broke LC and saw each other

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

i have really been struggling with several issues in my life.  One of the core ones is that I have not been able to get over my desire to be with my uxBPDgf.  Effectively we've been limited contact for a while.   This weekend however she came over, we talked and we were intimate, which is something I've wanted with her for quite some time.  I looked at it as just sex and I am under no illusions that she has changed.  I feel quite easily "love" for her but I have some wires crossed that equate physical intimacy with love.  I know this is one of my core issues with "love" as it pertains to her.  I am perfectly capable of having a normal loving friendship and romance if that were something she was able to do.  I love a friendship in a relationship!  It has been since early July when she responded to one of my texts after not hearing from her for quite some time that she revealed the standard "wanting a future" and wanting to work out our relationship.  Well I was "wanting to believe her"  but knowing it was unlikely that she had changed.

And I was correct, she backpedals quite quickly and "doesn't know what to do" now.  For me, now that the good feelings have worn off from being with her this weekend I feel back to the reality of "this can never work."  I'm feeling that detachment is the best alternative.  She has easy excuses, she works, has two kids, and her parents live at the house.  My relationship with her parents is strained.  First of all there is a language barrier as they are from Asia, and then they are delusional thinking I "abandoned her" when everything she did drove me away.  If she wanted to see me regularly and talk and work things out, it would be so easy.  But it's not.  It never has been.  Even during the best times there were only two weeks stability at most.

She's been quite a bad influence acting really crazy throughout our relationship.  I've stayed around because at one time our emotional connection was quite good and I always wanted that back.  The physical attraction I have for her is remarkable.  That is the other thing.

I have made "hard decisions" to leave and never look back and always regretted them.  Mainly because nothing I did makes me feel like I'm over her.

[gtrhr]

i have really been struggling with several issues in my life.  One of the core ones is that I have not been able to get over my desire to be with my uxBPDgf.  Effectively we've been limited contact for a while.   This weekend however she came over, we talked and we were intimate, which is something I've wanted with her for quite some time.  I looked at it as just sex and I am under no illusions that she has changed.  I feel quite easily "love" for her but I have some wires crossed that equate physical intimacy with love.  I know this is one of my core issues with "love" as it pertains to her.  I am perfectly capable of having a normal loving friendship and romance if that were something she was able to do.  I love a friendship in a relationship!  It has been since early July when she responded to one of my texts after not hearing from her for quite some time that she revealed the standard "wanting a future" and wanting to work out our relationship.  Well I was "wanting to believe her"  but knowing it was unlikely that she had changed.

And I was correct, she backpedals quite quickly and "doesn't know what to do" now.  For me, now that the good feelings have worn off from being with her this weekend I feel back to the reality of "this can never work."  I'm feeling that detachment is the best alternative.  She has easy excuses, she works, has two kids, and her parents live at the house.  My relationship with her parents is strained.  First of all there is a language barrier as they are from Asia, and then they are delusional thinking I "abandoned her" when everything she did drove me away.  If she wanted to see me regularly and talk and work things out, it would be so easy.  But it's not.  It never has been.  Even during the best times there were only two weeks stability at most.

She's been quite a bad influence acting really crazy throughout our relationship.  I've stayed around because at one time our emotional connection was quite good and I always wanted that back.  The physical attraction I have for her is remarkable.  That is the other thing.

I have made "hard decisions" to leave and never look back and always regretted them.  Mainly because nothing I did makes me feel like I'm over her.

[Mutt]

Hi gtrhr,

Remember water seeks it's own level. Her family will side with her, they may bury their heads in the sand. You're ready to let go. What does this mean?

Mainly because nothing I did makes me feel like I'm over her.

[gtrhr]

Mutt,

I have walked away numerous times yet always felt the draw back.  Not based on anything she did necessarily.  Just based on how I felt and not being able to shake that feeling.

Regarding your question about things I've done:

I have tried years of therapy, reading countless books, talking with friends about her and just trying to deal with separating the reality from the fantasy about how it was in the beginning and how it "could be" if she would be consistent.   All of that has helped a lot but that doesn't mean I'm over her.  I tried reconciling with my ex wife but we could never get over certain hurdles.  I tried dating other women.  Nothing worked and nothing could make me stop longing for her.  One of my friends described one time the way he felt when he started dating his wife, like he was done looking at any other women and no need to date.  That's exactly how I felt with her.  Anytime I was out with my ex gf I could not look at another woman with any kind of desire whatsoever.  I think whatever it is biologically that can make that happen, locked me in and she was THE ONE.  My feeling with her, she woke something up inside of me.  Being with her made me want to pro-create which is something I had not felt since I was in my early twenties and in college and no position to start a family.

Frankly, I must be addicted to her.  In therapy I'm working on this aspect of it right now and it is helping some.  I'm really trying to focus on me.  Not on her, or how I respond to her, etc.  

Being love bombed and enmeshed was the greatest thing.  She was the one calling me her soul-mate.  Truly, I now know what it's like to be attracted beyond reason to someone, pursue them and have them respond in kind.  I never knew what it was like to feel like that, maybe more like I always settled in the past for less than I fully wanted, but which met my needs enough.  At one time I felt connected to her on every level.

Later when things got really bad I walked away peacefully when she tried to provoke me.  I've walked away in a rage which is the worst.  She has been so mean to me at times where I literally I become the crazy one yelling at her "I never want to speak to you again."  But none of those times I walked away did I feel good about it.  I've been in situations where I had to break things off with a woman before and never regretted it or looked back.  Here I find it impossible not to want to give a 2nd, 3rd... .or 20th try.

[Mutt]

Being love bombed and enmeshed was the greatest thing.  She was the one calling me her soul-mate.

The idealization phase and being put on a pedestal was amazing. I'm speaking for myself when I say this. I can't go back with eyes wide open.

Here I find it impossible not to want to give a 2nd, 3rd... .or 20th try.

Have you checked the leaving board and others that have gone back multiple times? The idealization phase is shorter and the devaluation phase is harder.

I'm glad to hear that you're in T and your focusing on you which is a good thing. If you look at the side panel to the right

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What step are you on in choosing a path?

[gtrhr]

I have been on the Leaving board and now feeling more undecided.  I attempted, but failed to do NC for a while.  It was a one way LC in reality meaning I would text her briefly every week or two with no response for three or four months.  Not hearing from her made it easier for me.  I felt she was either seeing someone or just furious with me. Things ended badly with me telling her she was a psycho for stringing me along.  I was split wanting to have hope, but the part of me wanting to burn the bridges would have enough and just give her the blunt truth.

Obviously, from my perspective I wanted her.  Earlier in the year we spent a long time with me being patient, not pressuring her at all, and her saying she wanted to reconcile, wanted a future, etc, then she backed away when we were about to start.  We essentially spent a month texting, where I finally said - enough we live and work close enough we need to see each other, or not.  So we've been apart since then. That was earlier in the year.

I pinged her around July 4th and said that I felt no closure which is true.  She replied to me telling me sorry, that she missed me too, she wanted to come visit me, etc.  Then she revealed she had seen someone else in the interim and that she still thought of me all the time, and that she told him, and that she tried three or four times to break off with him.  That he didn't get the "hint."  Ironically, the reason I did leave her many other times before was because I felt I was being "hinted" to leave, and yet she always claims abandonment.  Typical BPD behavior.  I figured she had seen someone and I felt pretty neutral about it.  After all, the past three times, I left her.

To be honest I was hoping more to hear from her, no chance we can ever be together, that she had moved on and was happy.  Or that she hadn't been seeing anyone and was ready to try.  I didn't want this confusing nonsense...   It was more limbo, and yet it got me hoping, and I WANTED hope.  But I realize you know, it's my responsibility to back off completely in that case.  So it's been a tougher month than I should have allowed.  I saw her one other time at her house just to talk.

After seeing her this past weekend I spent some days anxious but I'm feeling much more level today.  I was doing much better during the LC/NC phase not hearing at all from her.  Something I realized as months of NC went by.

I guess what I seek to do is find a lasting closure one way or the other.  I don't think after being intimate with her and getting anxious due to the non-relationship I should just put a complete halt to things and say I'm leaving now.  I know that type of exit yet again won't leave me feeling like I am over-her.  We've done that too much.

[londonD]

I have been on the Leaving board and now feeling more undecided.  I attempted, but failed to do NC for a while.  It was a one way LC in reality meaning I would text her briefly every week or two with no response for three or four months.  Not hearing from her made it easier for me.  I felt she was either seeing someone or just furious with me. Things ended badly with me telling her she was a psycho for stringing me along.  I was split wanting to have hope, but the part of me wanting to burn the bridges would have enough and just give her the blunt truth.

Obviously, from my perspective I wanted her.  Earlier in the year we spent a long time with me being patient, not pressuring her at all, and her saying she wanted to reconcile, wanted a future, etc, then she backed away when we were about to start.  We essentially spent a month texting, where I finally said - enough we live and work close enough we need to see each other, or not.  So we've been apart since then. That was earlier in the year.

I pinged her around July 4th and said that I felt no closure which is true.  She replied to me telling me sorry, that she missed me too, she wanted to come visit me, etc.  Then she revealed she had seen someone else in the interim and that she still thought of me all the time, and that she told him, and that she tried three or four times to break off with him.  That he didn't get the "hint."  Ironically, the reason I did leave her many other times before was because I felt I was being "hinted" to leave, and yet she always claims abandonment.  Typical BPD behavior.  I figured she had seen someone and I felt pretty neutral about it.  After all, the past three times, I left her.

To be honest I was hoping more to hear from her, no chance we can ever be together, that she had moved on and was happy.  Or that she hadn't been seeing anyone and was ready to try.  I didn't want this confusing nonsense...  It was more limbo, and yet it got me hoping, and I WANTED hope.  But I realize you know, it's my responsibility to back off completely in that case.  So it's been a tougher month than I should have allowed.  I saw her one other time at her house just to talk.

After seeing her this past weekend I spent some days anxious but I'm feeling much more level today.  I was doing much better during the LC/NC phase not hearing at all from her.  Something I realized as months of NC went by.

I guess what I seek to do is find a lasting closure one way or the other.  I don't think after being intimate with her and getting anxious due to the non-relationship I should just put a complete halt to things and say I'm leaving now.  I know that type of exit yet again won't leave me feeling like I am over-her.  We've done that too much.

I have a two year old son with my exBPD fiance. I have to have contact with her, you my friend have a choice!

In the past we have recycled, guess what? As Mutt said the honeymoon lasted a few weeks, then came the devaluation and accusations of cheating. I had enough of the push and pull!

She has had flings with two men since May which she told me about. She was a way for a month working in a hospital in Africa, before she left we had sex. She then spent the month telling me she missed me and loved me.

We had sex when she returned and spent time as a family together. Since she returned the professions of love have stopped, she has to state "we're not together you know". She was telling me different while in Africa.

I then found out she was still messaging one of the guys from before. He's a player and just wants to sleep with her!

My message to you, they feel they miss you from a distance, once they know they have you, they will devalue and think "no this isn't what I want".

Messaging the other guy was her way of being validated, made to feel sexy and wanted. Even though he is only after sex!

To a BPD feelings = facts. When apart they feel they love you = fact. When they get you, they feel it will never work = fact

One would think they are intentionally playing games, they are not. They are indecisive, they panic, they push and they pull, all subconsciously!

If you get back with her, it will sour, you will break up and it will hurt. Maybe next time you'll find out she has been cheating on you! How much will that hurt?

Be polite, be curtious, don't engage on I love you, I want you. Its not worth it! My ex is hot, very hot, but she is crazy, shes a poor mother and she doesn't know her own mind.

Stay away! I don't have a choice, you are choosing to prolong the pain.