Why do I care?

[rg1976]

She treats me like I mean nothing to her. She ignores me. I am not receiving her attention and affection. She bought two vibrators and doesn't use me for sex anymore. Am I a masochist? I MUST be because no matter what she does, I still want her.


2 years ago:

I loved her even after she drove her car through my garage door. I loved her even after she broke into my house and cornered me with a knife. I watched myself bleed, but I knew she didn't mean to hurt me. I lifted the restraining order so I could go spend time with her.

1 year ago:

We aborted a baby together, so touching.

Today:

She is done.

Tomorrow:

Hope she calls!

Tragedy:

My 3 kids, her 2 kids, my poor ex-wife who is trying to reconcile with me.

[patientandclear]

rg1976 ... .

There must be a voice in your internal dialogue that is objecting to you hanging around waiting for her to be different from how she has shown herself to be.  Or else you wouldn't have titled the post the way you did, and wouldn't have shared the details you shared.

I get that you feel a powerful draw toward this woman -- you must, to have stayed through all that.  But can you let the part of you that is uncomfortable staying speak up?  Actually start a dialogue between the part that led you to post here today, and the part that insists that you need to remain connected to this woman?  See what they both have to say?

And then you, the unified you, can reflect on what you learned from that dialogue.

I have found such "parts" dialogues to be extremely helpful when I am uncomfortable with a position that I am nonetheless taking.  Both parts have a point of view worth hearing.  Sometimes separating them out lets you see which one is more compelling, in a way you can't when it's all just jumbled together.

[rg1976]

I very much appreciate your thoughtful response.

My post was an attempt at writing therapy. I figured using that at as outlet instead of trying to contact her would somehow help to break my addiction cycle.

My T tells me I talk exactly like someone who has an addiction. I suppose that's because I do.

The last 3 years have been extremely traumatic. I really like how things are when things are calm, but those times are long gone. It seems I'm a trigger for her anxiety and being separated from her is a trigger for me. It keeps getting pushed again and again.

She says she's afraid that if we don't stop one or both of us will end up dead or in jail. I will the same because the push pull from her is making me crazy.

I know the time to end this has long since past. I'm trying to detach but going NC has been a massive failed project over the last 2 years.

At least I have friends and a short network to help me.

I know all of the correct answers, but knowing doesn't change my behavior.

I still feel anxious and abandoned by someone I stupidly sacrificed so much for. I keep going into denial and bargaining that things will be different this time if I try harder.

I want the impossible, for her to be stable enough to tolerate and even enjoy my company. However, it is too hard for her.

She is diagnosed major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and PTSD, and she matches almost exactly with the behaviors I read so much about here regarding BPD.

I've tried to figure out what's wrong with me, apparently it's "adjustment disorder", but I feel like I'm going crazy and wonder if this is all my fault. I want reality to be different than it is and the situation: us not being able to have a functional and healthy relationship, her not responding well to anything I've done to show her love. It all makes me feel worthless. Especially now that she's asked me to stay away and doesn't answer my calls or texts... .

I feel a strong desire to connect with and rescue her, but she doesn't even believe I care about her.

So, here I am: 2 hours, no contact... .2 years, no respect or love from her... .