Cat lady

[Seoulsister]

My uBPD mom has always been an animal lover, but in the past few years, it has become excessive. She recently downsized to a smaller place and the care of her 10 (!) pets consumes her life. She cries about it often, saying that they "ruined her life" but won't consider adopting them out or taking them to a no kill shelter. She has lovely taste in décor but can't put out rugs (urine), she covers her couches with blankets (so they're not ruined by urine) and she says she doesn't even enjoy her home. Her new community only allows 3 pets, so she can't have anyone over and is constantly worried about people finding out.  Even with a million litter boxes, there are two that spray everything and even with her cleaning non stop, the whole place smells like urine. My siblings and I can't stay with her because we can't have our little ones toddling about with potential cat urine/vomit on the floor, plus, I feel like my lungs are lined with cat fur when I leave her house.

We can't rationally discuss her pets with her, she flips out over any slight criticism. She stopped talking to me for a bit because I told her that I saw cat urine on her kitchen counter the last time I was there.  I had to throw out my luggage after our last stay because her cat sprayed all of it. (Didn't even tell her that)

She doesn't want to do anything to better her situation and I feel bad for her but I can't listen to it every time we talk on the phone. I've suggested talking to her vet, a therapist, putting up flyers to see if anyone in the neighborhood would be interested in adopting one, she basically just finds reasons why those ideas are no good.

Any suggestions?

[PeaceTimes]

The only thing I can share from my experience is that pets are EXTREMELY important for a person with BPD, because they are stable and warm without all the 'drama' of a person.  While I hear you when you talk about the complications with urine and hygiene, I think the complications that would replace the cat complications is going to be greater and more difficult for you. Essentially the best way to understand it I found was to understand that pets are major assets when it comes to BPD and if you can imagine that they form such a central and stabilizing role, then it's easier to accept why when you try to discuss the issue, then things get messy. I hope that helps somewhat. 

[Turkish]

I understand about the hygiene. I can't stand to go into my mom's house anymore due to the stench of dog and cat waste, along with mildew (not to mention smoke).

My mom is a hoarder, and hoarders can hoard animals, too. My T says hoarding is indicative of fear of loss, which fits the profile of a pwBPD. There is also a need to take care of or rescue poor, innocent creatures.

A wild animal slaughtered 10 of my mom's chickens. I thought, "poor chickens, but good, as now she'll spend less on animal food." Her solution? Go out and get 10 chicks. Those got killed, too, so she went and got 10 more and secured them better. She doesn't need them. She talks about selling the eggs, but doesn't. A rabbit died, so she got a new one, and the poor thing just sits there in a cage all day. Feral cats coming and going are standard for her, and it's been that way for years (she lives on 5 acres in the woods, though there are houses nearby, so she isn't totally isolated). At least she's letting the Chihuahuas slowly die off or get taken. She always complains about money, yet spends I don't know how much on animal food each month. At least she hasn't replaced the geese... .yet. When I was a kid, it was up to 50 dogs, a few cats, goats, chickens, a sheep and a duck or two. As nons, it makes no logical sense. To a pwBPD traits, it fills an emotional need or emptiness within.

I've thought about trying to understand more about hoarding (animals, stuff, people), but at this point, I know I won't change my mom, so I feel, "why bother?" Maybe too triggering for me considering the mess I'll be left with when she passes on at some point.

[P.F.Change]

She doesn't want to do anything to better her situation and I feel bad for her but I can't listen to it every time we talk on the phone.

You certainly don't have to. You can take care of your boundaries, and she can be responsible for finding her own solutions. This workshop helped me a lot: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

It does sound like conditions may be unsanitary both for her and the animals. Have you considered calling the health department and/or animal control?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Seoulsister]

The only thing I can share from my experience is that pets are EXTREMELY important for a person with BPD, because they are stable and warm without all the 'drama' of a person.  While I hear you when you talk about the complications with urine and hygiene, I think the complications that would replace the cat complications is going to be greater and more difficult for you. 

Thank you for your response. You are right, I think post-cat complications would be far worse than the current cat situation. They are like children to her and I know she doesn't think she can part with them. I just pray that she doesn't take in any more!

[Seoulsister]

I understand about the hygiene. I can't stand to go into my mom's house anymore due to the stench of dog and cat waste, along with mildew (not to mention smoke).

My mom is a hoarder, and hoarders can hoard animals, too. My T says hoarding is indicative of fear of loss, which fits the profile of a pwBPD. There is also a need to take care of or rescue poor, innocent creatures.

A wild animal slaughtered 10 of my mom's chickens. I thought, "poor chickens, but good, as now she'll spend less on animal food." Her solution? Go out and get 10 chicks. Those got killed, too, so she went and got 10 more and secured them better. She doesn't need them. She talks about selling the eggs, but doesn't. A rabbit died, so she got a new one, and the poor thing just sits there in a cage all day. Feral cats coming and going are standard for her, and it's been that way for years (she lives on 5 acres in the woods, though there are houses nearby, so she isn't totally isolated). At least she's letting the Chihuahuas slowly die off or get taken. She always complains about money, yet spends I don't know how much on animal food each month. At least she hasn't replaced the geese... .yet. When I was a kid, it was up to 50 dogs, a few cats, goats, chickens, a sheep and a duck or two. As nons, it makes no logical sense. To a pwBPD traits, it fills an emotional need or emptiness within.

I've thought about trying to understand more about hoarding (animals, stuff, people), but at this point, I know I won't change my mom, so I feel, "why bother?" Maybe too triggering for me considering the mess I'll be left with when she passes on at some point.

Now that you mention hoarding, she does have a tendency to collect multiples of many things, which fill her garage. She doesn't really know what she has because it's all piled in there. She impulse buys and most of it still has tags on it and is unused.

We live out of state, so I don't see it but I can tell when she's overwhelmed, and it's always the pets and the garage.  On several visits I have spent hours helping her sort, donate and throw away items, but any progress made is gone the next time I see her.

Thanks for your point of view!

[Seoulsister]

You certainly don't have to. You can take care of your boundaries, and she can be responsible for finding her own solutions. This workshop helped me a lot: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

It does sound like conditions may be unsanitary both for her and the animals. Have you considered calling the health department and/or animal control?

I do have boundary issues! I will definitely look at that workshop.

I have thought about calling animal control many times, but I believe she could go right off the deep end if she is forced to do something about the pets.

[Turkish]

I understand about the hygiene. I can't stand to go into my mom's house anymore due to the stench of dog and cat waste, along with mildew (not to mention smoke).

My mom is a hoarder, and hoarders can hoard animals, too. My T says hoarding is indicative of fear of loss, which fits the profile of a pwBPD. There is also a need to take care of or rescue poor, innocent creatures.

A wild animal slaughtered 10 of my mom's chickens. I thought, "poor chickens, but good, as now she'll spend less on animal food." Her solution? Go out and get 10 chicks. Those got killed, too, so she went and got 10 more and secured them better. She doesn't need them. She talks about selling the eggs, but doesn't. A rabbit died, so she got a new one, and the poor thing just sits there in a cage all day. Feral cats coming and going are standard for her, and it's been that way for years (she lives on 5 acres in the woods, though there are houses nearby, so she isn't totally isolated). At least she's letting the Chihuahuas slowly die off or get taken. She always complains about money, yet spends I don't know how much on animal food each month. At least she hasn't replaced the geese... .yet. When I was a kid, it was up to 50 dogs, a few cats, goats, chickens, a sheep and a duck or two. As nons, it makes no logical sense. To a pwBPD traits, it fills an emotional need or emptiness within.

I've thought about trying to understand more about hoarding (animals, stuff, people), but at this point, I know I won't change my mom, so I feel, "why bother?" Maybe too triggering for me considering the mess I'll be left with when she passes on at some point.

Now that you mention hoarding, she does have a tendency to collect multiples of many things, which fill her garage. She doesn't really know what she has because it's all piled in there. She impulse buys and most of it still has tags on it and is unused.

We live out of state, so I don't see it but I can tell when she's overwhelmed, and it's always the pets and the garage.  On several visits I have spent hours helping her sort, donate and throw away items, but any progress made is gone the next time I see her.

Thanks for your point of view!

That's why, unless it's something dire, I don't help anymore. It always goes back to the same thing. The root cause is never fixed. The last time I was there, she said she was getting rid of stuff,.and I glanced to and fro about the yard, trying to be inconspicuous. She commented, "I know, it probably doesn't look like it, but I am making progress." (In her mind?)

I could call someone to turn her in, but then what? She'd be kicked out, and it would kill her on the inside, and more slowly on the outside. The option is to let it play out how it is going to. My primary focus needs to be on my family, broken as it is.

[Leelou]

My uBPD mom has always been an animal lover, but in the past few years, it has become excessive. She recently downsized to a smaller place and the care of her 10 (!) pets consumes her life. She cries about it often, saying that they "ruined her life" but won't consider adopting them out or taking them to a no kill shelter. She has lovely taste in décor but can't put out rugs (urine), she covers her couches with blankets (so they're not ruined by urine) and she says she doesn't even enjoy her home. Her new community only allows 3 pets, so she can't have anyone over and is constantly worried about people finding out.  Even with a million litter boxes, there are two that spray everything and even with her cleaning non stop, the whole place smells like urine. My siblings and I can't stay with her because we can't have our little ones toddling about with potential cat urine/vomit on the floor, plus, I feel like my lungs are lined with cat fur when I leave her house.

We can't rationally discuss her pets with her, she flips out over any slight criticism. She stopped talking to me for a bit because I told her that I saw cat urine on her kitchen counter the last time I was there.  I had to throw out my luggage after our last stay because her cat sprayed all of it. (Didn't even tell her that)

She doesn't want to do anything to better her situation and I feel bad for her but I can't listen to it every time we talk on the phone. I've suggested talking to her vet, a therapist, putting up flyers to see if anyone in the neighborhood would be interested in adopting one, she basically just finds reasons why those ideas are no good.

Any suggestions?

Phew, why oh why, doesn't this condition become main stream, so we know about it? At age 8-14 1 rabbit turned into 17, 3 guinea pigs,... .age 20s 17 horses 5 dogs.  Breeding dogs, cats, house is covered in urine, dog rubbish and mess.  We ve cleaned the house bought everything new at least 5 times for her children and still the house is the same!

She now is breeding fish as the authorities stopped her with the horses!

The pattern is the same.  Totally get the post, that animals are stable and warm without the drama of a person - my husband has said this as an explanation.  Another trait that this forum has helped me understand. 

[beatup]

The male cats need to be neutered, that will end the spraying. Most areas offer annual or bi-annual clinics for neutering at a discount. Some vets will offer a discount for 2 or more cats.

  I wish you all the best in dealing with this.

[Seoulsister]

The male cats need to be neutered, that will end the spraying.

  I wish you all the best in dealing with this.

Thanks for the reply! All of her cats are spayed or neutered and are strictly indoors. I think he sprays to mark territory or maybe he's just ticked that there are so many pets?  It's a new home and is smaller and I guess they're all vying for their own space? 

[funfunctional]

Agree that pets are wonderfor for many types of mental illness... .people feel unconditional love from them.

10 is excessive.  My feeling upon reading your post is that she has taken the benefit of having a pet and turned it into a drama.   Having those 10 cats and them being such a nuisance has not only taken any pleasure from her but it has given her a reason to complain about them and stress over them.

I also question if she may end up being neglectful and abusive to the animals.     Thinking of them as "shoo you pain in the A222".   

However, that being said... .if she loves them and hugs them and enjoys them... .give her a little more spray and perhaps buy her an extra litter box.   

Many ((hugs)) to you and your patience. 

[HappyChappy]

My mom is a hoarder, and hoarders can hoard animals, too. My T says hoarding is indicative of fear of loss, which fits the profile of a pwBPD.

Curiouser and curiouser. My BPD hated all animals. She refused to allow us a pet.  She basically said she wouldn’t look after any pet, and didn’t want the extra house work a dog or cat created due to fur etc... .Considering she resented having to look after her kids, that made sense. Can you get narcisstic supply from a Pet?

I did read that Narcisstic minded people go for dogs, as they’re obedient and allow the Nark the control and obedience they crave. But that was only a newspaper article, so opinion. However the animal that comes up the most on this forum is the cat. Aren’t cats narcisstic ?

My N Bro says he’s allergic to pets, hates cats and dogs. I thought that was because animals can pick up on things we miss, and he was worried about being unmasked.

[claudiaduffy]

My mom is a hoarder, and hoarders can hoard animals, too. My T says hoarding is indicative of fear of loss, which fits the profile of a pwBPD.

Curiouser and curiouser. My BPD hated all animals. She refused to allow us a pet.  She basically said she wouldn’t look after any pet, and didn’t want the extra house work a dog or cat created due to fur etc... .Considering she resented having to look after her kids, that made sense. Can you get narcisstic supply from a Pet?

I did read that Narcisstic minded people go for dogs, as they’re obedient and allow the Nark the control and obedience they crave. But that was only a newspaper article, so opinion. However the animal that comes up the most on this forum is the cat. Aren’t cats narcisstic ?

My N Bro says he’s allergic to pets, hates cats and dogs. I thought that was because animals can pick up on things we miss, and he was worried about being unmasked.

I don't think it's a universal, HappyChappy. My uBPDm disliked having furry animals in the house, but we lived on a farm and cajoled her into letting our cats and dogs in sometimes. She would lose patience with them and was not particularly close with any of them. She did love birds (both captive and wild) and was gentle with baby animals, but never treated them like people or friends.

Of course, it got weirder after all of us kids left home and then my dad left her. She got a kitten, named it after her sister (?), and then would call me up complaining that "the kitten won't stay in my lap and let me pet it, and doesn't come when I call it." I felt like asking her what kind of animal she thought she had, and if she'd been completely blind to typical cat behavior the entire time we had them around during my growing up years... .

[Turkish]

My mom has an evil Chihuahua. I don't mind the others, and even like a couple of them. This one is teacup size. Small brain. TERRIER. It only likes my mom. A few years ago, she tried to get me to pet it. I said, "it looks like she wants to bite me." My mom replied, "no, she won't bite you!" I said, "ok... ." wanting to please my mom. I know how to approach dogs. I've even even dog whispered animals who don't like men, much to the amazement of the owners. It's about understanding their fears, recognizing their triggers, and putting one's self into their minds. So I stuck my hand out slowly, fingers down, somewhat submissive. *NIP* the little "please read" bit me! My mom said, "I can't believe she just did that!"

We've had a couple of conversations about if she has to move to the city with us. No chickens (though there are allowed in my city), no cats and only one dog. She said, "you know which dog I'd take!" Yeah, the meanest one, I know... .(not around my kids, no way).  

[PleaseValidate]

Damn. Which kind of BPD profile is more likely to have these hoarding animal issues? Witch? Waif? And why does my BPDmo treat her one cat like furniture?  She seems to not care about it at all, never takes them to vets yet always gets one after the one she has inevitably dies. (Kinda like she treated me in a way.)

Anyways,  i second what Beat said. Having the ones neutered that need to be should *at least* improve the sanitary issues a bit. I think there are charities that will donate to such things,  if she is eligible.

This sounds very stressful 

[Seoulsister]

Anyways,  i second what Beat said. Having the ones neutered that need to be should *at least* improve the sanitary issues a bit. I think there are charities that will donate to such things,  if she is eligible.

This sounds very stressful 

They are all spayed or neutered, so that's not the problem. I think it's because they're all indoor pets and feel crowded?

At any rate, I've taken the boundaries advice and am now avoiding the cat topic with her.