Hate

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I just cant fathom the hate she has. I treated her the best. How she did things was just was weird. Just totally out of the norm, has a boy friend yet pputs 11 k in cabinets in the kitchen then walks away, plus leaves all the new appliances she bought. It makes no sense.

[peiper]

I just cant fathom the hate she has. I treated her the best. How she did things was just was weird. Just totally out of the norm, has a boy friend yet pputs 11 k in cabinets in the kitchen then walks away, plus leaves all the new appliances she bought. It makes no sense.

[fromheeltoheal]

I just cant fathom the hate she has.

My experience is most of her hate was self-hate, projected on me, and then of course the way the disorder plays out there must always be a scapegoat, a dumping ground for the sht, and you were it this time with yours.

It makes no sense.

  Mental illnesses don't at first, especially when we're surprised by it when we're enmeshed.  Learn about the disorder and more will become clear.

So what are you going to do now?

[myself]

PwBPD don't really feel connected. To anyone, or anything. When it seems like they do, they're acting. They're scrambling. They're scared. Someone who will walk away from their soul mate probably wouldn't think much about material possessions, either. Want it, but can't stand it when they have it.

[goldylamont]

someone else here recently stated something similar to: "BPD is easy to understand but incredibly hard to accept."

i forget who said it and wish i can remember, but i think this is a great and true statement. your pwBPD probably hates you with the same vengeance that she hates the person/people who abused her as a child (or that she perceives abused her). and as someone else mentioned, she hates herself as well. all of this hate is projected onto you. i think this is easy to understand, yet it takes time to accept. but this is what's going on.

[hergestridge]

You can intellecualise and understand all you want, but your limbic system won't tolerate behavior that "don't make sense". It's working overtime trying to make sense of what's going on and when it's not working out it tells you to run.

It takes an awful lot of effort and zen to live with someone with BPD and I suppose they have to really be something special, because you have to have to spend much of your life fending off abuse and setting boundaries.

[Infared]

someone else here recently stated something similar to: "BPD is easy to understand but incredibly hard to accept."

i forget who said it and wish i can remember, but i think this is a great and true statement. your pwBPD probably hates you with the same vengeance that she hates the person/people who abused her as a child (or that she perceives abused her). and as someone else mentioned, she hates herself as well. all of this hate is projected onto you. i think this is easy to understand, yet it takes time to accept. but this is what's going on.

For me, what you are saying makes perfect sense as to what happened in the end after the new supply was confirmed. I know this is who she is... .It been years and I think my heart may finally be catching up to my brain and accepting this.  I don't know if all of me will ever fully accept what went down... .but I believe, because of her mental illness she put ALL of her hatred on me... .the person who cared about her the most.  It's twisted.

[hergestridge]

I think it can't be stated enough that understanding and accepting BPD behavior is not the natural thing do. It is an exceptional feat, not to say unnatural. I think that is good to remember when we struggle.

[Mutt]

I agree is difficult hergestridge. A goal can be to become indifferent and to depersonalize the behavior. It will help with acceptance and to deal with the acting out after the r/s is over. I was emotionally invested or "walking on eggshells" because I understood she's emotionally immature - acting out like a small child.

My 3 year olds tantrums remind me a lot of my ex. You wait it out and he's simply frustrated which could be because he's having difficulties expressing his needs. I find a lot of his actions and behaviors run parallel to exes. A child in an adult's body. It is sad that she doesn't have the capacity to evolve.

[hergestridge]

I have a four year old daughter and I have to remind myself that HER behavior is natural and not BPD. It's scary because I associate the tantrums and that with my xwife's dysregulations. Funny (but sad) is that my daughter has just excelled the xwife in solving conflicts! :-D

[OutOfEgypt]

I basically agree with the others.  It is like dealing with a petulant child.  I was talking to my T about this a bit yesterday.  They don't really operate on the same level as us or other people, where we might feel guilt or have empathy or what-not.  They are more want/need oriented, complete with manipulation, temper tantrums, and hatred of anyone who threatens to shine a light on their insane behavior.  If you keep trying to figure her out and look at her in terms of a rational adult, you will be doing it forever.   Let her go, my friend.  You are right -it doesn't make any sense, which is another good reason to let her go.

[hergestridge]

Sorry for the rant, but I just want to elaborate on what I wrote earlier regarding the comparison between my xwife and m 4 year old daughter.

My daughter is big time into computer games right now, and she plays a lot of the "kid's games" on her own while I do other things around the house. Often she gets stuck and starts asking me for help, which turns into nagging when I don't have time to help her out. However, after I have told her a couple of times that I don't have time to help she just says "Ok dad!"... .then she stops nagging.

That NEVER happened with my xwife. She almost never stopped bothering me, never listened to me when I told her i didn't have the time. When (or rather... .if) my wife eventually gave up trying to get my attention she did so without a comment by just ignoring me altogether since she couldn't get what she wanted from me anyway. I NEVER heard her say things like "Ok, I see. I'll do it myself then".

I realize now that my daughter is treating me like a person while my xwife always treated me like an object. I never realised when I was with her that she didn't show me the basic respect I should expect.

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry for the rant, but I just want to elaborate on what I wrote earlier regarding the comparison between my xwife and m 4 year old daughter.

My daughter is big time into computer games right now, and she plays a lot of the "kid's games" on her own while I do other things around the house. Often she gets stuck and starts asking me for help, which turns into nagging when I don't have time to help her out. However, after I have told her a couple of times that I don't have time to help she just says "Ok dad!"... .then she stops nagging.

That NEVER happened with my xwife. She almost never stopped bothering me, never listened to me when I told her i didn't have the time. When (or rather... .if) my wife eventually gave up trying to get my attention she did so without a comment by just ignoring me altogether since she couldn't get what she wanted from me anyway. I NEVER heard her say things like "Ok, I see. I'll do it myself then".

I realize now that my daughter is treating me like a person while my xwife always treated me like an object. I never realised when I was with her that she didn't show me the basic respect I should expect.

Yes, impulse control is something we learn as we develop.  Young kids want instant gratification and assume the world revolves around them, so do people who stop developing due to traumas that create disorders.  GREAT NEWS that it sounds like your daughter didn't inherit the same pathology!

[allweareisallweare]

It took a lot of XAN for the ex to live with me... .is it really self-hate? Do they loathe themselves? There is something deeply and badly flawed in a Borderline's DNA for sure. I question the self-hate thing - perhaps I don't understand it or that I don't think it was a major player in my experience. I know that I am painted black in my ex's eyes and I know that she was an extremely hateful person and this manifested itself over the course of the relationship and beyond. I don't think she can understand that she has a Cluster B type PD that will continue to wreak disorder for the rest of her born days. Is denial self-hate? Do BPD hate themselves? 

If she applies the defence-mechanisms (BPD is about deploying those, about 'hating' a spouse, about thinking that they're in the wrong just because the BPD can't fathom or function on a basic rational level in a rel) and if denial - of the illness and of its significance and of the need to accept it - is about defending themselves versus some imagined slight or attack, the stigma of the disorder, etc then I don't know. I don't know if my ex hated herself per se. I do know that rage and anger can be externalised and directed to the perceived perpetrators. I do know that nons are equally capable of that. But they can think rationally and non B/W and non BPD.

I conclude:  Trust me, they are not capable of loving someone unconditionally. It's so sad. I both feel quite sad for her that she will never seemingly attain anything worthwhile, meaningful and stable. But at the same time her blatant failure to acknowledge the BPD and its part in the downfall of us will always be the sore point. She had no reason to hate me and she will scour the world over for someone who tried to contextualise the illness for her as subtly and as properly as I did. I just tried to help her, that's all, but it was beyond her.

[Mutt]

badly flawed in a Borderline's DNA

At the center of the disorder is the "core wound of abandonment"

Those diagnosed with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment because they have had a very psychologically wounding experience of abandonment - perceived or actual - in their early childhoods. The notion that "everything" BPD or "everything" having to do with lack of trust or abandonment fear has all to do with biology negates the reality that trauma, abuse, even unintentional neglect, in early childhood that ruptures attachment and bonding for the borderline has such an impact that it may well be a part of the changes that are now being reported in the biology (in the brain) of the borderline.

It is from what I have termed the "core wound of abandonment" (which Masterson calls "abandonment trauma" and Melanie Klein likened to "the death of the burgeoning authentic self" that is then lost to this abandonment experience that arrests the emotional and psychological development of those who go on to be diagnosed with BPD that the central issue for those with BPD is an intense fear of what they have already survived - this core wound of abandonment - this death of authentic self - this abandonment trauma is dissociated from by those with BPD and it is what all borderline defense mechanisms are designed to keep out of the conscious awareness of those with BPD.

As someone who recovered from BPD I know all about this intense fear of abandonment, the core wound of abandonment, what it is like to live in the absence of a known self and what one must do in therapy to find, re-connect and re-parent that lost authentic self to heal and resolve these abandonment issues and to recover. Borderlines are triggered to classic borderline emotional dysregulation that manifests everything borderline in relationships, especially, as this struggle between fearing being engulfed on the one side of borderline spitting and fearing being abandoned on the other side of BPD splitting manifests itself from the central reality in BPD - intense fear of abandonment.

What is fear of abandonment?

[MommaBear]

I just cant fathom the hate she has. I treated her the best. How she did things was just was weird. Just totally out of the norm, has a boy friend yet pputs 11 k in cabinets in the kitchen then walks away, plus leaves all the new appliances she bought. It makes no sense.

The hate is something I'm struggling with too. I gave him everything, pushed every limit I had, gave him a million chances, forgave, tried to forget even when he did it again and again, cried, screamed, begged, prayed, gave until it hurt then gave some more.

And he hates me with the intensity of 1000 suns.

All he cares about is validation, and now that he has a replacement, the hatred has intensified even more, and never, EVER lets up.

I don't get it either. All I know is that he's motivated by validation, and he's a fraud. Somewhere in there, it begins to make sense.

The posts on this thread have been amazing. I think you and I both should re-read them a few times!