NC day 2, now his therapist wants a conference call

[Recooperating]

Hi every one,

I need help! I am at day 2 of NC. Sometime ago my exBP told me a weird story about his therapist. She had told him a lot of inapropriate personal information about her sex life ( Ill spear you the details) and he didnt want to go anymore. Besides he said that I am the crazy one and needed to be locked up in a psych-ward and there was nothing wrong with him.

After yet another split, telling me I wanted him to die and would t morn hos loss, telling me Im a controlling b___, not worthy of love, making the devil look kind because the phone connection dropped and he thought I had hung up, I left.

We've been in a relationship on and off for 14 years. I had to deal with cheating, lying, a lot of false accusations, manipulation, emotional abuse, well you all know the drill. It affected my health severly. I am burned out, drained, unable to work and very unstable. I needed to rest, but my exBP didnt allow me, he wanted all my time and attention. So I got worse... .

I got help from a therapist to, we are working on setting boundaries, cause I enable my exBP to the max. He got worse and tested and tested my limits. Last tuesday he split again and I was done... .

You will not believe the things he said to me... .

The fact that he didnt get help, didnt do any of the exsizes his former therapist gave him. Didnt read, didnt do anything while I was reading all the books and trying better ways for us to communicate, made me realize this will never work.

I need to take care of me instead of taking care of him all the time.

This morning the therapist send me an email requesting a conference call with my exBP present to talk things out and make him understand why I left. I emailed him why I left, we spoke on the phone (wasnt pretty from his side). Now all of a sudden he's seeing this therapist again and I have to explain myself?

I am glad he is back to getting help, he needs it. Not for me, for him... .But I am really questioning if this is another manipulation attempt to win me back. I dont think he's serious at all!

What do I do?

[Infared]

Well... .you are on the "Leaving : Detaching From the Wounds of a Failed BPD Relationship" discussion page. So that indicates to me that this relationship is over as far as you are concerned. First I would say that you should discuss thuroughly  with and get guidance from your T.  

I made the mistake of going to a therapy session with my expwBPD and her new T without consulting my T. The session was REALLY bad for me.  My ex lied repeatedly and was believed and supported by her T (because she had manipulated her T, just like she does everyone else), and I have to say that IMHO her T was VERY unprofessional, making assumptions about me and insulting me after just having met me moments before. I conducted myself like a mature, calm adult but was not treated with dignity or the respect I deserved from either party. It was very painful to me as I was extremely vulnerable at that point in my life after being cheated on and abandoned by my expwBPD.

Since you have already alluded to the inappropriate comments from his T, and you are here on the "Leaving" board... .I would tell you take care of you, stay away from the toxicity of both of them and just go Total NC and start moving on with YOUR life. Not easy, but make the statement and get started. Again, I would definitely consult your T and talk this situation over.

[Ceruleanblue]

If it were me, perhaps I'd write something the therapist could read to your ex, but I would refuse to take part in any session or phone call with exBP. I'm sort of stunned that a therapist would ask that of you. Therapists are not always right, and this is your ex's therapist, right? It doesn't sound as if this would be a good deal for you. I recently took part in a therapy session with my uBPDh's angry daughter, and my therapist advised me not to do it. I knew it would be bad, and sure enough, it was. It accomplished nothing other than to let his daughter unload on me, be hateful to me, and further mess up my mental health.

So based on my experience, save yourself the drama and stress. It's good that you are working on you now. I think a healthy dose of skepticism is good when dealing with pwBPD. We learn to become skeptical because we've been hurt so many times, and we see how hard any real change is for them. Some people manage to stay, and some with BPD do make improvements, but I'm not putting all my eggs in that basket anymore.

We need to value ourselves, and take care of ourselves, because those with BPD surely won't. You know what is going to do the least damage to YOU. Whatever that is: Do that. If it's more damaging to talk to him, just don't do it. His getting better, and working his issues is not dependent on YOU.

[Recooperating]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I am so thankfull for the help offered on this forum. Friends and family do not understand and I am so glad I can get help and answers here! I am so losing my sanity sometimes!

I have been twisting and turning about this and feeling so guilty! When I read the request from his therapist I immediately went into "helper-care giver-rescue" mode! A role I had for so many years! If I were to take half the care of myself that I gave him, I would be Gandhi in person!

I feel guilty about leaving him because of the disorder. Its not his fault he has BP and Im judging him for it. He knows that! I just need to come to realise its not my fault either... .People break up all the time, for stupid reasons like leaving the toilet seat up. No questions asked there... .But when its a BP relationship all of a sudden we need to explain and justify ourselfs?

[Aussie JJ]

He is trying to fill his need

What do you need, think of your health... .

[Recooperating]

Pffff ! I did it... .I emailed his T. that I respectfully decline.

I told her that my exBP needs a strong and better person than me.

I told her that I am not able to handle his attacks and splitting anymore and that it damages my own health. I know I should take his accusations and abuse personal, but I am not capable of doing so. That instead, I get really angry and yell at him in return. This is not a healthy situation for the both of us. It hurts him and me.

I told her that due to my own youth trauma, I am unable to set clear boundaries, that due to an unfulfilling unbringing from my parents I believe I have to earn love instead of receiving it unconditionally. I see the patterns in my own behaviour that have enabled him to treat me the way he did.

I told her I need to work on my own health and stability before I can engage in any kind of relationship. I have been the rescuer, the therapist in this relationship, but thats not a healthy base for a relationship. My needs were totally neglected and now I am focussing on myself.

I told her that nothing I do or say can ever fill the void he feels. He needs to love himself first so he will believe he is loved by another. Ironically this is my lesson too.

So I will continue NC... .Day 2 and counting!

Damn what a ride!

[Infared]

Pffff ! I did it... .I emailed his T. that I respectfully decline.

I told her that my exBP needs a strong and better person than me.

I told her that I am not able to handle his attacks and splitting anymore and that it damages my own health. I know I should take his accusations and abuse personal, but I am not capable of doing so. That instead, I get really angry and yell at him in return. This is not a healthy situation for the both of us. It hurts him and me.

I told her that due to my own youth trauma, I am unable to set clear boundaries, that due to an unfulfilling unbringing from my parents I believe I have to earn love instead of receiving it unconditionally. I see the patterns in my own behaviour that have enabled him to treat me the way he did.

I told her I need to work on my own health and stability before I can engage in any kind of relationship. I have been the rescuer, the therapist in this relationship, but thats not a healthy base for a relationship. My needs were totally neglected and now I am focussing on myself.

I told her that nothing I do or say can ever fill the void he feels. He needs to love himself first so he will believe he is loved by another. Ironically this is my lesson too.

So I will continue NC... .Day 2 and counting!

Damn what a ride!

I know that this is new ground four you, that is why I suggested that you consult your T.  I think you made the correct choice for your self, but your letter could have simply said:

"No thank you."  Keep no contact and keep it simple. Just focus on taking care of you now.

[Recooperating]

Infrared, you are right. I should not have to defend my decisions to anyone... .

Too concerned of what people may think I guess.

Its a process I guess. Thank you for your advice. You are right, new to this and still a lot to learn!

[Infared]

Infrared, you are right. I should not have to defend my decisions to anyone... .

Too concerned of what people may think I guess.

Its a process I guess. Thank you for your advice. You are right, new to this and still a lot to learn!

Well... .I am no expert... I just know that when I was at the stage you are at (very difficult), I was very emotional and caught up in all of the FOG and drama.  I was not in a position to make healthy, solid decisions for myself and I needed a lot of help and guidance. (I did not even know that my ex was a pwBPD). I found a good T and got in a self help group and relied on their guidance for many of my decisions and actions. I needed to be "contained" as I was very angry and hurt for the way I was being treated. I also needed a LOT of support for all of the pain that I was in. Too much for my friends, etc... .I needed more support. Recognizing that and admitting it was the start of the journey for me. It was quite a roller-coaster ride.