Has anyone ever used dissociation to cope with the abuse from a BPD parent?

[borderlinemom]

I grew up with a BPD mom which I did not find out about until about a month ago. I was also sexually abused by a friend of her's for 5 years. Somewhere between dealing with the abuse and her behavior and inappropriate secrets she would tell me I learned to use this to survive. I did not have a name for it until I was describing the feeling to my therapist, I always thought that I was going crazy. Has anyone else ever experienced this feeling? Does anyone have an idea of how to get rid of it? I am working with my therapist to deal with it, but I really hate that feeling.

[Turkish]

I'm sorry that you experienced sexual abuse. It's horrible enough as an adult, but as an innocent child... .

My mom repressed memories ("dissociative amnesia" of her sexual abuse from her father for almost 40 years until they came out in therapy. She told me a lot of things, but I never pressed her on the details (ugh).

I had an unconscious dissociation once when I was 14 or 15. It was a very bad few years, and we were something like homeless. She was raging on me harshly one day, probably smacking me around as she usually did when she was mad, and I apparently fell to the ground and had a short seizure. My brain just shut down.

I moved out of her house on my 18th birthday, almost 25 years ago. Just last month, she finally came out to me that her therapist over 20- years ago suggested that she might have BPD, but didn't officially dX her (close enough, that I call her "BPD mom"... .now she thinks so, too, but she loves "diagnosing" other pwBPD 

It gives me a whole new perspective on my childhood, as I'm sure it did with yours.

[Harri]

Hi borderlinemom.  I dissociated frequently when I was younger.  It was not uncommon for me to be an observer of myself in various situations, both at home and when triggered elsewhere.  I don't remember exactly when it stopped, but I know it started to happen less and less and for shorter periods of time as I gained insight and strength and learned to trust myself and know that no matter what happened, I would be able to handle it.  Thinking back on it, it happened most frequently when I was scared.  These days, I experience more of an emotional shut down rather than completely checking out of my body.  I am not sure if that part will ever go away for me, but I know awareness of it and learning self-soothing will help.  I do know that my T's have all told me that it was a normal reaction to the abuse I experienced.  I clung to that word normal quite a bit.  As unpleasant and as frustrating as I found dissociation to be, it was a very useful and effective defense mechanism.  My need for it changed when i learned better coping strategies.

If it helps to know, I too was sexually abused (my mom and a family friend).  It takes time and a lot of hard work but it will get better, I promise you that. 

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, borderlinemom. 


YES, I used to dissociate frequently when I was in high school and college. I hated it. For a while I felt as if I were an alien spirit inhabiting a human body; that I was supposed to think I was human but that I kept getting separated from the human brain and confronted with the terrible loneliness of having no idea who I really was. Sometimes it would hit while I was driving home from work, or when I happened to glance in my reflection in the bathroom, or for no reason in the middle of a crowd. It was awful.

It wasn't until another friend mentioned dissociation that she experienced in her abusive home that I knew this was a real psychological phenomenon and that I wasn't crazy (or an alien spirit.) I did get some counseling later and discussed this and was able to work out some things that helped.

The dissociation still happens sometimes for me - maybe two or three times a year now - and when it does, I take a moment to run my hands under warm water (if I'm by myself) and feel my skin under that gentle warm pressure. I remind myself that I have felt this feeling many times before, and that while it is frightening, it is not an actual threat or danger to me. If I am near my husband or other trusted person, I go to them and touch them casually (pat their shoulder as I pass, or give a hug). I remind myself that even if in the moment, my life seems foreign, that I can deliberately think through my last year and remember it all. I know my life. My life is mine. This body is mine. The scary, awful feeling will go away.

It took a long time to feel manageable, but now when it happens, it's not much more troubling than getting a bad case of hiccups. I self-soothe, and I know it will eventually pass.

I've been out of my abusive home for fifteen years, and aware of my mom's uBPD for about six-seven years now. You're just starting some really vital, amazing work, and I'm cheering for you hard! It will get easier. Hang in there.

[isilme]

Yes, I have found that many of my memories have dissociative aspects.  I remember factually much of my childhood, but not seeing anything as wrong, or even when I did know things were wrong, I had no way to cope.  So in my mind, a lot of things have been "movies" that happened to someone else.  Only recently did I hit a breakthrough crisis where I guess my brain thought I could handle the emotions that have been put off for decades, and waves of anger, fear, and sadness from many memories finally came through.  It's a hard place to be, to suddenly have feelings and/or memories coming back that you'd not accessed in a long time.  Take time to let yourself process this as you can ((hugs))

[Lise]

As a child, I learned early on to dissociate ... .I think it was my only way of defending myself. When I wasn't able to stop the abuse or leave physically, I could do so in my mind.

The tendency to dissociate became even stronger after I was subjected to repeated sexual abuse.

I still have tremendous difficulties dealing with painful emotions or memories, even though I'm adamant on experiencing the emotions, or having the memories, my mind just drifts off, and I'm completely numb. I can move my body and I can talk, but I can't feel anything emotionally or physically. Sometimes my mind goes even farther away, and I suddenly realize I have "lost" several minutes that I simply cannot account for.

I've learned to notice when I dissociate. Sometimes I can even bring myself back to the present moment, but not always. It helps me to take deep breaths, pressing my feet into the ground, forcing myself to notice what I can hear, see, smell etc., and also noticing the painful feeling and try to make room for it, while noticing my body. This is a bit tricky to explain, it's a technique my T taught me, I think it's called 'expanded awareness' or something like that.

It's helpful to me to know that it will pass, and I try to view it as me trying to protect me from pain, the best way that I can ... .I just hope that 'me' soon will learn that emotions aren't harmful, so that I can deal with my memories and emotions in a more adult way.