Started NC and it's hard -- any advice?

[Progress Not Perfection]

A little background -- I have struggled with chronic depression and low self esteem for as long as I can remember. When I started therapy (again) this summer, I started to realize the impact of my relationship with my BPD mom on the horrible things I say to myself. Through these forums I have realized that I was the victim of emotional incest, and that this was traumatic for me. I always thought of my mom as being "good" (nice, sweet, flattering, physically affectionate) and "bad" (yelling, raging, emotionally abusive, withdrawing affection). Now I see that even the good was manipulative, served her needs and not mine, and often left me feeling very violated.

Yesterday I took the plunge and sent her an email asking her to give me space and not contact me until I contact her. I usually would have waited until we had a huge fight to set a boundary, but I wanted to tell her this in the most calm way I could. This was a huge step for me, and part of me feels really really great about it, like this is going to be a very helpful step towards healing for me. However, it has been almost 24 hours since I sent it and she has not responded in any way. I know -- that's  what I asked her to do! So I should be happy. But I expected a rage, and honestly that would have validated my choice more. The silence is really freaking me out. I find myself feeling so guilty and thinking "well I didn't need to do that, look at how respectful she is being!"

I am also starting to realize how hard this distance will be for me. I already miss her, even though I can make an honest assessment of our relationship and see that it is more damaging than healthy for me. A big part of my issues is placing her needs above mine, and I find myself circling into thoughts like "poor mom she is probably sad" and then actually wondering if she even cares at all! It's like her not raging or crying at me makes me think she doesn't love me at all... .hm, that says a lot about the "love" I have experienced from her, doesn't it?

So, any advice on how to make the most of this time? Or lessons learned from your experiences with NC and/or asking for space? I value hearing from those who have gone before me SO much, you all have helped me more than you know!

[HappyChappy]

I have struggled with chronic depression and low self esteem for as long as I can remember... .

... .any advice on how to make the most of this time? Or lessons learned from your experiences with NC and/or asking for space?

I've been NC for 8 months now, so I know it must be very hard for you at first. But it gets better. My BPD has given me the silent treatment for most of that 8 months and coming from someone who normally rages and shouts, the contrast is profound. This has been, punctuated by the odd bit of hovering. My BPD was extremely abusive to me as a child, so this process helped me realise I was still griped by F.O.G. As you point out the silent treatment is effective at creating FOG.

So to answer your question, use this time to focus on you, to get healed. I’ve made amazing progress and I’m sure you will too. I found a Cognitive Therapist really helped . Also the book entitled “feeling good” recommended on this website, helps with depression. Your BPD will be there once you’ve healed, if you ever wish to reconnect. But ensure you decided when or if to reconnect, block all attempts your BPD makes prior to that. You need complete No Contact.  If you’re not fighting fit a BPD can take advantage of that and real you back in.

[littlebirdcline]

I can completely relate to the way you're feeling, though my situation is a bit different.  I went NC, and then through therapy decided to try limited interaction, especially because my son missed them.  My mother is also very loving and affectionate, and I don't believe it's all manipulative.  I think she really does love me and want to be with me, but when things feel threatening to her, she lashes out.  And a lot of things threaten her.  So far, we have Skyped a few times, mostly so they could talk to my son, with mixed results.  I have tried short texts and emails, which she responds to very tersely.  Part of me is fine with this.  I miss the daily conversations in a way, but the dramatic decrease in stress is nice, too.  But when I do interact with her, I can tell she is unhappy and frustrated, and on the brink of snapping at any time.  Part of me wishes she would, so that I wouldn't have to make a decision or continue this way. 

I am not an expert, and it's still a work in progress, but I do have a few recommendations.  This board is great, first of all.  And I found journaling very helpful.  I think I wrote a hundred pages the first few weeks of this process.  My therapist recommended trying to use my non-dominant hand because it sometimes yields interesting results.  But my therapist has been the most helpful.  My husband has been great, but he just wants me to cut her off completely.  My therapist has been great at helping me be honest about what I really want and helping balance logical compassion for her with compassion for myself.  It is so hard to separate from patterns that have taken a lifetime to develop.  I know I often find myself worrying about her, then reminding myself it's not my responsibility. 

I wish you luck, and hope you will continue to keep us updated. 

[Progress Not Perfection]

Thanks so much for your supportive words! They help so much.

BPD mom emailed back today. It was rough because the email sounds very nice, respectful, caring. She is "very hurt and very confused". This makes sense because the worst of the emotional incest and emotional abuse was many years ago, but I also feel like she has worked hard to not hear any of my feelings that are not 100% happy for my entire life. Especially when it comes to her. For example, she can empathize really well with my struggles with colleagues at work, but not if I ask her politely to not talk to me about my sex life. Then I get anger, invalidation, ridicule, guilt... .etc.

Anyway, I was wracked with guilt and remorse over the email at first. I was angry at myself and at my husband for supporting me in taking this time for myself. I felt stupid and like I was making a big deal out of nothing. What's so crazy is she didn't even SAY any of these things, yet I still know now (after 30 minutes of processing with my SAINT of a husband) that she put those ideas/thoughts in my head at some time, and now all that has to happen is for her to send a seemingly nice email and I start berating myself on her behalf. I hate it! So that is a big goal that I am going to be working on with my therapist, stopping the negative thoughts, and also sorting through the trauma from my past. I see her as a walking trigger for me, which prevents me from having a real relationship with her in the actual present moment, and also creates a lot of stress and sadness and anxiety for me.

I am going to use both of your suggestions -- journaling is something I know helps me, and I need to do more often even though it is difficult. And I love the idea of "fighting fit", happychappy. I need to be in a stronger place so I can interact with her. I hope one day I can feel ok with limited contact like you have with your mom, littlebirdcline. Sounds like she is similar to mine -- there is genuine love and kindness, but tiny things set it off. I need to start being ok with ME so that I don't worry so much about setting her off.

Phew! I get the feeling this is going to be a long, difficult, emotional, and also healing process! Thanks for all the support 

[claudiaduffy]

My advice is to set a filter on your email so that anything from her email address is automatically deleted. You can undo this later, but for now, it's not NC if she can still contact you.

It's a hard, hard line to draw, but I always remember a scene from some movie I saw years ago:

The hero and a buddy are trapped, locked, in a walk-in safe in a bank. They know the bad guys outside have someone they care about held hostage. There is a landline phone inside the safe, and it rings. The hero and his buddy don't answer it, because they know that the only way the bad guys have any leverage with the hostages is if they can talk to the hero. If the hero doesn't answer the phone, the bad guys can make no demands.

When you read the emails your mom sends, you are answering the phone. Not talking back is good, but not answering is even better. It frees you from her manipulation.

[Leelou]

Thanks so much for your supportive words! They help so much.

BPD mom emailed back today. It was rough because the email sounds very nice, respectful, caring. She is "very hurt and very confused". This makes sense because the worst of the emotional incest and emotional abuse was many years ago, but I also feel like she has worked hard to not hear any of my feelings that are not 100% happy for my entire life. Especially when it comes to her. For example, she can empathize really well with my struggles with colleagues at work, but not if I ask her politely to not talk to me about my sex life. Then I get anger, invalidation, ridicule, guilt... .etc.

Anyway, I was wracked with guilt and remorse over the email at first. I was angry at myself and at my husband for supporting me in taking this time for myself. I felt stupid and like I was making a big deal out of nothing. What's so crazy is she didn't even SAY any of these things, yet I still know now (after 30 minutes of processing with my SAINT of a husband) that she put those ideas/thoughts in my head at some time, and now all that has to happen is for her to send a seemingly nice email and I start berating myself on her behalf. I hate it! So that is a big goal that I am going to be working on with my therapist, stopping the negative thoughts, and also sorting through the trauma from my past. I see her as a walking trigger for me, which prevents me from having a real relationship with her in the actual present moment, and also creates a lot of stress and sadness and anxiety for me.

I am going to use both of your suggestions -- journaling is something I know helps me, and I need to do more often even though it is difficult. And I love the idea of "fighting fit", happychappy. I need to be in a stronger place so I can interact with her. I hope one day I can feel ok with limited contact like you have with your mom, littlebirdcline. Sounds like she is similar to mine -- there is genuine love and kindness, but tiny things set it off. I need to start being ok with ME so that I don't worry so much about setting her off.

Phew! I get the feeling this is going to be a long, difficult, emotional, and also healing process! Thanks for all the support 

Well done you... .

BPD takes up so much of your head space in your life that to be without it is so, so, strange.  After all you've been living with it all your life - we know nothing else.  Here is a question to think on - what have you always wanted to do?  Freed from guilt and contact obligations. I know it's a strange thought.  But free from BPD and the constant demands and drama we can have our wishes.  And you know what?  You are allowed to, you are allowed to be happy, you can do whatever you want it's your life

Very scary thoughts, with mucho guilt attached

Bad days slowly start to get better.  Almost hours where your thoughts are not consumed with the BPD disease

When I first went NC 3 years ago after a few months the calls stopped.  Very strange, you check your phone constantly and then I realised I don't feed the disease, I am not part of the disease, somebody else is doing it.  There is no drama without an audience and you can leave at anytime from the theatre - the play stills goes on just without you participating

[P.F.Change]

The decision to take a break from contact with a parent is not an easy one. It sounds like you feel a need to have some space to yourself in order to work through past trauma and learn new skills. It is understandable that your mother would feel hurt and confused by this, and it is also okay to ask for what you need in relationships. In fact, it's really important to learn to do that. You can take care of your needs and feelings right now, and your mother can find a way to take care of hers.

But I expected a rage, and honestly that would have validated my choice more.

... .

I am also starting to realize how hard this distance will be for me. I already miss her, even though I can make an honest assessment of our relationship and see that it is more damaging than healthy for me.

It sounds like maybe one goal you are aiming for during this time is to learn to feel confident in your own self, so that you don't need to rely on external validation for the decisions you make. I think that's a good goal.  If you need space, it's okay to ask for it, regardless of whether someone else is mean or nice. Your needs don't have to be contingent on someone else's feelings and behavior.

It's also okay that you miss your mother. She is not an "all-bad" person. Everyone has positive qualities. Is there anything in particular you miss about her? How are you looking after yourself when you find yourself missing her--what messages do you give yourself about that?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Harri]

Hi ProgressnP.  I think you are doing great dealing with this.  You really are doing the right thing for you and your own family. 

leelou wrote:

You are allowed to, you are allowed to be happy, you can do whatever you want it's your life

That is so important.  Allow yourself to Be.  Give yourself permission to Be.  You feel guilty?  That's okay, it is just a feeling and it will pass.  You feel angry?  That too is okay and is even appropriate, and it will pass.  You miss your mom?  That is okay and normal but she is not good for you right now and you need a break.  The feeling will pass.  I had the hardest time with just allowing myself to be.  I was always in a hurry to try to fix things or anticipate and deflect that I had to actively allow myself to feel whatever it was I was feeling.  I had never learned to just sit with my feelings.  I have no idea if that applies to you, but it is what came to me when reading your post.  Maybe practice mindfulness.

I really like that you can recognize the good parts of your mother.  As P.F.Change said, everyone has positive qualities and it is important to recognize that.  Denying the good is just as damaging as denying the bad in our parents.  Another struggle I had when I first got away from the FOO was how to *not* use those good qualities to justify accepting my mom's craziness.  So celebrate the good, but remind yourself that you do not get the good without the bad as well.  Again, I have no idea if that is something you need to do for yourself, but it is what came to mind and I thought I would mention it.

You can do this!

[P.F.Change]

That is so important.  Allow yourself to Be.  Give yourself permission to Be.  You feel guilty?  That's okay, it is just a feeling and it will pass.  You feel angry?  That too is okay and is even appropriate, and it will pass.  You miss your mom?  That is okay and normal but she is not good for you right now and you need a break.  The feeling will pass. 

I think that's a really good point. It's ok to feel what you're feeling, whatever that may be. I used to spend a lot of time trying not to feel anger, shame, hurt, etc., because I thought those were somehow "bad" emotions. Learning to be mindful of what I am feeling--observing my emotions without judgement, and watching them pass by--really has helped me to grow. Here is a workshop that helped me a lot: TOOLS: Practicing mindfulness

[123Phoebe]

Hi Progress Not Perfection

I believe my Mom has undiagnosed BPD and we've been able to develop a different relationship, one where we're both much more respectful of each other and ourselves.

I'm not going to change her.  That was a toughie for me to accept, because I really wanted her to change dammit!  I had to change myself and how I think. feel. behave. around her.  How I think. feel. behave. toward myself and others, as I shed the picked up throughout my childhood.  Change is hard.  Recognizing how difficult it is to change myself when I really want to(!), has given me a little more space to accept the difficulties my mother faces when she doesn't have a clue that change would benefit her and her relationships.  She'll go straight into attack-mode to defend herself and her beliefs.

Something that really helped me was NOT thinking in terms of No Contact.  I did NC for a while and felt really crummy.  So I changed or reframed the way I looked at it and approached her... .  I was open to having a relationship with her, when she was nice.  The second she started down criticism-lane, I found a reason to get off the phone.  Now when she starts, I'll say, "Okay Mom... ." in a stern tone and she understands that if she keeps it up, I'll be hanging up, or if she's visiting, I'll be leaving the room etc... .  I have boundaries now around certain behaviors and act on them.  I give her a chance first.  I respect her right to feel and think anything she wants to, I give myself the same courtesy.

Someone has to be the grownup

For the most part, she's wonderful when we're together.  There are still times that she can get a little testy and it's okay, because I know I can handle it   I have an amazing friend who 'gets it'; his mom behaves very similar to mine, so we'll bounce things off each other instead of our mothers

This whole process took close to 5 years   It has been worth every minute of pain and confusion to now have an honest authentic relationship with her

I sincerely hope you find peace in your heart very soon, for both of your sakes

[Progress Not Perfection]

I appreciate you all SO much! Last night I was just feeling down, not really able to put my finger on why or what specifically I was feeling. I usually am fairly good at that (yes, even the bad feelings, although I wasn't able to get to that until year 3 or so of therapy!) so I was in a funk. Reading your words was really helpful in helping me feel like I am not crazy. This is a hard time and it is full of lots of different emotions so of course I'm confused sometimes.

I had the hardest time with just allowing myself to be.  I was always in a hurry to try to fix things or anticipate and deflect that I had to actively allow myself to feel whatever it was I was feeling. 

Harri, this is exactly what I was struggling with last night, and I couldn't put my finger on it until you put words to it. Since I sent the NC request email, I feel like if I haven't actively "worked" on myself for several hours each day, with the purpose of getting back in contact with her, then I am a terrible person and daughter. I was feeling overwhelmed last night and also not ready to continue reading books (Emotional Incest Syndrome by Pat Love and Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb) or journaling or any of that "work". So I was feeling super guilty. Sometimes taking a break and being mindful is productive, plus I will not cease to exist or be a worthwhile person if I am Being instead of Doing.

If you need space, it's okay to ask for it, regardless of whether someone else is mean or nice. Your needs don't have to be contingent on someone else's feelings and behavior.

P.F.Change, what a concept! Great to keep in mind since it was not my experience for most of my life -- but it can be now!

It's also okay that you miss your mother. She is not an "all-bad" person. Everyone has positive qualities. Is there anything in particular you miss about her? How are you looking after yourself when you find yourself missing her--what messages do you give yourself about that?

What a good question. I miss the way that I felt powerful around her, like I could make her happy when she was sad. AND I'm seeing how that is tremendously unhealthy for me, and for her as well. I also miss her ability to listen and be supportive about things that don't involve her, like my work. I may be invalidating some of those good things because it feels easier to see her as "all-bad" but I appreciate the challenge to accept my loving and missing feelings too! I remember a long time ago my counselor said "how can you be grey about your mom when she sees everything very black and white?" and this is certainly an opportunity for that. 

Here is a question to think on - what have you always wanted to do?  Freed from guilt and contact obligations. I know it's a strange thought.  But free from BPD and the constant demands and drama we can have our wishes.  And you know what?  You are allowed to, you are allowed to be happy, you can do whatever you want it's your life

Very scary thoughts, with mucho guilt attached

Leelou, how right you are! I experience lots of guilt in thinking about having fun during this time, however that is a big part of my healing! I have been pondering your question of what I have always wanted to do... .I'm not even sure! But I will keep thinking about it. Maybe taking up an enjoyable hobby would be a good idea.

Thanks and much   to you all!