And remember, no matter where you go, there you are. - Confucius

[Harri]

I believe there are cases where one person is lying, cheating and deceiving and the other person has no idea.  I can see where it would be hard to do an inventory of your own behaviors and beliefs in that situation.  I find though, that more frequently there is an issue with both people in the relationship.  A BPD persons behaviors may be easier to see in a lot of cases but usually the Nons behaviors feed into or fit perfectly with those of the BPD.  I think they can be described and thought of as interlocking wounds.  

I grew up with what I presume to be a BPD mom and some sort of PD dad.  I have some of the behaviors of a person with BPD and some of a NON.  neither are healthy and neither make for good relationships IMO.  Even after I went through some pretty rigorous therapy and studied myself and BPD behaviors and learned all the red flags, I still got myself involved with a guy who I think had BPD or possibly NPD.  I discovered that being aware of red flags in other people behaviors was important, but it was vital to be aware of my own tendencies and behaviors when in any kind of relationship but especially one of intimacy.  

I do not really care what someone else does, I can deal with that. I can spot a red flag and a person with BPD or BPD tendencies fairly easily.  It is what **I** do and how I respond to those behaviors that I need to watch out for.  That is what I worry about and need to be extra watchful for.

Things like making excuses, filling in blanks based on my bias of my partner, Trying so desperately to see the good things and being patient and waiting for the other person to recognize what they did or said was wrong.  Wanting to be happy and being willing to sacrifice myself for someone else who is not willing to do the same regardless of how much I want them to.  Somehow shrinking down and making myself small so my partner will not be embarrassed by a mistake or whatever.  I look at my non behaviors as being very arrogant and controlling just as I do BPD behaviors.  

Very few people are immune and very few people are walking around without baggage or red flags sticking on them. Another thing I believe is that what is important is **how someone deals with their own baggage** in a relationship.  A person may have a history full of red flags, but has learned to deal with and cope with them quite well.  So make note of the red flags, but focus on your own responses.  

[Mutt]

Hi Harri,

I can relate to what you are saying. I really does take two. I had my emotional baggage going into the relationship with a partner that has borderline personality traits. I had my own issues that I brought to the table. It took her to stop and take a very hard look at myself to find out what my issues are. I believe that my FOO, my issues led me to a path to her. I'm thankful for meeting her to find the truth about myself. I cannot find happiness in another person, I have to be happy with myself.

I was arrogant and controlling as well. Why am I trying to fix someone when I'm not taking care of issues in my own backyard? I saw patterns as well in my FOO that I brought into the relationship.

I had thought that I had dealt with them but I had only skimmed the surface. There are more layers to peel. There is so much truth in your post. I don't think that I could of said any better when you say "interlocking wounds". The break-up had ruptured my core wounds. I had told my P that I am taking a substantial amount of time away from relationships to work through my emotional baggage. I thought there was no better time than now because I was repeating patterns for decades - a golden opportunity.

It has been a rewarding journey - the more that I studied and learned about borderline personality disorder and how I had reacted to my partner I find out it really is about ourselves. I also share the same sentiments, I worry about what I need to be extra watchful for in a future relationship. Thank you for sharing Harri.

[Harri]

Wow, the title of this thread is amazing!     Well done Mutt and thank you so much for joining me! 

I'm thankful for meeting her to find the truth about myself. I cannot find happiness in another person, I have to be happy with myself.

Oooh, I like your attitude!

I was arrogant and controlling as well. Why am I trying to fix someone when I'm not taking care of issues in my own backyard? I saw patterns as well in my FOO that I brought into the relationship.

And that right there is what I was afraid to state as directly as you have here.  It is a control issue and it is a very arrogant stance to take about someone you care for.  I have had the (un)fortunate experience of being both the fixer and the fixee.  The fixer role is one I have had since childhood.  It is hard to change it because it is so ingrained and had come to mean Kindness, Concern, Love, Devotion.  All good things, right?  Not so much.  As the fixee in a few relationships, boy can I tell you it is a very demoralizing and frustrating place to be.  At first there was gratitude and relief, but eventually I came to resent the underlying attitude of arrogance and almost a tolerance of me.  Love, to me, included being tolerated... .like a child or a freaking puppy, so eager for love.  The feeling of being managed was stifling, insulting, hurtful.  The arrogance that is inherent in the Fixer permeates everything, every interaction, every conversation. 

The thing I hated the most about being the fixee was that it often robbed me of the joy of self discovery.  I know, I sound like a feminine products commercial with that line, but work with me here    But the lessons don't stick if someone else does all the work for you.  haha, we can see that by just looking at the times we took the role of fixer with our exes... .we knew how to fix them but rarely if ever looked inward.  And so here we are, some of us for repeating the same old patterns since childhood. 

I just had a flash of more insight (or maybe it is more of a confirmation )that one of the reasons I was willing to let my ex and others take the role of fixer with me, is that I recognize that they use the Fixer role to feel good about themselves or to carry out a script they have been following since childhood... .and so of course I revert back to old patterns of shrinking myself down and being helpless so they can feel good and be the strong, giving, tolerant person they see themselves as.     <--- to myself for not being true to me and to them for their arrogance and selfishness.  Both my ex and one friend in particular (just ended an almost 10 year friendship with him last month) were incapable of accepting that I might know something or might be a bit better at something then they were.  I knew that by the change in the tone of their voice or a stiffening in posture... .so very easy for anyone to read those signals but especially for me who was raised in an environment where reading such signals was vital to escaping a freaking war.  My reactions were the same as when I was a kid and when used as an adult, they forced me back into the role of taking care of others needs and making myself small so that others can feel good about themselves. 

I willingly turned myself into food for their own dysfunction. 

Yeah.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Harri,

I think you bring up some very good points, thank you for sharing this.

I look at my non behaviors as being very arrogant and controlling just as I do BPD behaviors.

I have definitely seen some of my "helping" behaviors as controlling, and that can be a hard pill to swallow.  Helping and "saving" can communicate a message to our partners that they are not capable of helping themselves, and I don't think many people like to feel that way – I know I don't.  Of course, this can happen in lots of situations and relationships.  How can I know what is best for another adult, when clearly I often don't seem to know what is even best for myself?

Attempting to control things in my relationships stems from wanting to guarantee the happiness and need-fulfillment of my significant other, even to the point of completely ignoring my own, so that the person will stick around, or continue to love me.  At that moment, after all, my biggest need is that the relationship continue.    For example, when my partner doesn't feel satisfied or happy or whatever, the result is that I feel anxiety, and my coping mechanism is to do my best to make sure he/she feels better, so that I can feel better . How unselfish is that?

Like Mutt said, we need to take care of issues in our own backyard, and these survival mechanisms are really our (backward) way of taking care of our needs!  But we have outgrown this strategy, it doesn't work anymore,  and at least for me, I am trying to learn a new way of relating that honors both people in the relationship as capable and willing partners.

So make note of the red flags, but focus on your own responses.  

I think this is very wise advice.  It all starts (and ends) with us, as ultimately, our relationships teach us so much about ourselves that we cannot learn in isolation.

heartandwhole

[Mutt]

And that right there is what I was afraid to state as directly as you have here. It is a control issue and it is a very arrogant stance to take about someone you care for.

The following post is from my life experience and point of view. Everyone is different with different life experiences.

I agree. I cared very much for my wife. I didn't know about BPD but in hindsight it doesn't matter. I had my own negative personality traits and dysfunctional coping skills. I had told her to go and get help for her "anger issues". That was arrogant of me to ask because I was a part of the problem as well. I'm a stubborn man and fought just as hard as her. I would dig my heels thinking that eventually she would stop. It was a behavior that I had learned as a kid with my dad - FOO. I couldn't control the environment I grew in but I can control myself now as an adult. I can parent myself. I expected her to change because I didn't think there's anything wrong with me. Far from the truth.

Kindness, Concern, Love, Devotion.  All good things, right?  Not so much.

Positive and good qualities but I was utilizing it for the wrong reasons. I thought being kind, loving, understanding and devoted was enough to give someone  and it was a given to get it back in return. I unfortunately forgot some ingredients. Boundaries, self esteem, and my own needs.

I severely lacked boundaries. I expected my wife to know what my needs are without telling her. I was scared to use my voice. I was worried that if I had boundaries and said what things I didn't like, I wouldn't be liked or loved. If she crossed an invisible line that I was quiet about and didn't clue her in on. I started feeling resentment towards her. I thought being a nice guy and giving in to things I really didn't like was enough. That's not a healthy partnership and my resentment kept building up. My wife doesn't own that - I do.

I willingly turned myself into food for their own dysfunction.

I didn't want to end a relationship that was destined for failure because of dysfunction. I kept trying to do the same things over and over expecting different results. I expected her to change. I can't change or control another person. Change has to come from me. That's where situations and thing change - it's from within not trying to control my environment. I realized i was in the same dysfunction that I was in my childhood and I detested growing up in that. My kids where being brought up in it.

As heartandwhole stated, it's a hard pill to swallow. Looking at our own issues and emotions without distortion and avoidance is hard. It was my own dissociation of my own emotional baggage. I didn't know what made me happy either because I didn't know what my needs are and I was throwing myself into being caretaker. A parallel effect from being caretaker is that it was soothing my anxieties and stress. I wasn't taking care of myself and forgoing my needs. I didn't think that I had needs, my needs where trying to fix, control and sacrifice myself to others.

I realized that this pattern was there before my wife. She's the reason why I joined bpdfamily. She also indirectly helped me with figuring out why I was not happy for a long time. It took a disorder for me to wake up and stop hitting the snooze button. It was a bittersweet experience. I learned some BIG life lessons thanks to my wife. I re-read my post and thought wow I had my own craziness in the r/s?

[Pingo]

Wow, the title of this thread is amazing!     Well done Mutt and thank you so much for joining me! 

I'm thankful for meeting her to find the truth about myself. I cannot find happiness in another person, I have to be happy with myself.

Oooh, I like your attitude!

I was arrogant and controlling as well. Why am I trying to fix someone when I'm not taking care of issues in my own backyard? I saw patterns as well in my FOO that I brought into the relationship.

And that right there is what I was afraid to state as directly as you have here.  It is a control issue and it is a very arrogant stance to take about someone you care for.  I have had the (un)fortunate experience of being both the fixer and the fixee.  The fixer role is one I have had since childhood.  It is hard to change it because it is so ingrained and had come to mean Kindness, Concern, Love, Devotion.  All good things, right?  Not so much.  As the fixee in a few relationships, boy can I tell you it is a very demoralizing and frustrating place to be.  At first there was gratitude and relief, but eventually I came to resent the underlying attitude of arrogance and almost a tolerance of me.  Love, to me, included being tolerated... .like a child or a freaking puppy, so eager for love.  The feeling of being managed was stifling, insulting, hurtful.  The arrogance that is inherent in the Fixer permeates everything, every interaction, every conversation. 

The thing I hated the most about being the fixee was that it often robbed me of the joy of self discovery.  I know, I sound like a feminine products commercial with that line, but work with me here    But the lessons don't stick if someone else does all the work for you.  haha, we can see that by just looking at the times we took the role of fixer with our exes... .we knew how to fix them but rarely if ever looked inward.  And so here we are, some of us for repeating the same old patterns since childhood. 

I just had a flash of more insight (or maybe it is more of a confirmation )that one of the reasons I was willing to let my ex and others take the role of fixer with me, is that I recognize that they use the Fixer role to feel good about themselves or to carry out a script they have been following since childhood... .and so of course I revert back to old patterns of shrinking myself down and being helpless so they can feel good and be the strong, giving, tolerant person they see themselves as.     <--- to myself for not being true to me and to them for their arrogance and selfishness.  Both my ex and one friend in particular (just ended an almost 10 year friendship with him last month) were incapable of accepting that I might know something or might be a bit better at something then they were.  I knew that by the change in the tone of their voice or a stiffening in posture... .so very easy for anyone to read those signals but especially for me who was raised in an environment where reading such signals was vital to escaping a freaking war.  My reactions were the same as when I was a kid and when used as an adult, they forced me back into the role of taking care of others needs and making myself small so that others can feel good about themselves. 

I willingly turned myself into food for their own dysfunction. 

Yeah.

Wise words in this whole thread!  Harri, you gave me an aha moment reading this.  I have been exploring the idea of my need for control in this dysfunctional r/s and others before (non BPD but not healthy), always being the caretaker or taking more than my 50% responsibility for the r/s... .And during this time I have also been feeling like I'm tired of being the person people see me as... .as someone who can't choose her own life, make her own decisions.  I have very opinionated people in my life that think it's their job to tell me how to live my life and lately it's been driving me nuts.  It makes me feel like they see me as some kind of idiot, inept, incapable of figuring things out for myself.  In addition to ending my r/s with my uBPDh, it appears I have also lost a friendship with my best friend of 19 years.  I got tired of hearing her telling me how to live my life and I stood up to her and told her it upset me.  She didn't take that well, me changing the dynamics of our r/s.  She has pushed me away!  So now I am grieving two important relationships!  I didn't until now see the comparison about how I feel being treated that way and what I've done to my ex being the caretaker in my marriage!  There is an arrogance in me that I hate in others so much.  That's a hard pill to swallow!  But a starting point to healthier me I hope.  Not surprisingly my mother was super controlling, never trusted me to make good decisions (although she pretended to but then would backstab me over and over), and basically sees me as a failure in many facets of my life... .not a coincidence, I know! 

[Ihope2]

I have abandonment and displacement issues.  I have been the "Lonely Child" growing up.  My parents divorced bitterly when I was 7 and my relationship with my father, which was never a healthy, warm, nurturing one, basically withered and died.

My mother remarried a Narcissistic and controlling man, and became less and less emotionally available to me during the course of the next 15 years of her troubled marriage to this man.  He cheated on her, even when she had a bout of hospitalisation for cancer of the larynx.  He basically dumped her and us and declared that he wanted to divorce her.  We had moved from our "home country" and were living in a foreign country.

I have had times in my life where I have felt so alone, so misunderstood, so abandoned, so lonely, so in culture shock, so weird, so displaced, so strange and far from the norm. 

I re-connected with my biological father from ages 20 - 25 as a student who was financially dependent on him.  It was a very fraught relationship, with a lot of anger, confusion and bitterness from all the things that went down in the past, and he projected a lot of his anger and resentment about how he felt about my mother, onto my siblings and myself, who all came back to live with our father.

I pursued my studies and kept to myself, I had trouble connecting to others and I took up long-distance running.  Solitary, lonely pursuits for a solitary, lonely girl.

I had some one-dimensional, unbalanced and unhealthy relationships with troubled men, mentally unwell people, personality disordered, NPD and most recently BPD.  Even though in relationships and doing activities together, I still felt lonely, misunderstood, and even punished by these men.  I was in a completely Codependent dynamic:  feeling that I could only prove my worth by giving and not expecting much in return.

I have had this codependent dynamic in my family of origin too, that is where it started, with my emotionally collapsed and drama-addicted mother.

Somewhere along the line, I seemed to think that I had to be the stable and reliable, dependable one in the family, at all costs.  Because nobody else was.

So I took on the Caretaker role, and developed a predisposition to form "trauma bond" relationships, especially in my intimate relationships with men.

I had an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and an overriding loyalty towards those who betrayed me and used me for their own selfish needs.

And at the heart of it all, I have been supressing feelings of being LONELY, HURT, ABANDONED, DISPLACED, INSIGNIFICANT, A BURDEN ON OTHERS, SUPERFLUOUS, UNWANTED. 

I have felt that there is nobody for me.  I am this person who wanders through life alone, disconnected and disjointed from others.  An outsider who feels like she doesn't belong anywhere.

This is what I have been carrying around with me, where ever I went.  There I was... .

[winston72]

I am going to be reading this thread through a few times.  So very helpful!

Such acute personal hurt and needs that are expressed by denying those hurts and needs.  Wanting sympathy, understanding and love I seek it by extending it to others, or trying to  It is a confounding path in life.  My needs are so buried and distant from me, but I am highly sensitized to emotions and reactions in others.  It feels foreign and dull to listen to my own needs, immediate and rewarding to respond to those of another. 

Still sorting all of this out.  I am trying to listen to myself and see where it leads me.  I am 59 years old and feel like I have the self awareness of an early adolescent... .and not in a good way!  Just learning how to "feel my own feelings" (how odd to be learning this at my age... .) and go from there. 

Thank you all for your thoughts, feelings and insights here... .

[Stjarna]

It feels foreign and dull to listen to my own needs, immediate and rewarding to respond to those of another. 

Still sorting all of this out.  I am trying to listen to myself and see where it leads me.  I am 59 years old and feel like I have the self awareness of an early adolescent... .and not in a good way!  Just learning how to "feel my own feelings" (how odd to be learning this at my age... .) and go from there. 

Thank you all for your thoughts, feelings and insights here... .

THIS!  This whole thread is helping me very much.  Thank you all for your honesty and eloquence in getting things from swirling around in your head down through your fingers to be able to type it.  I don't post a lot because I have difficulty doing this, but believe me, I am with you all.  So thank you, thank you again everyone. 

And Winston72, I am also 59 and going through the exact same thing... .learning to feel my own feelings after stuffing them down, placating, walking on eggshells to avoid conflict in my family.  What a job that was.  How much damage it did.  Don't know if I have enough years left on this earth to completely be "whole," (whatever that is), but I will dig and dig.  Thank you.

[seeking balance]

Harri,

You have started a master class thread in detachment and personal growth.  Certainly the silver lining to these relationships if we take the time to dig deep within.

The fixer role is one I have had since childhood.  It is hard to change it because it is so ingrained and had come to mean Kindness, Concern, Love, Devotion.  All good things, right? 

YES - but in my FOO we didn't balance this... .it was this extreme or

  As the fixee in a few relationships, boy can I tell you it is a very demoralizing and frustrating place to be.  At first there was gratitude and relief, but eventually I came to resent the underlying attitude of arrogance and almost a tolerance of me.  Love, to me, included being tolerated... .like a child or a freaking puppy, so eager for love.  The feeling of being managed was stifling, insulting, hurtful.  The arrogance that is inherent in the Fixer permeates everything, every interaction, every conversation. 

This... .nothing in the middle.

My BPD relationship - the extremes, was normal feeling to me... .take care of me or I take care of you,this is love right?

Balance for me:

- ask for help when needed, not looking to be saved

- I matter because I am me, not because I am saving you

- love means letting you grow at your pace not based on my needs

- respect, for myself

I am fundamentally changed since this relationship.  Developing new, healthy patterns has not been easy... .it didn't "feel" right.  I focused on actions at first and let the feelings catch up.

We all do the best we can - sometimes it is easier than others.  My favorite opening line from a book is Scott Peck, Road Less Traveled "Live is Difficult" - it is true, but it also can be amazing.

BPD relationships, if we get out of our own way, can really open us up to our own growth - emotionally, spiritually and mentally.

Thanks for this thread Harri - I do hope to continue seeing you on these boards.

Peace,

SB

[thereishope]

I had an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and an overriding loyalty towards those who betrayed me and used me for their own selfish needs.

And at the heart of it all, I have been supressing feelings of being LONELY, HURT, ABANDONED, DISPLACED, INSIGNIFICANT, A BURDEN ON OTHERS, SUPERFLUOUS, UNWANTED. 

I have felt that there is nobody for me.  I am this person who wanders through life alone, disconnected and disjointed from others.  An outsider who feels like she doesn't belong anywhere.

This is what I have been carrying around with me, where ever I went.  There I was... .

As I sit here with tears in my eyes, I realize this post has opened up something in me... .I so much want to address MYSELF and to fix what is broken inside of ME.  My uBPDh is the avenue God has taken to allow me to finally see myself for more of who I REALLY AM.  I want to be real.  I want to be whole.  I want to be healthy and to love people in healthy ways.  It's soo hard because I have children, and this 2nd husband with BPD who need me to be healthy and whole now... .AND I am trying to make the decision even to stay in this marriage because I have experienced the slow demise of ME here, as many of you can relate with... .(or however much of ME I have actually been up to this point... .)

I AM thankful though, for God revealing to me my codependency issues, my control issues, my knack for being drawn to NPD (first hubby), and BPD (current hubby)... .I DO NOT want to perpetuate ANY of these bad qualities, whether theirs or my own, any longer into the minds/hearts/lives of my children (from first marriage)... .

I trust I WILL come out of all of this much stronger, and a much better person overall.  Right now it's just really, reallllllly hard.

[seeking balance]

  I want to be real.  I want to be whole. 

You ARE real and whole - even if it doesn't feel like it, it is true - right here, right now you are enough.

Affirmations have been a very big part of my recovery process - doing them even when I didn't "feel" it.

,

SB

[thereishope]

  I want to be real.  I want to be whole. 

You ARE real and whole - even if it doesn't feel like it, it is true - right here, right now you are enough.

Affirmations have been a very big part of my recovery process - doing them even when I didn't "feel" it.

,

SB

Thank you, SB.  I believe that is true... .Understanding we are all imperfect, yet magnificent creatures, created by God for a specific, unique purpose, each of us!  Thank you for realigning my thinking here... .  Amazing what our words reveal when we say/write them, isn't it.  Thanks for taking the time to affirm me.   

[Mutt]

I had to search deep after my wife left. So many wounds were opened. As I was putting all of the pieces together I found my answer. The gift of the borderline.

It starts at your FOO. I had a disconnection with my mind, emotions and spirit. A dysfunctional relationship with myself and had dysfunctional relationships externally. I am co-dependent. I grew up in a shame based, patriarchal, emotionally dishonest home with a narcissistic father. He grew up in such a household as well.  My mother was ill from the age of 6 until 8 and died.

I formed a core relationship with self in childhood. I built a relationship with self, life and other people on this foundation. A programming to feel imperfect and emotionally dishonest and set up to live life reacting to the emotional trauma from childhood. Because I felt shame as a person - a human being and it didn't bring  joy or inner piece.

That is why I am grateful to my wife and her letting me go. She tought me I dont have the power to change others. I have the power to change the relationship with myself.  Embrace, accept, have compassion for and set boundaries for all parts of self. Learning to love myself will allow me to love others in a healthy way.

That is the gift I was given to learn to embrace and love myself from a difficult and misunderstood disorder. I had to work through my issues and not hate, blame or alienate my wife to find the answers.

[Harri]

I am so very pleased to have other people join me on this thread.  Thank you all for sharing such intimate stuff and for the kind words.  I am slow to process the stuff that is big for me *and* I have a hard time accepting kind words and compliments.  I have gotten better with that over the years, but I still freeze inside and go a bit numb... .I lose my thoughts.  I shut down for a bit.  Crazy huh?  Pfft, you haven't seen anything yet!     Here is a snapshot of my internal struggle with this thread.  (Hang in there cuz it is all good, or at least entertaining if you look at it just right!) 

So, call me stupid or a nasty name, hit me even, and while it may hurt, I can deal with it,  reveal myself, open up or tell me something nice though?  I still freeze and wait for the hitch, cuz there has to be a negative coming right?  I am going to have to pay in a way that shatters me to my core right?  That's what I knew for the longest time, so I keep waiting for the hurt and I am prepared for a knock down drag out fight.  Heck, if I have to I will behave in a way that is going to guarantee a fight and give me what I am most comfortable receiving from others.  But fortunately I have realized that is an old script and I can talk myself through it but I can't quite make it all go away.  I have words to write in response to all of you who have joined me here but then I wonder if it is just going along with the fixer in me, but I know enough that that is arrogance on my part.   I actually know nothing and a bit loopy myself.  So I stay silent.

 

And then I come back to the role of fixee... .and I have to question:  am I writing this here so others can build me up and do the hard work for me?  Am I fishing for compliments?  Hoping for a cheerleader to cheer me on and tell me I can do it?  It is entirely possible as I acted that way long ago so others would be happy and feel good about themselves.  But I can see the neediness and how that sets others and me up to feed into my dysfunction.  It is me being helpless and being the fixee again.  So I stay silent.

Self awareness.  A rude awakening no matter how I look at it.

I am off to try to get past the craziness I just shared.  Thank you all for joining me and making this a comfortable place to be where I am at right now.  I hope I did not scare anyone off with the above.  I keep waiting for people to label me BPD cuz... .well, heck, look at all I just wrote.  But I am prepared should anyone dare to utter such words... .I am ready to fight to the end... .dammit.      

<big sigh> I'll be back.     And thank you again for giving me the opening to speak.

[thereishope]

It starts at your FOO. I had a disconnection with my mind, emotions and spirit. A dysfunctional relationship with myself and had dysfunctional relationships externally. I am co-dependent. I grew up in a shame based, patriarchal, emotionally dishonest home with a narcissistic father. He grew up in such a household as well.

I formed a core relationship with self in childhood. I built a relationship with self, life and other people on this foundation. A programming to feel imperfect and emotionally dishonest and set up to live life reacting to the emotional trauma from childhood. Because I felt shame as a person - a human being and it didn't bring  joy or inner piece.

That is why I am grateful to my wife and her letting me go. She tought me I dont have the power to change others. I have the power to change the relationship with myself.  Embrace, accept, have compassion for and set boundaries for all parts of self. Learning to love myself will allow me to love others in a healthy way.

I'm interested in any insight you might have on this subject, Mutt, and anyone else who might have experienced this type of childhood leading to this emotional dishonesty, and a need to find and work on "who I really am" authentically. ... .I too,  am thankful for uBPDh r/s which has brought out the worst in me, and given me a very strong desire to become as real and as healthy as I can become!

Your thoughts? ... .

[seeking balance]

So I stay silent.

Self awareness.  A rude awakening no matter how I look at it.

Umm, if this is you being silent... .keep it going.

And then I come back to the role of fixee... .and I have to question:  am I writing this here so others can build me up and do the hard work for me?  Am I fishing for compliments?  Hoping for a cheerleader to cheer me on and tell me I can do it?  It is entirely possible as I acted that way long ago so others would be happy and feel good about themselves.  But I can see the neediness and how that sets others and me up to feed into my dysfunction.  It is me being helpless and being the fixee again. 

Well, it is a support group, so there will be a bit of cheerleading and a dose of reality check all in balance 

Talking about our own struggles means they are real and when they are real, we can at least see them.  Working past them can only be done by the owner of the mind/body... .

A great thing about this group is WE all get to practice letting go with each other; share our stories, what worked and what doesn't then move along with our own lives... .

I keep waiting for people to label me BPD cuz... .well, heck, look at all I just wrote.  But I am prepared should anyone dare to utter such words... .I am ready to fight to the end... .dammit.      

<big sigh> I'll be back.     And thank you again for giving me the opening to speak.

Labels, honestly don't matter to me (it took a long time for me to get here, btw).  So what if you, me or anyone else here is BPD or anything else?  We still have to do the same inner work, there is no short cut either way.

- DBT skills work for everyone - BPD, ptsd, codependency, grief, pick an issue, these skills work.

- Mindfulness works for everyone

- A balanced life works for everyone

Detaching comes in layers; self-inquiry is such an important step and digging deep in here, pays huge dividends.  It doesn't mean we won't have hard days, it means we can sit with ourselves and really, honestly feel it is all ok... .life is ok, I am ok

[thereishope]

So, call me stupid or a nasty name, hit me even, and while it may hurt, I can deal with it,  reveal myself, open up or tell me something nice though?  I still freeze and wait for the hitch, cuz there has to be a negative coming right?  I am going to have to pay in a way that shatters me to my core right?  That's what I knew for the longest time, so I keep waiting for the hurt and I am prepared for a knock down drag out fight.  Heck, if I have to I will behave in a way that is going to guarantee a fight and give me what I am most comfortable receiving from others.  But fortunately I have realized that is an old script and I can talk myself through it but I can't quite make it all go away.  I have words to write in response to all of you who have joined me here but then I wonder if it is just going along with the fixer in me, but I know enough that that is arrogance on my part.   I actually know nothing and a bit loopy myself.  So I stay silent.

 

And then I come back to the role of fixee... .and I have to question:  am I writing this here so others can build me up and do the hard work for me?  Am I fishing for compliments?  Hoping for a cheerleader to cheer me on and tell me I can do it?  It is entirely possible as I acted that way long ago so others would be happy and feel good about themselves.  But I can see the neediness and how that sets others and me up to feed into my dysfunction.  It is me being helpless and being the fixee again.  So I stay silent.

Self awareness.  A rude awakening no matter how I look at it.

I am off to try to get past the craziness I just shared.  Thank you all for joining me and making this a comfortable place to be where I am at right now.  I hope I did not scare anyone off with the above.  I keep waiting for people to label me BPD cuz... .well, heck, look at all I just wrote.  But I am prepared should anyone dare to utter such words... .I am ready to fight to the end... .dammit.      

<big sigh> I'll be back.     And thank you again for giving me the opening to speak.

Thank you as well,  Harri, for sharing your deep thoughts and struggles. I can relate with your words very much. I think we mirror and project and end up acting like our BPD SO after a while. I have done things I never would have dreamed of. I am a peacemaker at heart,  an encourager, naturally laid back,  patient, kind to everyone even to a fault,  maybe a bit naive to shady characters that way. ... .Well, through this BPD r/s, I have seen and felt things rise up in me that it took A LOT of verbal abuse and encounters with Mr.Hyde to bring to the surface. At times I'm sure I've looked crazy because of the unexplainable hurt I was feeling and the destruction of ME that I have felt as a result of time after time of devaluation by uBPDh. Any insecurity I had became worse as a result of it being virtually impossible to trust in a "love"that hurts deeply and frequently. ... .I have felt an anger building, sometimes to the point of simply crying out,  "I CAN'T TAKE THIS SH##% T ANYMORE! !" I even have physically pushed uBPDh a couple of times when he was raging, and I also punched myself in the head a couple times... .Feeling likea caged animal while being verbally attacked with no lasting relief in sight had really taken is toll. I see tendencies of both fixer and fixee in me and both are very tired of trying to manage and find solutions. ... .I too have wondered if I could be labeled BPD, but I believe I'm too codependent for that.  Lol