Does this sound like BPD?

[projectBmode]

Here’s a list of many (not all) things I’ve gone through. I understand they’re opinionated. I'm assuming people here will understand these stories better than the average person not knowledgeable of BPD would.

To most people, many of these things may seem like typical couples' arguments, but these accusations and flip outs come completely from nowhere.

Incidents before the pregnancy that retroactively appear aligned with BPD (at the time I attributed these to the stress of a long-distance relationship, which was her excuse to me)

•   When she first visited in Feb 2013, on a number of occasions she burst into tears stating, “You don’t like me, do you?”, for comments that I thought were pretty innocent (I can’t recall exactly what was said)

•   After she visited in February, she was very insistent for about a month that I call her my girlfriend

•   In August she had a big outburst the 3rd day she visited and wanted to go home (she didn’t really offer an explanation other than “things don’t feel right”); she decided to stay suddenly when she saw I was upset she was going to leave

•   She was very insistent that she had birth control “under control” despite my constant pressure to take more action (I reminded her to take the pill every day and she insisted that was more than enough)

•   I know I have no proof of this and it’s purely speculation and even if it’s true it probably doesn’t mean much in the eyes of the law, but I do think she got pregnant on purpose out of fear of me leaving; I accused her of this on multiple occasions and it’s one of the only things she has actually NOT gotten angry at me about and she’s never ACTUALLY denied it, only changed the subject

Drama surrounding whether or not to keep the baby in the first place

•   The first 1.5 weeks we knew we talked for about 4-5 hours a day trying to decide whether or not we should keep the baby

•   uBPDex ultimately told me it was my choice and she only wanted what I wanted; I decided I wanted to keep the baby

•   When I visited in October Rebecca told me, “The second I found out I was pregnant I knew I wanted to keep it….Even if you didn’t want to keep it I was going to anyway”

•   I understand that it’s her body and her choice, but it was the fact that I felt manipulated that bothered me there

Drama during her visit in December

•   There were constant arguments again (some revolving around her wanting to leave me) so I was asking my mom for help via text

•   My mom had suggested (long before me mentioning anything about BPD) that maybe she had “mental problems” (largely because she was at a loss for explanation – there was no anger in her tone)

•   She had meant it (if you’d read the previous messages) in the context of anxiety because my sister had previously had anxiety problems, saw a few psychologists, and was eventually able to overcome it

•   uBPDex had stolen my phone to read my messages and saw that message

•   After that incident, she brought up my mom accusing her of having mental issues during nearly every argument we had in the 5 months after that (it was the one comment that seemed to offend her more than anything)

Drama when she decided she was unsure about moving to Canada

•   Leading up to and immediately after the baby’s birth, uBPDex decided to begin to get angry with me that she did not want to move to Canada

•   In December, her and I had spent an entire evening outlining all of our options (we had about 5 scenarios, including her moving immediately, her moving after a few months, putting the baby up for adoption, me living in Northern England with her, us living in London, etc.) and decided that her moving in with me in Canada was the most logical option as she was still working supply (teaching) and living at home while I had a full-time job, my own place, plus fully retired parents who were eager to help with the baby

•   During this outburst (which, as I would like to remind you, was a week before the baby was born), her mother asked me if living in England was an option

•   I brought up the conversation from December, rehashed the entire thing, and uBPDex claimed she did not remember the conversation (although she did not accuse me of lying) – this is aside from the fact of how infeasible it was to change minds on a decision like that so last second

Drama with my family

•   After the baby was born we were showing him on Skype to my family members, including my aunt, uncle, and dad; my family had not been informed at this point that uBPDex had hesitations about moving to Canada

•   uBPDex got extremely angry with me, insisting my family was “trying to force [her] to move there and being extremely pushy,”; all they said was, “We’re excited to see you guys again so hurry up and get here!”

•   I explained that they were under the impression she was coming because she told them (quite enthusiastically too) that she was coming

Drama after the baby’s birth

•   uBPDex and her mother would not let my mom see the baby until a day and a half after he was born because Rebecca was concerned about how she looked after giving birth (despite her dad and her aunt coming to visit)

•   My mom was in England a total of 3 weeks and saw uBPDex only about 5 times and the baby about 2 because Rebecca kept insisting that it “wasn’t a good time” despite not having particular plans (my mom basically sat in a hotel every day waiting for uBPDex and her mom to decide if they wanted to see her that day)

Drama with the birth registration

•   uBPDex kept insisting she wanted the baby named “______ Jones” (my last name)

•   At the birth registrar, her mom was whispering to her

•   When we got in line, I asked what her mom was saying, she said, “Oh, nothing…”

•   After two minutes of silence she said, “My mom was just asking how I felt because I haven’t been well.”

•   When we were next in line, uBPDex asked me (and this was NEVER previously mentioned), “Is it okay if his last name is Miller-Jones? It’s okay if you don’t want to.”

•   I said I’d prefer not to, but then she persisted despite saying I could disagree – I conceded to avoid an argument in the middle of the civic centre

•   When we got out of the registrar, the first thing she said to her mom was “His name is Miller-Jones (with a big grin on her face)” and her mom instantly turned to her dad (who looked sort of shocked) and said “his name is Miller-Jones….did you hear that?”

•   Similar to the abortion discussion, it was the principle of this whole pre-meditated plan that bothered me, despite her and her mother later arguing that he’s entitled to the name Miller (uBPDex claims she “only thought of it in the car”)



Drama regarding moving and the most outrageous accusation I’ve ever heard

•   I was reading a book and uBPDex approached me and opened the conversation with, “I don’t want the baby to have a Canadian passport”

•   I said, “Okay? Well, he won’t have one right away, but when he does, I don’t see the issue because you don’t need to relinquish any British citizenship”

•   “Well….you and your mom might kidnap him”

•   I said, calmly, that this was the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard and asked if we could repeat the conversation in front of her parents

•   She agreed; her dad had a blank stare when she said this, but her mom was un-phased (she sounded like she’d heard this before... .probably because she fed it to her like everything else she said) and tried to explain how what she was saying made sense and why it made sense to not have a Canadian passport (I could rehash it here but it was utter nonsense... .something about how it would be easier if when we were at customs desks in Canada if our son had the same passport as his mother instead of his father)



Drama in the hospital

•   uBPDex had 10 visits to the hospital for lack of fetal movement and not once was there anything remotely wrong

•   The doctors said they have never seen anyone 10 times (and rarely more than 2 or 3, let alone with nothing wrong) and more or less forced her to induce labour at 40 weeks (usually they wait until 42)

Drama when I left

•   uBPDex's mother refused to give me the extra copies of the birth certificate I paid for with my name on it (they later gave them to me)

•   It took 30 minutes to leave because uBPDex was screaming and holding onto me, begging me to stay (while in the same breath, turning to her mother and telling her how terrible everything I’d done was)



Drama since I’ve left (before engaging lawyers... .we aren't talking directly at the moment)

•   She kept insisting she wants me to see the baby on Skype

•   We would set a date, but as that date approached, she would tell me she can’t do it on that date, and insist we talk instantly

•   When I said I wasn't available, she would email me, Whats App me, BBM me, Facebook message me, call my cell, call my parent’s house, and email my mom

•   If she didn't get a response in 20 minutes both her and her mom would send another email telling us how cruel we’re being to her; we have literally come home to see all these messages at once and have no idea what’s going on (we still have them with the timestamps)

•   She’ll proceed to tell me she doesn’t want to talk to me when I’m being so mean (despite me not saying anything and her initiating the conversation) and will delete me off every means of communication

•   A few days later she will re-add me to every type of communication, then start talking in an almost flirtatious way and start sending me pictures of the baby

•   That was a cycle that repeated more or less weekly where she oscillated between telling me how terrible I am and trying to be buddies with me; I’ve taken the previous lawyer and psychologist’s advice and just been polite and more or less not said anything (this behaviour has finally subsided a little the past week but she is insisting on speaking this Wednesday again)

•   In addition, when I finally get on Skype to see the baby, she will tell me “he’s going to be 15 minutes because my mom is feeding him, so let’s just talk for now”

Miscellaneous items

•   She took a number of things people said out of context, including interpreting everything after December that my mom said as an accusation of her being mentally insane

•   She’s hit me, thrown her phone at me, and blackmailed me (I have audio of the first and last item because I got to a point where I was trying to record things to make sure I was remembering incidents correctly that she was later fabricating - you can clearly hear her hitting me and saying, "I will tear your f**king family apart" as a result of me admitting I told my mom about her having BPD)

•   She kept accusing me, in front of her parents, of being “a dictator who makes all of the decision,” but when I asked her, point blank, in front of her parents to tell me a decision I had made without her consent, she had zero examples

•   Her parents never once told me I was out of line with anything I said or did with the exception of leaving uBPDex completely (many of the above conversations were in front of them – her dad’s response was always “that’s just how women are you just need to be patient”)

•   I’m pretty sure uBPDex's mother also has BPD

•   Her and her mother always tell me how insane her mom’s mother is (including that she’s thrown a knife at her husband); BPD is supposed to be a “learned” trait that is 3 times as likely to occur in women (and even higher when siblings or parents had BPD)

•   I think everything boils down to her and her mom having BPD and the following fears driving everything

•   uBPDex's mother afraid of uBPDex leaving her

•   uBPDex afraid of me leaving her

•   uBPDex afraid of someone taking the baby from her (or him eventually choosing to stay with me over her)

[seeking balance]

projectBmode,

None of us here can diagnose - but based on the fact you have 10 headlines that start with DRAMA - you have definitely made a case for it being an unhealthy relationship for you.

BPD or not - certainly has been a lot of drama that you have been around and I am sure your head is spinning at times.  I went through a time when I first got here that I wanted to know for sure if it was BPD.  A senior member said to me, you lived it, you know it was dysfuctional... .sometimes labels are not necessary if the patterns of behavior point to unhealthy.

All that said, what are you doing to help center yourself from all this?

Peace,

SB

[tired-of-it-all]

Much of what you describe reminds me of my wife.

[projectBmode]

Thanks @seekingbalance.

One of the mods helped break my initial post into different parts, so I don't know if I was really wondering that much if it was BPD. As much as I think it is, you're absolutely right that even if I'm labelling it wrong, it's not a relationship to be in.

As much as being in a different country from my son is hurting me, being in a different country from BPDexgf is helping me. Prior to really understanding BPD might be the cause (and still really brushing BPDexgf's actions off as a function of the situation that would eventually be alleviated), my boss sent me to deep breathing classes. Since then, I've read a bit more on meditation and relaxation and now incorporate 10 minutes into my day everyday.

I'm still learning to brush off the fact that every word that comes out of her mouth is utter nonsense. I have some friends who are great at being absolutely objective in helping me make decisions. I've come to realize between what they've said and what my psychologist and lawyer said, that the first two years are more or less a charade. I can't be in England daily and won't get overnight rights. The charade is to visit a couple times a year to "prove" I'm making an effort, so I'm not boxed out of more intense contact (daily phone calls, overnight rights, and eventually visitation in my home country). Just reasoning through the best realistic outcome helps me calm down and recognize how meaningless most of the quarrels are.

I'm still struggling with the uncertainty of the future, but as I write that I realize it's silly. I'm terrified BPDexgf and BPDexmil will keep my son locked from the world in their tiny home and absolutely paranoid of everything, just as they are. I'm afraid he won't want to stay with me because of brainwashing. I'm still struggling that the law more or less lets BPDexgf and BPDexmil force me to follow their orders.

Every day is progress, but still a long way from complete peace.

[Jb101]

I'd second the comment that it's impossible to know without a professional diagnosing. Some of it could be just clingy mother in law stuff, but some of it also brings back memories... .did she idealise the mother in law?

Makes me very glad my ex never got pregnant, she used to take big risks and only tell me after we'd had sex numerous times that she'd sometimes decided to stop taking the pill a for a month or so. Happened a few times and terrified me. Particularly when she refused to take a pregnancy test once.