Communication breakdown

[PyneappleDays]

Does your BPD child get blamed for everything failing in a relationship family or otherwise?

What do you do when your family blames your BPD child for everything.

Yes my daughter has BPD, yes she does make bad decisions, have panic attacks phone when feeling somber and in a succession when she’s scared. Yes I fear for her future because no matter what I’m there to the end. I have no intention of kicking her to the cub because we don’t see eye to eye on how she lives her life. A part to lend a hand or direction or sounding board, not every cry is a cry for saving. Sometimes I just enjoy her company. Not every get together is an opportunity to tell her that she’s going down the wrong path lecture and question period. Yes I do correct her when I think that she’s crossed way over the line and need to apologize. Family members will tell her when what she’s done and said is wrong.  We do put her in her place.  We have been there for her since the beginning.  It is not for public scrutiny.  Not every problem needs to be solved.

I short she is not the problem.  There are other deciding factors.  She may have left because she seen things that were coming.

Sometimes a problem in a relationship is just that a communication breakdown that takes 2 parties that leave daughter in the midaughterle and apparently a sacrificial offering to the problem to fix.  Then that will solve all the problems in the relationship.  That fact that intimidating, threatening, getting angry and shutting down then turning around when I’m not around and spilling everything down and not to my face could be part of the problem.

The fact that you will tell anyone who will listen that daughter is the problem instead of the real problem is that they have faults all their own and trying to control everything fix’s nothing.  By telling people that I’m weak and that they’ve read a few passages in a book the makes them a doctor and can fix both of us.

Maybe the problem is that when we went away you were somber and never cracked a smile except people who you ran into and coming back all you said was “I did this for you”  not that we had a great time can’t wait til we do this again.  Unlike when we go you’re your functions and it’s “wait til next year it will be better running in to the same people.

But I suppose blaming daughter would be easier."

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Dear PyneappleDays,

my BPDd does get blamed for most everything, and usually it is her lack of emotional control that causes the upset or the issues. I am there for my dd until the very end also, and have not and will not ever t urn my back on her, but I do enable her.

My dd rages, and they are horrible. I am her usual target when she rages and I get the blame for everything wrong in her life. She is the typical BPD in that regard. What makes her different? She is my daughter, she is of my flesh and my blood, and there is no other BPD on this earth that is like her.

I refuse to condone behavior that is unacceptable or inappropriate , but I also refuse to allow others to be unkind to her.

In answer to your query, YES, there are times when she is just upset, or hurt or angry and it has absolutely nothing to do with BPD, but it is also quite difficult to discern the difference.

I have set boundaries and am working very hard on sticking to my guns. for instance if my BPDd is calling me names and cursing, she has crossed the line, the repercussion to that, I will remove myself from the situation immediately. my leaving the house when she is in a rage is self preservation for me, but it sends a clear message to her, she can not handle it when I leave, she panics and feels abandoned etc.

I did not truly abandon her, but I did let her know that what she has just done is unacceptable. hopefully she will learn from this and eventually be able to communicate without the bad language and name calling.

I understand how frustrated you are, and I hope you find a little understanding for others who deal with your BPD. We cannot shield them from life and we do have to allow them to take responsibility for all of their actions and the resulting fall out because of those actions. As hard as it may be.

[Rapt Reader]

Does your BPD child get blamed for everything failing in a relationship family or otherwise?

Interestingly enough, we do have that problem in our family... .Even now that my adult (37) dBPD son has been undergoing Therapies for more than a year and is really in recovery for it. His symptoms and behaviors are so much better, that only his Social Anxiety (which harms no one but himself, because he's nervous about hanging out with family members and having to answer all their questions about his tragic past) still needs working on.

His non-BPD younger brother (and his brother's wife) still use my older son as an excuse not to see us now and then; they fear his "toxic effect" on their toddler, whom my older son has yet been able to meet. So, it affects whether my husband and I even get to see our grandchild sometimes. They will not come to visit us, and we need to take the 5 hour drive to see them (which, of course, we do, as we love them too and are dedicated to keeping a good relationship with them).

I do understand the past hurts and angers that they harbor against my dBPD son, and know that it will take time for them to accept that he's changed and remorseful for the past and he won't relapse. I don't expect them to have the relationship with him that my Husband (their Dad) and I do. I totally do understand their "grudges" against him, so to speak... .I just wish that we could all as a family move on with the present. Because dBPD son is not the same as before his diagnosis and treatments, and I do think he and his brother (at least) could have a decent relationship. And he really wants to see the little one 

I guess the past is a hard nut to crack sometimes, and old thought patterns and hurts can take a long time to heal... .They've talked by phone, at least (the brothers), and those conversations have gone well. It's the getting over the hump of seeing him in person that has caused them trouble... .I just don't like it when they say that we (the 3 of us in my house) have a "toxic family" because I don't really agree with that... .Time, I'm sure, will heal this wound... .

[PyneappleDays]

Thanks for the responses

I'm never blind to things my daughter does on purpose or un-intentional.  I know the pattern.  I think it's just a cruel world that tosses their child out because they don't follow the norm.  If DD (BPD) has said something that offended them then they as adults need to work it out with her and not use me a go between and not say "I'm not having her in my house”.  They are family and family work things out.  I have tried to get this family member to go into counselling with daughter but they refuse or pass it to me.  This family member needs to learn that they are not a doctor and should not diagnose the problem their selves.  Lecturing daughter will not help.  Listening and telling her what they have a problem with is better than writing her off and calling her a "loser" or any other name.

I have fears of my own with daughter (I use daughter, I mean DD with BPD because I only have one).  I feel that if she moves back in she will try to regain control of the house and cause all kinds of problems.  She is not mean or vicious she can play mental games and can be extremely lazy with no motivation.  Which is why I think moving in is a bad idea.  Plus I have no plans to adopt her kid.  She needs to learn the hard way that if she doesn't get moving CAS will.  Honestly I believe that a child should grow up with a future plan and a ton of stability and family.  If it stays with daughter it will have a life of poverty even with me interfering.  I'm only guessing how my husband will be with the baby he breaks everything.

But honestly, that’s not what I’m talking about in this post.  My husband, who seems to think that when he doesn’t like something in our relationship shuts down, completely shut’s me out and stops talking to me. It can go on for days and weeks.  Then states that it’s because of DD did something and I didn't fix it.  She may not have anything to do with it but still blames her. He doesn’t notice that there are things he has done that I may have been mad at, but he will blame daughter anyway.

[Rapt Reader]

That sounds like a very tough, stressful situation, PyneappleDays 

Have you ever read the threads and Lessons on the Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner Board? I'm not saying that your Husband has BPD, but some of the behaviors that are the most frustrating and annoying to you are similar to BPD traits, and the information on that Board would be very helpful to you, I think. Also, if you post a thread about what you are dealing with, you will get lots of good advice and insights from members dealing with the same things you are--just maybe not with a BPD child involved.

I post on both the Parenting a Child Board and the Staying Board, and both are very helpful to me in my life (my Husband has BPD traits due to being brought up by his very BPD Mom... .). I'd love to see you over there, too, PyneappleDays 

[PyneappleDays]

This is new.  Things have been getting steadily worst.  Things are looking up for dd in the RTC.  There is a plan.

Now on the other side.  :)h has perminately  move into the spare bedroom and made a room for himself in the basement.  He has stated that my job is to wake up in the morning asking how can I improve my marriage.  :)d is an adult and can take care of herself.  She can move her own things.  If I don't improve I can move out of his house.  That he has had enough .  As a matter of fact I should not be in the house today I've made him upset.

He has criticized everything I've done.  So today when I pointed out that the doctor told him exactly what I've been telling him all along.  He told me I do nothing but climb on his back.

Now I know what people are thinking why don't i just leave?  It's not that simple.  There are triggers too many to start.  How do you get someone to recognize they have control and anger issues.  It's not always someone else's fault if everyone leaves you and it's not me I'm talking about.

[Kate4queen]

I'm so sorry this is causing such a breach in your family. My husband nearly gave up on me when I was way too busy trying to keep the peace and hold everything together between my BPD son, him and my other 3 children. It was awful for all of us. Would your husband consider going to counseling with you? I know that as the parent who was deeply enmeshed in my son's drama that I often failed my marriage for the expense of my son.  

[PyneappleDays]

He's agreed to councilling but what do you do when they give you an altimatum?  What kind of person does that?

Can this get turned around?  Then what?  There's no trust when the person who supposed to be there fore you is constantly not and what damage is done to dd and the grandchild?

Bpd or not it's not fair to them staying in a relationship where there's such contempt, a grudge and hard feelings?

[pessim-optimist]

I am so sorry you are experiencing so much stress... .

He's agreed to councilling but what do you do when they give you an altimatum?  What kind of person does that?

Can this get turned around?  Then what?  There's no trust when the person who supposed to be there fore you is constantly not and what damage is done to dd and the grandchild?

These issues aren't easy to work through, the counseling may help figure these issues out.

Bpd or not it's not fair to them staying in a relationship where there's such contempt, a grudge and hard feelings?

This is more complex, PyneappleDays... .

There is your marriage, and there is your relationship with your dd, and there is your husband's relationship with dd. These are separate relationships. Some may work, some may not... .

If your dd wasn't suffering from BPD, it probably wouldn't be a problem for her to keep a good relationship with you and a very limited r/s with your husband, if they don't get along. With BPD, it might be harder... .

We all hope that our families will be happy and that everyone will get along, but it doesn't always happen. Some family members aren't close.

The main issue is to figure out workable boundaries, so everyone is protected from everyone's negative impact... .

Hang in there, time will tell, you will figure out what works for your family... .