Regretting revenge

[Rescuseme]

I won’t go into too much background detail as I could write pages, but I just wanted to find out whether other people had acted out on revenge or not?  I have to say I did and I live to regret it.  I had no real excuse because I did understand what BPD was because i had researched about it after we had split up.  She is undiagnosed as having BPD but with everything we went through I know she is a waif borderline.  To go from thinking I have met the love of my life to pure and utter hate is something I have never experienced before and probably won’t again I hope!  I made the deadly sin of staying in contact with her after she had split up with me, only for her to burn me every time we got back in contact.  It was her who wanted to remain friends! I made the mistake of asking whether I had meant anything to her.  She told me a few days later to not talk about this again as she was now seeing someone else and we were a mistake and she was venerable whatever that means! Anyway my last e-mail is below and I fully intended to wound her so she could have some of the pain back I felt she had given me and to make sure she never ever comes back into my life again.  I do feel guilt and torment for what I did as I don't really want her to suffer more in the future as BPD is enough in its self.  By the way I live in the UK. 


‘I have never written a letter like this but then I never been out with a person like you!

Well, I am going to waste a bit more time and say all I despise about you.  You lie all the time.  Where you are what you are doing. Yes you know you do it.  You lack any sort of decent moral character.  You try to put people down but saying hurtful comments.  Yes you do which is bullying.  You say that you were venerable.  Venerable to what my love, help and attention.  What a laugh.  I should have left you to your abusive husband instead wasting my time helping you escape him.  What a mug I was.  Now look you have the house to yourself so you can f***t and f**k whoever you want, lucky you. He was right about you. You are total poison!  To say that you were venerable .  It's me who was venerable because I didn't know I was going to get totally used by you.  Whoever this new fling is he is totally welcome to you.  So you will get your claws into him so he falls madly in love with you and offer him the world and deliver f**k all.  It will end up the same way so i'm not bothered one bit.  You will do your dance of pull and push away.  Or you will find another abusive man to hang onto!

I must admit that we had some good times otherwise I wouldn't have fallen in love.  Our holidays were great and sex was ok.  Remember how you hated sex before I came along.  O mug me for being gentle, but then you like bad boys don't you.  Now all those memories are turned 180 degrees.

I do think you are a great mum.  I love your kids but I don't love you.  The rubbish you said about that time I deliberately hurt your kids when I left your belongs out the front. I admit my head was totally messed up by the hurtful s**t you had said about me, but not in a million years would I hurt your kids. Just shows you never really knew me.  O also don't worry I have told my daughter everything so she knows what you are like.  She doesn't think you are a kind person.

Go and live in Canada please so that you are far away from here. I don't want to bump into you around here.  It will be strange though living near to your uncle!  Still that's the only part I have empathy for now is the child M*** who got abused.  He was a ass but two wrongs don't make a right!

Now if I was really mean I would tell your husband you are moving to Canada and tell your parents or brother that your uncle abused you and your sister.  But I won't because unlike you I have moral character.  But please do leave soon!

Thanks for screwing up six months of my life.  The only mistake as you put it was ever going out with you! I now have real trust issues with woman, which I am working through with a counselor. 

Good bye.  I wish I could say have a good future but I can't.  I do wish your children do though. 

[Aussie JJ]

What kind of a person do you want to be?

For me, I have about 100 letters.  I have sent one of them.  It was a bit more understanding than that, and i twas an appology for me not understanding and her not benig able to express herself properly. 

Even then I regret that.  No good can come from the dysfunctional dance. 

[willy45]

Hey dude. That may not have been the most tactful letter but if it helps you burn the bridge, then OK. Its not like all of us on here haven't THOUGHT the words you wrote. And I certainly have written the exact same letter but never sent it. Was on the verge of pressing send but never did. Part of me wishes I had. Maybe she wouldn't keep f'ing calling me.

Best thing to do is write these letters on paper and then set them on fire. There is more satisfaction in no contact. If you want revenge, think how painful it is to not ever engage with her again. And, it has the added benefit of actually being good for you, and her in the long run.

[Turkish]

That is a heartfelt and honest message, Rescuseme. It seems like you have some regret about sending it, but it's done. It's what you needed to send. She may or may not answer. The question is where do you want to go from here?

[Aussie JJ]

With letter burning, it is something done with victims of sexual assault, letter is written to their tormentor with T/P.  It is burnt and they move on. 

Confronting them gets you short term satisfaction, long term moving on sets you free. 

As Turkish said, where do you want to go from here ?

[Ventus2ct]

I signed my ex up to as many spam sites as I could, insurance sales etc etc. Very childish at the time but was just after she dumped me, it felt right at the time, I was hurting but I think nothing of it now. It's in the past and history. I wish I had just held my head high and walked away, well I did but for this one thing.

I have not written any letters to burn but think it maybe a great thing to try, I do like to write and I think it'd be great to put it all on paper or on a screen. Thank God I don't have her email address any more so no danger of sending it!

It simply isn't worth trying for any revenge, they will have moved on and it'll only reinforce to anyone that they communicate with that you are in fact completely "nuts" just as they have previously described you as to all their friends/family/relatives!

[Lolster]

I did give in and write a list of what i considered my exBPD's issues., including that he has all the hallmarks of BPD.  I didn't feel great about it afterwards, but it was a response to one of his written rages of what he didn't like about me, after we'd had a nice day out and i'd given up my bed for him and his daughter. But i've been there before and should have known better than to waste my time as he just responded with more projection. I just ignored the next rant. It doesn't matter what you say, they never take it on board anyway.

[Numbers]

I do feel guilt and torment for what I did as I don't really want her to suffer more in the future as BPD is enough in its self.

Hello Rescueme,

honestly, your letter does not sound like revenge to me. Maybe it is just a case of semantics, but revenge for me is an actual act of harming someone. All you did is write down your thoughts and feelings. Sure, it is a bit harsh, but I trust that is where you are right now. I'd say it is ok, as long as you stick to your guns and keep detaching. No reason to beat yourself up.

There is a catch, though, that you need to keep in mind. You were probably programmed not to stand your ground. Now that bridge has been crossed and there is no going back. If you do, revenge will come your way, and it will be brutal.

[.cup.car]

Revenge will prevent future white knights from coming after you.

But it wont make you feel any better.

As I've stated in previous posts, I ruined my ex's reputation by posting everything online and attaching her real name + usernames to it (will pm links if curiosity gets the best of you).

It didn't suddenly cause a lightbulb to turn on in her head; she didn't magically change her ways when she was publicly ridiculed for her outrageous behavior. It just gave more fuel for her irrational hate towards me. She replaced the people who no longer put up with her antics with those who would.

It caused her family a bit of grief, but they couldn't ignore what was being presented.

Revenge will not make them see the light. Do it if you need to cover yourself.

[Rescuseme]

Thank you for your comments. Where do I want to go from here?

Well, a lot has happened for me since we split. The positives are that I have started counselling to deal with my co-dependent behaviour and low self-esteem.  This is all to do with how I was treated as a child. To Numbers message you are right I was programmed to never stand up for myself.  However if pushed too far I will do but it's an explosion.  Anyway, I am getting out more now and realise I need to take more risks in my life to grow.  Also I want to own the main positive characteristics I saw in my ex such as confidence; fun; passion and being spontaneous.  I definitely want these.

The negative side is I still struggle to get over her.  I went out with another lady for a couple of weeks but she did nothing for me! It's strange that when I get down about anything all I end up doing is still thinking about her.  Burning the bridges was really important for me to do to be able to move on.  I would never accept her back, or anyone for that matter, once she was with someone else no matter how charming and seducing she is. 

[Turkish]

Thank you for your comments. Where do I want to go from here?

Well, a lot has happened for me since we split. The positives are that I have started counselling to deal with my co-dependent behaviour and low self-esteem.  This is all to do with how I was treated as a child. To Numbers message you are right I was programmed to never stand up for myself.

An abused child tends to retreat into his or herself in order to survive. If a child isn't allowed to feel safe feeling, then unhealthy coping mechanisms can develop: from "Rescuing" traits, to full blown BPD or other PD behaviors. Have you thought about exploring your past on the Coping and Healing Board? I found a lot of good stuff reading Understanding The Borderline Mother concerning how children react to various forms of abuse and invalidation. My mom admitted to me last month, over 20 years since her T told her this, that she was probably BPD. Mind. Blown. I wish she had told me 20 years ago, but I understand the shame of not wanting to do so. She knows what I do here, with regard to our talks about her former DIL. Our conversations can get a little awkward now when she gets waifish 

However if pushed too far I will do but it's an explosion.  Anyway, I am getting out more now and realise I need to take more risks in my life to grow.  Also I want to own the main positive characteristics I saw in my ex such as confidence; fun; passion and being spontaneous.  I definitely want these.

It's certainly great to grow and be open to new experiences; even more so if you feel you were in a shell a bit due to an invalidating childhood (I'm like that). Can you find any great qualities within yourself, however, that you can feel safe expressing?

[HostNoMore]

I can't tell exactly you where to go as that is something you will realize for yourself once you get there.  In general, I would say follow your muse as it teaches you to focus on yourself.

As for myself, I'm three years out and in a much better place.  I have terminated my inner White Knight.  I have learned to set boundaries and still be nice to people.  I have learned more about myself than I thought possible when I began this process.  I am healthier and have many new friends.  I've learned to trust my intuition and run away from dysfunctional people.  I am stronger.

Yes, it was a very painful process, but each day of perseverance will bring positive results to all of you just starting this journey.

Now, to address your topic of revenge a most common and natural emotion stemming from what was done to you.  BPDs have mastered the skills needed to manipulate those who are vulnerable. I use some of the same tactics, consciously, whenever I am selling, but I have empathy and try to truly look after the best interests of my clients.  Anything you say or do will be used by your exBPD to either manipulate a White Knight or put a restraining order on you.  Revenge will either hurt you directly or fortify your BPDex's position neither of which will benefit you.  A classic quote from Sun Tzu's Art of War is in order here.  "Never fight a battle you cannot win." It's better to retreat and fight a battle for yourself.   We are capable of changing.  They almost never change as it takes skills they do not generally possess.

My BPDx has divorced my replacement, and has lined up a new one to replace him.  We've all heard this one before.  She will never change, and she will run this poor guy through a living hell as she did every man before me as she did to me.  

The messed up part for me now is that her new situation has her back on my side of town vastly increasing my odds of a physical encounter.  I don't really care though as she means nothing to me.  I have neither love nor hate for her.  I am neutral.  Time and opening yourself up deeply for self-examination will get you there too.  My replacement's replacement will have to learn this too.

As hard as it is emotionally, put as much practical distance between the two of you quickly as possible.  Let your replacement take the punishment.

[Rescuseme]

I don't believe my Mum has BPD but I do believe she is autistic, which actually does have quite a few similar traits to BPD.  Such as never believing that they are in the wrong; everyone else must follow their beliefs; controlling and really making a point when feeling angry; feeling like the victim; black and white thinking.  Crumbs maybe she has got it but no me and my brothers suspect its autism. 

Now funny I thought my strongest character was being nice, friendly and supportive kind of guy. But now I only see this as being a weaknesses that woman and generally society can prey upon.  And yes I do have the white knight syndrome which I am determined that  it will be sleighed by the dragon! No more of that ___, have to take people as they are.  I have read so much and done so much research. I have found the book 'No more Mr nice guy' and website really informative on how to be a healthy male.  I wish there was some support groups here in the UK.  I found www.reignitethefire.net to be helpful to understand the importance of setting healthy boundaries which I failed to do.  I think the guy talks a lot of sense, though i'm not looking for another BPD relationship.

I think as you say HostNoMore learning to trust ones intuition is really important as mine was screaming at me that things were not right with my ex but my heart was dominate. 

Thank you Turkish for suggesting going on the Coping and Healing Board I will do that.  Yes my childhood meant suppressing my emotions as a means of survival.  Learning to express my emotions, especially negative ones, and learning to be authentic is really important for me.  That's amazing that your Mum was told 20 years ago she probably has BPD from her therapist.  Perhaps our Mums weren't so dissimilar in behaviour!

Have you found any other websites or books that have helped you on your journey?

[Huh?]

I wouldnt feel bad.  We all coulda wrote almost that same letter... .I coulda wrote that letter.  Ive been fighting and fighting it for months now with my uBPD waif ex fiance.  She is long gone and giving me the silent treatment currently.

Actually, yesterday on the way to work I lost it and finally sent a nasty text message.  I reminded her about how she insisted over and over again she could never remarry if something was to happen to me and how funny it is that I am dead to her now.  Pretty much told her she was a bad person, that she was the same as her narcissist cheating mother who she so adamantly didnt want to ever be like.  

I felt good after sending it but after work I kinda regretted it because I know she would show that message to her friends, saying I was abusive.  Fortunately for me, I looked down at my phone as I reread it, I realized that I sent it to the wrong number.  

So yeah.  I get it.  It hurts.  You want them to feel pain.  I know I do.  I know she is in pain tho.  Shes a scared little woman who is paranoid of every one and everybody around her.  She's just a good actor.  She will more than likely jump into another relationship, making her new rescuer miserable and making herself miserable in the process.  Our revenge is that we arent disordered.  That we know how to love, to feel it and to share it.  They are shallow, completely empty inside.  They unleash our revenge onto themselves.

[Rescuseme]

In response to Huh?

Now that's funny that you sent it to the wrong number.  Still sometime you probably want to send it to the correct number LOL.  We go around cycles in our feelings don't we. Yes we know deep down they will just f**k up the next relationship.  I often wonder what stage of development they are in.  O well good luck to him.  She's a smiling,  seductive, caring person when she wants to be, but no empathy when things not going her way. But yes all said and done no need for revenge.