Sage continues but I need to end my emotional attachment to it

[funfunctional]

Tuesday was a tough day.  I posted something that happened with my sister who I think is BPD but not diagnosed.   I finally had to block her texts as they were so horrible.

The lastest is the Facebook smearing.   After she unfriended me, my husband, my daughter and my cousin whom she assumes are on "MY SIDE" as isnt' it after all about SIDES with my sister.   I am glad she unfriended my daughter since she posted nasty comment about me.

Basically... .my immediate family growing up I am mourning the loss of.    My mom passed a long time ago.  My dad still here.   My brother stopped talking to me about 4 years ago (no reason?) and my dad two years ago and my sister two years ago.  My brother has schizophrenia.  He had depression/mood swings/feels like a loser/ and has delusions of grandeur that go to the level of truly believing he is "something" and recently went to newspapers to show his invention that was actually something that someone else invented years ago and he painted and added a couple things to.   The comments under the article included "someone better get this guy help before he hurts himself"  "this guy shold be sued for patent infringement" ... .really bad.   Thankfully he lives in another state.  Then he decided to call the local paper in teh town  grew up in and buffalo the local reporter and the article was "all about how he really is a somebody" and it was OVER THE TOP.


Both my siblings are mentally ill.    I look at myself and have to really mirror myself.    Then my best best friends will say to me "you are normal... .you are not mentally ill" and I honestly have to hear this.      



Next step:  my sister will use the hate towards me to reconnect with my brother.  It has always been that way.   They are HORRIBLE HORRIBLE human beings.   No faith, no love, cynical, make fun of other people, hateful... .glass half full... .and unstable.   Low values... . 

My family is small.    I don't know what my kids have left now.    Really sad for me & my kids & I have to work thru this additional loss.



thanks for listening... .

[claudiaduffy]

   I don't know what my kids have left now.

What your kids have left is a future of possible freedom from people manipulating, harassing, and deliberating wounding them. I know it sucks to lose the bulk of your family - but you "lost" them a long time ago. You may never have "had" them, really - at least, you may never have had the loving family that you wanted.

Healthy boundaries (and the right to stand up for them) are one of the very best gifts you can give your children. And you can add to it by making good, healthy friends that will become your family of choice, instead of living your life suffering at the hands of your family of origin.

I'm so sorry it hurts so much. =(

[Linda Maria]

Hi Funfunctional - so sorry to read your post - sounds like you are really hurting.  You have been through a lot of loss in your life - have you ever had grief counselling?  it might be worth thinking about.  I totally agree with the other reply - your kids have everything to look forward to because you will be a great Mum to them - they will never go through this stuff.  You will have everything to look forward too as well, once you can begin to heal - and you will - it is doable. Just be kind to yourself.  Wish you well.  JB

[funfunctional]

Thank you Claudia and Linda,

Focusing on the "what haves" instead of the "what have nots" is important.   This is for me a time to heal once again and refocus... .focus on positive positive and small happy things.   I went downtown last night and listened to music with a couple woman friends.   I just sat in the moment.

I have leaned on my spirituality and grown with it in the past 12 years.   

As far as grieving... .counselors can listen... .but decisions to change have to come from me.  I read all the books about grief and I think our bodies need to feel & deal & cope & get thru it.  I saw a counselor Monday that I vent to... .get teen advice from.   

Two... .plus months ago I started coming here (about that) becuz I had the feeling I would need a place to talk.    My dream of keeping the family together and seeing my sister and nephews and having that I could see was a dream... .and I can't control someone else's thoughts and reactions and behavior.    I hate being the target.  I was the target of my MIL who has BPD and I am the target of both my siblings and it is hard to be a target.        I was also a target for my step son (thru the BPD MIL feeing him information).

I look at myself and say "why am I a target?".   "what am I doing wrong?".     I think and think and look in the mirror and have had to have friends and other family say to me "It is not you!".     I need ot hear that and be reminded of that.    I may not be perfect but I always try to please and make peace and be kind but I don't do confrontational people.    I can't do verbally abusive people.


I have to focus on the long list of people that love me in my life!

    That is all I can do.

*Hi

[Linda Maria]

So nice to read your last post!  How lucky are you to have a long list of people in your life who love you!  Yay!  JB