Hi Yogi. It is all exhausting isn't it? I think it is great that you were able to act to protect yourself and you marriage and yet make sure she is safe too. That in itself is a huge undertaking.
I think one of the hardest things for me when I cut ties, moved away and started taking care of myself is the worry about what my mom was saying to others. I hated it because I knew she was talking bad about me to everyone she could, and not just my brother and father. The interesting thing was that two of the people she talked about me with made it clear that they knew I was not the problem. One was my SIL who said to my brother that our mom treated us very differently (he was trying to talk me into spending more time with her). The way my SIL said it and the look she gave me when she said it told me that my mom had not fooled her a bit.
The other person was my parents neighbor. At my mom's wake, he told me, laughing (that's just the kind of guy he is) that my mother was pissed at me when I moved away and I should have heard some of what she was saying. I just laughed, rolled my eyes and said 'that's my little fruit loop".
I had worried about what she was doing behind the scenes for so long that when these two people said what they did, it was a relief and it helped reinforce what I had been telling myself: people who truly know me would not believe her and those who do not know me will see her for what she is sooner or later. Both those things have proven themselves true in about 95% of the cases. There are a couple people who think I was mean to move away and to limit contact the way I did, and for whatever reason thought it was okay to try to interfere, but I politely told them off.
What it boils down to Yogi, is that we can't control what they say or do. I am not sure what you fear she is doing in the silence between the two of you, but if you are worried that she will talk about you, accept that she probably is. Accept that she is probably running a smear campaign. Since it is something we know will happen regardless of what we do or how wrong they are about us, let them have at it. We can't change it. It sucks. It hurts. But it is going to happen. Worrying about it won't change a thing. So the next time you feel anxious, acknowledge the anxiety (or fear or anger or whatever), feel it, and then say to yourself, whatever she does or says is about her and has nothing at all to do with me. It gets easier... .and the more you say it, the truer it becomes.
And if I am totally off about your concerns... .errrm... .welll... .oops!
In the meantime, hang in. It will get better.
