uBPDw thinks I should be checked for dementia...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My uBPDw thinks I should be checked for dementia because I can never remember what "she has explained to me". She shouts that I "just do not think" and "is there anyone in there?"

I admit, I cannot wrap my mind around her "obvious logic" and "common sense" and forget about all the shifting positions in her thinking  but I'm supposed to remember everything she has said during years of raging.

Should I somehow try to use this as a way to get her in front of someone that could help her? Do therapists offer testing for dementia that my wife could attend with me? I know I do not have dementia even though I feel like I'm losing it every time she dysregulates.

[verytired]

My uBPDw thinks I should be checked for dementia because I can never remember what "she has explained to me". She shouts that I "just do not think" and "is there anyone in there?"

I admit, I cannot wrap my mind around her "obvious logic" and "common sense" and forget about all the shifting positions in her thinking  but I'm supposed to remember everything she has said during years of raging.

Should I somehow try to use this as a way to get her in front of someone that could help her? Do therapists offer testing for dementia that my wife could attend with me? I know I do not have dementia even though I feel like I'm losing it every time she dysregulates.

[refusetosuccumb]

I'm sorry

My ex wanted me to get seen for Bipolar (which I do not have) because he felt my emotions were too up or too down (it all depended on his mood, honestly).  I did that to appease him and when I told him I didn't have it he called my dr a quack.

Sorry.  

[verytired]

refusetosuccumb,

I can really relate to that! Almost every doctor (even dentists) or counselors that my wife and I have been to are quacks. Gee, what are the odds. We must just have very bad luck.

[bpbreakout]

I have a lot of difficulty remembering what BPDw says to me. When she is disregulating I often if I ask her to repeat something or clarify something but she refuses, a lot of things she says are contradictory so rembering what she has said is a no win situation, also I (like most people) tend to forget things people have said to me when they are shouting at me. If BPDw is unable to communicate properly then I usually walk away from the situation. I can't see any value in getting checked for dementia, I would have though you have better things to do with your time.

Good luck

[verytired]

bpbreakout,

Yes, too much of my time is spent dealing with "urgent" issues that come up almost daily.

I am so exhausted from this that it's getting harder to think straight when talking with my uBPDw. I don't even make sense to myself some times when I'm trying to offer my own opinions or feelings or reasons for not doing things "correctly" all the time. To her probably I look like my mind is going (or gone). I'm sure I have a "deer in the headlights" look on my face quite often.

My biggest mistake may be trying to help her see my side of things. Example: Tonight she was upset because I had not gotten in to have my eyes checked for some time now. I told her that I have not even had time to take my dress shirts to the cleaners either, just to illustrate how busy I've been. She did not get my point and told me "that has nothing to do with what we are talking about, I just can't talk to you anymore, this is crazy". Then she walked off and locked herself in the bedroom.

I feel crappy enough as it is that I can't get everything done that should get done, including doing the work that my business requires to be profitable.

Thanks for being there.

[xxxx]

just a suggestion... .avoid her suggestion... .  unless YOU think there is a problem.  Just the fact that you go for testing can be held against you.

[MammaMia]

Count me in.  My BPDs thinks I have dementia and/or a serious mental illness... .gee imagine that. 

I have trouble remembering what he has told me because he changes his mind so often, it is difficult to know exactly what his final decision is, and if I ask him to repeat something, he refuses.  Says I am wasting his time.  He speaks very softly, and if I cannot hear him because of ambient noise, he gets furious.  Says I am deaf or retarded.  Or he will say "No, I told you once, and I am not telling you again".  "See, you NEVER listen to me... .you have not listened to me in 40 years and that is why I am  screwed up".

Last night he called me and parroted everything I said to him.  No conversation, just repeated every word verbatum.  When I told him to stop, he said that I was "obviously too busy to talk to him" and hung up on me. If I ask how he is he will reply "I do not know, how am I?".  Answers questions with a question... .and never volunteers information.  Communicating with him can be frustrating to say the least.

PwBPD definitely play mind games with us, trying to make us look and feel stupid.  I am so sick of childish behavior from a grown man.

[verytired]

MammaMia,

Thanks for your input.

Yes, my uBPDw says all of her problems are because I have ignored her for 27 years. She starts almost every day with new problems and a new set of rules that will solve those problems. It's like needing to memorize the US Tax Code. That would be funny if it was not so much the truth.

I'm close to the end of my rope. I know I should be making plans to get off the merry-go-round and leave but the financial ruin that could follow scares me senseless. I've allowed myself to get into a deeper mess by staying in this as long as I have. It's worn me down and I'm having a hard time enduring it these days.

Thanks also to the Newbie that suggested I do not go in to be checked for dementia. That thought had crossed my mind and good to hear someone else agrees.

[Keep]

Very,

I understand your position completely.  My uBPDw is EXACTLY the same.

Her screaming/criticizing/accusations leave me confused and reeling.  I have a special ringtone on my phone for her and she just called yelling at me for not telling her I went to Target last night.  WTH?  I stopped by on the way home to check prices on toliet paper.  Everytime I hear that ringtone my stomach turns over. 

My memory has also been destroyed as her constant criticism (telling me I am stupid, worthless) has completely wiped away my self-esteem.  I am not sure I do anything right anymore.  It is always wrong and she will go out of her way to find something wrong with it and remind me (continually).  Like your wife she says everything is my fault and that I have dementia (or something) too. 

This is not the way life (married life especially) is supposed to be.  I cannot offer much to you other than support.  You are not alone, my brother.

[Mutt]

My uBPDw thinks I should be checked for dementia because I can never remember what "she has explained to me". She shouts that I "just do not think" and "is there anyone in there?"

I admit, I cannot wrap my mind around her "obvious logic" and "common sense" and forget about all the shifting positions in her thinking  but I'm supposed to remember everything she has said during years of raging.

Should I somehow try to use this as a way to get her in front of someone that could help her? Do therapists offer testing for dementia that my wife could attend with me? I know I do not have dementia even though I feel like I'm losing it every time she dysregulates.

Your uBPDw is projecting her dissociations. If reality doesn't match with her out of place feelings, she alters reality. It's confusing following the logic because she changes it to feel better. Someone that changes reality often is a sign of mental illness.

Trust your intuition. I can't recall many if any of her dissociations in our r/s. I think it's because of the trauma. She often changed the context of what she said and told me I'm the problem because I don't understand. That was often followed with emotional blackmail - FOG.

Her saying you have dementia really is her "projecting" her dissociations. You feel like you are losing it because she is throwing up FOG. Trust your intuition. Don't be talked into her projection.

Hang in there.

[Henry II]

Keep and tired, are u married to my wife? These are EXACTLY the same things I have been going thru, except getting worse as she ages.

[Tibbles]

I had problems remembering what my husband said because I couldn't follow his logic and if I didn't take it in I didn't get as hurt. According to him I have had sever depression, am mentally unstable and now that our son has been diagnosed with bipolar, I have bipolar too. Fancy that!

[verytired]

Thanks to all of you for your input and support. This site has become my life raft, my connection to sanity.

We had a few good days (almost too good) so I should not be surprised that the stuff hit the fan this morning when "I let the cat wake her up". I don't even want to try to explain what happened  Sometimes it's just too hard to relate these episodes after being so exhausted from going through them.

I can only hope this episode does not last for days like the last one did.

[Tibbles]

The smallest thing can set them off and that was one of the things I found so hard. I'd sit there and think - you've got to be joking! Look after yourself 

[verytired]

Thanks again Mutt. Your being there helps a lot, especially on days like today when it's been pretty tough. The rage started at 11:30am and is still going on though at a lesser degree right now at 8:00pm.

No time for anything more, just trying to make it through.

I hope someday to be of help to others in this situation just as you have.

[verytired]

Thank you as well Tibbles. I hope all is good with you.

[CantMakeSenseOfIt]

My uBPDw thinks I should be checked for dementia because I can never remember what "she has explained to me". She shouts that I "just do not think" and "is there anyone in there?"

I admit, I cannot wrap my mind around her "obvious logic" and "common sense" and forget about all the shifting positions in her thinking  but I'm supposed to remember everything she has said during years of raging.

Should I somehow try to use this as a way to get her in front of someone that could help her? Do therapists offer testing for dementia that my wife could attend with me? I know I do not have dementia even though I feel like I'm losing it every time she dysregulates.

Oh. My. God.

I had no idea this could be part of BPD. My wife tells me all the time that I don't listen to her, because I always get everything wrong. Even when I write it down, she'll tell me I must have wrote it down wrong. When I recorded what she was saying to prove to her that she didn't ask me to get X from the grocery store, just Y and Z, her response was that I should have known what she meant.

I thought I was going crazy. I can run multi-dozen-million dollar programs with hundreds of people for a large corporation, but I can't get the groceries right.

Anyway. I don't know how to help, but you've helped me.

So thanks.

[MammaMia]

CantMakeSense

Your wife's behavior is indeed VERY typical of pwBPD.  Extreme difficulty making decisions and changing their minds over and over are "normal".  Often we finally agree on something, and proceed to do whatever it is, feeling really good. Only to be raked over the coals because they changed their mind AGAIN, but neglected to tell us.  They do not realize it, and since they are NEVER wrong, the fault MUST lie with us.   

Bpd is a terrible mental illness.  I, personally, believe it is the worst ... because it is so hard to treat. Medications are often given to treat the ancillary mental illnesses that accompany BPD (depression, anxiety, OCD, paranoia, etc), but a personality disorder goes to the very core of who they are. 

While their behavior can be extremely frustrating, we nons need to accept that these situations are symptoms of their illness.  Do not take harsh words personally.  Remain calm and do not argue with them because it is an effort in futility.  When in doubt, remember silence is golden.

You have plenty of company here.  We understand what you are going through, and, hopefully, we

can provide the insight and support to make dealing with your wife easier.

You are not crazy, your wife is just very ill.

[enlighten me]

I was reading about amnesia earlier today due to my exgf not remembering stuff she had said. There is one type where a person who has a traumatic event completely blocks it out. Now I have seen my exgf do this when she has really raged at me but now think her contradicting herself may also be a form of this. After all it is a chemical signal to a part of the brain that prevents the memories taking hold.

The amount of times where she has been agitated but not in full flow that she has said something only to deny it leads me to think that maybe she didn't remember saying it. At the time I thought I was going mad. She was so convinced that she hadn't said it that I started to believe her. After we had split I thought it was her just wanting an argument but now Im not so sure.

Anyone else think that this may be a possibility due to how convinced they where that they hadn't  said or done something?

[Tibbles]

I used to think he couldn't remember what he said when in those rages. After doing lots of reading I now think it was the BPD in full swing. He felt an emotion and had to change the facts to fit his emotions. The more he rages, the stronger the emotions, the more he had to twist reality to fit his version of events. It is never his fault. He is the innocent victim. He never lies.  All this driven by fear of abandonment, fear that the family didn't love him if we didn't make him the total center of our world. Crazy stuff.

[CantMakeSenseOfIt]

CantMakeSense

Your wife's behavior is indeed VERY typical of pwBPD.  Extreme difficulty making decisions and changing their minds over and over are "normal".  Often we finally agree on something, and proceed to do whatever it is, feeling really good. Only to be raked over the coals because they changed their mind AGAIN, but neglected to tell us.  They do not realize it, and since they are NEVER wrong, the fault MUST lie with us.   

Bpd is a terrible mental illness.  I, personally, believe it is the worst ... because it is so hard to treat. Medications are often given to treat the ancillary mental illnesses that accompany BPD (depression, anxiety, OCD, paranoia, etc), but a personality disorder goes to the very core of who they are. 

While their behavior can be extremely frustrating, we nons need to accept that these situations are symptoms of their illness.  Do not take harsh words personally.  Remain calm and do not argue with them because it is an effort in futility.  When in doubt, remember silence is golden.

You have plenty of company here.  We understand what you are going through, and, hopefully, we

can provide the insight and support to make dealing with your wife easier.

You are not crazy, your wife is just very ill.

I hear what you are saying, but my struggle is that I refuse to live an irrational life because of someone else's willingness or need to be irrational. And not wanting to do anything about it.

You can ask me to do many things, but you can't ask me to be crazy, too.

[verytired]

Now my uBPDw thinks I have Aspergers!

[Tibbles]

Man I feel for you. I'm sure there is a limit on how many illnesses us non's can have but I'm not sure of the limit - maybe 25 or even 50!

Hang in there and remember she is the one with an illness and not you. You are a sane person caught up in an insane relationship.

[rarsweet]

I think our pwBPD  expect us to be mind readers. If they said " an apple is like an orange" we might think " oh he means they are both fruit". But days later they could rage because we must not be listening or deficient in some way because they really meany they are both round. And then if you try to get them to explain before you assume something they can get angry that you must not be paying attention enough. I think they don't effectively communicate what is actually going through their minds, so then later they are remembering what they were thinking instead of what actually was said or happened? 

[MammaMia]

rarsweet

Oh yes.  What is even more fun was when my BPDs (who was housebound at the time) would ask me to get groceries for him ... .but refused to tell me what he needed, because I should know!

It is almost like a game.  One we can never win.

[maryy16]

I can totally relate. If my H is telling me something, and I don't understand what he's talking about, I have 2 choices:

1. Ask him to explain himself. Then be yelled at for not understanding him. And he will refuse to explain himself.

2. Try to figure it out and assume I know what he's talking about. If I'm wrong( which is 99% of the time), he gets mad and says "You don't know what I'm talking about, do you? Why are you pretending like you do?"

So, obviously, a no-win situation.

[rarsweet]

I have often thought my expwd was purposely  wishy washy so then he never had to be responsible for anything. He always had an out if you will. Then he can just blame someone else. The man can't even say what he wants for dinner if asked. He will say something like  " I dunno... .don'tfeel like chicken" then if iI made steak he would rage that I was stupid because he really wanted spaghetti, and I must not have been listening, or tell me to get my hearing checked. Mary16... .exactly, I bet you heard " well you should know what I meant" many times.

[Michelle27]

I lived this for so many years.  Every rage ended with some sort of condition or thing I had to do that would make things better, supposedly.  It felt like the goal posts were constantly moved and I felt like one of those circus clowns that adds a new plate to spin on a stick.  I got overwhelmed trying to juggle all of the new conditions and keep doing all of the other things from previous rages. 

And in typical BPD fashion, he projected that "moving of goal posts" onto me.  Drove me crazy.

[MammaMia]

It never ceases to amaze me how the symptoms of BPD are EXACTLY the same in people from different walks of life and cultures ... .right down to the same wording and phrases they use.  Their thought processes are identical.

We all know BPD affects specific areas in the brain, but this is just plain uncanny and totally frustrating.  It is impossible to have a serious discussion.  Communication is like a broken record played over and over and over.  Their ability to recall conversations seems to wax and wane.  Regardless, it is always skewed with their distorted perceptions.

This disorder is evil.  It is no wonder pwBPD cannot maintain relationships.

[rarsweet]

I now communicate via email and he will say completely different things in email too. I will say two emails ago you said yadayada and he will say no I meant etc etc. I really don't think its all a memory thing, because even when its in black and white print they twist it.