Meeting w/ uBPD Mother after LC for 4 mos

[mlepoof]

After 4 mos of LC, she has finally agreed to the one thing I have asked her to do. The last time I spoke with my mom, I told her I wouldn't speak to her again unless it was in front of a counselor. She asked me if the first visit could be with her priest and I agreed. Well, that followed with months of manipulative emails, phone calls, and texts. She did everything from fake my grandma's health condition to try to "peer pressure" me into speaking with her by saying that "all of my old friends and neighbors" couldn't believe "what a selfish person I was becoming".

Well, she finally made an appointment with her priest, this Thursday at 1pm. This comes s no easy effort on my part, as I have to take a day off work and drive 3 hours to my home town for the visit. But, I told her I would do it and I am going to do it. We attended counseling awhile ago, but that was no help as she just saw the counselor as being on "my side" and "villainizing" her. But, I'm wondering if going to see someone she knows and has confided in before may change the situation.

What I need help with is trying to manage my expectations of this event and go into it with a clear head.Has anyone dealt with a similar situation before? Has anyone gone to counseling with a BPD parent or sibling and what came of it? Was the BPD relative at all changed by the event?

[Jema]

Hi mleproof,

I just recently went through a similar circumstance. Like you, I got to the point where I insisted on only communicating with my uBPDm through a counselor. We were stuck in this circular pattern of bickering, and I thought that maybe some professional help would assist us in getting through to each other.

(I had a bit of leverage in that she wanted me to respond to some 'questions' in one of her vitriolic screeds she sent me by e-mail. I refused to answer without a referee--since I had already answered them many time before and she always dismissed my responses out-of-hand.)

I had even more severe logistics-type problems, as I am on the west coast and she is DC. I found a counselor ('T' who listed BPD as one of her specialties there in DC. The T agreed to conduct the session with me "Skype-ing" in. This did not seem to be much of an issue, although, Skype-session quality did degrade sometimes so much that we had to switch to phone.

uBPDm started the session(s) with her vilification of me. I think she thought she would either discredit me in the eyes of the T, and/or "shame" me into submission. Neither was accomplished.

The T let us bicker for a few sessions. Then when T tried to get us to break out of said circular pattern, uBPDm stood up mid-session and bolted, saying on the way out the door, "He's right, your're right, and I'm wrong... ." This was, I believe, because T had started to validate me, which is a "cardinal sin".

I had warned T (in advance) that my mother had bolted from previous therapy sessions; first with her first husband, and second with her mother (my grandmother)--so it was not really a surprise.

I did learn a great deal in going through the exercise, though. Lesson one was the vilification: When she is in "Waif/Victim" mode, she needs to have a Villain on whom to blame everything. Traditionally, this has been one or more of: her various husbands, family members, and in-laws. My [Non] wife and I are currently at the top her list, as everyone else is either NC or dead.

Lesson two was understanding my inability to think during our confrontations (FOG?): I liken it to 'Fight-or-Flight' syndrome--my normally agile mind being "suffocated" (drowned out?) by the primitive region of my brain. I need to find a way to stand "outside" of our little confrontations, as a spectator. Maybe if I can visualize that while it is happening, I can avoid the FOG. At any rate, it will take practice; which I may never get, nor need... .

Now, I am insisting on NC unless she is willing to rejoin our sessions. No turning back. In a way I feel a sense of release. I think for the first time in my life I finally might have the upper hand... .

Hope this helps you (and/or others).

Cheers,

Jema

[Jema]

I wanted to add that you are certainly taking a big step. I hope it works out for you. I am sure you know that it probably won't go the way you think it will, but hopefully you can make the best out of any "victories" (or lessons) you can get, no matter the degree.

I will be interested to find out how it goes. Hope you will post your progress.

Cheers,

Jema

[mlepoof]

Jema,

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me! It helped me to set my expectations for what would come of the meeting. The meeting itself actually went a lot better than I expected. I think it helped that we went to her priest, someone she already has respect for and likes, because she was not able to as readily write him off when he challenged some of her views. One thing that he said that made a lot of sense to me was that each of us care about the other person, but the actions we are both taking toward each other are not being perceived as caring by the other person. I completely agreed with that because I can understand how my LC with my mother can be perceived by her as not caring, and I think if she could understand that her endless aggressions and hurtful communications toward me are not being perceived by me as someone who "cares too much", then we could've made some progress.  Unfortunately, my mom would agree with the priest for as second, and then follow up with something like "I just don't believe that my daughter loves me" or "I just don't see how anyone would think the way you're treating me is ok". She actually even admitted at one point that the reason she called me names and made threats toward me was to "get a rise" out of me so that hopefully I would communicate back. I told her that that is not the way to get me to communicate, but I just don't think that anything REALLY got across to her.

The messages I've been getting from her since have validated that she did not take much from the session, but I am staying firm that we need to continue with them in order for me to talk to her, so we have another appointment scheduled for September 4th!

Again, thanks for sharing your experience with me! It is weird how freeing and validating going LC or NC can be. Best of luck to you!