How to contact someone who doesn't want to be contacted

[Alrick]

Hello:  My son, who in his mid-twenties, may or may not have BPD, but the features of the behaviour are a way of understanding it.

He isn't interested in contact with me or my wife as it's "too painful".  His relationship with his other siblings is not straightforward and I don't think there is an avenue there.  There are certainly a ton of mistakes we have made; most of them as we didn't understand what was happening over the last five years.

He is socially isolated from his family, most likely the majority of his old friends and has just gone through two recent break-ups with girls who really cared for him.

We are quite concerned the isolation is going to worsen his symptoms of depression and there have been hints of suicide but I don't think there is a plan at the present time.  He doesn't return texts or emails, or answer his phone.  He won't give us his address (he does live in the same city).  The only way to see him is to wait outside his place of employment and the distinct impression one gets is the less time together the better.  We think we have made strides in understanding things and hope to do better in the future but none of this is helpful if we can't even meet in person.

How to break this log jam?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DreamFlyer99]

Hi Alrick and 

As parents that must be so frustrating! Mostly we just want what's best for our kids and for them to be happy, and not even knowing what's even going on in their lives is so difficult. When there are concerns for their emotional and physical well-being we get that much more anxious. (I know, I've been there too!)

Your son has been through some tough things it sounds like, for sure. And we all have made mistakes as parents, none of us being able to see what's behind every move our children make. The point is, you are now armed with information and ready to try doing things differently, so forgive yourself for whatever you feel you've done wrong in the past. Moving forward is the main motion here at bpdfamily, toward hope and healing.

When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.

If you are ready to, why don't you go to that board and post at least this part of your story as a New Topic, then you'll start seeing the beauty of this community in action. Or look through the conversations that have already been started there and jump in where you see something that interests you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this worrying time, and I'm so glad you found us here!

dreamflyer99 

[lever.]

Hello Alrick,

This is a difficult and painful situation.

I hope that you will join us on the parent's thread-there are a number of people there who have been or are in similar situations.

Valerie Porr's book "Overcoming Borderlinepersonality Disorder" has a whole section on relationship repair and is very helpful.

I used her advice to approach my daughter by e-mail-and, although I had to listen to a lot of anger initially it did break the total impasse.

I would approach this very gently and not push it too hard-just let him no that you are there for him if he changes his mind, realise you have made some mistakes, love him and want to be supportive.

I am sure you would get a lot more advice and support on the parents board.

[Alrick]

Thank you.  I will look for the book.

[madmom]

I am so sorry for your pain and your situation.  I certainly understand how awful it feels when your own child whom you love doesn't want much to do with you.  I would advice watching some of the videos and working with the tools and lessons you see on this site.  I would especially encourage you to look at the validation and using SET ones, I think it might give you some communication tools to use when you do get a chance to have contact.  Best wishes---you are not alone.

[Kate4queen]

I think I would be asking myself what I hope to gain from reestablishing contact?

Are you hoping things will change? Are you prepared for your son not to react in a way you consider appropriate?

Who's benefit is this for?

I ask, because these are important things to know about why you are ready to try again. Have you new strategies for dealing with your son or is the expectation that he will change and welcome you back?

I have a 22 yr old son with BPD. I've had to learn to ask myself what I'm trying to achieve whenever I have contact with him when I know he is never going to be the son I thought I should have and is instead a wounded, difficult, person who still hates our guts. I have learned to love him as he is, but it's hard to let go of thinking I can fix him when that's not what he wants.

I certainly wish you all success and hope that things work out for you all.