Shopaholics

[Mr Hollande]

I've read about how BPD's are often shopaholics. Just another addiction like gambling, sex, booze, drugs etc I guess.

Mine certainly is a shopaholic. She's way over her head in debt so she has no money for expensive stuff so it's cheap tat mostly and huge quantities of food. In fairness good food as in healthy but way WAY more than anyone needs or can eat before it goes off. She'd head off every day to go shopping and there was nothing stopping her. I'll admit I did like the stuff she brought back but in hindsight it was manic. Maniacal.

Any one else experienced this?

[Trent]

+1.  She had no income, but spent money like water, living off of the modest settlement she got from the divorce of her fifth ex-husband.  Mid 50s, little formal education, dim employment prospects, and fading looks.  But I'm sure she'll find herself a new savior (if she hasn't already), and wouldn't it be a happy coincidence if he was loaded?    Weed, booze, cigarettes, and shopping till you drop... .BPD heaven   

[MommaBear]

Mine grew up wealthy, so it wasn't so much shopping as it was spending. Few men are shopaholics the way women tend to be.

But he'd park anywhere, in a loading zone, a space for disabled drivers, halfway on the sidewalk, etc ... .then get a ton of tickets and never pay them.

He lived for food. He was obese/overweight during our marriage, no matter how much I begged him to take care of his health, and spent so much on food it was unreal.

I remember, one time, he bought lobster. Like, more lobster then you can possibly imagine two people would ever want or need.

He made lobster EVERYTHING. This lasted about a week. My home stunk like a wharf and I wanted to vomit every single day. This happened years ago, and only now am I even able to smell lobster without feeling sick! It used to be one of my favorite foods, but he ruined that for me as well with his excess and obsessive need.

One time, I cleaned out the fridge of all the old stinking, rotting foods and sticky bottles of sauce and whatnot. He freaked. He was a bit of a food hoarder as well, and often ate things that had gone bad or had mould on them. Made me sick to watch. Was like watching an addict pick used cigarette butts off the floor.

He was a big spender, though. Restaurants, parties, bars, wine, expensive food, golf, scuba diving, ski trips, casinos, massages, all things for himself, all "experiences". All at the expense of paying the bills, or his many, MANY tickets, or anything else.

Creditors were on his case until I took over the finances. Then he complained that I never let him have fun, and spent all his hard earned money on myself!

Yes, because spending the day negotiating a repayment plan for $3000 in fines and tickets is my idea of a really amazing experience! I'd MUCH rather be doing that than say, going on vacation!

6 months after I left, the creditors were back and he was in serious hot water. He still is.

This d/o doesn't just ruin our hearts and our self esteem, it ruins out credit rating as well!

[Mr Hollande]

booze

The amount of booze she'd buy when she was here. Like a child in a toyshop. She claimed it was for selling when she got back home and I believed her. Now I'm not so sure. A good friend who grew up with an alcoholic father once mentioned his concern over how she could knock them back. She may have sold a few bottles of cheap whiskey and downed the rest herself.

This d/o doesn't just ruin our hearts and our self esteem, it ruins out credit rating as well!

She claimed her debts were due to her ex having forced her to take over his bankruptcy. True? False? Who knows. What I do know is that I had a narrow escape as I was about to quit my job and sell my house to move closer to her. The profit from my house was to be invested to give me (and I'm assuming us) an income. That died a death the day she glibly announced how she'd now gone back to my long standing replacement/back up because she loved him and I didn't matter anymore.

Not so good for my feelings but considerably better for my finances. Phew!

[Mr Hollande]

Oh and the previous one. My BPD 1. She was severe. Pedigree dogs with vets bills to match. And she was a student. She had a part time job so all incomes combined money shouldn't have been an issue. But she was always skint. Pay day she'd be out spending like there was no tomorrow. She had a big closet filled to the brim with dresses. Her motto was "You can wear the same item no more than 3 times!". I'm pretty good with money but I was always in the red for propping her up. She'd take my old banger of a car to work or uni and there was never any fuel left in it.

The day she checked out of my life I was between uni and finding a job and had no income at all. Still there was some money in my account. Speaks volumes, doesn't it?

Last I saw of her was on FB and she boasted a big house by a lake somewhere. The place is absolutely stunning. Unless her new hubby (hubby #2 as far as I know) is either rich, working his ass off or juggling credit cards. I'm guessing credit cards. Poor guy.

[seeking balance]

Tying this thread to the traits of the disorder now:

1.  addictive behavior numbs emotional pain

2.  Things = a stable sense of self

3.  Entitlement patterns

I experienced these things as well, what helped me the most was realizing this was who I married... .why on earth did I marry someone who showed these patterns is the million dollar question?

Sometimes we can focus so much on the crazy that it takes away from the fact - well, we went there.

I found that if I would apply the questionable behavior to the traits of the disorder, the disorder itself made sense.  Not the behavior, but certainly the disorder is pretty text book.

Peace,

SB