Can't be alone?

[LostGhost]

Hello family,

I had a few questions that's been intriguing me and was hoping to gain a better understanding and further clarification/insight.

1. When we say a person with BPD cannot be alone, what exactly do we mean? They have to be in a relationship 100% of the time? They have to be physically in the presence of a someone (long distance relationship won't work)?

2. My BPDexgf is dating her ex. Apparently I've found out he's quite sick (cancer). It was my understanding pwBPD have very little empathy, it's all about how other people can serve their needs as tools or supply and their greatest fear is abandonment. Why would she willingly enter a relationship with someone who has a potential of dying from health related complications (thus abandoning her) and not only that but someone who requires extra care and attention, thus having to put her own needs aside to meet his?

Her ex is on the other side of the country at the moment staying with his family. So what is the likelihood that he's alone right now, respecting their relationship? Is it more likely she has a replacement already while he's away since they can't be alone or would a couple of emails back and forth between them each day be enough to meet her needs?

Little things like this make me question whether she actually has BPD. Hundreds of other red flags but then a shining contradiction that casts doubt.

[patientandclear]

Long distance r/ships can be ideal for pwBPD.  There is a sense of intimacy but also enforced distance.

There have been some poignant stories here over the time I've been reading on BPDF in which pwBPD view a partner having cancer or other serious illness as imminent abandonment and break up because they can't handle it.

My ex has been consistently wonderful with close friends with cancer, including terminal cancer.  I don't know what would happen if the person he was dating got diagnosed, though.

[Mutt]

As I understand it they don't have a stable sense of self. They attach themselves to your false self, the projected good that you mirror and that gives them an identity. Projected identification and they feel good - especially the honeymoon period but once that they start seeing the faults in you after idealization is when that mirror starts to crack.

They see in black and white and white is what makes them identify with feeling good and black as not feeling good. It's confusing to us. I can see from my experience with my ex she was hurt and couldn't cope in our r/s severe depression, SI, anger, resentment towards me an object and when she attached herself to another man - it was like a switch turned on. I didn't recognize her after she left. She returned to her emotional baseline of happiness with her bf but the cracks are appearing already.

A borderline personality disordered person start reliving their trauma from their abandonment of a parent / caretaker and it's like the trauma plays on a loop. Transference about something in a pwBPD past they may not even identify with. Eventually the pendulum swings to devaluation and they demonize you. They dissociate and attach themselves to another person with a false self. Their core pain is not truly repaired because they cope with maladaptive coping skills - they need to go into therapy to work on that trauma.

It's because they lack a stable self, lack identity, can't cope with  feeling bad and need the attachment to feel good. A pwBPD maintain a self through your mirrored self the care taker / rescuer. Our projected good - that's how I have come to understand it. A short term maladaptive solution to a longterm problem.

The overall theme - it's not about us its about the disorder. BPD is also referred to as a relationship disorder and attachment disorder. They lack a stable sense of self and likely there are feelings of uncertainty and frightfulness attached to that. It's finding oneself and not about loneliness or being alone in the way you or I perceive it. They may jump from one r/s to the next without missing a beat.

From my experience and having talked to someone close to her ex's past. She had someone under her wings before she was ready to make her move and walk away. She can't communicate her needs and it came off as very cold and hurtful when she didn't explain anything and abandoned me (perceived) before she thought I was going to abandon her. She has a pattern of having someone else at the ready and moves on and I believe it's because she lacks identity. I hope that helps.