Painful process of letting go of family

[funfunctional]

Nothing has ever felt so right but yet my heart does ache now and then that I don't have my sister in my life anymore.    What is difficult is losing contact with her two children.   My kids ask about them.   My kids only cousins.    But I don't have to be nervous when she calls or worried about what I say.  I already have completely ticked her off!

I step back and look at the drama and pain this woman is in... .and how she lives... .and how gradually everyone is retreating from her life.

My dad of course - well he is "going by" her house to for various silly reasons.   Needs to bring phone number to her... .etc.    What will happen is that he will make up with her and then try to guilt me into apologizing for something I didn't do.  She smugly would still be nasty if I did this once again... .and I would never get an "i'm sorry" from her.    My dad should EXPECT an apology but apparently will allow bad behavior and kiss up to her.   This isn't going to happen with me this time.    I see the pattern.

I get the same silly information from my dad.  She is looking good.  Her criminal creepy boyfriend is only there one afternoon a week to "clean for her".   BS for sure.   Let him do his rationalizing.

I will say I had a telling dream.   My sister was coming at me angrily and aggressively and I kept deflecting her blows.   She was trying to break into my house in the dream.    I asked my dad to call 911 a number of times and he made up excuses not to.     I woke up in a sweat.        Couldn't fall back asleep.

I guess the healing keeps going on.  Grief is a reality of losing a BPD family member.   Shutting people off is not easy.

Good luck to everyone else in this position.

[Harri]

It is hard to let go of a family member or anyone we care about.  I remember how hard it was after leaving my family, but we have a right, if not a duty, to take care of our Self and this is especially true because you have your own kids.  My mom had split me black and I was trash in her eyes.  It was the same thing that happened when I was a kid, but it was all so clear to me after finding out about BPD and moving out. 

She turned all the hate and anger she had towards me and then used my brother and father to try to manipulate me in many ways.  One thing I finally realized is that while my father was acting as her messenger in a way, he was also playing his own game of passive aggressive manipulation with me.  That realization, that it was his own stuff that was mostly motivating him to try to get me back, made it much easier for me to figure out how to handle him.  I felt less sympathy for the tough position he was in and saw him as his own jailor.  I finally told my father that he would no longer be welcome to visit if he continued to play her games and that I did not want to hear about her and do not tell me she is hurt, etc.  I told my brother the very same thing.  After, they were a bit stand-offish but I told myself they had just as much of a right to care for themselves as I did.  For them, that meant siding with my mother at the time.  I did not agree with the choice and it hurt like hell, but I had to let them make their own choices while protecting myself.  My dad still had to live with her and my brother was still enmeshed.  The best I could do was set boundaries and establish rules of conduct on the phone and in my home and hope they would come to see things more clearly.  She had to die for my dad to look back and admit she was crazy.  My brother is still grieving the mom we never had.  All I can do is hope he comes around and be here waiting for him to support him.  We have contact but I can tell he still sees me as the dumb rebellious mean person my mother taught his to see me as.  That hurts like hell and has led to quite a few battles since our parents dies.  He is finally starting to let go of trying to control me.   

Sometimes I am hyper aware of words so please forgive me if I am off track here.  I keep thinking of your phrase "shutting people off is not easy".  Are you really shutting off your sister or are you protecting you and yours?  Maybe it is just silly semantics, but I think for me there was a difference and that difference made my choice easier to bear. 

Your dream is fascinating and so very telling of the way you feel and how this all played out in reality.  I wonder how that dream will change in a month or two when there is a bit more distance from recent events. 

[funfunctional]

thank you Harri.

I think the wording may be important.   When I wrote my post I was feeling some guilt.   But it really is "self protection" and not "shutting people out".    I think I reached my breaking point with my sister and there is a lot of "passive aggressive maniuplation" with my dad.  Although my dad has admitted she is mentally ill to me.   I have to say to myself "she is his child".    So he is trying to keep in touch and make sure she is "ok".   Still - he enables her and doesn't say to her "your behavior is wrong and YOU owe an apology.

Your family dynamics with brother and father and then hearing of your mom passing struck a cord with me.   My husband's mother is a serious BPD sufferer.  He hasn't spoken to her in years.  Yup - self protection shut off.   We hear thru my husband's sister who still deals with her stuff that attempts to push buttons but we blow it off now and don't respond.     Sister knows how sick she is but even at that certain information gets passed unknowingly for button pushing.    drama!  LOL      Just yesterday I said to my husband "the only chance you and your sister have at a relationship with your dad is if your mom passes".   That sums it up.  Sad as he has allowed this to go on for years.   He has been asked to get her into help.   He chooses to believe all her lies and allow his grandchildren  and children to be affected by her.   I can't feel bad for him.     Enabler.

thanks for your comments!  

[Gone2Long]

Hugs to both of you funfunctional and Harri... .I have been lurking on these boards for a number of years to get some insight into the behaviors and minds of the BPD world.  It never ceases to amaze me how some family members simply don't "get it".  Or... they understand, it's just that they 1) can't cope 2) Desperately want things to be "normal"  3) Want to salvage even the appearance of family so others will see that everyone is "OK".  I'm not a believer in over-analyzing a situation and want solutions myself... .but family trying to get you to "embrace the same dog that keeps biting you" isn't one that I think makes any sense.

[funfunctional]

Hi Gone to Long,

I like that "embrace the same dog that keeps biting you".

Yup... .that is how I feel.  It took a lot of bites to get there!


Thank you.       

[isilme]

It's a very hard process to realize that family sometimes are the worst, not best, people for you.  I find I have a hard time with my NC status because I live in a region with very huge families, and my "orphan" status is confusing to them. 

I will say that much of the day-to-day strife you've faced will gladly be gone from your life, but prepared for some melancholy at the holidays and other special times you used to share - it's okay to be NC, but your heart and brain don't always agree about it.

But it really is "self protection" and not "shutting people out".

Just hold onto this and I hope you're all okay.

[mkatherine14]

Nothing has ever felt so right but yet my heart does ache now and then that I don't have my sister in my life anymore.    What is difficult is losing contact with her two children.   My kids ask about them.   My kids only cousins.    But I don't have to be nervous when she calls or worried about what I say.  I already have completely ticked her off!

I step back and look at the drama and pain this woman is in... .and how she lives... .and how gradually everyone is retreating from her life.

My dad of course - well he is "going by" her house to for various silly reasons.   Needs to bring phone number to her... .etc.    What will happen is that he will make up with her and then try to guilt me into apologizing for something I didn't do.  She smugly would still be nasty if I did this once again... .and I would never get an "i'm sorry" from her.    My dad should EXPECT an apology but apparently will allow bad behavior and kiss up to her.   This isn't going to happen with me this time.    I see the pattern.

I get the same silly information from my dad.  She is looking good.  Her criminal creepy boyfriend is only there one afternoon a week to "clean for her".   BS for sure.   Let him do his rationalizing.

I will say I had a telling dream.   My sister was coming at me angrily and aggressively and I kept deflecting her blows.   She was trying to break into my house in the dream.    I asked my dad to call 911 a number of times and he made up excuses not to.     I woke up in a sweat.        Couldn't fall back asleep.

I guess the healing keeps going on.  Grief is a reality of losing a BPD family member.   Shutting people off is not easy.

Good luck to everyone else in this position.

I'm really sorry to hear about your sister. I am in a pretty similar situation. My sister got her diagnosis of BPD a few months ago, but I suspect it has been around for much longer. She has basically shut my whole family out of her life and is full of anger about things that aren't rational. I know how painful it is, but you are doing the right thing for you and your family.