Guys I need some reassurance and advice from the group

[node4]

I am almost 9 months out with NC. Why am I processing every wrong she has done, every messed up thing that she has done and said, followed by good memories, and the overwhelming urge to contact her, but knowing that there is nothing to say? This is pure torture this conundrum... .is this part of the process? I never signed up for this... .the reach around... .please advise... .oh and the anger is growing so much more now than it ever has... .

[Blimblam]

I can relate to your experience and it validates my own experience.  The anger is the depression turning outward.  Use this anger to break the bonds to those deep hooks of shame that was internalized. Becarefull not to cling to it. For me I had repressed so much anger and I froze in terror at some of the behaviors of my ex.  Those experiences were extremely traumatic  and it is anger that I can feel releasing those emotions. Turn the anger towards the inner critic and reclaim those parts of yourself.  This is about processing the trauma you internalized from abuse.  Becarefull not to project it onto people in. Your life or your ex as thir will only serve to reinforce attachment.

[MommaBear]

Hi node4, sorry you're going through this. It's never fun.

Blimblam is right. We go through stages, and anger is sometimes overwhelming, especially if you kept it in for so long. Sometimes we are angry at them, at ourselves, at everything. I think what you want is closure. Some kind of acknowledgement that she hurt you, and that she takes some kind of ownership in that.

You won't get it. Not from her.

I've come to realize that it has to come from you. And part of that is detaching, of re-training ourselves to stop putting them first and trying to look at the past from their eyes, and to try and give life and meaning and respect to OUR point of view, WITHOUT their input.

Essentially, we need to reach a point where their opinion doesn't matter, never will, and we're indifferent to it.

Easier said than done, no doubt!

This anger, whether or not you realize that, is progress. Because you're no longer looking at things from her perspective (or, walking on eggshells, as that famous book title suggests!), and asserting what is rightfully yours.

We're here for you. Hang in there. It does get easier! 

[rock_and_a_hard_place]

Wow, first, congrats on 9 months NC - I am hoping eventually to get up to that. Second, is there anything that changed in your life recently? Big move, a death, something else huge? Maybe ask is stress affecting your social life (where you might get the healthy support you need from friends), and making you lonely. Or did you just see something "sweet" on social media and made you remember the sunshine that she was - I ask because both have happened to me. One strategy that works for me (in terms of not wanting her back) is called "the list" - make a list of every time you have felt something really painful from that person. Read and remember each item - try to vividly remember. Repeat - if what you want is no contact or eventually in my case, no contact. It's definitely helping me detach from the sunshine view I had of her (when it creeps in). Now make another list, make a quick list of a friend, family member, or another person that is not the exBPD - of all the good things that person has done for you. Go grab a pint or a coffee with them ASAP, and remind yourself what friendship feels like. Do that for another person, and do another activity with them. Repeat. I don't know if this will be helpful, but in the short term - other people (friends) are key to recovery. They help remind you of yourself before the craziness.

Hang in there, you are so courageous. I can only hope I get there too.

[node4]

I think the trigger is me taking new vitamins, and music. I have been very depressed and these vitamins have gotten me out of depression in the past, but I soon as I started feeling better I starting getting flooded with all of these emotions and memories.

I have learned more about my abuse as a child, and being codependent, and an INFJ. I have learned so much about myself, but I am still in lots of pain, and I wish it would stop. I miss the perfect days that we had, but then I remember everything else... .then the wrongs... .the mortal wounds that she inflicted on me for no other reason, than that should could... .It really makes me very angry... .

[Emelie Emelie]

Of course you're angry.  You should be angry and it's okay.  Let yourself be angry.  It's a process.