Suicide Threats

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I know they will come from the exuBPD and I'm really not sure I'll know what to do with them this time around.  All the info says we shouldn't ignore the BPD's suicide ideation/attempts, but I am not in a position to do anything constructive about them either.

Last time our relationship ended I had contact information for a family member, I passed the information on and let them get on with it as a family. 

My aim is to not read any contact from him, text message being his only available option.  However, my phone automatically previews the first couple of lines of a text and I'm wondering what to do if I see anything like that?  I will skim through them on receipt of them, just to keep aware of any threats.

I no longer have any contact numbers for his family, and I do not even have his current address, just his parents.  So in theory I cannot do anything about it anyway. 

I am aware that should he feel the need to go down that road that it is not my fault and that he is in charge of his own actions/feelings.  But the human being in me does not actually wish him any physical harm and would still feel some accountability, despite knowing that is irrational. 

He wouldn't need to put much effort in to a suicide attempt, he always has available a large amount of high strength painkillers/sleeping tablets as he is regularly prescribed them.  So the 'normal' person in me wouldn't want him to take that route when he's alone, which is most of the time, and can't face his rage/shame/emptiness, which will have magnified with me breaking contact.

Any ideas?

Actually, the amount of therapy he has been through in the past due to these kind of issues makes me highly suspicious of him not having been diagnosed.  He even said all the therapy was useless, other than as a reason to have to get out.  So maybe his family will keep a closer eye on him this time around as they were aware that he was back in contact with me as they apparently noticed his change of mood and knew that he was travelling to my area so put 2+2 together.  Hopefully they will notice the deterioration in his mood and act accordingly.

[Lolster]

I know they will come from the exuBPD and I'm really not sure I'll know what to do with them this time around.  All the info says we shouldn't ignore the BPD's suicide ideation/attempts, but I am not in a position to do anything constructive about them either.

Last time our relationship ended I had contact information for a family member, I passed the information on and let them get on with it as a family. 

My aim is to not read any contact from him, text message being his only available option.  However, my phone automatically previews the first couple of lines of a text and I'm wondering what to do if I see anything like that?  I will skim through them on receipt of them, just to keep aware of any threats.

I no longer have any contact numbers for his family, and I do not even have his current address, just his parents.  So in theory I cannot do anything about it anyway. 

I am aware that should he feel the need to go down that road that it is not my fault and that he is in charge of his own actions/feelings.  But the human being in me does not actually wish him any physical harm and would still feel some accountability, despite knowing that is irrational. 

He wouldn't need to put much effort in to a suicide attempt, he always has available a large amount of high strength painkillers/sleeping tablets as he is regularly prescribed them.  So the 'normal' person in me wouldn't want him to take that route when he's alone, which is most of the time, and can't face his rage/shame/emptiness, which will have magnified with me breaking contact.

Any ideas?

Actually, the amount of therapy he has been through in the past due to these kind of issues makes me highly suspicious of him not having been diagnosed.  He even said all the therapy was useless, other than as a reason to have to get out.  So maybe his family will keep a closer eye on him this time around as they were aware that he was back in contact with me as they apparently noticed his change of mood and knew that he was travelling to my area so put 2+2 together.  Hopefully they will notice the deterioration in his mood and act accordingly.

[Ihope2]

Hello Lolster.

I was in your position not so long ago with my exBPDh.  He had moved away and I had no concrete idea where he was and how he was living.

He had indicated that he would end his life after our split.  He sent me an email in this regard, that his life was not worth living and that he was "waiting out the last of his days" and someone will contact me "when it's done" and he will send me the "last of his things".

This was a really traumatic time for me.  But since then, there has been some water under the bridge for me. I did not react to his email by the way.  What does one say to a suicidal ex with BPD, from whom one is trying to detach, without being sucked right into all the drama and manufactured chaos?  In any case, anything I said or did was triggering him into semi-psychotic states and he had some sort of delusions that I was trying to persecute him, so all I could do was keep my distance.  I prayed intensely for him and for myself in that time.  But I did not want to be involved in any decision he was making as to whether he wanted to end his life or keep living it.  He is only 37 years of age, and is in otherwise good health, apart from opioid issues, allergies, and epilepsy which I have come to question, as I think he tends to convince himself of all sorts of health issues.

I know that the code of ethics that is generally advised, is to preserve life at all costs and to try to prevent a suicide.  BUT, I would say that sometimes it is genuinely not possible to do so.  Such as was in my case:  I did not know his whereabouts and I did not have any contact details of any other family or friends he might have (he always claimed to not have any close remaining family, they had all betrayed and abused him apparently).  It sounds like your situation is similar, not knowing his exact location and not having any contact details for his family.

I received another email from him after his supposed suicide attempt. He was very descriptive about what he had done to try to end his life, he told me exactly how many of what pills he swallowed.  That it did not work and he realised that he was meant to live!  I also did not reply to this.

I also received a package from him in the post, and it was the most random of stuff.  Some dvds he had bought himself, and a one page "letter" to me that read more like a short story of what he had wanted in the relationship with me "the older woman".  And some pens.  So random.  I gave it all away and tore up the "letter", it wasn't even addressed to me as in ":)ear Ihope... ."!

I would like to share an idea I have about suicide / parasuicide attempts by people with personality disorders.  I wonder if it is not an attempt at personal "transformation" for them.  Almost like a rebirth.  Out with the old and in with the new.

Another function is of course to elicit help and concern and attention from others when they feel like they are in deep crisis.

And it is a type of a numbing / self-soothing / pain relief for them, as it represents a choice they have to exit their personal crisis and state of misery.

I think ultimately it is their choice and we should leave them to it.  Just as much as it is our choice to walk away from all their drama and chaos.

[Ihope2]

Oh and by the way, last week I received another email from him and he sounded so ok.  He has a job and is living in a town far away from mine, and he understands how hard it must have been for me to deal with him.  And that he would always be there for me if ever I should need him.

So there you have it... .the dire personal crisis of some months ago had an outcome other than checking out of this life, and he seems to have re-invented himself and his life.  And I do not mean to infuse any sarcasm into writing this, but I cannot help but wonder whether the suicide drama had a different significance to him that what it has to most non-personality disordered people! 

[Lolster]

Thanks Ihope,

That really helps.

Realistically I know there's not much I could do about it, other than dial emergency services and give them his name & contract phone number.  Then I may appear to be the crazy one, particularly if they found him and he denied all knowledge.  

He does still appear to have a half decent relationship with his parents, or at least they keep in regular contact, (his father contacted him last time he was with me), so they should be aware of any severe mood changes and hopefully be able to spot them.

[Lolster]

Oh and by the way, last week I received another email from him and he sounded so ok.  He has a job and is living in a town far away from mine, and he understands how hard it must have been for me to deal with him.  And that he would always be there for me if ever I should need him.

So there you have it... .the dire personal crisis of some months ago had an outcome other than checking out of this life, and he seems to have re-invented himself and his life.  And I do not mean to infuse any sarcasm into writing this, but I cannot help but wonder whether the suicide drama had a different significance to him that what it has to most non-personality disordered people! 

Sounds like how this one came back into my life.  "So sorry about last time, all sorted now, but thanks for saving my life, I know you probably hate me... ."  So I have to keep focused on the fact that last time he didn't do it.

[Ihope2]

Yes, rest in the knowledge that he has some sort of support in his parents, then.  The worst is when they say they are "all alone in this world" and they make you out to be the one on whom their salvation rests, isn't it?  Well, I have been a sucker for this type of thing for too long. No more. 

Yeah right, "all sorted now"!  That is also the general tone of my exBPDh's most recent email to me, which I deleted upon reading it.  It gave me a bit of a feeling of absolution having read it.  I thought "Good for you, I am glad life appears to be improving for you. I will not question it to deeply though."  In my view, a person doesn't just change so quickly, but I have and am still letting go, so it is not my task to analyse and question his life.  I can only look to myself and get on with my own healing and recovery.

Best wishes to you!