Feel like a stranger

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So, having established firm boundaries within my family (no longer staying in the family home when I go to visit, no longer readjusting my schedule in order to always accommodate my parents who no longer really have time to plan to see me, etc), I feel like a bit of a stranger in my family.  My parents (mother with BPD traits) cater to my siblings needs since they have a family, and my siblings seem to manipulate my parents in order to get 100% of their attention.  I am not willing to use coercion or drama in order to get my parents to spend time with me so as a result I've fallen to the wayside.  Obviously, I'm feeling hurt.  It is after all my only family and I really would not for my siblings to become the go-between with my parents and I... .Any advice on how to deal with this?

[caughtnreleased]

So, having established firm boundaries within my family (no longer staying in the family home when I go to visit, no longer readjusting my schedule in order to always accommodate my parents who no longer really have time to plan to see me, etc), I feel like a bit of a stranger in my family.  My parents (mother with BPD traits) cater to my siblings needs since they have a family, and my siblings seem to manipulate my parents in order to get 100% of their attention.  I am not willing to use coercion or drama in order to get my parents to spend time with me so as a result I've fallen to the wayside.  Obviously, I'm feeling hurt.  It is after all my only family and I really would not for my siblings to become the go-between with my parents and I... .Any advice on how to deal with this?

[Ziggiddy]

Hi caughtnreleased

First congratulations on setting boundaries. It is an important step in improving r/ships. Also for sticking to it even though it is causing you discomfort.

My take is that you are going to be marginalised for not dancing to the tune the way you used to do. This may take some time for your family to get used to and there will no doubt be triangulation and push-pull in order to pull you back into line  - your mother will likely want you back in the old routine.

it is worth keeping in mind that setting boundaries is about managing YOUR behaviour, not other people's. Theirs may not change. Hopefully you will derive satisfaction from the things you gain from your decision - autonomy, independence and getting to live with your own deisions.

Of course nobody wants to feel left out of their family and if the family of origin is the main group that you relate to it will feel even worse.

But don't give up hope! You never know if your siblings will come to the party so to speak and in the mean time you may get to focus on other goals/dreams you have while you give it some time to settle.

i have been getting 'punishment' from uBPDm for setting and sticking to boundaries and for not agreeing with her in some of her cruel and unnecessary actions. now our phone conversations are very brief business like and to the point. We see each othe rmuch much less and i don't cop the guilt trip for not staying o/night when I visit (For me, this means avoiding lengthy boring conversation laced with incredibly mundane detail that goes nowhere and ends up just being some kind of device for telling me how good she is.) you may need to be realistic about what can be accomplished with your mother.

I am sorry you are feeling hurt though. I know it must be unpleasant for you.

Have you thought about what it is exactly that you want from your r/ships within the family? And have you considered communicating your needs as best you can to them?

I hope by identifying and moving towards your goals you can find some peace

Ziggiddy

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks Ziggiddy. Yes there has definitely been that push and pull.  There definitely is lots of triangulating, including "playing" favourites, and my father has also played into it by trying very hard to bring me back in, and as I refused he is now giving me a bit of a cold shoulder... .

You are right though that I have gotten more satisfaction in gaining greater autonomy and independence for myself.  I have discovered that I do not need them in order to accomplish things (in fact I experienced quite a bit of difficulties last year only to come to the realization that none of them even lifted a finger to help me), which is somewhat liberating. But I also feel the insecurity of not having that support system which a family generally provides, and to which I can fall back in the event that I fail as I take risks and build a life for myself. I find that lack of a supportive family rather difficult and perhaps preventing me from taking certain risks that I otherwise might be willing to take, especially with relationships. 

As for the sibling joining the party, you may not be too far off.  I would say she has definitely stuck her head in and peered around.  She hasn't yet walked through the door, but she's definitely hanging around and maybe starting to tap her toes ever so slightly... . I guess it's a bit of a wait and see at this point.