Should I Prepare for Break in NC?

[Hope0807]

What's the longest amount of time gone by before your BPD contacted you again?  Is there a good chance no matter how long there's been NC that I will hear from him in the future?

My divorce is almost final and part of me gets the sense I may NEVER hear from him once is all said and done, and the other part of me feels like just when I may least expect it, he may contact me.  I want to be prepared emotionally and to avoid being drawn back in.  I've even started to think about how I might handle a call from him or someone else regarding a suicide attempt since I have read that BPD is amongst the most dangerous of disorders due to the suicide numbers.  His lows have always concerned me and in combination with his drug use, I feel nothing will surprise me anymore.

Looking forward to your replies.

[Huh?]

I havent heard from the first one after she painted me black and cut me off 4 years ago.  The most recent has now painted me black and cut me off... .its been 6 weeks now, Im sure Ill never hear from her again.  She has a history of cutting people off, she didnt speak to her adulterer mother for 7 years.

So in my case at least, they dont always come back.  Man, youd think I was a horrible person... .I opened up car doors for both of them up until the very end.    Better stop doing that from here on I guess.  

[Hope0807]

You seriously dated more than one person with BPD? 

I havent heard from the first one after she painted me black and cut me off 4 years ago.  The most recent has now painted me black and cut me off... .its been 6 weeks now, Im sure Ill never hear from her again.  She has a history of cutting people off, she didnt speak to her adulterer mother for 7 years.

So in my case at least, they dont always come back.  Man, youd think I was a horrible person... .I opened up car doors for both of them up until the very end.    Better stop doing that from here on I guess.  

[Huh?]

You seriously dated more than one person with BPD? 

I havent heard from the first one after she painted me black and cut me off 4 years ago.  The most recent has now painted me black and cut me off... .its been 6 weeks now, Im sure Ill never hear from her again.  She has a history of cutting people off, she didnt speak to her adulterer mother for 7 years.

So in my case at least, they dont always come back.  Man, youd think I was a horrible person... .I opened up car doors for both of them up until the very end.    Better stop doing that from here on I guess.  

Yes.  I have some serious white knight issues I need to work on.  It wont happen again, I can guarantee that.  Its taken its toll.

[Hope0807]

Gosh, I'm so sorry.  You should watch the Youtube videos I've been watching on codependency and BPD.  It's eye opening, and although it may not be your situation in particular, the information is quite helpful.  I cannot allow myself to connect with someone this messed up ever again.  I really feel for you.

You seriously dated more than one person with BPD? 

I havent heard from the first one after she painted me black and cut me off 4 years ago.  The most recent has now painted me black and cut me off... .its been 6 weeks now, Im sure Ill never hear from her again.  She has a history of cutting people off, she didnt speak to her adulterer mother for 7 years.

So in my case at least, they dont always come back.  Man, youd think I was a horrible person... .I opened up car doors for both of them up until the very end.    Better stop doing that from here on I guess.  

Yes.  I have some serious white knight issues I need to work on.  It wont happen again, I can guarantee that.  Its taken its toll.

[Huh?]

Thanks.  I knew the signs going into the second one, I knew what to look for... .but I ignored them because she came with a glowing recommendation from a personal friend.  In the end, it was almost the exact same relationship... .minus accusations of cheating, which was a nice break.    

Anyway, thanks.  Yes, I definitely have codependency issues I will work on moving forward.  It wont happen again.

And Im sorry for you as well.  Its tough.  All I can say is learn from your mistakes and be on guard... .because honestly, I say this lightly but the definition of insanity truly is making the same mistakes over and over again.

That goes for meeting a new pwBPD, or recycling a ex pwBPD.  They literally are the same, I can say that from experience.

 

[Hope0807]

Thanks.  I knew the signs going into the second one, I knew what to look for... .but I ignored them because she came with a glowing recommendation from a personal friend.  In the end, it was almost the exact same relationship... .minus accusations of cheating, which was a nice break.    

Note taken:)

Anyway, thanks.  Yes, I definitely have codependency issues I will work on moving forward.  It wont happen again.

And Im sorry for you as well.  Its tough.  All I can say is learn from your mistakes and be on guard... .because honestly, I say this lightly but the definition of insanity truly is making the same mistakes over and over again.

That goes for meeting a new pwBPD, or recycling a ex pwBPD.  They literally are the same, I can say that from experience.

 

[Lolster]

What's the longest amount of time gone by before your BPD contacted you again?  Is there a good chance no matter how long there's been NC that I will hear from him in the future?

I'll go through them in order of appearance in my life. 

1) The ex husband - Still in contact with him due to our son.  He occasionally tries to drag out word ping pong episodes when justifying why he did something inappropriate like smoke weed in front of our son.  Didn't really try to come back into my life as such after 12 months following our 'real' split.  This left him mortally wounded as I had the police remove him from our home.  However, for a few years after he would occasionally remind me that I was still HIS wife. 

2) An online only 'relationship.'  This one used to come back anything from a day later when his rage subsided to 12 months later.  I suspect he made his returns from extended NC periods when other relationships had or were falling apart.  Haven't heard from this one in around 4 years.  Considering that it was only an online friendship this one was more extreme than any I have ever come across (in that he openly discuss his messed up childhood).  He would openly talk about his incestuous relationship he had with his sister whilst growing up (I suspect it was more a case of he abused her but couldn't actually understand that) and losing his virginity to his aunty! 

I thank god I never came across this man in real life and pity those that do.  I carried on talking to him as I was fascinated by just how messed up he was, and I probably still felt some sadness from not being able to 'fix' the exh.  He was around for approx. 2 years in total.  This one is most likely in prison/sectioned under the mental health act or dead, none of which would be a loss to society. 

3) A brief relationship I had following the break up with the ex husband - It lasted a few months and was long distance.  He completely freaked me out with the love bombing/idealisation and I ended it.  He was constantly trying to contact me for around a year or so.  He recently made a comeback via social media as I hadn't blocked him on there due to the fact that I'd never corresponded with him on there to begin with.  I was new to social media when I first met him as anything like that would have not been allowed by exh's insecurity.  So his comeback from NC seemed to be 6 years after the initial split, (discounting the text attempts following the split) although he then admitted he'd sent me a hate email 12 months prior to that.  I recycled this one and sincerely wished I hadn't as he appeared to be in a much worse place than when I initially met him.  We've been NC now for 2 weeks, and long may it continue. 

So, as to whether yours could try and resume contact after extended time limits, then yes.  When the first issue came up in my recent recycle with number 3 he was reminding me how his self harm ideation 6 years ago was MY fault.     

[Lolster]

I'd also say NO in answer to the title of your question "Should you prepare for break in NC."

By 'preparing' for break in NC you will be constantly in a state of waiting for something to happen rather than moving on with your own life.

If you just choose to accept that you don't want to hear from him then the chances are that you may not even notice his contact attempts.  E.g. the hate mail I was sent a year ago, I never actually got it, he was already blocked, so I had no idea until he actually told me, therefore it never affected me.  Hmmm, perhaps it would have saved me going through this last recycle as he contacted me via social media to apologise.  At the time he didn't make clear what he was apologising for and he let me assume he meant the hassle following our first split.  He only admitted to the email after I had met him again in person. Lesson learned!

The online only one, I doubt I'd hear from him again.  Even if he used a new email addy unknown to me to contact me it's unlikely I'd see it as I hardly ever check that email address.  It's a junk mail address and currently has thousands of unread email sitting there which I'm definitely not going to read through! 

So don't actively 'prepare' just move on with your life and be aware that it certainly could happen.  If and when it does come back here to discuss before acting on it.

[Hope0807]

Lolster,

Thanks for your candid reply and I do agree, move forward with more of an awareness than preparedness:)

While reading about your online-only relationship I was smh wondering why someone who has experienced a pwBPD wouldn't run screaming from the slightest hint of instability in another.  So I kept reading and recounted my own fascination and draw toward broken people.  Either way, glad you moved on and loved your comments about society not missing out on anything. 

I am in a dramatically different place emotionally than I was just weeks & months ago.  I couldn't be more thrilled about that but I know I have a VERY LONG road to recovering from horrendous train wreck relationship and fall out.  The most important thing to me is that I work very hard on myself so that I don't ever wind up with someone like this ever again.

What's the longest amount of time gone by before your BPD contacted you again?  Is there a good chance no matter how long there's been NC that I will hear from him in the future?

I'll go through them in order of appearance in my life. 

1) The ex husband - Still in contact with him due to our son.  He occasionally tries to drag out word ping pong episodes when justifying why he did something inappropriate like smoke weed in front of our son.  Didn't really try to come back into my life as such after 12 months following our 'real' split.  This left him mortally wounded as I had the police remove him from our home.  However, for a few years after he would occasionally remind me that I was still HIS wife. 

2) An online only 'relationship.'  This one used to come back anything from a day later when his rage subsided to 12 months later.  I suspect he made his returns from extended NC periods when other relationships had or were falling apart.  Haven't heard from this one in around 4 years.  Considering that it was only an online friendship this one was more extreme than any I have ever come across (in that he openly discuss his messed up childhood).  He would openly talk about his incestuous relationship he had with his sister whilst growing up (I suspect it was more a case of he abused her but couldn't actually understand that) and losing his virginity to his aunty! 

I thank god I never came across this man in real life and pity those that do.  I carried on talking to him as I was fascinated by just how messed up he was, and I probably still felt some sadness from not being able to 'fix' the exh.  He was around for approx. 2 years in total.  This one is most likely in prison/sectioned under the mental health act or dead, none of which would be a loss to society. 

3) A brief relationship I had following the break up with the ex husband - It lasted a few months and was long distance.  He completely freaked me out with the love bombing/idealisation and I ended it.  He was constantly trying to contact me for around a year or so.  He recently made a comeback via social media as I hadn't blocked him on there due to the fact that I'd never corresponded with him on there to begin with.  I was new to social media when I first met him as anything like that would have not been allowed by exh's insecurity.  So his comeback from NC seemed to be 6 years after the initial split, (discounting the text attempts following the split) although he then admitted he'd sent me a hate email 12 months prior to that.  I recycled this one and sincerely wished I hadn't as he appeared to be in a much worse place than when I initially met him.  We've been NC now for 2 weeks, and long may it continue. 

So, as to whether yours could try and resume contact after extended time limits, then yes.  When the first issue came up in my recent recycle with number 3 he was reminding me how his self harm ideation 6 years ago was MY fault.     

[camuse]

You are thinking on the right lines hope!

I am using this awful experience as an opportunity to become someone who would never have got into that situation in the first place.

I've already had a woman show interest who is only a week out of a relationship - this time I spotted that  immediately

I'm taking care of myself now. When someone amazing comes along who appreciates that, I will know. In the meantime, I'll never look for love to fill a void in myself again.

Keep going! We can all have something to thank our horrible exBPDs for in the end

[Mutt]

You are thinking on the right lines hope!

I am using this awful experience as an opportunity to become someone who would never have got into that situation in the first place.

I've already had a woman show interest who is only a week out of a relationship - this time I spotted that   immediately

I'm taking care of myself now. When someone amazing comes along who appreciates that, I will know. In the meantime, I'll never look for love to fill a void in myself again.

Keep going! We can all have something to thank our horrible exBPDs for in the end

   

[elessar]

She broke up in May 2006. Called me 10 days later to tell me she is fine. Called me 2.5 months after that... .I forgot what she said. Called me 1 month after that to tell me to meet her so she can give closure. Emailed me 4.5 months after that to tell me to delete all of our photos so there is no sign we were together. This is February 2007 - 4 contacts in 9 months. And then nothing... .till September 2010. Met me in November 2010 to see me once before she got married. Then contacted 2 months later and we got back together. Broke up July 2011 but kept contact till December end 2011. Then contacted March 2012. Stopped June 2012, to contact September 2012. Stopped January 2013, to contact March 2013... .those 6 weeks was the longest no contact since we got back together. Stopped August 2013 to contact September 2013. Stopped January 2014 to contact April 2014 with limited/low contact in between. Now stopped July 8th, called July 14th telling me she is getting married, and haven't heard from her since.

You can see the pattern... .comes and goes every 2 months, except that 3 year 7.5 month gap of no contact.

[Lolster]

I can see why it would be confusing as to why I engaged with the online one.  In truth I think I thought I could gain some insight through him from a safe distance, where he couldn't touch my 'real life.'  I wasn't in any state to get involved in any new real life relationships anyway.  I have to admit he was the weirdest of them all, but possibly he felt more free to offload his baggage without the fear of real life face to face rejection. He shared more about his past than my husband who I was with for 5 years, but absolutely nothing about his present.  He came across as the most intelligent of the three, and also the one I'd least like to have any real involvement with. He was good practice for learning to switch off and not engage. 

And in a way it worked, I ran for the hills with the next real life one in a very short time.  I didn't spend any time at all thinking I could 'fix' him, or feel any need to want to keep explaining myself.  I knew the script for both face to face and written interactions, it helped in a weird way.   

They were all quite different on the surface, but all had the same underlying issues in that dealing with all of them was like dealing with a 3 year old toddler who can't have the sweets at the supermarket check out. 

At least you know now that you are worth more than that, you'll get there eventually and if and when he does contact you hopefully you will be able to take it with a pinch of salt.

[Lolster]

I'll also add that although I did a very brief recycle with number 3 it was easier to spot the  faster.  Given that it was 6 years after the initial break up I really didn't feel any of the annoyance I'd felt with him the first time around. Although he was more of a minor inconvenience as I was still having problems with the ex husband when I first met him.  It was more of a "Oh okay, I'm in a much more stable place and can see I was right the first time around." 

I don't even get annoyed with the ex husband now and it's very rare he attempts to rant at me (I know he directs it at others instead) because he knows I'll just hang up and not bother responding to anything until I have to if concerns arrangements for our son. (I would never ever risk a recycle with him though, he was physically abusive). 

Hopefully the longer your ex stays NC with you the better you will be able to deal with it if and when he does get in touch in the future.