Concern for a BPD's Child

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I met my exuBPD's child and now have concerns for her health & well being.

She is 10yrs old and shows signs of having an eating disorder.  The BPD has big issues with food and he also reports that her mother is constantly telling her she's getting fat. I would think she just about scrapes into the bottom percentiles of child growth charts, so will probably go unnoticed by a school nurse doing school checks, without also having an idea of how difficult she finds eating.  I have no way of knowing if her mother really does that or if it's a distortion of the BPD's.  The BPD also reports that the mother has issues with her own self image and manages to pay for private plastic surgery out of her welfare benefits.

The child displayed obvious signs of social anxiety which could be explained by a pervasive development disorder such as Aspergers, but both parents seem truly oblivious to the child's issues.  You may think that her school would notice, but the experience of many parents in the UK is that the education system positively deny/fight against identifying these children due to protecting their budgets. As long as they can physically walk/talk and do not cause major disruption they lack knowledge or willing to intervene.

I'm also aware that neglect/emotional abuse can result in similar difficulties to developmental delay.  My dilemma is whether I pass my suspicions to the relevant authorities to check in on the child?  I'm tempted, but part of me feels like I am maintaining an interest in the BPD, and that it's really not my problem.  Plus it will give the BPD an excuse to target me.  He will know it's come from me, I did point out his daughters problems, but given how self absorbed he is he will remain in denial and stand firm in his belief that I am berating his daughter to get at him.  He would see any diagnosis for his daughter as a negative reflection of himself.

[Lolster]

I met my exuBPD's child and now have concerns for her health & well being.

She is 10yrs old and shows signs of having an eating disorder.  The BPD has big issues with food and he also reports that her mother is constantly telling her she's getting fat. I would think she just about scrapes into the bottom percentiles of child growth charts, so will probably go unnoticed by a school nurse doing school checks, without also having an idea of how difficult she finds eating.  I have no way of knowing if her mother really does that or if it's a distortion of the BPD's.  The BPD also reports that the mother has issues with her own self image and manages to pay for private plastic surgery out of her welfare benefits.

The child displayed obvious signs of social anxiety which could be explained by a pervasive development disorder such as Aspergers, but both parents seem truly oblivious to the child's issues.  You may think that her school would notice, but the experience of many parents in the UK is that the education system positively deny/fight against identifying these children due to protecting their budgets. As long as they can physically walk/talk and do not cause major disruption they lack knowledge or willing to intervene.

I'm also aware that neglect/emotional abuse can result in similar difficulties to developmental delay.  My dilemma is whether I pass my suspicions to the relevant authorities to check in on the child?  I'm tempted, but part of me feels like I am maintaining an interest in the BPD, and that it's really not my problem.  Plus it will give the BPD an excuse to target me.  He will know it's come from me, I did point out his daughters problems, but given how self absorbed he is he will remain in denial and stand firm in his belief that I am berating his daughter to get at him.  He would see any diagnosis for his daughter as a negative reflection of himself.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Lolster,

It is understandable you would be concerned for a child who seems to have anxiety and a possible eating disorder. Anyone would probably want to do something to help in that situation. You do raise valid concerns about whether trying to get involved would be helpful to her or to you.

Emotional neglect or abuse is a valid concern, however here in the US it is not something our civil authorities can really step in to help with. They are more concerned with physical abuse and neglect. It sounds like circumstances may be similar in the UK. Do you think making a report would result in the child getting help? From what you write, it sounds like probably not.

Sometimes it's difficult to accept that there are situations we can't control and where we can't really help. I have been in a very similar situation and I understand. One thing I noticed in that situation is that I was identifying with the children and hoping to save them because I had my own hurts and needs that needed to be helped. Do you think this might be the case for you? If so, it might help to try turning your efforts inward to care for your own wounds.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Lolster]

Thanks P.F. Change,

That's the problem really, although a big deal is made out of the fact that emotional neglect/abuse should be reported I have actually heard the words from the mouth of a social worker "Oh well we don't interview children about stuff like that, they tend to lie to protect the parent anyway."   

I don't think it's due to my own hurts/needs, I was never emotionally invested in the parent.  I think it's more a case of seeing for myself how much progress can be made for these children if parents fight for their needs to be met.  My son was diagnosed with ASD 3 years ago, I had to fight like a hell cat with the whole education/health system to get the support he required, and I could certainly see how much pay off there had been by putting him next to a child of a similar age who has had no such input, and sadly probably never will.  I feel sad for the child, but she's not my child.

[Lolster]

The bottom line is that the BPD openly states that his daughter isn't receiving the attention she should at home, and he does nothing about that because ultimately he knows he can't provide for her full time either. 

I guess in a selfish way it is better from my point of view to do nothing, because as one of my friends pointed out the BPD would then have the excuse of something he requires my emotional support/input for.