Am I a bum or loser?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm over 25, still live at home, but I work from home, sometimes part or full time. The money I make is enough to pay the few bills I have but I haven't yet saved up enough to move out. Both of my parents, religiously grill in my head that frankly, I am a bum and failure in life . My mother has said that she is ashamed of me, and doesn't even want me picking her up from work. She doesn't want her co-workers to know that she has a grown daughter still living at home (she works a blue collar job). My dad, says the same thing, I am a bum, my job is worthless, and he is embarrassed to be my father. Even when I was in nursing school, he would remind me that I was going nowhere in life and that I should be further ahead.  Mom pretty much tells me that everyone else has out performed me in life, has put me in competition with other relatives who she thinks has more... .pretty much everyone is better than me because they either are in a relationship, have a better job, have kids, etc.

I am trying for the life of me to make the best of this situation and tolerate them until I can get out my feet, but the emotional abuse is getting worse. Just about everyday, I am reminded that I am powerless, and at the bottom of the barrel. when I was taking prerequisites for nursing school I literally had to fight my mother on a regular basis because she would continually push me to quit; she'd throw fits and rages when she saw me studying for Chemistry; accused of lying about my progress in college or even be enrolled. we fought a lot. But a few years ago I had more hope and knew I could beat the odds and make it. I finished my prereqs with excellent grades got in and well I failed. NDad kept reminding me I was still a bum before I left to class. That was soul crushing

I'm just trying to gain what little self esteem I have left cause right now I have none. I failed nursing school the first semester because my father kept beating me down, telling me that I was an old maid, and should be done with school, almost everyday. I feel like my life is a complete waste and I'm very sad. I will never get ahead. 

[kharma]

I'm over 25, still live at home, but I work from home, sometimes part or full time. The money I make is enough to pay the few bills I have but I haven't yet saved up enough to move out. Both of my parents, religiously grill in my head that frankly, I am a bum and failure in life . My mother has said that she is ashamed of me, and doesn't even want me picking her up from work. She doesn't want her co-workers to know that she has a grown daughter still living at home (she works a blue collar job). My dad, says the same thing, I am a bum, my job is worthless, and he is embarrassed to be my father. Even when I was in nursing school, he would remind me that I was going nowhere in life and that I should be further ahead.  Mom pretty much tells me that everyone else has out performed me in life, has put me in competition with other relatives who she thinks has more... .pretty much everyone is better than me because they either are in a relationship, have a better job, have kids, etc.

I am trying for the life of me to make the best of this situation and tolerate them until I can get out my feet, but the emotional abuse is getting worse. Just about everyday, I am reminded that I am powerless, and at the bottom of the barrel. when I was taking prerequisites for nursing school I literally had to fight my mother on a regular basis because she would continually push me to quit; she'd throw fits and rages when she saw me studying for Chemistry; accused of lying about my progress in college or even be enrolled. we fought a lot. But a few years ago I had more hope and knew I could beat the odds and make it. I finished my prereqs with excellent grades got in and well I failed. NDad kept reminding me I was still a bum before I left to class. That was soul crushing

I'm just trying to gain what little self esteem I have left cause right now I have none. I failed nursing school the first semester because my father kept beating me down, telling me that I was an old maid, and should be done with school, almost everyday. I feel like my life is a complete waste and I'm very sad. I will never get ahead. 

[HappyChappy]

I work from home, sometimes part or full time... .

... .I was taking prerequisites for nursing school I literally had to fight my mother on a regular basis because she would continually push me to quit; she'd throw fits and rages when she saw me studying for Chemistry; accused of lying about my progress in college or even be enrolled.

Despite describing the sort of childhood that sends many into complete collapse, into long term unemployment or homelessness, you’re cleary a survivor. Despite your parents appalling behaviour, sounds like you’ve turned out to be a good person. That’s an amazing achievement. I tried to top myself age 10 and ran away from home aged 12 so I know the pressures. To survive is a feet, and to come out the back end of childhoods like ours a good person, is a wonder.

Unfortunately, if you’re getting regular self esteem bashings, you need to focus on escaping that. Keep out of their way. I use to hang around the library, join loads of clubs and camp out a friends houses. BPD propaganda works, even though we know its propaganda. That’s why they chant these things, they want to anchor you. But you can counter it, by standing in front of the mirror and chanting yourself. Tell yourself each day all that you have achieved in life, all that is good. Might seem daft at first, but if their chants bring you down, your chants must lift you up. Do it every day and focus on breaking free of your parents. You mention you have an income, which is a great start. Don’t let your parents know you’re planning to leave.

Little by little you’ll  get there, and when you’re free you’ll blossom. But in answer to your question, you’re clearly a winner, a fighter and that’s just what you mentioned in the post.  I always think of Amy Whinehouse, when I  want to visualise the damage a Narcisstic farther can do. She was so talented, yet you and I have already achieved more that a Legend of Music could, by surviving. Keep it up. 

[funfunctional]

Hi there,

You are young and have so much you can do.   But you are not going to do it listening to all this negativity from your parents.   I think it sounds like you do need to get motivated & do more.   But what do YOU want to do?   Reach in and think about that.   My guess is that when you say what you want to do it may get put down too.   That may be why you lack motivation.   The moment you feel motivated you get disapproval.    Well that's gotta go!

Stop relying on them for motivation.   Dig within & cut yourself loose from their ideas.  They probably aren't all bad.   Just like the glass half empty.    Debbie Downers a bit.   

BTW   nursing school is a great idea.    I would have told you as a mother "you go for it... .and explore the many many possiblities as a nurse and the advantages as a male nurse you would have".     Think about it... .ER nurse... .Surgical nurse... .Orthopedic nursing if you like sports... .sky is the limit.

I do agree that you sound like a good KID!  (at 25 I am much older so you are a kid).    I would recommend joining a group that motivates... .go to a career resource center... .job help center... .continue your education WHILE working in your field.

The comparing you to others is about them.   "how things look".     Do the "whatever" and just worry about you and compare yourslef to no one.  Be YOU and do some daily self affirmations.  WAke up... .set the alarm!  LOL and say to yourself "I am going out there today and I can do whatever my mind sets out to do".     Get out of the energy of all this Debbie Downer stuff.        Oh - and watch some old Saturday Night Lives to see Debbie Downer in case you don't have a clue what I am referring to.


GO my kind friend... .you really do sound like a nice person.     

[tomboy149]

OP I am also 25 and live at home. I still don't have a job. You r not a bum.

[workinprogress]

Your situation sounds soo much like mine growing up!  My God, looking back I don't know how I made it!

My dad constantly created drama and called me a weakling and stupid.  He told me that I was lazy.  When I was 12 he started on me about deciding a career.  If I decided on something he would belittle it.

Upon reflection, here is what I wish I would have done, which I did later when I was older.

Make a 5 year plan for your life.  Focus on it and devote yourself to it.  Block your parents out of your life as much as you can.

So, decide what you want and don't let anything stop you.

Also, something that I failed to do was to go out of town and take little mini vacations and breaks.  Make plans for little trips.  This is more important than you realize.  When you go away for a week or a weekend, it is so nice to wake up and have them around.  You will be amazed how much it lightens your load.

Also, call on your higher power and ask for help.  Also, ask for insight on how to deal with your situation.

These N parents can make your life a drama filled living hell.  Try to rise above it some how.

You can do it!

[Shelle]

Hi, Karma. 

You and I are in a similar boat.  I recently realized something that has really helped me and might help you too.

You've probably heard that phrase... ."The most powerful lies are the lies with an ounce of truth."  The same think goes with lies about you and me from our parents.  Everyone goes through phases in which they are not very productive.  It does NOT make us bums or losers.  Now that I've realized that, I am much more able to tune out my parents' remarks.

[MyLifeNow]

You're not a bum or a loser! You're young and have a job. With the state of the economy in North America the last decade or so that's no small accomplishment. You even got into nursing school, which means you're fairly intelligent and capable. If it weren't for the negativity dragging you down you might be succeeding by now and off living your own life. But that isn't what your parents want. You're the anchor they're using to manage their emotions, and any hint of progress to becoming independent is a threat to that. So they dump more abuse on you to make you not believe in yourself and stay in the same old rut.

My dad did the same thing with me after I finished my degree. I was stuck living with him and not getting any responses to my resumes, so I got all the same abuse about being too old to be at home. I even got abuse for spending time studying programming language stuff I could use in job interviews, because I was "wasting time". Anything I did that brought me closer to becoming independent and successful just made the abuse worse. If you have to continue living with them for now, the best thing I could suggest is doing your studying / self improvement time away from the house. Don't let them see you do it, and don't tell them you're doing it. Just do it, and then prove them wrong by succeeding.

[gentquality]

It sounds like they are reflecting their own insecurities on you.  Many people do not move out of the home well into the 30s now a days due to poor economy, reduced income and continous rise of goods and real estate.

My father was very similar to yours, I never got his validation and approval.  Don't let this negativity stop you.  Find something you enjoy because money will eventually come.

[PleaseValidate]

If it helps,  I am ashamed of your mom for saying she is ashamed of you. 

[workinprogress]

Here is some food for thought for you.  I love my kids, I don't hassle them about work or anything.  I let them make their own decisions and I cast judgment on them.  I offer advice, and I support their decisions.

My oldest son is a musician.  He is 21 and he has worked full time and saved up his money and he didn't work for about a year.  Other people said stuff to me about him not working.  I quickly told the other people that he worked for a year and saved his money.  He asks for nothing from me and he is living off his savings.

Meanwhile, he records music from the house nearly 24/7.  He has recorded 2 cds and played every instrument on them.  He hasn't made much money yet from their sales, but I allow him to pursue his dreams.

If he has to live at home until he is 50 pursuing his dreams, I will not complain.

I think many parents get wrapped up in what the neighbors/friends/family think.  I don't care what anyone else thinks.  I just want my kids to lead rich, fulfilling lives.

My other kids are doing well, too.

How about trying this?  Tell your parents to support you instead of giving you grief.