Why do we do this to ourselves? Why don't we believe we deserve better?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Why do you guys think that we do this to ourselves?  Why do we/did we tolerate this kind of behavior?  I have been stewing on this all weekend.  Why don't I think that I deserve better?

What are your theories?  What are your reasons?

[tired-of-it-all]

Why do you guys think that we do this to ourselves?  Why do we/did we tolerate this kind of behavior?  I have been stewing on this all weekend.  Why don't I think that I deserve better?

What are your theories?  What are your reasons?

[letmeout]

I think because we are caretakers by nature, and many of us had Stockholm Syndrome from being constantly exposed to someone who has BPD.

[Infared]

Good question! I am that guy... .but I have no answer. I don't tolerate that behavior any more, but then I will never date again either... .I would never put myself through anything like that EVER again.

[amigo]

On a rational level I do know very well that I deserve better. But there are those deep underlying childhood wounds that allowed my emotional self to get entangled with an abusive person and get caught up in his lies and promises.

And now, I still know that I deserve better, but I am addicted. If I contact and see him now, it is because I desperately want a hit of the drug.

Ok, mantra for today: I deserve better! I deserve better! I deserve better!

[gtrhr]

I think it has to do with culture and personal background and how we filter out who we want to be our friends.  Add in sexual attraction and love and then it becomes a really high stakes winner takes all game.  Once you have so much time and energy invested and you can't imagine being with another person -well then you do your best to try to make it work.  Only you shouldn't have let it get that far!

The person that ended up treating us very badly, may have started out in the relationship as someone who appeared to be perfectly reasonable.  I can say that my ex girlfriend was everything I wanted in a woman.  We work in a similar field, we shared a lot of laughs early on and when I was with her I could not imagine being with anyone else.  Of course I ignored red flags too.  How she jumped from an affair with one guy into a relationship with me very quickly.  We talked and shared so much in the early days.  We bonded over failures in our marriages so she was great to talk to then.  In fact even between the two of us she seemed great early on in trying to resolve conflicts.  But looking back I look at those experiences very differently now.  In fact I feel she used me to get over her ex husband and once she was ok, she didn't need me.  Hell, she was nicer to him on the phone than she was to me.

I think the forces of really wanting to keep this person around, plus (in my case) having a really strong sense of fairness and wanting her to acknowledge my own worth by treating me the way I deserved to be treated kept me locked in this never ending dance for a long long time.  At times she would sincerely try, things would improve, until they became chaotic and hellish again.

It's kind of hard to even imagine her as the person I knew in the early days when she was giddy with love too.  I could so easily forgive and forget all of the bad experiences, re-enter the relationship and a week later she would be back to the verbal abuse and treating the relationship like a joke.

Even after I learned the pattern and knew what to expect I went back to her on a wing and a prayer, so to speak.

My first serious relationship was this recycling type as well.  Looking back I really wish I had met someone emotionally healthy or even knew what to look for.  I can say some of it is self esteem issues.  The other part was just lack of experience.  Plus not feeling like I had that many options so best to work with the girl I was with.  Surely two intelligent people can make things work right?

The two recycling relationships I've been in forced me into counseling which has helped address some of those things.  I dated around for a while and found it a lot easier to be more guarded in the beginning when I met someone.  I think I could say, I know what I'm looking for in a person now a lot more than before.  One specific example I was being supportive of someone who talked a little bit about her ex husband.  When I talked about the pwBPD I dated before her she sat there and made excuses for her behavior - i.e. the verbal abuse I described to her.  I didn't call her back and a few weeks later she called me wanting to know what had happened.  She's a very attractive girl and not used to that I'm sure.  I actually explained to her about why I didn't call.  She was sincere and apologetic and we went out some more after that but I didn't pursue it that strongly.  We could have dated, which in hindsight seems like a good idea, but... .

well I ended up going back to the person with BPD after her!  And my life went to hell again! Ohhh brother!

[Mutt]

Why do you guys think that we do this to ourselves?  Why do we/did we tolerate this kind of behavior?  I have been stewing on this all weekend.  Why don't I think that I deserve better?

What are your theories?  What are your reasons?

My reason is because of a couple of things. My FOO - invalidating father and emotionally abusive. I didn't self validate and the idealization phase was wonderful and I felt like she was giving me something missing from childhood. Second I had an ill and terminal parent in childhood as well. Co-dependency / caretaker type. I was putting her needs and emotions before my own. It soothes my own anxieties with taking care of someone else. I was enmeshed - I didn't know where she ended and I began - a fusion.

[heartandwhole]

I was putting her needs and emotions before my own. It soothes my own anxieties with taking care of someone else.

I can relate to this and I think it's important to remember that we use care taking coping mechanisms in an effort to take care of ourselves.  They worked when we were children, when our survival depended on it.  Now, these same strategies are outdated, and we need to learn better ways, ways that truly respect who we are now, and match our adult needs.

We tolerate what we are used to, what is familiar.  What patterns do you see in your situation, tired-of-it-all? 

[Sugarlily]

I can relate to this and I think it's important to remember that we use care taking coping mechanisms in an effort to take care of ourselves.  They worked when we were children, when our survival depended on it.  Now, these same strategies are outdated, and we need to learn better ways, ways that truly respect who we are now, and match our adult needs.

We tolerate what we are used to, what is familiar.  What patterns do you see in your situation, tired-of-it-all?  [/quote]
I can see this in myself. When I met my bf it felt like coming home; it has taken some months of therapy to realise how dysfunctional home actually was.

My dad has given very little to my mum all the way through their relationship and has largely treated her as a slave. She submits completely to his desires and demands giving herself little opportunity to have or do what she wants - she just accepts this because she love him. This is a pattern I have learnt and as I got so much more from my bf that my dad has ever given my mum it convinced myself it was therefore good.

After each unexpected illogical circular argument and days after dysregulation my bf would always say: you deserve better. I always countered him rather than accepting the truth.