D16 is pregnant

[SeaSprite]

My heart is breaking. I made her cut off contact with the guy, but too late. We went to the doc today, to get her checked for STIs and for some birth control she didn't have to remember to take every day. And the routine pregnancy test came back positive.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Hi Seawalker

First let me say that I am really very sorry you are having to deal with this. 16 is very tough age to begin with, now add BPD and it becomes far more difficult, and now add pregnancy... .I get it, and I am feeling your pain.

The best advice I can give you right now, is to just have the most open honest conversations with your dd as you can. remind her that she does have choices, and that millions of people the world over are childless and would love to adopt a healthy baby. I don't know your beliefs, but termination of pregnancy is an option as well as birthing and raising the child.

Whatever choice is made, it will be life changing for all involved, so be open, be honest and be loving and supportive.

I am advising you as a woman who was once a pregnant 16 year old. I needed my mothers love and support more than anything else at that time in my life, and sadly I did not have it. We did come together eventually, and we have a great relationship now, but when I was 16 and needed her, she was too bitter and upset to guide and support me.

Whatever the outcome, I am thinking of  you and your dd. I am praying for the best possible results for all involved. My heart is with you right now, stay strong.

[raytamtay3]

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and your DD. I live with the fear that my DD14 is going to end up pregnant as well. We had a scare a couple of years ago and I was literally on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out; praying to God she was not after waiting for the test results to process. Thankfully she wasn't.

She's continuing to run off with one of the thugs as the RTC she's currently at and I know for a fact they are having unprotected sex. My DD refuses to be put on anything.

Anyway, Tristesse had some very good suggestions. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Hang in there. 

[jellibeans]

Dear seawalker

I am sure you are in a bit of shock and it will take some time to fully take this all in. I know I would be worried and concerned for my dd. My dd asked me recently what I would do if she became pregnant and I honestly don't know what I would do or say. I really don't think I would be angry but certainly worried. I think my dd thinks I would take care of the baby for her and even though I love babies I would have to distance myself a little so I won't just take over.

I think this actually this might be a good thing for your dd. Having her focus on her life and how she can improve for the sake of her child. I have read sometihing on this board and sometimes a baby can really turn things around. I think tristesse had a lot of good advise... .be there for your dd and let her figure out how she is going to manage with a baby if she chooses to keep it. Try not to let your anxiety and disappointment show. Try not to be judgemental... .be supportive as you can and loving. I know this is all so scary but sometimes things happen for a reason and this baby might be the best thing that happens to your family. Sending a hug your way.

[SeaSprite]

Thank you. I'm not angry with her, I am angry with myself for not protecting her. I knew she is impulsive and much too in love to be thinking straight. I took her to the doc because I saw her pill cases, she was missing pills. But I noticed too late. I am hoping she will choose abortion, and I apologize to anyone here who finds that offensive and wrong. My own beliefs about beginning and end of life choices are that human life = conscious brain.

I can't imagine what carrying a baby would mean for her. She is talking adoption, which I am also a proponent of, but would rather her not take the physical risks of pregnancy.

My fear is that the guy will pretend to step up enough for her to maintain the delusion that they are going to have a life together. She wanted to tell him, they were skyping (on the sly while she was doing math homework) and I sat next to her and told her I needed to be present any time they talked. He claims he's visiting family in Tahiti, but I'm skeptical. He's kind of a drama queen, and he suddenly left the country when i told her she couldn't see him? Maybe.

Bit he already has an ex wife and daughter in Hawaii, and we are on the mainland. I don't trust him to stick around and "help". I think he actually cares about her, but he also lies and manipulates, he has some symptoms of pre-abuser, jealousy, isolating her from her friends, alienating her from her family. In their Skype conversation she told him I was taking her to the doc and he said she shouldn't let me control her, that I'm bipolar and she should stand up to me, that in his family they don't put up with that.

This from a 29 year old living with his mommy instead of his kids.

I am just sick that I let this happen. I knew better, and she didn't, obviously.

The only thing I feel good about in my own actions is that when the big stuff happens, I am very calm and supportive. I just wish I been more protective.

I am afraid that he is going to give her just enough positive feedback that she'll want to keep the baby, and that is a choice I do not support. My first daughter was unplanned,  but I was 21 and my ex and I got married and started a life independent from our parents. And my ex is not a liar or a flake. My daughter is still struggling to get through one college class at a time. And I do not want to raise another child, I'm ready for an empty nest.

I'm scared that if she chooses adoption, she won't go through with it, especially if she has hope he will be in her life through the baby.

I want to tell him to back off, to back out.

[raytamtay3]

If there is one thing I've learned Seawalker, it's that not matter what we do, they will find a way to get what they want. Try not to blame yourself.  We are here for you.  

Edited to add:

I wrote on another thread how that if my DD gets pg I will not allow her home. I can sit here and type of say that all I want. The truth is, I would be there for her as hard as I know it would be. She is against abortion and she is against adoption. I am not against neither personally... .I HAVE heard too that women with BPD sometimes turn their lives around after having a child. So who really knows - right? It could possibly turn out to be a good thing. But no matter what, you did nothing wrong but love your DD and try and protect her. Do not blame yourself.

[lever.]

I'm so sorry about this SeaWalker. Please don't blame yourself 16 year olds are almost autonomous and you cannot completely protect them only guide them.

Take a little step back to gather yourself and be very careful what you say-it will always be remembered.

What she chooses to do needs to be completely her choice-can she talk to someone independent about her options?

Please tell her that you will support her whatever she decides to do but ,although you would help, the baby would be her baby and mainly her responsibility.

I am sorry for the situation both you and your daughter find yourself in

[theplotthickens]

Seawalker,

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  Morals aside, statistically giving birth  and giving the child up for adoption poses less of a health risk then abortion.  I would have an open conversation with your daughter and bring her to a local crisis pregnancy center to see what support and help that they can offer you and your daughter. The truth is that no matter what we do, our kids can make choices we do not agree with... .it is of no use to blame yourself. I have a found that the higher I build fences, the higher my daughter jumps. There really is only so much we can do. :'(

I have known so many women whose mental health suffered from the overwhelming guilt and loss of abortion. I would imagine that going through something like that would not help your daughters sense of self if she would prefer to give the child up for adoption. Just another take.

please be kind to yourself, and rest assured that you did the best you could with the resources and knowledge you had at the time.

love and hugs. I cannot imagine all the emotions and heartbreak that you were going through as a mother. please keep posting and this is a safe place no matter what the decisions are.

[SeaSprite]

The health risks of abortion depend on whether the procedure is performed safely or unsafely. The World Health Organization defines unsafe abortions as those performed by unskilled individuals, with hazardous equipment, or in unsanitary facilities.[51] Legal abortions performed in the developed world are among the safest procedures in medicine.[2][52] In the US, the risk of maternal death from abortion is 0.6 per 100,000 procedures, making abortion about 14 times safer than childbirth (8.8 maternal deaths per 100,000 live births).[53][54] The risk of abortion-related mortality increases with gestational age, but remains lower than that of childbirth through at least 21 weeks' gestation.[

Morality aside.

[.cup.car]

Abortion is the right call.

Getting her away from the guy was the right call.

The toughest part will be damage control once her friends find out. Teenagers are mean and there isnt a way to downplay what she's done.

[tristesse]

I believe everybody here has given the advice that they deem as  whats best.

I believe that you are an intelligent caring mother, who only wants what is best for her child.

Based on that alone, I think you will manage to get through this situation, no matter what choices are made.

I am saddened by the fact that she is so young and he is so much older than she is. She is almost like his prey. It bothers me that he has taken advantage of such a young girl, they are easily manipulated at that age and are easy to fall in love. He is either lacking in maturity and self esteem or is just the bottom of the barrel nasty scum.

I am sorry that your daughter has to make such a tough life altering decision at such a tender age, and I am sorry that you have to live the hell and drama of this situation.

Take care and know that I am still keeping you in my mind and heart as you deal with what you must.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[theplotthickens]

How are you doing?  I imagine you are all just getting over the shock.  I was actually speaking about the mental effects of being pressured into an abortion if she is opposed.  Adoption is a good alternative... .it really depends on how your daughter feels about.  There is a middle path between aborting and parenting.  Does that make sense? I would not be willing to parent my dd's child at this point, I am just too worn out!  I am wishing you some peace and comfort (somehow, some way) in this upcoming week!

[js friend]

Im so sorry seawalker

I understand the panic you must be feeling. I have 2GC and my dd is still only 19yo!

[SeaSprite]

She is leaning toward adoption. She says she knows she can't raise a child. She's at her dad's house, coming home tomorrow.

She skyped with the guy, told him what was going on. Then they had a Skype conversation after her dad went to bed that I read later. (I'd told her all conversations with him were on front of parents, we need to be involved). She told him she was leaning toward adoption but considering abortion. He kept saying they could raise the child, that he could keep it til she was old enough.

I wrote him a vaguely threatening note, that he needs to back off and stop pairing her when she was very clear neither of them are ready for a baby. I pointed out the penalties for possessing explicit photos of a minor and contributing to the delinquency, and that the military likely has a code of conduct as well. I told him I appreciate he's trying to man up and do the right thing but that the right thing is to respect her choices now.

If he wasn't such a lying jerk, I'd have more respect for his desire to keep the baby. But he has a daughter in another state, and he was two timing my daughter. He's a disaster.

First he wrote a long rambling list of excuses, all of his personal trauma. I told him I didn't care about his trauma, but that as long as he stopped trying to confuse her about the pregnancy and stayed away from her while she's a minor, we would not have a problem, and he said "ok".

DD has an appt at a private women's clinic Tuesday to find out how far along she is and talk about options. Up to 9 weeks they can medically induce a miscarriage.

I would feel better about adoption of I wasn't afraid she would end up keeping it, or wanting to keep the bond with the guy over the baby. I do not want to help raise a child!

[SeaSprite]

Pairing = pressuring

[pessim-optimist]

This is a difficult dilemma, SeaWalker, I am so sorry you have to deal with this... .

She is leaning toward adoption. She says she knows she can't raise a child.

DD has an appt at a private women's clinic Tuesday to find out how far along she is and talk about options. Up to 9 weeks they can medically induce a miscarriage.

I would feel better about adoption of I wasn't afraid she would end up keeping it, or wanting to keep the bond with the guy over the baby. I do not want to help raise a child!

These are all very valid concerns. Whatever happens one way or another, she will have to live with her decision for the rest of her life... .

[MammaMia]

SeaWalker

I know it is a bit late, but why is a 29 yo man, ex-husband, and father interested in a 16 yo child?  Was he two-timing her with another minor girl?  If he is in the military, he could face serious consequences and legally could ... .and probably should... .be charged with statutory rape.  For all you know, he may be a pedophile, which would explain the explicit photos, etc. and dd would be considered by many to be the victim of criminal behavior even without the pregnancy.

Regardless of what your dd decides to do, there will be emotional, physical, and financial consequences for her, and he should bear legal responsibility as the adult in this relationship. I hope he is not allowed to just "disappear", leaving you and your family to clean up his mess which will, in all likelihood, be a life-long process.

Do you really believe a word he says?  He knows what to say to save himself. 

I am sorry all of you are going through this, but he is responsible and he needs to "man-up" or be prosecuted.  Yes, your dd needs your love and support more than ever, but he does not deserve any consideration.  Responsible adults do not sleep with children.  

[theplotthickens]

 You are right on target by threatening this loser. He has participated in child pornography, and that is reason enough to keep him away from your daughter. I would make it very clear to him that you are willing to prosecute and pursue the matter legally if he makes any attempt to continue in a relationship with your child, pressure her regarding her pregnancy, or if he attempts to gain custody. You have a lot of leverage and power here. I am so glad you are standing up for yourself and your daughter and not accept ing his excuses and nonsense. With an immature person like that, I think you just use the broken record technique. State your boundary and truth and repeat.

My heart just aches for you and your daughter. Thoughts and prayers going up for you.  I can sense your strenghth and resolve rising! Sending lots of Mama energy your way! I apologize if my post sometimes looks goofy, it is this silly voice to text!

[lever.]

I hope the clinic appointment goes well and that they give good advice.

Even though she is young she needs to be comfortable with any decision she makes over this or her mental health will suffer.

I hope you have managed to get her partner to top pressuring her-its the last thing she needs at present.

Such a stressful time for you, hope you're okay

[theplotthickens]

Mamamia,

incredibly, in most states it is perfectly legal for a 29 year old to have sex with a 16 year old. However if you take or receive picture, it is a felony.  The law gives no consistent protection for minors who are taken advantage of by older, more mature parties.  As parents, we are on our own. Since law enforcement will not support parents, we have to either take matters into our own hands or allow access. I have found this out the hard way, believe me on that!

[MammaMia]

www.aspe.hhs.gov/hsp/08/sr/statelaws/summary.shtml#Sexual

There are special circumstances defined by states.  See the above link.  I do not know where SeaWalker and her dd live.

All in all, you are correct that our children are not protected enough by law.  A 16 yo is rarely mentally able to function as an adult.  This is especially true of pw BPD and other mental illnesses.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SeaSprite]

Thank you for the support... .As you can imagine I've spent a lot of time researching the applicable laws.

We are in a state where 16 is consent, with the only exceptions being your boss or your teacher.

But child porn is 18 by federal law, no matter what the age of consent is.

Military law says age of consent is whatever the state says, surprisingly it doesn't follow federal law from what I could find.

So the photos and the drinking are my levers.

And yes, its her choice, I wouldn't make her have an abortion, even if I could. But if she does have a baby, I don't want him anywhere near, confusing things, talking her into keeping it.

If she chooses adoption, I'll do everything I can, including recruiting intimidating friends, to keep him away, and get her involved with an adoption service that will hook her up with an awesome family who wants to adopt. We have a lot of family and friends who became families through adoption, so she has a very positive view of it.

Im hoping she is as early along as she thinks, it means abortion is easier emotionally and physically and that if she carries it, the odds of it being healthy are higher. I don't know how much she has been drinking, smoking, etc, so that is a factor in my desire for her not to carry it.

[MammaMia]

SeaWalker

Prayers to you and yours.  I really hope everything works out for the best.  Take care.

[.cup.car]

Head down to the police station, ask to meet with an officer. Tell him about the underage nudes, the guys age, and her mental illness. Bring proof of everything. Ask for help.

They won't NOT do something.

[tristesse]

Hi Seawalker,

I have been thinking of you and your dd, and just wanted to let you know that I care. I know we have never met personally, and we know nothing of each other except what is on this board, but I do care about you and your dd.

Take care and know I will be praying for you.

[mama72]

So sorry you and your dd are in this situation, Seawalker. Both of you will be in my prayers, as well.

[SeaSprite]

Thank you all... .

We went to the clinic today. They said she is very early, maybe 5 weeks, which is good news whatever she does.

They gave her information on both abortion and adoption, and we bought prenatal vitamins at the store to start taking.

We talked about who to tell, if anyone, and how until she knows what she's going to to to only talk to people who she is sure are pro choice and won't judge.

She is still leaning toward adoption, and she has been reading up on adoption groups. She found one who works with a number of same sex couples, and she really likes the idea of that.

If she is going to go through with this, I suppose getting very attached to the idea of choosing a good family reduces the risks of her changing her mind and keeping it? I told her I'm behind her 100% if she carries the baby, I'm just so scared for her.

She's not the raging style of BPD, she's the self destructive type. When she gets emotional and feels bad, she lies and makes dangerous choices and cuts and becomes suicidal.

Carrying a baby could help her to become more responsible, or the hormones and responsibility could crush her.

On day at a time right?

[HealingSpirit]

Oh Seawalker! 

I just saw your post today and read through the whole thread.  Yikes!  BPD Teenage pregnancy = my worst nightmare too.  :'(

It's good your DD recognizes that she is too young and immature to raise a child.  Teenage pregnancy presents the entire family with a life-changing permanent decision about how to handle it.  What scares me is that single decision rests on a young woman whose brain isn't fully developed, who is impulsive, and who is in no way able to care for herself, let alone a child.  She is so lucky to have you, such an intelligent, supportive mom to guide her! 

I remember one of your first posts on this board when you discovered your DD had been secretly seeing the BF29 on the side and that she was already "in love with him" when she finally told you.  Do you remember that?  I think you handled the situation in the best way you could have at the time.  I understand your guilt and regret that you didn't stop it when you first learned of their relationship, but I believe that by NOT forbidding her to see him, you have preserved your supportive relationship with your DD, which is extremely important now.  I just hate that YOU have to live with the consequences of HER behavior!  That's one of my biggest pet peeves with my DD.  But, that's why we're ALL here, isn't it?  Because we are ALL affected by the behavior of our BPD offspring.  And we ALL have to live with some of the consequences of their behavior.

I have never been successful at forbidding my DD17 to do anything.  She would simply run right back and do whatever I forbid with a vengeance.  Appealing to her intelligence works better, though that isn't perfect either.  Please let me know how that discussion goes.  You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Is your DD on meds like anti-depressants or anything for ADD?  If so, what will happen if she goes off her meds until she gives birth, should she choose that route?  Is it safe?  And what about afterward?  I personally had terrible post-partum depression that lasted over 2 years.  It took my body a long time for my hormones and neurotransmitters to get back into balance and my thyroid never quite came back.  I was 31 though.  At 16, she's likely to bounce back more quickly.  But, if she's on meds, I wonder about the safety of pulling her off her meds during the pregnancy.  The mother's health and well-being also needs to be considered, as I'm sure you're aware.

You are incredibly intelligent and wise, Seawalker, so I'm sure you're taking everything into consideration and weighing all the options.  I'm so sorry you have to deal with this!

[SeaSprite]

Thank you healingspirit! She went off her meds, I think the guy convinced her that she didn't need therapy or meds. 

When I read her Skype (with her knowledge) conversation with him, there was an interaction before she went to the doc. She told him that she was going in because I wanted her on different birth control because she wasn't consistent with her pills. He replied that he couldn't believe how controlling I was, that no one in his family would put up with that, that his aunt thought I was bipolar for how I was acting. And so on. He's kind of nuts.

I think he's been doing stuff like that all along, egging her on to rebel and separate her further from her family. Not hard to do with a BPD teen.

She finally started calling him on his lies and inconsistencies, and he thought she was me posing as her on Skype messenger, probably because she'd never questioned his reality before.

I just want the past month back, so I can get her on different birth control before its too late. And now everything is different... .she can't take it back.

But, that was a long ramble, I meant to say she's not on meds now and seems reasonably stable. I had post partum depression with my first as well, I've been worried for her about it as well. Maybe I should get her in with the psych while she's deciding, to talk about the depression issue.

[HealingSpirit]

Ugh!  Oh no!  She's already off her meds too?  My DD quit all her meds and informed me that she is fine.  She doesn't have BPD and she doesn't need therapy.  She's just lonely because she misses her BF. 

She finally started calling him on his lies and inconsistencies, and he thought she was me posing as her on Skype messenger, probably because she'd never questioned his reality before.

My DD's BF accused DD of this too!  I actually took it as a compliment that my DD really sounds like me when she's trying to be logical about an issue with him.  LOL!  But, still, it's scary that the BF has so little trust of we mothers who raised their precious GFs.

I just want the past month back, so I can get her on different birth control before its too late. And now everything is different... .she can't take it back.

  Oh, if we could wave a magic wand, think of all the good we could do!  I really feel for you!