If you could have had one thing ?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

 Hi all,

I don't post on this board much, infact never?  However read sometimes the experiences of people growing up with a BPD mom.  I myself have a 2 and a half year old son with a BPD partner, seperated now.  

My question to you, what would be the one consistant thing you would want from the non disordered parent looking back at your childhood.  I have issues with my mother being slighly NPD and I got my low self esteem from her constant ripping me apart and a fair few rages as well.  

Consistancy?  I don't know however I keep asking myself what is the most important thing other than being their for him.  Consistancy or a place where he can have a voice ?  I just would like opinions of those who have been there and done it so to speak.  

I found in the relationship there was no consistancy and I never had a voice.  I'm making sure I always encourage him to talk and I am as consistant as I can be at all times.  

[Aussie JJ]

 Hi all,

I don't post on this board much, infact never?  However read sometimes the experiences of people growing up with a BPD mom.  I myself have a 2 and a half year old son with a BPD partner, seperated now.  

My question to you, what would be the one consistant thing you would want from the non disordered parent looking back at your childhood.  I have issues with my mother being slighly NPD and I got my low self esteem from her constant ripping me apart and a fair few rages as well.  

Consistancy?  I don't know however I keep asking myself what is the most important thing other than being their for him.  Consistancy or a place where he can have a voice ?  I just would like opinions of those who have been there and done it so to speak.  

I found in the relationship there was no consistancy and I never had a voice.  I'm making sure I always encourage him to talk and I am as consistant as I can be at all times.  

[Harri]

A safe (as in normal) person present in my life.  Someone who would give me space to have a voice, provided a place of comfort, words of encouragement, consistent and appropriate discipline, and this person would never sacrifice me to save his own butt.

Basically, I wish I had someone who would have told me "it's not you, it's her.  You are bright and wonderful and so full of love and you deserve to be treated and disciplined with respect and dignity and to be celebrated for the wonderful person you are.  Mistakes are just learning opportunities, they do not define you".

Okay, so I know that is more than one thing... .but that is what I wish I had.

I wish you the very best. 

[Angi]

Hi Aussie,

I agree with Harri.

My parents didn´t seperate, but my dad moved to England when I was two and a half years old because of his job and my uBPD mum and I followed half a year later with my just born sister.

I went through this experience with my therapist long ago and learnt that in the mind of a child a loss like that could be and feel like a loss for ever. Grown ups know it is only for a few months and the missing person isn´t out of the world. They might not realize why a child is reacting as it is (sorrow, anger, …) – and a BPD mum notices nothing.

You are in a very difficult situation. I hope you will be able to agree with your ex to seeing your son regularly at a certain times in the week, which you have decided together and that are binding – for you as well as for your ex. I think that would help your son a lot. I have posted here before, that having a “normal” loving dad probably saved me (well – a lot of me  )

[claudiaduffy]

The one thing that meant the most to me was when my dad - who usually just loved on us and tried to minimize what my mom did - actually stopped her in her tracks a couple of times and stopped her from punishing me for something I didn't deserve punishment for. It got her on his case instead. I'll never know what he said to her to keep her from taking it out on me when he went to work, but there were just a handful of times when he actually outright protected me from her imbalances in a way that preserved both my dignity and hers.

I wish he'd been able to do more. I wish he had forced my mom to get psychiatric help if she was going to have us alone with her when things were so bad for so many years. I wish he'd kept track of the abusive things she was doing so he could have a record to show her - or the health professionals. I wish the protection hadn't been so minimal. He did more than a lot of non-dads, but I learned a lot of my doormat skills from him and I'm still un-learning them.

[PleaseValidate]

NOT to be lied to all the time.

[Aussie JJ]

Thankyou all,

At the moment I always let him ask questions, I validate everything and constantly tell him I love him.  I have started with boundarys about packing toys up and really enforcing that one doing it with him as I've noticed his mum doesn't make him clean up.  I always clean up with him as well as I know she never did this when living together. 

At present I am being as consistant as possible, he is such an amazing child and I want the world for him.  One thing I have already noticed is he will run to me at handovers and is hesitant when going back to her.  This kills me however I know long term if I'm that safe place to run to he will always be able to turn to me. 

Any additional points, don't limit it to things for 2 years old bring it on thankyou !