BPDex talked me out of NC, then sucker punched me. need constructive advice vs .

[cheaptrick]

    well I fell for it and got hurt even worse.  My intuition tells me to fire off a letter,  but my practical side wants me to erase her forever as fast as I can. Ex broke up with me saying she wasn't ready for a relationship ,because of her healing issues about her past marriage ,which broke up after 27 years. Begged me to remain friends and not disappear or go no contact, and said she wasn't interested in other men and wasn't ready to date. Turns out the guy she used to bike and hike with who she said was married, wasn't. They are now dating and posting thru a mutual friend on Facebook together. So I was lied too. I deleted her number and all contact with her and want advice on what to do if anything, and how to get over this treatment, as I was really good to her and she begged to remain friends. I got talked out of no contact and now just got sucker punched. I would have been healed by now much more had i gone NC. Painful and The anger is all consuming right now. Anybody have this happen to them? Best way to deal with it?



      

[maternal]

I would cut all ties and drop the dead weight.

You don't need her and she clearly has no respect for you or your feelings.  Time to just move on.  Communication with her will not get you a response that you want, if any.  Just let it go and work on you now.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry she became warm and then cold to you. Being lied to and led on hurts. I'd recommend going no contact. A pwBPD look at the world in black and white. If she's idealizing this man your split black. She's going to go radio silent. Take this time to heal. You know she has the capacity to lie, be careful if she's nice again.

[seeking balance]

I am sorry you are hurt harvej

she begged to remain friends. I got talked out of no contact and now just got sucker punched

This time around, put your needs ahead of hers.  You need to let go and grieve, right?

[Tausk]

I'm sorry for you suffering.  Yes, when I relapsed, I ended up much worse. It wasn't as though I could keep my recovery and move from there.   I ended up in the place that I would have been had I never left.

I don't know why, but it seems true for most.

Glad you're back.

So what have you learned?  Do any of the below fit?  They were my truths.

She's a liar.

She's a cheater.

Her actions and behaviors are sociopathic.

She has no empathy.

She really doesn't care for me, just needs me at times.

Her wants are the same as needs.

She can do anything and forget me.

She is pure destruction to my soul.

She's a traumatized three year old.

She is dissociative and can take no responsibility for her words actions or behaviors.

She will be eternally unhappy.

She can feel she loves me, and in a heartbeat hate me and forget me and leave me without ever evening thinking about my welfare.

She will never change, in that all she will do is just get worse and worse.

She can make up a past to fit her needs at the moment without even trying, and she will sincerely believe what she confabulates.

She is Bat Sht Crzy.

She deserves my compassion and pity, but I can not have any interaction with her.

I have to remember these things.

So I can recover and work on myself.

Be well, you're not alone, and there's a path for us to walk to find ourselves and recovery.

T

So that I don't

[cheaptrick]

Nailed them all! Unbelievable! Nailed them all!

[Infared]

Yeah... .when I met mine my list looked like the ones I wrote for Santa... .but with a pwBPD it eventually turns into the list that Tausk wrote... .so sad.

The only thing you may have to hold on to Harvej is the fact that you don't act like her or treat people like that... .I believe that is a lot. She is clueless, playing her 8-yr-old game.

I know it is very painful to be deceived in that way. Believe me, I know.

Skip the letter. Just take care of you.   She isn't worth a moment of your thought. She doesn't know what the word friend means and is incapable of that.

In my case I said: "Oh, so you want me to be friends so that you can tell me all about the life you are having with the guy that you were cheating on me with?"  

Response:   ... .Crickets... .

It hurts tons right now... .but learn to love you.

Strict NC was my best friend... .a mantra of sorts... .it's all about survival right now.

[Blimblam]

any further attention you give her is ammunition to destroy you with.  It is hard to accept and I broke NC too many times. Anything that brings her shame in the aftermath will be used against you.  Be warned stay safe.

[Huh?]

Im sorry, that sucks.  Every time a woman Ive dated has broke up with me, and told me there wasnt anyone else... .there always was.  Its almost comical.  Just tell the truth! 

With my latest uBPD waif ex fiance, Im sure she has got to be seeing a new supply right now... .no visual evidence, but my gut screams it.   So Ive already accepted it in my mind, although again, I havent seen it with my own eyes.

Anyways, Im sorry.   

[Vexed]

Yep.  They need to control you until they have a new puppet.  Anyway no point responding, nothing you say will have any effect on her, it will just give her more control.  I've spent weeks thinking of how to perfectly word a letter so it hits home, but honestly I think the strongest words to them are no words at all. 

I think you should write the letter though, if in a week you want to send it, send it.  If your feelings have changed write a new letter and wait another week.  I have written many letters that I never sent, it truly is therapeutic.  And a few days later I no longer want to send it at least not in the way it's written. 

[Blimblam]

Yep.  They need to control you until they have a new puppet.  Anyway no point responding, nothing you say will have any effect on her, it will just give her more control.  I've spent weeks thinking of how to perfectly word a letter so it hits home, but honestly I think the strongest words to them are no words at all. 

I think you should write the letter though, if in a week you want to send it, send it.  If your feelings have changed write a new letter and wait another week.  I have written many letters that I never sent, it truly is therapeutic.  And a few days later I no longer want to send it at least not in the way it's written. 

this is a really good recommendation.  Developing controll over the addiction.

[Narellan]

Finding out you were lied to and betrayed like that cuts very deep. I will never forget it. From both my exBPD and my former best friend, and still it goes on. They are both playing the hurting game. I reactivated my fb account last week while on holidays to keep a travel diary of photos and such for my boys and family to view. Both my exBPD and exbest friend suddenly bacame over active, posting photos he had taken of her etc etc. it was pain I didn't need and so I deactivated again. Both are still trying to connect with me and I've ignored everything.

Once you've been lied to by the two friends you loved most in the world it's very hard to believe in anything. The best thing harvej is being out of sight and staying under the radar.

I've had 5 months of this $hit and unfortunately I've had to become a bit of a recluse to heal from it. I now can hear their names from mutual friends and not breakdown but the sadness is still there. Maybe always will be. But I can feel progress in myself, more so on days when I hear or see nothing about them. Standing strong is difficult when you're hurting but fairy steps my friend 

[cheaptrick]

Thank you for the advice. I am more pissed than heartbroken and am doing much better, but wished I wasn't so ez on her. Will forget her... I wish there was some sort of hypnotherapy in these situations that could erase your memory, but its this pain that builds character and strength.

[Narellan]

Funny I recently posted a thread re hypnotherapy because I have too much empathy for my exBPD. Since then he has shown a bit more of his character and I have started to see him a bit clearer. No need for hypnotherapy now . But I was going to give it a go, and just have a few truths told to me. Time will help.

[Blimblam]

"First you've got to get mad, you have to get angry. I am a human being [dammit] and my life has value!"  "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!" -from the film network

Here a link to the speech

www.youtu.be/WGiX5tbLKiY

[Narellan]

BB that's my biggest problem. I'm not bad at my exBPD. I've learned so much about the disorder I empathise too much. I went from devastated to just a bit of pain now. Almost at indifference stage. My ex best friend however I'm angry with her, but just to a small degree.

Mostly hurt there as well. I guess if they keep up with the petty games and really annoy me my feelings might change, but mostly it will be directed at her. She doesn't have this disorder. She has known me for 20 years. I really dislike her now, but from a distance. Just removed them both from my life... .

[Blimblam]

Narallen,

I suggest actually trying the exercise in that link I sent.  Finding your voice again is a big step.  I feel the anger get stuck in my throat, and go back down.  The yelling "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore". Can push it past that chakra and also help you find that in yourself.  I think that tony Robbins guy just stole that idea directly from that scene I linked too.

Also watch batman begins. The movie is about going into ones fears to find anger and harness it to become batman. We need to become batman. 

I myself personally had anger issues as a child and was conditioned my entire life to repress my anger. I got into a few fights as a kid usually as a bully beater. I got into a nonviolence idea and really pushed down all my anger also a BPD ex crushed me and I havnt really reclaimed it sinse.  Durring the relationship my anger came out as a type of bargaining seeking understanding.  As I process the feeling in my chest and stomache I eventually have starting to reach layers of anger and it is confusing.  The anger is in their within you waiting to be harnessed. As I feel anger I remember repressed memories of some of the more terrible things my ex has done to hurt me.

[Blimblam]

The path to finding that anger myself came to me reading one if Turkishs posts about the fear of showing emotions around his ex. I realized I felt exactly the same way. It is within that fear you will find the anger.  Explore the idea of seeing your ex let the emotions rise and feel them.  The anger is in their I promise.

[Narellan]

Thanks BB ill give it a try. I too have learned to repress anger, a lot of that was due to my work with volatile teenagers but I my 22 year marriage to a bipolar man with anger issues also contributed. Thanks for the link and ill read through turkishs post too x

[fromheeltoheal]

Begged me to remain friends and not disappear or go no contact

Interesting how the core of the disorder always shows up somewhere; the fear of abandonment is the strongest fear a borderline has, and will drive one to begging to avoid it.  The upside for us is the best way to hurt a borderline, if you're so inclined, is to disappear without a trace, which hurts them to their core, until they capture someone else and repeat the cycle.  And then once we've gotten our revenge buzz on, we can get on with the process of shifting the focus from them to us and from the past to the future, where the life of our dreams is a real possibility, not an unobtainable fantasy.  Take care of you!

[Infared]

Even if I put BPD "over there" i.e. what I am saying is it doesn't matter if the person has BPD or not ... If "I" am healthy and someone I am in a 5-yr,  live-in committed relationship with:

1. Deceives me, i.e. cheats on me

2. Abandons me, i.e. runs off with the person she is cheating on me with (a week before Christmas) and lies about the cheating

3. Repeatedly abuses, baits me in public with this new hero, without the new hero, etc.

4. Does drive-byes and other psycho, immature behavior

5. Randomly tries to make contact for years, just whenever... .

Total NC should be a natural. From the moment I know what is going on, until eternity.

Why would I ever want to interact with this person again. It is not healthy. (no children involved in my case)

I do not have to be trying to get revenge, etc... .

I just do this because I am loving me, taking care of me, and moving forward... .no matter how painful... .that

person is certainly not a choice for me, for a lover, a friend or (as far as I am concerned) an acquaintance.

I do not have to hold a resentment about it... .I just need to not be around the drama, chaos, the abuse and sickness.

I do not need to help this person or save them. That is not my problem.

Why would I want to be in contact at all now or in the future, unless I am not healthy.  I just don't see a reason.

If the person has BPD... .there must be a 90% chance that they will not change. They just keep feeding on others.

[thereishope]

Yep.  They need to control you until they have a new puppet.  Anyway no point responding, nothing you say will have any effect on her, it will just give her more control.  I've spent weeks thinking of how to perfectly word a letter so it hits home, but honestly I think the strongest words to them are no words at all. 

I think you should write the letter though, if in a week you want to send it, send it.  If your feelings have changed write a new letter and wait another week.  I have written many letters that I never sent, it truly is therapeutic.  And a few days later I no longer want to send it at least not in the way it's written. 

this is a really good recommendation.  Developing controll over the addiction.

I like this.  Great idea.

[fromheeltoheal]

NC should be a natural. From the moment I know what is going on, until eternity.

Yes.  And there are different aspects to 'no contact' as we move forward with our detachment.  At first, for me, I had no choice; I thought I was literally going insane, trying to make rational the irrational, trying to navigate through a relationship with someone with a mental illness, although I didn't know that then, only that I was going insane.  NC was an escape bail, pure self preservation.  Then, as we learn and start to detach, NC becomes a rational, good idea, as we begin to take care of ourselves and take our lives back.  Then, as we work through the stages of grief, one of which is anger, we realize that NC could actually be hurting our ex, and that feels good from that frame.  And finally, once we've taken our lives back, developed good boundaries and are looking towards a bright future, NC isn't even a thing, we don't call it that, we call it living our lives, having removed unsupportive people from it and keeping them out, naturally, as a way of taking care of ourselves first, so we can give from a solid place.  It's a brand new world!

[Infared]

NC should be a natural. From the moment I know what is going on, until eternity.

Yes.  And there are different aspects to 'no contact' as we move forward with our detachment.  At first, for me, I had no choice; I thought I was literally going insane, trying to make rational the irrational, trying to navigate through a relationship with someone with a mental illness, although I didn't know that then, only that I was going insane.  NC was an escape bail, pure self preservation.  Then, as we learn and start to detach, NC becomes a rational, good idea, as we begin to take care of ourselves and take our lives back.  Then, as we work through the stages of grief, one of which is anger, we realize that NC could actually be hurting our ex, and that feels good from that frame.  And finally, once we've taken our lives back, developed good boundaries and are looking towards a bright future, NC isn't even a thing, we don't call it that, we call it living our lives, having removed unsupportive people from it and keeping them out, naturally, as a way of taking care of ourselves first, so we can give from a solid place.  It's a brand new world!

ahh... .you said it better than I could.  This is also difficult, such as in my case, it appears that other didn't suffer at all... .mine has been with this other person from before they left... .from my (our) P.O.V. looks like they never missed a beat... .(it is only a perception... they are not happy or healthy).  Their "apparent" happiness made the whole process more difficult for me and the grief huge... .but the total NC saves me as much as it can from that perception that I have that I suffer, they do not... .out of site, out of mind. 

You are right too, the Total NC eventually just turns into moving on.  (I still swear by it years later... .but it becomes reflex... again... this is for me... saving me... .not to get even with them... etc.).

[fromheeltoheal]

it appears that other didn't suffer at all... .mine has been with this other person from before they left... .from my (our) P.O.V. looks like they never missed a beat... .(it is only a perception... they are not happy or healthy).  Their "apparent" happiness made the whole process more difficult for me and the grief huge... .but the total NC saves me as much as it can from that perception that I have that I suffer, they do not... .out of site, out of mind. 

Good for you!  And also make sure you give yourself the gift of realizing that you know her very well, so you know what he has to deal with.  It's easy to hallucinate that she's changed and they've created an ideal relationship, especially when we're beat up by a borderline and not feeling too great about ourselves, but we know the truth, that the cycle repeats, and if she's anything like mine, he's most likely in a living hell, regardless of what the false selves portray out in the world.

Now that I've detached, gotten the hooks of a pathological attachment out of my psyche, I can look at her objectively, and although that woman is beautiful on the outside, she's very, very ugly on the inside.  Not her fault mind you, she was dealt a shtty hand from the git-go, but who she's become as a result of doing the best she can is someone I want absolutely nothing to do with, although letting her go with love has become easy.  From where you sit now Infrared, would you want to be with that woman?

You are right too, the Total NC eventually just turns into moving on.  (I still swear by it years later... .but it becomes reflex... again... this is for me... saving me... .not to get even with them... etc.).

Hallelujah!

[merm49]

My BPD ex lured me out of 5 week NC (We had a 'deal' she begged for to contact after a month... .I managed to hold strong for about a week after that) with an email declaring her undying love and pleading not to throw away something so precious, that she was getting serious help, etc.  I didn't see her email, sent back a long, blunt, yet cordial enough one of my own after she had contacted me on whatsapp, which I didn't block her on apparently.  The next few emails became increasingly spiteful, replaying the old push-pull dynamic in written form.  I agreed to meet her, but my suspicions were raised when after claiming she was working on her health and making better life choices (and commending me for being one of the few who cared about her health) she was then going on a trip to a winery and would be hungover. I knew the gig was up, still said have fun and see you Sunday. 

Met her late Sunday night after she'd called me during the day being evasive then texting that she didn't feel well (a classic occurrence... .meanwhile, I've been on low-dose chemotherapy for almost 2 months but that's besides the point).  Go and meet, Essentially repeats her email and claim she loves me, etc.  Manipulates me into coming up to her place to grab an umbrella.  Obvious a guy was there (alcohol, 2 glasses, bed askew).  I calmly ask if she had a guy up there, she says yes and that they had sex the night before and day of meeting me, but it's OK b/c we were on break and I'll always have her heart but that she has needs--the sheer disrespect and disregard was astounding, especially after declaring her undying love for me prior to and even in the moment of being caught.  I tell her off calmly and collectedly, yet am made to be the bad guy b/c I'm making her feel like a monster for her wanton and depraved behavior.  I will do my best to never speak to her again (in same academic program of 15, so it'll be tough) but am repulsed, disgusted, and still quite angry... .mostly with her but also with myself for even speaking to her when I knew the gig and had her figured out as a BPD for the past two months. 

So, yeah, I guess, try this sucker punch on for disguise. 

[Narellan]

Merm49, so sorry to hear that story. We all deserve much better.

They don't want us in their lives but can't seem to ever let go. And they will do and say whatever it takes to get a response. I've been 5 months nc with my exBPD and apart from an occasional phone call which I've ignored and a visit to my door which failed because I was out, I thought mine had given up... .Not so... .In the past week he has really upped the anti... .Telling lies about me to my friends and then yesterday posted a few nude photos of me on his website... .I had to break nc to ask for their removal or I would be taking legal action. No response from him, photos still up. So now I have to go the legal route which will potentially destroy his photography career. He has no boundaries. And I'm frustrated that I had to communicate with him , even though it was a one sentence text. He will be feeling satisfied he got a reaction from me. Unless I involve a third party to deal with this he will always use this tactic to elicit a response. Very sad and very sick that a negative response from me will still satisfy him... .