What story do you tell yourself about yourself? Has it changed?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My son did a personality assessment almost 4 years ago when he was 9. A skilled child psychologist worked with him over six sessions using unstructured and structured prompts. Before we got started, I met with the psychologist for 30 minutes to talk about the process, what the output would be, what a personality assessment was, etc. He also wanted me to know what it wasn't, that it wasn't therapy, that sometimes he can see signs of learning challenges, but he could only recommend more testing, he didn't do that testing. Etc.

Some of the assignments were things like ":)raw a picture of someone in the rain." Or finish this sentence, "I know it is going to be a long day when... ." Basically six hours of that kind of stuff.

So my son goes to all these sessions, and at the end, the psychologist sends a report that is so accurate I felt like he cheated and talked to my therapist and asked her what was going on in our lives. My therapist explained to me that the personality assessment is designed to figure out what stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, and that the psychologist was able to learn what my son's story was through these prompts. It was more than details about our lives, like having an alcoholic father and that kind of thing. It was about who my son thought he was.

I didn't really understand the significance of it until now. One thing that made me cry, and still does, is that my son was 9, but all of the people he drew were stick figures and none of them had faces.  :'(  The psychologist said that, in combination with other patterns that he noticed in his analysis, my son was stuffing his feelings or being flooded by them. He had no tools to deal with feelings.

He also said that my son, when asked to draw a picture of rain with a person (or however he phrased it) drew a picture of a kid in the rain with the rain pellets all coming at him from every direction. I guess some kids will draw a picture of their whole family under an umbrella with the sun shining above them and rain falling down the sides. Kids draw whatever emotional reality they know -- they don't even realize that drawing a picture of someone in the rain is a way to show how they feel about stress. When the psychologist asked my son what was happening in the picture, he said "This guy is getting wet, but he has an umbrella somewhere. His mom has one for him." When asked how the guy felt about being in the rain, my son said, "I don't know. He just is wet." The stick figure didn't have a face, there was no way to tell how he felt.

The psychologist told me that my son presented a lot of signs for a kid "at risk," but that my son seemed to think that there was someone who would help him. That being me. He said that a child who tells himself a story about someone being there to help was important, because that meant he would accept help. And so we started therapy for S13 and started the slow work of healing.

I wish I had the money to do another personality assessment to see how his story has changed. I know it isn't as easy as asking him to draw a picture of someone in the rain -- but if it was, I imagine now he would draw a picture of a kid with his friends, under an umbrella or in some shelter, and his mom there or whatever. So much has changed. He changed his story.

I know this is personal inventory and I'm talking about my son, but his healing story is so entangled with mine.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing all this is because I wondered how much of the story we tell ourselves defines us. For S13, he started therapy, I was in therapy, we moved out of the house and began a whole new life without N/BPDx. That in and of itself changed how I saw myself, and I imagine it did the same for him.

But I wonder if it's possible to tell ourselves our own story. Do all stories have to be shaped by what is reflected back to us? Or can we tell ourselves stories we want to believe in, ones that are healthy for us. When we come from dysfunctional families, we believe they have this power over us that will last forever because that's the story we inherited from the first people who defined our sense of family or intimacy or love. What if we decided to tell ourselves a different story? Instead of "I am on my own, no one is here to help, I cannot do anything right, I make mistakes, I'm clumsy, I am the dumb one or the fat one or the whatever" we instead tell ourselves, "I am going to try this and if I fail, I will still be me." Or, "I am someone who can trust someone else."

What is the story you tell yourself? Do you think you can transform that story into one that works better for you? Or does that story change only when your life changes.

[livednlearned]

My son did a personality assessment almost 4 years ago when he was 9. A skilled child psychologist worked with him over six sessions using unstructured and structured prompts. Before we got started, I met with the psychologist for 30 minutes to talk about the process, what the output would be, what a personality assessment was, etc. He also wanted me to know what it wasn't, that it wasn't therapy, that sometimes he can see signs of learning challenges, but he could only recommend more testing, he didn't do that testing. Etc.

Some of the assignments were things like ":)raw a picture of someone in the rain." Or finish this sentence, "I know it is going to be a long day when... ." Basically six hours of that kind of stuff.

So my son goes to all these sessions, and at the end, the psychologist sends a report that is so accurate I felt like he cheated and talked to my therapist and asked her what was going on in our lives. My therapist explained to me that the personality assessment is designed to figure out what stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, and that the psychologist was able to learn what my son's story was through these prompts. It was more than details about our lives, like having an alcoholic father and that kind of thing. It was about who my son thought he was.

I didn't really understand the significance of it until now. One thing that made me cry, and still does, is that my son was 9, but all of the people he drew were stick figures and none of them had faces.  :'(  The psychologist said that, in combination with other patterns that he noticed in his analysis, my son was stuffing his feelings or being flooded by them. He had no tools to deal with feelings.

He also said that my son, when asked to draw a picture of rain with a person (or however he phrased it) drew a picture of a kid in the rain with the rain pellets all coming at him from every direction. I guess some kids will draw a picture of their whole family under an umbrella with the sun shining above them and rain falling down the sides. Kids draw whatever emotional reality they know -- they don't even realize that drawing a picture of someone in the rain is a way to show how they feel about stress. When the psychologist asked my son what was happening in the picture, he said "This guy is getting wet, but he has an umbrella somewhere. His mom has one for him." When asked how the guy felt about being in the rain, my son said, "I don't know. He just is wet." The stick figure didn't have a face, there was no way to tell how he felt.

The psychologist told me that my son presented a lot of signs for a kid "at risk," but that my son seemed to think that there was someone who would help him. That being me. He said that a child who tells himself a story about someone being there to help was important, because that meant he would accept help. And so we started therapy for S13 and started the slow work of healing.

I wish I had the money to do another personality assessment to see how his story has changed. I know it isn't as easy as asking him to draw a picture of someone in the rain -- but if it was, I imagine now he would draw a picture of a kid with his friends, under an umbrella or in some shelter, and his mom there or whatever. So much has changed. He changed his story.

I know this is personal inventory and I'm talking about my son, but his healing story is so entangled with mine.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing all this is because I wondered how much of the story we tell ourselves defines us. For S13, he started therapy, I was in therapy, we moved out of the house and began a whole new life without N/BPDx. That in and of itself changed how I saw myself, and I imagine it did the same for him.

But I wonder if it's possible to tell ourselves our own story. Do all stories have to be shaped by what is reflected back to us? Or can we tell ourselves stories we want to believe in, ones that are healthy for us. When we come from dysfunctional families, we believe they have this power over us that will last forever because that's the story we inherited from the first people who defined our sense of family or intimacy or love. What if we decided to tell ourselves a different story? Instead of "I am on my own, no one is here to help, I cannot do anything right, I make mistakes, I'm clumsy, I am the dumb one or the fat one or the whatever" we instead tell ourselves, "I am going to try this and if I fail, I will still be me." Or, "I am someone who can trust someone else."

What is the story you tell yourself? Do you think you can transform that story into one that works better for you? Or does that story change only when your life changes.

[PrettyPlease]

What is the story you tell yourself? Do you think you can transform that story into one that works better for you? Or does that story change only when your life changes.

Hi livednlearned

Intriguing post, and a subject I've given a lot of thought to over the years -- and told a lot of stories about. 

The short answer for me: I believe the story we tell ourselves about who we are now can be inaccurate or accurate, relative to how we actually function in the world. I've read this referred to as 'self-calibration'. I think this is important, and if the self-calibration is off, I've read (somewhere, I can't remember where) it's a strong indicator of psychopathology.

But then, you're asking about whether purposely changing that story to lead ourselves -- in some ways like a carrot in front of a donkey -- will be inaccurate to begin with but will lead us to be better later, when we catch up with our story -- is that what you mean?

Or, do you mean the inverse, that telling ourselves negative stories (which are more negative than we really are) will lead us to eventually be like that?

Anyway, IMO, it's more important for the story to be accurate, and to make a small change in it and see what happens. I think this works better than it being inaccurate and trying to use the story to generate a large change.

Another part of this is the relation between what we'll tell ourselves and what we'll tell someone else (about ourselves).

If you offer me a carrot I can probably work up a good story about that one for you.      

PP

[Blimblam]

lived and learn,

I remember when I was  young around maybe 10 I talked to a councelor and they told me if I was a game which I would be.  I chose kick the can, but based off of the episode of the twilight zone where the old people kick the can and live a different life. I suppose I was an at risk child that didn't handle stress well. The main issue I remember was not having my feelings validated and always being bossed around and or punished. My parents never showed me a vulnerable side to them. To get me to agree to something as to recognize they are human and have a soft side that I should nurture between us both.  It is that connection that changes everything. A good depictions of that sort of bond is shown in batman begins between bruce wayne and his father. It made me cry the last time I saw it.

[Vatz]

You know, this brings back a memory of a time I was forced to go to a shrink when I was around 12-ish. Fifth grade. They were taking calling us out of class. Apparently it was to take some exam. I thought I was in trouble and said ":)on't make me kill myself." It was a crappy attempt at humor. I didn't mean it in a "I'm going to... ." manner. My thought process was I sort of pictured the adults forcing us to kill ourselves in some unknown back-room of the school, or shooting us execution-style. I wasn't serious, but I suppose the thought process alone said much. It was a joke, but somewhere in my mind there was this belief that if they really wanted to, the adults, the ones in charge could simply kill some of us off if they felt like it. By then I had gotten used to fat jokes directed at me and believed that if ever there was a "culling of the weak," I'd be on that list. I was 12.

When I went to the shrink, I lied. I tried my best to give what would be "proper" responses. When asked if I ever wanted powers, I said "Telekenesis." She asked why. When I pictured it, I pictured terrorizing anyone who so much as looked at me funny. I pictured revenge on people who thought themselves better. But when I answered I said "Well, I could use it to help people." I tried to come off as a "good boy."

I hid it because I knew even then that a poor evaluation would be a mark on me. I might be sent to some school for delinquents, or be forced to ride the short-bus. Talking about how I really felt meant I would be condemned. In some ways I lived "1984." I hid my real thoughts because my parents told me to. Display normalcy at all times. It was a dumb move on their part. But I understand why they did it. They come from the Soviet Union, my father lived under Stalin's reign the first 13 years of his life. "Ne Baltai" means ":)on't Talk." Propaganda. The word "talk" though, given the context was, don't talk too much or too freely. People did disappear. That was the attitude they had. Hide your weakness, don't talk to much because everyone will turn on you the second you're marked as a defect. Because neighbors turned on each other back then. The saddest bit, my father is the kindest person I know. He'd do anything for his kids. Those were just the tools he had, he loved us and didn't want to see us suffer, we were his blood after all.

It kind of made sense that I was violent and liked to fight other kids. If I could dominate and break them, they would not be a concern. I'd be one step closer to having a sense of security, that my life can't be taken away at any time by someone else. The attitude still persists. If I'm better, smarter, more attractive, then I could dominate and get what I want, what I *need.* Warmth, love and intimacy is only allowed to those who dominate the weak. F*ck all that lovey-dovey garbage, our worth is an objective thing to be measured.

I might never lose this outlook.

[livednlearned]

lived and learn,

I remember when I was  young around maybe 10 I talked to a councelor and they told me if I was a game which I would be.  I chose kick the can, but based off of the episode of the twilight zone where the old people kick the can and live a different life. I suppose I was an at risk child that didn't handle stress well. The main issue I remember was not having my feelings validated and always being bossed around and or punished. My parents never showed me a vulnerable side to them. To get me to agree to something as to recognize they are human and have a soft side that I should nurture between us both.  It is that connection that changes everything. A good depictions of that sort of bond is shown in batman begins between bruce wayne and his father. It made me cry the last time I saw it.

I wonder though if the story we tell ourselves is a choice, and that it is parallel to what occurred in our childhoods. How much is choice?

For example, a boy who escaped untold horrors, including learning his father being killed by Croats (for being ethnically Muslim, even though the family was atheist), then relocates to the Uk with other refugees from the same war, but is Muslim among Croats, even the kids continue to fight along ethic lines, and he is continually beaten for being Muslim. Then he moves to the US and again, as a kid, finds himself being singled out for being one of a few whites among black kids. He then grows up to be one of the happiest guys -- marries a wonderful woman. Becomes very successful and accomplished. But the story he tells himself is that he is lucky. He focuses on the strokes of luck that helped his siblings and mom survive, the tiny kindnesses along the way that helped them survive. Why does he feel lucky and not despair? How is he able to feel happy about that tragic childhood?

[livednlearned]

I might never lose this outlook.

It wasn't easy what you experienced. Middle school is cruel no matter who your parents are, from what I can tell watching my son go through it.

But why do you think you might never lose this outlook? What would prevent you from wanting to have a different story you tell yourself -- about trusting people, about getting close, about the true motives of other people, about having a mask. I'm trying to understand this myself. I also have some defenses that are in me, and I wonder how much "me" they are, whether they will endure.

[livednlearned]

What is the story you tell yourself? Do you think you can transform that story into one that works better for you? Or does that story change only when your life changes.

Hi livednlearned

Intriguing post, and a subject I've given a lot of thought to over the years -- and told a lot of stories about.  

The short answer for me: I believe the story we tell ourselves about who we are now can be inaccurate or accurate, relative to how we actually function in the world. I've read this referred to as 'self-calibration'. I think this is important, and if the self-calibration is off, I've read (somewhere, I can't remember where) it's a strong indicator of psychopathology.

But inaccurate or accurate according to who? I hadn't heard about the self-calibration stuff. I'll have to learn more about that. For me, the story I've told myself was a combination of positive and negative, but both have had negative effects, if that makes sense.

For example, I had to suspend some of my own "story" in order to date again. I willed myself to believe things that were counter to what I had grown up to take as truth. When I started dating, I felt like two people. Healthy me trying out a new story, and unhealthy me, who believed all men were xyz. I wanted to see how someone responded to me when I suspended belief in my story. It wasn't me faking anything -- I just imagined, What if this person is kind and good? What if I allow myself to believe that it's ok to get to know someone, and be intimate. This is how I might respond.

It sounds a bit dumb and hokey when I write it like that. The core thing happening was that I was believing I was someone who was loved -- even if only by me. This is how a person who feels loved behaves. That's the new story running through my head. It wasn't quite this overt, this is mostly me reflecting back on that experience.

The surprising thing is that it seems to have worked, or is working. I'm lovable, this is the story I tell myself, therefore others treat me like someone who is lovable. My BF treats me in ways I consider lovable, and I do the same. Easy enough, but only because I had to stop believing in this story that I was damaged goods, or not worthy, or unlovable, or weak.

But then, you're asking about whether purposely changing that story to lead ourselves -- in some ways like a carrot in front of a donkey -- will be inaccurate to begin with but will lead us to be better later, when we catch up with our story -- is that what you mean?

Yes, I think so.

Or, do you mean the inverse, that telling ourselves negative stories (which are more negative than we really are) will lead us to eventually be like that?

I think they're the same thing. Except for me, I believe that the negative story was the real one, the only one. Like my dysfunctional family knew who I was, instead of shaping me into who I became.

Anyway, IMO, it's more important for the story to be accurate, and to make a small change in it and see what happens. I think this works better than it being inaccurate and trying to use the story to generate a large change.

But that's assuming that telling yourself a story about yourself is ever accurate.

Another part of this is the relation between what we'll tell ourselves and what we'll tell someone else (about ourselves).

I found -- at least in the healing stages -- that I could only really handle my own story as told to myself, with some hypothesis testing when others were near. What happens when I believe I am this person? Then I would check to see how that felt, how others responded, how I reacted.

[Vatz]

I might never lose this outlook.

It wasn't easy what you experienced. Middle school is cruel no matter who your parents are, from what I can tell watching my son go through it.

But why do you think you might never lose this outlook? What would prevent you from wanting to have a different story you tell yourself -- about trusting people, about getting close, about the true motives of other people, about having a mask. I'm trying to understand this myself. I also have some defenses that are in me, and I wonder how much "me" they are, whether they will endure.

It's a blanket and it numbs the pain. Anything else seems like purposefully allowing weakness in myself.

Trust means little. I can *trust* someone all I want, but facts are facts. People lie, people betray. They do so because they weigh the pros and cons, conscience is nothing more than whether or not you catch more flak than disloyalty rewards. There's no other way about it. I've been faithful because no one else wants me. I have no choice but to remain faithful to a partner. Had I more options, I don't think I'm above betrayal. After what I've experienced, I don't think I care anymore.

Every day living, I'm polite, I take care of business and I'm decent enough to people. Folks might even say they like me and my attitude. But that's every day, and you don't get all that close. They don't see much of what really goes on.

Intimate relationships are different. They're cutthroat. Watch a few nature documentaries, see how animals just don't give a ___. Humans aren't different. I wouldn't have these problems if I was objectively more attractive. Taller, more handsome. Think about it. My life would have been different, I'd have a nicer outlook. It's like this picture I saw. There's three fish. The smallest getting eaten says "Life isn't fair." The middle one eating the small one, but getting eaten by the big one says "Life is sometimes fair. The biggest one not getting eaten says "Life is fair." Life is like that. I'm a small fish, and I deserve what I get, and life doesn't really improve by much. I'll always be short (being short never bothered me until I realized just how undesirable that made me to the opposite sex,) I'll always be bland, and I'll always be looked over. Sure people might be nice to me, but that's because they're out in public and they're not that close. As for intimacy... .I don't see anyone taking a genuine liking to me. I've had enough life experience to confirm these thoughts. Attractive people never have to worry about being attractive. They are so they see it as "oh it'll be fine." Because it has been for them. Not for me, so ___ what I want in life, I'm not allowed to have it, mother nature and Darwin say so. Natural selection is my higher power (I don't believe in religion,) and unlike all the others, it doesn't bother pretending to give a damn about you. I don't see any different because I can't. I just... .I don't know, have you ever really tried to picture something nice but always knew that it's just never going to happen. That's how it is. Being with someone with whom I share mutual attraction, and who doesn't betray my trust may as well be the lottery. I don't see it happening.

As for friends, really close friends? That too seems unlikely. No one is going to want to know the "real" me. The real me suffers from depression and isn't much fun. So I gotta put on a face to keep the loneliness from closing in on me. I'm trapped in a crappy body and mind, I can't feel free and optimistic.


I'm sorry that your son is having a hard time. Kids shouldn't have emotional baggage. I think if anything, that may be the one thing I try not to apply that "survival of the fittest" philosophy. I remember being a kid, and I remember feeling small and helpless. If any group doesn't deserve some of the bad stuff that happens in life, it's them. I got a niece who for a while seemed like she had some self-esteem issues. Might still have 'em. Trusts me enough to talk about it sometimes. Not an easy thing to see. Apparently her step-dad isn't much of a father figure, and her real dad is sort of like... .I don't know... .the guy's a sack of garbage that used to beat my half-sister and nephew. My niece was too young to see it. He's her father and she loves him by default, but... .

Anyway, she seems to always look forward to hanging out with me and her brother. I think he and I might be the only male figures in her life. At least from what I've seen. I don't ever want her to think and be like me. It's not living, and she's a smart and talented kid that deserves better.

[PrettyPlease]

... .I had to stop believing in this story that I was damaged goods, or not worthy, or unlovable, or weak.

[snip]... .

I believe that the negative story was the real one, the only one. Like my dysfunctional family knew who I was, instead of shaping me into who I became.

Yes, AFAIK this is the main mode of dysfunctional families -- use the ad hominem argument and train the children to accept it. Never mind that it's a logical fallacy and not accepted in a court of law: you can't be guilty 'because you are evil'. It's circular and there's no way out except by refusing to accept it at all. Which I assume you've realized and transcended repeatedly -- but of course early training being what it is, it's easy to fall back into accepting it. 

But that's assuming that telling yourself a story about yourself is ever accurate.

But I think that's our only reasonable alternative -- once we refuse the ad hominem charges against us, we must begin to build up who we really are by our own experiments in the outside world and by listening to other people who we trust. It's a moving target, sure, and there's no 'perfect accuracy', but over time we can get close to being accurate about our own skills, our effect on other people, their effect on us, our capacity to love and be loved. And I think reaching a 'sufficient' level of accuracy about these things is the best way to have a ground zero to start making changes in ourselves. So that if some of what we find out about ourselves isn't as nice as we'd like, we can work on it, directly and honestly.

In contrast, if we don't know how much of that baggage is real, and we start from that mysterious position and say, well, maybe if I tell myself a really nice story about who I am, I'll become that -- what's going to happen? My guess is that usually not much. 

I found -- at least in the healing stages -- that I could only really handle my own story as told to myself, with some hypothesis testing when others were near. What happens when I believe I am this person? Then I would check to see how that felt, how others responded, how I reacted.

This sounds to me very much like you're doing what I was saying above: testing your experience in the real world and others' reactions to you, and learning about yourself through that.

The only difference seems to be your use of 'when I believe I am this person' -- a level of abstraction, of thinking about what you're doing... .--but is that part really necessary? Aren't you primarily doing things and then seeing the result? In other words, is 'telling yourself a story' always -- or even often -- part of the decision mechanism for those actions?

I say this as a person with a near-continuous internal dialog and analysis, who thinks about nearly everything before and after I do it -- and regardless of this, I don't believe that the story I tell myself about myself has a direct effect on my actions. That story is being told in my conscious mind, and most of my decisions for action are the result of a multi-stakeholder roundtable that occurs largely out of conscious awareness, in a split second.

At least, that's the story I tell myself.   

PP

[Blimblam]

Livedandlearn,

There is a period in adolescence where we get a big surge of narcissism enough to form a new identity and the way we relate to our own situations. It can be a huge driving force for change. Rebelling against what the outside world tells us we are. To prove oneself in the world to ones self. I still think the inner demons of childhood lurk within the unconscious though. The story and how one relates to it can change to become successful and well adjusted in society.

[livednlearned]

... .I had to stop believing in this story that I was damaged goods, or not worthy, or unlovable, or weak.

[snip]... .

I believe that the negative story was the real one, the only one. Like my dysfunctional family knew who I was, instead of shaping me into who I became.

Yes, AFAIK this is the main mode of dysfunctional families -- use the ad hominem argument and train the children to accept it. Never mind that it's a logical fallacy and not accepted in a court of law: you can't be guilty 'because you are evil'. It's circular and there's no way out except by refusing to accept it at all. Which I assume you've realized and transcended repeatedly -- but of course early training being what it is, it's easy to fall back into accepting it. 

But that's assuming that telling yourself a story about yourself is ever accurate.

But I think that's our only reasonable alternative -- once we refuse the ad hominem charges against us, we must begin to build up who we really are by our own experiments in the outside world and by listening to other people who we trust. It's a moving target, sure, and there's no 'perfect accuracy', but over time we can get close to being accurate about our own skills, our effect on other people, their effect on us, our capacity to love and be loved. And I think reaching a 'sufficient' level of accuracy about these things is the best way to have a ground zero to start making changes in ourselves. So that if some of what we find out about ourselves isn't as nice as we'd like, we can work on it, directly and honestly.

In contrast, if we don't know how much of that baggage is real, and we start from that mysterious position and say, well, maybe if I tell myself a really nice story about who I am, I'll become that -- what's going to happen? My guess is that usually not much.

I guess I'm thinking of the negative "story" as something largely unconscious that formed during a dysfunctional childhood, and along with that came coping skills and self beliefs that maybe worked when we were under duress, but we no longer need them as adults, yet cling to them because that's all we know. Recognizing the "baggage" is part of healing, understanding that some of our stuff is a result of the dysfunctional environment in which we were raised. But the "story" seems even deeper than that. When I look at my coping skills and focus on them, and try to change them because they don't serve me anymore, that feels like "do this instead of that." As opposed to deep healing that is about grieving or healing the emotional loss, a childhood that was abusive or cruel or brutal, that can never be anything other than what it was. Telling myself something without checking in with reality, including my own and others, would be fantasy or delusion. "Accuracy" -- as much as that's possible -- would be about feeling that I'm whole and worthy, that I am loved, I am capable of love, and I'm lovable, just for being here, period. A whole feeling.

I found -- at least in the healing stages -- that I could only really handle my own story as told to myself, with some hypothesis testing when others were near. What happens when I believe I am this person? Then I would check to see how that felt, how others responded, how I reacted.

This sounds to me very much like you're doing what I was saying above: testing your experience in the real world and others' reactions to you, and learning about yourself through that.

The only difference seems to be your use of 'when I believe I am this person' -- a level of abstraction, of thinking about what you're doing... .--but is that part really necessary? Aren't you primarily doing things and then seeing the result? In other words, is 'telling yourself a story' always -- or even often -- part of the decision mechanism for those actions?

I say this as a person with a near-continuous internal dialog and analysis, who thinks about nearly everything before and after I do it -- and regardless of this, I don't believe that the story I tell myself about myself has a direct effect on my actions. That story is being told in my conscious mind, and most of my decisions for action are the result of a multi-stakeholder roundtable that occurs largely out of conscious awareness, in a split second.

It feels like a bit of both for me. A little bit of abstract storytelling has actually been profoundly important. But it has been hard to process what was reflected back when I try a different narrative in my conscious mind. I don't mean making up a complete story -- we think that story means fiction. I'm using it to try and figure out what I say about myself to myself that doesn't seem to be working. If childhood is "true" then the stories I tell myself are real: There is no reason to ask for help because none is coming. It is better to suffer silently because people will love me for that. Getting angry at someone is dangerous. My feelings are wrong. I am wrong. No one notices me when I am here. No one notices me when I am not here. Asking for what I want opens me to ridicule or rejection. Avoiding people is a useful strategy. Etc. When my boss tells me she believes I am good at something, it jams into something inside me that says, "You are weak" which is the deep story. Then there is a coping reaction that says, "You are exceptional, you are strong." I feel false, like being both of things will be discovered, because they can't go together. I am learning to tell myself, "This feels nice, that someone says this. I feel good. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing because it makes me feel good." Does that make sense? Instead of "I am nothing" or "I better be the best."

I feel hyperaware of anything in me that is narcissistic. Narcissistic traits feel conditioned, things I learned from my dad, that narcissists = strong, intelligent, high-achieving, deserving. My way of coping was to decide I wasn't going to be weak, despite being the most vulnerable in the family. Most of my coping mechanisms are about defining myself as strong. Even when I was being abused by N/BPDx, I was thinking, "I'm strong enough for this. I'm not weak."

What I'm telling myself is stuff like, "It is ok to reveal that I'm feeling insecure." There is a risk, and I know that. The hypothesis of "When I am vulnerable, good things happen" is becoming "When I am vulnerable, better things happen, even if sometimes I feel sad about how others respond."

It's hard to explain this stuff in text 

[PrettyPlease]

I guess I'm thinking of the negative "story" as something largely unconscious that formed during a dysfunctional childhood,

O well in that case... . —yes, it's hard to do this in text; we assume 'story' means the same to all at the beginning. But I was assuming a use of story that meant a consciously told story. You didn't mean that. So, at least some of what I said doesn't apply.

"Accuracy" -- as much as that's possible -- would be about feeling that I'm whole and worthy, that I am loved, I am capable of love, and I'm lovable, just for being here, period. A whole feeling.

I understand. And in the unconscious story, the feelings are not "accurate" when you've lived through a dysfunctional regime during the impressionable developmental-window years, infancy and early childhood. Emotional responses are suppressed, warped, replaced, and internally- instead of externally-triggered.

If childhood is "true" then the stories I tell myself are real: There is no reason to ask for help because none is coming. It is better to suffer silently because people will love me for that. Getting angry at someone is dangerous. My feelings are wrong. I am wrong. No one notices me when I am here. No one notices me when I am not here. Asking for what I want opens me to ridicule or rejection. Avoiding people is a useful strategy. Etc.

I have my own set of these, as will most of the people on this site. And they were a "true" response to a bad situation, and worked for us at the time. If we could leave them when we left the FOO, it would be fine. We don't. The generalization of them to contexts outside that situation is the curse of the human condition -- the flip side of it being our greatest strength (relative to most animals) of being able to plan for the future. We plan based on our experiences. We learn really really well. Too well.

I am learning to tell myself, "This feels nice, that someone says this. I feel good. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing because it makes me feel good." Does that make sense? Instead of "I am nothing" or "I better be the best."

Awesome.    Yes it makes sense. With one caveat: since the emotions can also be trained inappropriately by the dysfunctional early learning, it would be possible to have something that 'makes [you] feel good' that's actually part of the dysfunctional unconscious early story -- say an alcohol addiction, or cutting (or eating sugar, for that matter). You don't mean that here, but I'm back to the 'self-calibration' and 'accuracy' again. With much self-analysis, and help from Ts and well-balanced friends and people on this list and life experiences, we weed out the emotional (as well as non-emotional) dysfunctional stories from the healthy ones. And go with the healthy ones. So the simple fact of it making you feel good isn't, on its own, enough. 

Most of my coping mechanisms are about defining myself as strong. Even when I was being abused by N/BPDx, I was thinking, "I'm strong enough for this. I'm not weak."

Me too. A good teacher I had called these 'Beliefs of Confidence', and opened my eyes to the fact that believing that you're good at things can be just as compelling and just as destructive as believing that you're bad at things.

What I'm telling myself is stuff like, "It is ok to reveal that I'm feeling insecure." There is a risk, and I know that. The hypothesis of "When I am vulnerable, good things happen" is becoming "When I am vulnerable, better things happen, even if sometimes I feel sad about how others respond."

Very nicely said. Thank you.