I loved who I thought she was.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is what I'm realizing lately. This is the beginning of week three since she moved out and my emotions have pretty consistently been anger and relief that she's gone. However, over the weekend I was out with friends and while we were talking about it I said "I really loved who I thought she was", then started crying. Ugh!

That's what it is. I'm SO angry that I believed all of her lies and didn't realize how mentally ill she really is. But then I really really loved her... .or I thought I did.

In the past three years I divorced a guy, met my wife and realized I'm gay, and now I'm divorcing her.

So now where does this leave me? How will I trust any relationship again? How can I NOT feel like the past two years were for nothing? Ugh.

I think I'm just feeling a tiny bit depressed this week now that some of the anger has died down.

[SpringInMyStep]

This is what I'm realizing lately. This is the beginning of week three since she moved out and my emotions have pretty consistently been anger and relief that she's gone. However, over the weekend I was out with friends and while we were talking about it I said "I really loved who I thought she was", then started crying. Ugh!

That's what it is. I'm SO angry that I believed all of her lies and didn't realize how mentally ill she really is. But then I really really loved her... .or I thought I did.

In the past three years I divorced a guy, met my wife and realized I'm gay, and now I'm divorcing her.

So now where does this leave me? How will I trust any relationship again? How can I NOT feel like the past two years were for nothing? Ugh.

I think I'm just feeling a tiny bit depressed this week now that some of the anger has died down.

[seeking balance]

In the past three years I divorced a guy, met my wife and realized I'm gay, and now I'm divorcing her.

strawberries,

Please tell me you have a T to deal with all the grief and shame issues you are dealing with... .this is all very big stuff.  Coming out, it is a challenge in its own, no matter how fantastic our family and friends may be - this takes some serious introspection.

Divorce, such guilt and shame - times 2 - oh hon, give yourself some time to process all this stuff.

So now where does this leave me?

It leaves you vulnerable and open to finding out exactly who strawberries is and learning to be ok with that person.  Give yourself some time 

How will I trust any relationship again? How can I NOT feel like the past two years were for nothing? Ugh.

This woman may have not been your forever, but she certainly opened your eyes to a part of yourself you had been denying.  As hard as this is, thank her for helping you come out so you can now live your life in a more authentic way.  You will trust again when you learn to trust yourself - and you will, it takes time.

I think I'm just feeling a tiny bit depressed this week now that some of the anger has died down.

Of course you are depressed - you are grieving so much.  Your life has taken drastic turns, heck, you likely don't even know which way is up sometimes, right?

Once the chaos settles, you really will be able to tap into your own stuff - whether is is grief & shame work that comes from being gay or the trauma of having divorces - you have some big emotional work to do.

Are you in T?

Peace,

SB

[SpringInMyStep]

Thanks 

Yes I definitely have a therapist and she's the one who helped open my eyes to how dysfunctional my relationship was.

I am definitely figuring out who I am these days. One cool thing is that I have lots of friends who are supportive of me and are now saying they were worried about me when I was with her. They're all happy that I got out of that situation.

I go back and forth feeling REALLY great, loving my independence, reveling in the fact that I can sleep in the middle of the bed, spend my time however I want.

But then it's also kinda sad because I thought I was going to be married to a really cool (or so I thought) person for the rest of my life. Ugh... .

[MommaBear]

I am definitely figuring out who I am these days. One cool thing is that I have lots of friends who are supportive of me and are now saying they were worried about me when I was with her. They're all happy that I got out of that situation.

I go back and forth feeling REALLY great, loving my independence, reveling in the fact that I can sleep in the middle of the bed, spend my time however I want.

But then it's also kinda sad because I thought I was going to be married to a really cool (or so I thought) person for the rest of my life. Ugh... .

Wow, you've been through a lot! Cut yourself some slack. A divorce, coming out, another divorce ... .I mean, I think you need to take some time and soak up all the really great things about life, and about yourself. I'm so glad to hear you have a support network of friends during these difficult times.

I wonder if maybe there isn't something you'd like to do, or get back into. Maybe something before your first marriage. Even if it's juvenile or weird. There are days I can spend over and hour building massive structures from toys with my kid, or setting up elaborate blanket forts and eating snacks. It's healing to go back to a time when you didn't have to worry so much about your identity.

Finding out about yourself is key, but sometimes I put all that on hold and just *be*.

Build a blanket fort, eat cookies and watch some cartoons. Or do whatever you want. I think sometimes part of sorting this mess out for all of us is not obsessing, and taking time to just be okay with who we are at any given moment. 

[SpringInMyStep]

Thanks Mommabear! 

That's what I'm trying to figure out... .what I like to do. It's weird because being with her just took up all of my being and there was no room for anything else.

I guess I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself to process this so quickly.

[heartandwhole]

I guess I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself to process this so quickly.

Hi ilovestrawberries,

I think your insight above is really important.  :)espite dealing with the pain of loss, giving yourself time to explore your feelings, what you like to do, etc. can be so rewarding and life-affirming.

I definitely relate to what you wrote about trusting relationships. You've been through a lot in a relatively short time span. Taking things as slowly as you are comfortable with, and opening your heart over time (observing the reactions every time you open) will help with trusting yourself and others.

heartandwhole

[seeking balance]

I guess I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself to process this so quickly.

I think a lot of us can relate to this - I know I can.

Not sure if you have heard of Brene' Brown - but her book Gifts of Imperfection really hits home on this topic.

Give yourself time and space to really let your emotions settle - it honestly will be ok and you won't feel like this forever... .but in the middle of it all, it certainly can be overwhelming.

[Mr Hollande]

Something I said on here a while ago:

I can mourn what could have been but I don't miss what it was.

I was wrong. This is a better mantra:

I can mourn what I hoped it would become but I don't miss what it actually was.

[SpringInMyStep]

I like that. 

[Plonko]

Mr Hollande you have got that absolutely and perfectly right.

[MommaBear]

Something I said on here a while ago:

I can mourn what could have been but I don't miss what it was.

I was wrong. This is a better mantra:

I can mourn what I hoped it would become but I don't miss what it actually was.

Genius!