You aren't obligated to speak to her.  She can't force you to speak to her.  It's your decision.  If you have decided that you don't want to pretend that all is well between the two of you then you certainly don't have to.  Just because she has decided that she now wants to speak to you it doesn't mean that you have to speak to her.  You are in control of you.  She can attempt to contact you all she wants but she can't make you speak to her.  

It ends when you end it, and you end it by not responding to her; and that signals to her that the attachment/connection is over.

[willy45]

I think the fear I am having is not really that I'm scared for myself. I probably should be. But I feel pretty strong about not responding. Doing that hasn't even crossed my mind as a legitimate course of action. I have thought about reaching out to some mutual friends (who I let my ex have... .) to tell them what was up and maybe talk to her about getting help. But I haven't acted on that.

I think the fear is that glimpse I got today into the mind of my ex. And it seems like a really scary place. This just is even more proof of how not well she is. It hasn't even been 3 months since I told her that her contacting me constantly was hurtful to me and brought me a lot of pain. The fact that that didn't stop her is just kind of 'scary'. Not 'scary' as in I'm freaking out. Just scary to get a glimpse into her mind. It must be pretty awful in there. To keep emailing me without any response. To call and leave messages with out a response. To send a text message without a response. And to keep doing it. What is going on in her mind? I have no idea. Just seems scary to me. It's like I got a view into the mind of very unwell person. So, the fear isn't a 'holy cow I'm scared of what will happen to me' kind of thing. More like the fear you get when you watch a movie like Silence of the Lambs and you get glimpses into the mind of a mentally unwell person kind of scary.

Thanks for the responses. It has helped me work through what I've been feeling.