Stuck on Crazy...

[Jimmy84]

Hello,

Just posted a intro in the newbies board, but i think the meat of the post makes more sense here, so i'll post it here aswell, dunno if it should just be moved or not... .

Hello everyone,

First of all, English in not my first language, so sorry if I butcher it up a bit (I’m from Portugal).

My relationship with my dexBPD gf ended for good (for the moment) a week and a half ago; we were together for 6 years, minus 2-3 weeks along the years, because of the several breakup/makeup occasions that occurred. She has been in therapy for some 12+ years. Don’t think she knew what she actually had during that time, although she had the knowledge and confirmation from her psychiatrist a little over a year ago. I’m 30 and she’s 29, btw. So, the latest is, recently it was my birthday, and I wanted to make a little celebration. She knew that and at first, was ok and thought it was a good idea.

Some backstory, my ex is, at first a very happy, energetic and wide smile lovely and beautiful person. She’s very hopeful and is a huuuge dreamer, does tons of stuff on her own, and likes to take good care of herself. She has a very positive vibe and men can be very attracted to her smiling, inviting, petite innocent nature. All this in she’s in a good mood, or dissociating/distancing herself from all the other crap, ofc. But she is also very shy and suffers from anxiety, social anxiety, is too naïve, and sometimes not the smartest person in the room. But she is a good learner, when she wants too. She wakes up really early and gets a lot of stuff done (lot more than me most times, I must confess), but nearing the end of the day, when she’s starting to get low on energy, you see her other side... .Plus, all the usual BPD traits, she check’s most of the list, from my experience… 

Now, I know well where she got her BPD from, and it was her parents, her mother specifically is, from what I know of her and seen, an uBPD, she has the worst possible aspects of my ex amplified in full BPD glory. Because of several aspects of our pasts, both of us, my ex and I, still live with our parents (she has no job, me neither, but because I went back to university, I had before), so we did not lived together and she has to put up with some of her mother’s crap. Nearing the date of my bday, 3 days before, I go spend the day with her, she was very tired and exhausted, because of all the stuff going on in her house, she had not slept well, and her father is basically her mother’s puppet. So, she announces she’s not only not going to the event, she’s going away for a few day to not deal with home stuff, not deal with my bday and recover. I’m not too happy with all this considering, just 2 days prior she wanted to breakup because I would not tell her what I wanted for my bday, she told me what I preferred from 2 choices, I said to get me what she felt made more sense, I trusted her, and she starts saying I have to tell her or she does not know. This devolves into wanting to breakup, me spending an afternoon with her in the usual talk, which by the end I say to her “ok, if you want to leave, then leave”. She changes her mind, we go to dinner, and all seems good. 2 days after, after spending the day with her and she’s slowly going into the defense mode, she decides to end again. Just as 2 days before, we talk, but this time, no good. She does make some arguments that she acknowledges all the crap I have been trough because of her (more on that in a minute) and she’s doing this for her, but also for me. So we argue and then she left. Bday comes, I don’t celebrate nothing, feel like crap, some of the worst days ever, and the day after she calls, saying she his sorry, that she wants to get back together, whole ton of stuff, she’s crying on the phone, on her knees, she says. I say I can’t do it, so bad and hurt I am at the whole situation. This was a 4h conversation on the phone, I’m just resuming all. Next day we meet, and she wants to get back, wants to try again, that it does not make sense we end like that, wants to go to couples therapy (we are dating, not married), all the shabang.

Now, dating a BPD is no cakewalk, has we all know, and minus the honeymoon period, most of the 6 years had its ups and downs, ofc, some really high, some really low, like all relationships, plus the BPD extras. But the last 2 years, and the last one especially, where just the worse… The level of abuse was of the other level.  Treats of cheating (not actual, and only because she is so shy, otherwise…) was the new trick she learned, she actually told me one day, that if some guy appeared, that was good to her and captivated her, she would let herself go, like I was only temporary, or while something better did not turned up... And I’m to blame, I know that, because, although I tried to put up limits and such, and not be made a puppet, she always found a way to push pass those limits. Most of the stuff I read from BPD sufferers, minus the substance abuse and such, she did almost all those things to me… And, because of me, she’s now enjoying and more and more interested in sex and pleasure, because before, she was very closed to that and insecure. Now, she wanted sex all the time I could not do, because I was busy, had stuff to do or just wanted some quiet time to recover. So, she threatened she was going to go look for men to have sex, even suggesting some people I knew. But together, sometimes we did and it was awesome, some time we did because she wanted it, and it was me just doing everything, and others she just left me hanging (ha!), when she well knew my desire. But complained afterwards when we didn’t. All that jazz…

She dreams very high, but she forgets the reality of the world, she wants to get married and move out and have an apartment and have kids and travel, all this today/yesterday. Now, in my age, I want all those thing yesterday too, but I’m in the process of building all those things from the ground up. For my own personal reasons, had some crap going on in my life, that really held me back on the way I wanted to live my life, thus my current situation. She has the right to want those things, had I always said that I would rather she be with someone that had the material and financial means to make her dreams come true, I would rather her to be happy then to stay with a loser like me. But the problem is, although she has those dreams and such, the way she behaves in the day to day basis really destroys all the good will and good we both do, because everything I do is a trigger for her. The last year, here she was unemployed, nothing to do, although she did look for work (she was almost 0 work experience, I have worked on and off since 18, just don’t have enough to live on my own in my country), it was a total trigger fest, she had problems with all my friend, especially my female friends and colleges, in her head, I was going to cheat on her and leave her for everyone one them… She complained constantly about my family, my life, my degree, myself, pretty much everything. In the meantime, me thinking, “if she does not like anything I do or say, why is she with me, really? And for that matter, why am I taking this kind of abuse?” But of course, it’s one thing to think, it’s another to act on it, when your heart is so conflicted and dedicated to this person. One day I was so emotionally tired and so mad, after a long discussion with her, I just started hitting my head on the wall. After a few times, after the shock, she grabbed me and hugged me, to make me stop. I just started crying and sobbing right there, I was on my last straw after 2-3 years of emotional and psychological abuse… And other times it was punching the walls, or kicking, all this to let out the anger and frustration on something, and not her, because I would never lift a finger to hit her.

Long story short (will write more some other times), 2 days after my birthday and she making all those demands and apologizing and what not, I just asked what she was going to do from now on, what she was going to do differently, how long was this going to continue, etc. She could not give me a straight, real answer, and as such, I said I could not take her back, I could not continue to suffer like that for more 1-2-3 years, in the prospect that she would be better, possibly. So, 3h latter, we hugged, she did not want to let me go, but I went away and we have not talked since.

What’s really stinging me right now is that, I have spent the last week in other crapville, obsessing and really in the lowest. But in the meantime, she’s been now doing stuff alone and acting like nothing happened, like she’s better even now, and I was the problem, went out with new people, even flirted with some, really acting like it’s been 3-4 months already, and not just little more than a week. My head knows why she is doing this, it’s all part of the condition, but inside, it’s killing me, it hurts so much and I’m just stuck, paralyzed, I don’t know want to do, like I just want to crawl in a hole and never get out. I know by this rhythm she will be with some other guy very soon, and I will still be in the crapper, and I am not ready for that… We have friends in common, and those friends, along with some of my own, know how she is and some even have said along the years, how I could still be with her after all this time (not anymore…) But here other friends, I know that are all encouraging here, to her to be happy, to get over me and find someone else, all that usual. Little note, they all live afar and only talk by email/face/skype, I think if they lived closer and seen how she is every day, they might not be so encouraging… But still, it stings, she going about has if I’m now a memory, like she did nothing wrong, being with me was only a mistake, while I now am so trapped and frozen with pain and resentment, heartache, sadness and missing her so much, and all the things we did and shared (I have shared and gave myself to her like I have not done to anyone else ever).

So, that is only a little taste of what is my story, I’m hoping I will be able to, in time, tell the rest of it. And with your help, recover what I lost and be even better for it, and rise above all this and be healthier, take back what was lost along the way and hopefully one day (I’m guessing a long time from now…) find happiness again.

Thank you all who read me and sorry for the long text.

P.s. I have a really bad headache and i did cry a little while writing this and remembering all the good and bad stuff that happened, but I feel a little bitter now that I have put some of it out there. So thank you again for creating this space, where people can come to share and get better.

[Tausk]

Hey Jimmy:

You hang in there.  It's very difficult.  Are you seeing a therapist?  What are you doing to take care of yourself?

Keep on the board.  This is the only place where you will find validation. We understand the madness. 

Have you read the pamphlets?  Especially the 10 things that will keep you stuck?

Read, write, share, learn and grow. 

Be well,

T

[Jimmy84]

I have been trying to take care of myself, but i have mostly failed at it so far, most days are really like swimming in crap at the bottom of a well… I have read most articles and it pretty much confirms about everything that had going all those years and what I already suspected.

I do have a tendency to see and hope the best in people, I do get enjoyment out of helping people, I’ve been told that I am too altruistic and I tolerate too tolerant, for example, which just made me a better pushover to some regard… I always belived that she would be in control of herself someday, that with enough work, undersanting, patience and love, from both of us, we would be mostly okay, and she would someday be under control. I knew there was no cure, I just hoped she would be able to manage and control herself to a reasonable degree, if I also helped. Dunno if I was being too hopeful or just delusional…

Although I did get out of the FOG, I’m still getting whiff of it every now and then. Most days I just feel depressed and melancholic… I don’t suffer anymore abuse from her, and it’s been almost a full month without talking to each other, but sometimes I still check in on her in facebook, see what see is up too (I know, should just block her in everything, but I still can’t get myself to do it… plus, we have friends in common, if that makes any sense…)

So, I was going on about my day, when (in a moment of weakness) I went to check in on her. Turns out, not even a month after breakup, she’s already planned, organized and in a week, she’s going on a trip abroad for her birthday, alone, for several days, and will be staying lodged in the house of some guy she just recently met… And so, it all comes crashing down, she doing a whole ton of thing that we had planned to do ourselves (we had not done it yet because of financial reasons from my side), going to stay for a week in a new country with a new handsome guy, laughing and flirting, probably having sex with him or others (and this just makes me want to die…) pretty much adding salt to the wound “look at all the stuff I am doing now that I am free, it was always you that was the problem, not me…”

I know I should not think like this… And she is an ex, and is free to do whatever she wants, with whoever she wants… But so soon and so drastically, while I am still barely able to function daily, it’s so hard I don’t know what to do sometimes…

I’m not seeing a therapist yet, I intend to, just have not done so yet for financial reasons, too.

And I have read the 10 reasons, and intend to also put the lesson in practice, but so far, it’s been a battle just to function daily, without crashing down…

Sorry for the rant/pity trip again…

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

One of the best things I never did was open a FB account.  Don't go there checking what she is doing - might as well self-crucify.  It is about yourself now - you did your best to help crazy and now crazy is doing as crazy does.  The good news is that you are now free.  Will take a while to get used to it - but of course being without crazy is a refreshing break.  Sort of like escaping from a sauna and diving into the clear and cool swimming pool.

[camuse]

sometimes I still check in on her in facebook, see what see is up too (I know, should just block her in everything, but I still can’t get myself to do it…

You probably don't realise how very damaging this is. I would strongly recommend blocking and not looking, and I think you will be surprised how quickly your state of mind improves. Try it! Checking facebook is one of the worst things you can do, in my view - going and deliberately looking at a false sugar-coated interpretation of her life, seeing pictures, whatever - it will really slow your recovery. I know it's tempting and we are all curious beings, but you are just causing yourself unnecessary harm.

[Jimmy84]

I do realize how damaging it is, that’s why I keep kicking myself every time I do it… but yeah, already blocked her, now i just have to resist the impulse to go stalk her again… I did not even want an account in the first place, for several reasons, but one of those being what that would bring during the r/s and possibly, if we ever broke up… Guess I was right…

I have work to do and I still can’t concentrate…

When you have stuff to do, but the thoughts of your exBPD just keep on creeping in and you get stuck/disabled, how do you get yourself out of that funk, or what seemed to work best, in your experiences?

[camuse]

If she's blocked, do not unblock her - if you do, she has 48 hour sin which to block you, and then she has all the power to see you and contact you when she wants, and you have none.

In the end, time helps - you can reduce this time by not having any contact, not looking at photos, facebook page etc. Eventually your mind moves on.

In the meantime, just let the thoughts pass through. There's only so long you can go on thinking about the same thing without any new input.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is not nice at all. But it passes, and you can help it pass faster with no contact at all. it may take time, though - it will take as long as it takes.