clearer head/broken heart? literally

[honeysuckle]

I have woken up to a fast beating heart the last few mornings. So fast I thought I might be seriously having a heart problem.

I have been broke up with my ex for 3 months. The first month I was numb the second was confused and emotional. This month I was determined to work on myself.

The big question for most of us after is why I let this happen to me. I read the posts. I relate to the posts. But what was my part? I realized that the child like way he looked at me made me feel special. I liked the excitement he would show me when he would see me. Almost like a puppy. It was the best feeling I have ever experienced. I also see now that shortly afterwards he would become mean or pick a fight. Reminded me of the flowers before the beating scenario. This helped me understand that i was so desperate for the feeling he gave me I would overlook the nastiness. So I start to let go... .I say well I do miss that but I dont miss the rest ect... I feel like I am getting better. Starting the detaching for good mentally.

So now my anxiety is back. This sucks! 

[seeking balance]

But what was my part? I realized that the child like way he looked at me made me feel special. I liked the excitement he would show me when he would see me. Almost like a puppy. It was the best feeling I have ever experienced. I also see now that shortly afterwards he would become mean or pick a fight. Reminded me of the flowers before the beating scenario. This helped me understand that i was so desperate for the feeling he gave me I would overlook the nastiness. So I start to let go... .I say well I do miss that but I dont miss the rest ect... I feel like I am getting better. Starting the detaching for good mentally.

So now my anxiety is back. This sucks! 

Grief is a process - definitely not linear.  And yep, it really does suck 

The real work happens once the panic and chaos subside - for some that is several months into the breakup, but for those with kids or divorce, that may be years in... .it is once things get really calm that we can see clearly.  In clarity comes the heart break - we loved on a level and that loss is real.

Hang in there,

SB

[Spartacus]

Hi Honeysuckle,

Sorry you're going through such a tough time. I know what that's like to wake up with a racing heart and a tight chest - I felt my voice would go higher too! I found it's good to concentrate on deep breathing at those times and find some calm space. I'm into month two of NC from my uBPDw and dealing with the grief and disbelief. I can't seem to stop myself from going over lots of what seemed small and petty things at the time but caused a huge anger/silent rage in her, but now seeing these times with a new clear-headed vision. She used to tell me not to break the sanctity of the relationship by talking to anyone about it, part of the control, but it has really helped to talk freely with my parents and a trusted friend and hear from them just how weird, twisted, manipulative and essentially abusive her behaviour was towards me. Helps me to detach and de-personalise it and to realise that I'm not at fault, going mad or the villain. I do know that I have brought something to this craziness and just as you say about how you felt special and needed to the point that you'd overlook the nastiness I've felt that too and it makes me angry to think I couldn't assert my own values at the time. Love does that and we want so much to believe, naively maybe, in the good in people that we hold on longer than is healthy. Well done for having the courage to walk away.  Things to learn for the future and for me it's starting to feel good to be free to think clearly without all that fogging! Keep breathing, keep talking. Wishing you well.

Spartacus 

[sherlock3]

Hi Honesuckle,

My NC is also at 3 months and Im having good days and bad. Im still trying to piece things together even though I know all to well what was happening... .thanks to everyone at these boards. Perspective is given to me by the few people I now choose to talk to about the whole situation(my exBPDgf did not want me talking to anyone about our r/s). All I have to do is tell someone just one of the hundreds of bizzare scenarios or stories and the look I get a look is priceless. The confirmation from others is always similiar as in... " why were you with her for that long"? That makes me feel like I was the sane one but then Not so much( why did I stay in this situation). I still fear running into her or getting a phone call that will most certainly set me back in the healing process. Good luck to you and use whatever is in your mind to make yourself feel better. Eventually none of this will matter.

[Hopeless777]

After a 27 year marriage, when I tell people my story they're just aghast! Normal people just can't relate. Only those here can. Thank God for this site.