Looking on the bright side, of the complete destruction of my soul.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Besides all the important lessons I've learned. I do think in a way, she taught me to be free. Even though it was a lie and a blip at the beginning. I'd like to look back to that time someday and just be happy about it. We were two broken kids in adult bodies skipping down train tracks, eating jujubs and pretending all of our pain could be wished away and defied. In a way, it was beautiful. I could swear I saw god when I was with her at the beginning. In the trees, in her smile, in the sky as it pulsed. I was happy just to exist.  I hope I can use that time period to help me in the future. For a long time remembering that kept me clinging for dear life to her though.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Besides all the important lessons I've learned. I do think in a way, she taught me to be free. Even though it was a lie and a blip at the beginning. I'd like to look back to that time someday and just be happy about it. We were two broken kids in adult bodies skipping down train tracks, eating jujubs and pretending all of our pain could be wished away and defied. In a way, it was beautiful. I could swear I saw god when I was with her at the beginning. In the trees, in her smile, in the sky as it pulsed. I was happy just to exist.  I hope I can use that time period to help me in the future. For a long time remembering that kept me clinging for dear life to her though.

[LettingGo14]

I hope I can use that time period to help me in the future.

That was an insightful reflection.  Thank you for writing it.  I'm hopeful as well that perspective, time, and context will allow us to find meaning in it all -- the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Life has ups and downs, sunny weather and stormy weather, and we learn to adapt and be resilient. 

[monkeyman]

That is a great outlook!


She gave me some of the happiest moments in my life, and I feel like I caught a glimpse into how fulfilled I could be.  I'm not looking for it in a person now, and she disappeared quite suddenly and with someone else.  But I'm still learning to be a healthier, happier person.  Very grateful to her indeed, still struggling with resentment a lot though.

Best of luck man

[Vexed]

I agree.  I think I'll owe her a huge thank you in the future.  She has definitely changed me for the better,  if I can ever get out of this depression and move on that is.  But she showed me a level of happiness I never thought possible, makes me optimistic and scared at the same time for the future. 

Guess they call it chasing the dragon for a reason. 

[Mr Hollande]

When my first BPD gf dumped me (15 years ago now) I was in a strange place for the first 3 days. I was supposed to feel sad and heartbroken but I felt nothing. On the third day I told myself "Come on, it's OK to be sad. Let it out now.". Then I thought some more and realised I wasn't sad at all. I realised I felt GREAT! It spoke volumes.

[Blimblam]

Yes she attached to the ego and attempted to destroy it. She brought to the surface into your concious awareness your fears to be precessed to be able to find your true self.  You can face your fears and experience them and transform them or you can repair your ego the choice is yours.

[Tibbles]

Love the title - just sums it up. Just gotta trust I will emerge bigger, braver and better than I was before.

[Caredverymuch]

Besides all the important lessons I've learned. I do think in a way, she taught me to be free. Even though it was a lie and a blip at the beginning. I'd like to look back to that time someday and just be happy about it. We were two broken kids in adult bodies skipping down train tracks, eating jujubs and pretending all of our pain could be wished away and defied. In a way, it was beautiful. I could swear I saw god when I was with her at the beginning. In the trees, in her smile, in the sky as it pulsed. I was happy just to exist.  I hope I can use that time period to help me in the future. For a long time remembering that kept me clinging for dear life to her though.

Building, theres a lot of eloquence here.  So much of what you say is true which makes the full detachment such a timely process.  It continues to baffle me as to why they dont miss that time too. 

This was the time that many of us nons may have been truly forming an intimacy bond with our pBPD. Intimacy in the realm of " in to me see," which is what it felt like.  Felt like you could see right into their heart and soul during those moments.  Oh, the sad irony. 

Thanks for your insight. 

[camuse]

Great post, thanks. It is so true.

Yes, do they miss it? Did they really enjoy it?

It's true, they show you how incredibly happy you can be. But accepting it was merely an illusion is very tough indeed.

I'm not sure it has benefited me, to be honest. I will not be able to enjoy that level of happiness again, for fear of it being snatched away again. I've gained in some ways, but been permanently harmed in others. Overall, it was just a horrific experience.

[Ventus2ct]

I'm not sure it has benefited me, to be honest. I will not be able to enjoy that level of happiness again, for fear of it being snatched away again. I've gained in some ways, but been permanently harmed in others. Overall, it was just a horrific experience.

I'm with you there Camuse, feel the same, although will acknowledge that I was the happiest man alive at the time early doors, will i ever feel like that again? Who knows. I am not sure I will ever be thankful of her mode of operation on me, thats what it was like, surgical, without the pain relief. Maybe after years I will look back and be grateful but I cannot even fathom how to feel like that after how she behaved. I think to simply come to terms, negotiate my own closure, look inward and heal will be about all this old goat can manage for now, with luck the whole memory will fade away like a branch in a pool sinking to the bottom and staying there.

All I can be grateful of is, not knowing the full extent of her lies (I trusted and never doubted her) The happiness/fun/feeling of being truly in love/letting myself go early doors, the fact she has tried not to contact me and I guess the kick up the arse that I needed to look inwards at myself but guess that may have happened anyway eventually without her input. I think i'm still quite bitter over it all still.

[Tausk]

Thank you for the post.  And I agree, but I would say that I would rephrase the statement a bit.  My soul was not destroyed. I'm still on the board.  I still care for myself and others.  I'm even kinder more open and more compassionate and connected with others.

So my soul is intact, and in fact stronger and better than ever.

It was my false self that was destroyed.  The false self that I tried to project to the outside world.  And it was the fabrication that I constructed so carefully that was destroyed.

And yes, that was a blessing since I've worked at recovery. And in the aftermath of the destruction, with the false self in less control, my real self has a chance to surface and be vulnerable and connected.  And this is what I've always really wanted in my life.  To be myself with myself and others.  To be vulnerable. To be self accepting. To have contentment and be comfortable in my own skin.  

It's not perfect but it's much better. And it provides me with the hope that I can continue to grow and love myself and others in the manner that I've always dreamed of expressing.

Be well,

t