I Understand How I Was The Problem

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, after a lifetime with a NPD Dad and a BPD Wife, I am very disturbed at where I find myself in life.

To start off, I think I always had a lot of potential in life, but I just couldn't get over that hump to realize that potential.  I think it all stems back to growing up with my dad, who had me involved in so many activities that I just couldn't focus on any one thing and find my niche.

Plus, I was continuously criticized for anything that I had an interest in, I was only allowed to do things that he wanted me to do.

Well, I am now 47 and I have a good job, which could have been better had my wife relocated in order for me to accept a promotion.  Now I am getting older and for some reason I am starting to struggle in the position that I am in.  I'm not sure exactly what I am doing wrong.   My boss continually says that I "try to be all things to all people."  I'm not even sure what he means by that, and yes it was meant as a criticism.

Financially, I do have a 401k, but I have no immediate money saved.  It seems that every time we could get ahead my wife would find some project or something to spend our (mostly my) money on.

My wife discouraged me having outside interests, plus, I was so busy trying to earn money that I had little time for any recreational activities.

We have zero love life.

My kids are doing outstanding though.

But, looking at me, and my role in this... .I can see that I never had a chance to be myself.  I always had some obligation to fill for somebody else.  I always felt that I had to "come through" for everyone to prove my worth.

I'm living in a house I never wanted, and in a town that I have nothing but negative memories in.

I've never planned a trip and followed through with going anywhere besides where other people have invited me or planned it.

I have always been a bit docile.

So, I have identified my problems, but I don't know how to change.

I don't know how to assert myself and demand what I want in life.  I go with the flow too much.

I am getting a good idea of what I want to do moving forward.  I am piecing that plan together.  I just seem to always allow "life" to get in the way of my plans and blowing them up.

My life has just seemed so complicated.  I know that it didn't have to be that way.

[workinprogress]

So, after a lifetime with a NPD Dad and a BPD Wife, I am very disturbed at where I find myself in life.

To start off, I think I always had a lot of potential in life, but I just couldn't get over that hump to realize that potential.  I think it all stems back to growing up with my dad, who had me involved in so many activities that I just couldn't focus on any one thing and find my niche.

Plus, I was continuously criticized for anything that I had an interest in, I was only allowed to do things that he wanted me to do.

Well, I am now 47 and I have a good job, which could have been better had my wife relocated in order for me to accept a promotion.  Now I am getting older and for some reason I am starting to struggle in the position that I am in.  I'm not sure exactly what I am doing wrong.   My boss continually says that I "try to be all things to all people."  I'm not even sure what he means by that, and yes it was meant as a criticism.

Financially, I do have a 401k, but I have no immediate money saved.  It seems that every time we could get ahead my wife would find some project or something to spend our (mostly my) money on.

My wife discouraged me having outside interests, plus, I was so busy trying to earn money that I had little time for any recreational activities.

We have zero love life.

My kids are doing outstanding though.

But, looking at me, and my role in this... .I can see that I never had a chance to be myself.  I always had some obligation to fill for somebody else.  I always felt that I had to "come through" for everyone to prove my worth.

I'm living in a house I never wanted, and in a town that I have nothing but negative memories in.

I've never planned a trip and followed through with going anywhere besides where other people have invited me or planned it.

I have always been a bit docile.

So, I have identified my problems, but I don't know how to change.

I don't know how to assert myself and demand what I want in life.  I go with the flow too much.

I am getting a good idea of what I want to do moving forward.  I am piecing that plan together.  I just seem to always allow "life" to get in the way of my plans and blowing them up.

My life has just seemed so complicated.  I know that it didn't have to be that way.

[Harri]

Hi WorkinProgress (love the name!)

Is your boss the type you can ask to elaborate on what he said?  Maybe give you some examples of how you "try to be all things"?  I was fortunate enough to once have a boss where I could ask those questions even tho we were in a professional setting.  I just made it clear that I wanted to know so I could learn more about myself rather than try to make a big deal out of it.  Just a suggestion.

I think I can relate to the other stuff you talked about in terms of not reaching your potential and not being sure of what you like and want to do for you.  It makes sense if you have spent your whole life taking care of people who are incapable of seeing you as separate from them.  Not too long ago, I was horribly enmeshed.  I was in my mid 30's and still living at home 'taking care of my parents'.  When I left, my mom split me black and I stayed that way pretty much till about a year before she died.  My dad mostly cried and whined and tried to get me back to the house.     But I was so enmeshed, I too had no idea where I started and ended.  My T had to work with me to help me figure out what I liked... .stupid stuff like wall colors and style of clothes.  Yeah, it was pretty bad.

Are you still married to your wife?  What do you think would happen if you decided to persue a hobby or take a trip by yourself?  Have you thought of therapy to help you through this time?

As for how to do the things you want?  Just do it.     Seriously, take your plan and then for the first step take a deep breath, tell yourself you matter and what you want is important and there is nothing wrong with doing what you want... .and then do it.  Start small if you have to.  Haha, start with buying a different flavor of icecream or something.  There are all sorts of things you can practice with to build up to bigger things.

You can do this.  You need to put yourself first now.  Take the trouble that you are having at work as a sign that something needs to change and since the only thing you can change is you... .do it a step at a time. 

[workinprogress]

Thanks Harri, I appreciate the support.

As for your questions, my boss is a heavy drinker, he is very hard to speak to without some sort of belittling remark.  Yes, he reminds me of my dad, and I can feel the little kid in me coming out when I am with him.  I am trying hard to overcome that.  He is very difficult to reason with.  I had always been highly valued, and I really feel like he is devaluing me.

The wife and I are still together.  I have made great efforts to try and reconcile things.  I am not perfect.  I acknowledge that with her.  She is very hard to reach emotionally.

Even when things were good with her I felt myself walking on eggshells.

I am doing more for myself.  I work out regularly now.  I take breaks from it occasionally also.  I listen to old punk music that I like in my free time.  I am trying to work less, yet still be effective.

I have always spent quality time with the kids.

... .and it's funny that you mention ice cream.  My wife and I went shopping for some ice cream just last night.  I picked out a flavor that she said no one else would like, so I would be the only one eating it.  I went ahead and bought it anyway. 

I am going to take some public speaking courses in the spring.  I haven't enrolled yet.  Speaking to people publicly seems to be my greatest strength.  In fact, I had a client that I deal with ask me if I took public speaking courses.  I just feel so at ease in front of a group.  I'll be going on a business trip this week to give some presentations.  I love it!

I am glad that your life is getting better.  I know that parental guilt is a horrible thing!  It prevents you from pursuing your dreams and fully living your life.  That is one thing that I have instilled in my kids.  Their lives are their lives, no one elses.  At the end of the day, they are the ones who have to decide what they want and pursue that.  I think they really feel empowered about their lives.

I will follow your advice, "one step at a time... ."

[Harri]

Well yikes, asking the boss is definitely out.  It sounds like your hands are full between home and work.  I hope that changes for you as you start to put yourself first. 

Public speaking huh?  Good for you for doing something you love! 

You said in your first post that you don't know how to change, but it sounds like you really do know.  Keep listening to your gut.  You know what you need and want and I imagine you know what you need to do.  I think we all have the knowledge inside us, it is just a matter of learning to listen.  It sounds like you were listening when it came to raising your kids and that is fantastic.  It is definitely time for you to do it for yourself.  I will be here cheering you on that's for sure!   

I hope you have a fabulous time on your business trip! 

[workinprogress]

Well yikes, asking the boss is definitely out.  It sounds like your hands are full between home and work.  I hope that changes for you as you start to put yourself first. 

Public speaking huh?  Good for you for doing something you love! 

You said in your first post that you don't know how to change, but it sounds like you really do know.  Keep listening to your gut.  You know what you need and want and I imagine you know what you need to do.  I think we all have the knowledge inside us, it is just a matter of learning to listen.  It sounds like you were listening when it came to raising your kids and that is fantastic.  It is definitely time for you to do it for yourself.  I will be here cheering you on that's for sure!   

I hope you have a fabulous time on your business trip! 

Thanks, Harri!

Thanks for all of your support!

[Harri]

*raises ice cream spoon high in the air as a toast to workinprogress! 

Maybe instead of one step at a time, we can say one scoop at a time!   

[P.F.Change]

As for your questions, my boss is a heavy drinker, he is very hard to speak to without some sort of belittling remark. 

That doesn't sound like a fun person to work for. Do you trust what he says about you--do you think his criticism is valid? Is your goal to find a way to please him, or to look for other job options?

I agree with Harri that a lot of us have had trouble learning to identify our own needs and put them first. It can feel really uncomfortable, especially when we've been taught that we're "bad" or "selfish" if we're not taking care of someone else's wants and needs.

Once you've established a goal for yourself, you can list the steps you need to take in order to achieve the goal. In other areas (like being assertive), practice makes perfect. Enjoying the ice cream you want is a great first step! One of my goals is to be more assertive in my career, another is to be more open to the world around me and welcome blessings in rather than hiding to keep the bad things out. I have been working on these for a while, bit by bit, and noticing a lot of improvement. Sometimes if I start to feel timid, I need to remind myself what my goals are. It's part of steps 15-17 for me.

Getting exercise and taking a public speaking course sound like good goals. It sounds like you might want to plan a trip for yourself, too. Where would you want to go?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Harri]

P.F.Change said: 

another is to be more open to the world around me and welcome blessings in rather than hiding to keep the bad things out.

Thanks for that, I really needed to hear it.  Recently I made a "friend" with an older lady I met at a meeting.  We both have the same quirky laugh at everything and make everyone around you laugh too sense of humor.  I had a blast.  We exchanged emails, facebook profiles, etc and will be going to another meeting together next week.  All that sounds great huh?  What do I do?  After her first email to me and then a post on facebook where she tagged me, I immediately put the brakes on and thought ZWOW she is moving too fast for me!  Then she left a voice message asking me to meet her for shopping (which physically I can not do at this time).  So then my brakes started to smoke!  And to think just the night before I came home feeling great because I made a friend and have someone I can go for coffee with.  (I have been very self-isolated for the last year and a half or so... .very little interaction with others and that is not at all good for me).  <sighs> I let fear control me.   :'(

So here's to letting blessings in!  I think I will initiate an after meeting coffee get together for next week... .maybe... .I have to think about it!   

(sorry for the hi-jack WnP, but thank you too!)

[funfunctional]

Hi there,

I am trying to decide where to begin. 

You are 47.  One year younger than I.    At this point I think it is important to look back at some childhood events that led us to our decision making as an adult, however,  we really have to stop looking back once we have an understand of how we got to where we are and say "ok... .now regardless of all that... .who really is responsible for my destiny?".   Past - bye bye... .future  -   new you & vision!

Honestly,  I think many many of us could say we didn't reach our full potential.   However,  I think we do make our own choices after a certain age.    If you are blaming your wife for your choices or feeling she restricted you then I think some self-evaluation is needed.  NOt that she doesn't have a controlling nature.   I get that.  However,  you have to draw boundaries now after she is used to being in the driver's seat and so I think you need to start stepping out and giving her time to adjust to the new you.   Having children and a family does pose some restrictions.   Hey... .we aren't 20 anymore.  HOWEVER,   think about what you want to do maybe one night a week and DO IT!   

You say your children are doing very well?  WOW,  what an accomplishment.    You share in that success.    Although you may view yourself as someone who has not spoken up for themselves and that maybe true - the kids probably love that docile and kind side to you.   

Being a people pleaser in a job is a positive trait unless you are wiggling around when it comes to prioritizing work and decision making and being consistent in your own opinions and beliefs.   I have the feeling the people pleasing may be getting in the way of the prioritizing of what works need to be done.  People in the business world put the "heat on" and those people don't always have to be put first.   What the boss wants goes first on your list.  Yup - I learned that!     Has your boss given you a list of specific job improvement goals?  I would ask for that.    Other option is your boss may just be a jerk & time for a new job.  You could start thinking about that too... .design a resume... .do some soul searching... .and career assessment.   I have a counselor/life coach I have met with a few times and I love talking to her.

I think you are figuring things out for yourself and I think you count!  Don't be too upset with the people around you... .like the wife that keeps you from doing activities.   They are used to the old you... .the docile pushover.   

Time to get a little feisty.

[phoenix39]

I am getting a good idea of what I want to do moving forward.  I am piecing that plan together.  I just seem to always allow "life" to get in the way of my plans and blowing them up.

I would like to hear more about this. What specifically do you want to 'do' from now on that will be a change? What parts of your plan might you be willing to share on the board? I understand why you as a child allowed @life@ in the form of your Dad, etc. blow up your plans, and I wonder what specifically is getting in your way now, as an adult? I personally find that being really specific with myself about my feelings and beliefs helps me to move toward my goals and clarify my understanding of my situation. Vagueness is an enemy of progress. Would you be willing to share some details?

[phoenix39]

I'd like to add to my last post that I recognize I just (unintentionally) asked what sounded like a pretty tall order-- TELL US YOUR PLAN!     Let me amend by saying I only wanted to get the thoughts flowing, and I of course am not demanding you present some sort of finished masterplan for life! Maybe just one or two small things you want to change- the ice cream choice is a great example of a personal victory within you in recognizing that your preferences are valid and worthy, too!

[workinprogress]

I will explain a little about the job situation.

I am in sales for a very large corp.  I have done it for 14 years.  I have a large volume territory, much larger than most of the people that I am grouped with, and I have a higher market share than the average for the region.  We are ranked on our yearly growth.

I have sat down and analyzed the numbers for hours.  I have analyzed my coworkers numbers, and what I think I figured out is that my growth is slower due to my higher market share and higher volume.

I do twice the volume as some of my coworkers.

I tried to explain this to my boss, but he refuses to listen. 

I create action plans and it seems that he blows them up by creating some sort of chaos.

I have been warned about him by some of his peers.  So, he is difficult.  I do have a very good career.  I am reluctant to walk away from that.

As for going away, I would like to go to the mountains for a couple of days to just unwind.

I have really wanted to go places and do things with my wife, but she just doesn't seem to want to do things one on one with me.  Her friends and the kids seem to be her top priority.

Thanks for all of your responses!  I will try to answer them more in depth a little later.  I just got back to town from my business trip.

[workinprogress]

A little more about the job.

Even though my boss works me over, I am often sought after by other managers in the company to do presentations for their clients.

I am treated like a rock star by my peers, other managers, and my clients.

It's just that my percentage of growth is lower than other people that I am ranked against, that is his biggest beef.  Again, I have a higher market share and more volume than the other reps.

I sell 160,000 units per year of two particular products of ours, while a guy ranked ahead of me sells 100,000.  And so on... .

[P.F.Change]

At this point I think it is important to look back at some childhood events that led us to our decision making as an adult, however,  we really have to stop looking back once we have an understand of how we got to where we are and say "ok... .now regardless of all that... .who really is responsible for my destiny?".   Past - bye bye... .future  -   new you & vision!

This is a good point. There are a lot of things we can control... .it can be easy to blame everyone else for our being miserable, but ultimately the choice is up to us.

What steps do you need to take in order to make a weekend trip to the mountains a reality, workinprogress?

[workinprogress]

At this point I think it is important to look back at some childhood events that led us to our decision making as an adult, however,  we really have to stop looking back once we have an understand of how we got to where we are and say "ok... .now regardless of all that... .who really is responsible for my destiny?".   Past - bye bye... .future  -   new you & vision!

This is a good point. There are a lot of things we can control... .it can be easy to blame everyone else for our being miserable, but ultimately the choice is up to us.

What steps do you need to take in order to make a weekend trip to the mountains a reality, workinprogress?

I just have to plan it and go.  The kids may even want to go.

It's interesting, but people my whole life have told me that I'm too nice, especially my dad.

I always hated it when people said that.

A couple of years back, I started reading a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy."  I did some of the exercises in it and became very confident.  I set limits with people.  I started lifting weights to build bulk.

A man who was the neighborhood bully (an adult who bullied adults) started yelling at me one day and I stood my ground with him as he yelled and screamed.  He regularly bullied the men and women of the neighborhood.  Well, after his interaction with me, he quit bullying.  In fact, I don't know that I have seen him outside since. 

I really had momentum and confidence.

But, somehow the wear and tear from trying to sustain my marriage has eroded my confidence again.

[Ziggiddy]

hi workinprogress

Your post really made me think about a sequence of events I had that really changed the way I view my place in the world.

Like you, I was raised in criticism and lived in a cloud generated by narcissism and borderline confusion. (Although it didn't seem confusing at the time - it just was if you know what I mean)

There is a locality in the state where I live that is just gorgeous - miles of forest and world renowned beaches - rolling hills, vineyards - the whole dream. Now I grew up in also later lived in desert dry brown flat scrubby awful towns and occasionally holidayed in the green lands. One day i got to thinking about how nice it would be to live there but it was all a dream. Then I thought - well why? Other people live there - how come? I reasoned with myself - because they were born there or decided to move there ... .but why I persisted, not me?

The closest I could come was to think I didn't 'deserve' to and I couldn't for years figure out why.

Well working on my self esteem over the last few years I have come to really see an insidious part of the NPD/BPD consequence from parents is that they seem to garner all the 'deserve to' but also mix it up with criticism that doubly confuses the message.

Man - this sounds so convoluted! What I mean is that you can end up with a paradox of feeling that you might like to have something but  lack the sense of self which ENTITLES you to it simply for the fact that you thought of it. Simply for the fact that you're a human being of great value and worth. Not because of what you do or what you sacrifice but simply from being alive!

it's exhilarating to realize there is nothing actually stopping you from having things you want, life on your own terms but your own thoughts!

Think about other people who have things that you would like - do they deserve them any more than you? If so, on what merit? Why none at all - they are a person you are a person so far it's ALL equal! It takes the time to identify that your dad's negativity probably persuaded you to believe that you shouldn't get to have.

My mother is uBPD and yet I see her have and have and get and acquire whilst NPDf pays for whines about, mutters and follows in his paradox of "I'm not good enough- I'm the best at everything"

If they can savage my childhood out of rich luxuriant self indulgence by garnering all that compassion out of me, competing with me in every single stupid thing. If they could cheat me out of a life that could have reflected a genuine selflove for the happy funny sweet and lovable child I was then why on EARTH shouldn't I be compensated NOW by having whatever I decide I want?

Not only do you deserve to have what you want, workinprogress, you deserve it more than most. I sincerely hope you see the wonder that is you and pluck the finest fruits from the wonder that is your life

Peace

Ziggiddy

[workinprogress]

Why thank you so much, Ziggiddy!  That was so nice of you!

My business trip this week took me to a mountain resort.  My schedule was fairly light.  Everything was so quiet and peaceful.  I kept thinking, it would be so nice to be in a place like this and have no obligations or places to be.

I kept thinking, "why haven't I ever gotten to go somewhere like this for fun?"

Well, I never allowed myself to because of all of the negative chatter left over from childhood.

I hope you are living in the place of your dreams now.  You are giving me hope!

[workinprogress]

I'm realizing that another problem that I had that played into this was feeling the need to be perfect, and a hero.

I was a rescuer who could have no faults.

Today I realized that in trying to be perfect, I stifled much of who I am and my emotions.

There is a long journey ahead.  Hopefully it will be a fun one!

[Harri]

That was fabulous Ziggiddy!  I want to quote your entire thread right back at you and me and every other person here!  LOL  I will leave it at this tho:

I sincerely hope you see the wonder that is you and pluck the finest fruits from the wonder that is your life

You are like a ray of sunshine here.   

[Ziggiddy]

Oh my goodness! Harri - what a lovely thing to say! It's a privilege being part of such a sympathetic and appreciative network. Thank you for your lovely words. Day. Made!