HELP Legal Quagmire 911

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

No doubt many of us have struggled with ethical and legal issues related to the illegal actions of our pwBPD's. And so many of us have suffered financial losses because of them. I have contacted an attorney and will be seeing a new T on Tuesday. But bfBPD has charged up my credit cards without my knowledge or authorization. Already he is on probation for fraud, and if I report him (to protect myself); he likely will be returned to federal prison. He desperately needs treatment and seems to be decompensating quickly. In addition to what he has done to me, he has violated his probation with other fraudulent activities. He is more ill and now seemingly more cruel than I could ever have imagined. I fear that he will de compensate further in a prison setting. But he truly is a danger to himself and others.

ANY AND ALL COUNSEL IS NEEDED AND GREATLY APPRECIATED!

[Loveofhislife]

No doubt many of us have struggled with ethical and legal issues related to the illegal actions of our pwBPD's. And so many of us have suffered financial losses because of them. I have contacted an attorney and will be seeing a new T on Tuesday. But bfBPD has charged up my credit cards without my knowledge or authorization. Already he is on probation for fraud, and if I report him (to protect myself); he likely will be returned to federal prison. He desperately needs treatment and seems to be decompensating quickly. In addition to what he has done to me, he has violated his probation with other fraudulent activities. He is more ill and now seemingly more cruel than I could ever have imagined. I fear that he will de compensate further in a prison setting. But he truly is a danger to himself and others.

ANY AND ALL COUNSEL IS NEEDED AND GREATLY APPRECIATED!

[Aussie JJ]

Hmmm

Be accountable for your actions and dont be afraid of holding him accountable for his. 

Cancel all CC's change all banking passwords and make a plan before acting. 

Plan plan plan. 

Look after yourself first. 

[PleaseValidate]

I agree w JJ. If there is anyway that you would be responsible for those charges,  report this "friendly fraud" to the police. If you do not,  you send a message that this behavior is okay. No matter what you say, he will listen to your actions,  not your words.

You can give your recommendations re him needing treatment to the courts if he is arrested. They will most likely evaluate him and take this into consideration. There are mental health worker s in prison

Don't put his life over your s.

[Loveofhislife]

Thank you very much; I am really ill about all of this. It's frightening, because it's obvious that he has been using me and planning this all along. I have literally supported him when all friends and family have abandoned him after his last fraudulent go-round and eventual release: for over a year.

[ForeverDad]

Be accountable for your actions and don't be afraid of holding him accountable for his.

Look after yourself first.

Unfortunately, if you don't take action, it was be perceived as a weakened boundary and it would turn out to be enabling further abuse.  I doubt he has any intention to repay, you have no realistic expectation her can/will repay?  Fraud is a form of abuse.  He sounds like he fits much of Dr Joe Carver's User, Loser & Abuser articles.

I agree w JJ. If there is anyway that you would be responsible for those charges,  report this "friendly fraud" to the police. If you do not,  you send a message that this behavior is okay. No matter what you say, he will listen to your actions, not your words.

You can give your recommendations re him needing treatment to the courts if he is arrested. They will most likely evaluate him and take this into consideration. There are mental health workers in prison.

Don't put his life over yours.

Almost surely he has done this to others in the past.  And will do to others again in the future.  Clearly he doesn't stop himself, you couldn't either, maybe the legal/therapeutic system can help him stop.  The only help you personally can give him at this point are consequences.  Whether he will learn from it, well, that's up to him, he's an adult, he has to should responsibility or his actions.

Meanwhile, protect yourself, he sounds like he would be recurring bad news.  Learn from this, don't accept this in your life.  He would have to really, really prove himself to have truly change for a long, long time before you could let him back into your life.  Promises are quick and easy, change is hard and takes time.  Don't let your heart be fooled into thinking a quick promise will indicate change.

[momtara]

I think you answered your own question.  He needs help.  Unfortunately, prison may not be helpful and it's hard to force him into treatment.  Or is it?  Sounds like indeed a lawyer's advice may help.  You could post on avvo.com.

[oblivian2013]

I have a similar situation. The final hearing is at the end of the month. In going through my financials, my lawyer discovered that BPD soon to be ex committed fraud and reported her to the state. It's all like a really bad movie.

[Loveofhislife]

Amazing responses --thank you so much: certain I am not the only one in relationship with pwBPD who confuse money and things with love. He is BPD waif and I am codependent rescuer: match made in ? It's just hard to believe that all this time he was playing me and not loving me. And I loved him and believed him even when he was a felon getting out of prison for playing others. Obviously, I have my own issues. But the financial and legal is trumping my emotional needs right now. I really believed he loved me, and I have spent the last year moving mountains for him while he accused me of cheating and the most heinous things imaginable. Lawyer said we should sue  to garnish his wages among other things; let's see what new therapist says tomorrow.

[Loveofhislife]

New therapist has categorized his as sociopath BPD; did not know these diagnoses were not mutually exclusive. I am now terrified. Labels are labels, I suppose; however, it's harder for me to accept that his actions have been premeditated and intended only to fund his "need" as opposed to an illness or disability that causes him to make impulsive decisions. Either way the outcome is the same, I suppose. It's just harder to accept that I was "sleeping with the enemy" as opposed to helping a BPD waif. All around it seems that I never have been "helping" but instead enabling. I am proceeding cautiously as I have been warned that he will deny that any charges were fraudulent and were, instead, authorized by me. I have posted to AVVO (great tip, thank you) and will continue working with lawyer. All seem to agree my actions are all he will hear. To try to prevent legal action (and fees), I have contacted his mother and best friend: two people who have been duped as well. Their advice? Simple: STOP GIVING HIM MONEY!