BPD r/s - Creation of NON's idea of perfect r/s

[pari]

I had the thought this morning.

Reason why BPD r/s hit us NONs (and ofcourse BPDs) so hard is because it is the perfect r/s we envision for ourselves. When we find a needy person, we start living in the dream where everything is perfect and comfortable, just as we wanted in a r/s. BPD just play a role in making this reality come true for us. They just Mirror. Ultimately their aim is to make us happy so we stick with them. They act like a needy illogical child who would do anything to make mamma happy and get mamma's attention. We get a kick out of this and take our dream to the next level, demanding more from the r/s, from BPD partner, from ourselves. And then we both realize that this is not what we signed for. Somewhere down the line we realize that there is more to life than BPD r/s and we want to expand our horizon. BPD can't accept this and starts throwing tantrums to get attention, resulting in push-pull. We also wake up to realize that this is not part of the dream, the perfect r/s and get upset. And things fall apart.


I am not sure about others on the forum but this is exactly what happened with me. It hurt me so hard because it was my reality, my dream and hence it is so difficult to let go.

[Loveofhislife]

Beautifully written--definitely my experience. In business lingo. We came to see eventually that the cost (the abuse) did not outweigh the benefit (the dream). Very disheartening and disappointing.

[Recooperating]

Absolutely true! I was in love with the dream, the fairytale with the happy end more then I was happy with the r/s itself. I completley lived in the future, the thought of things would eventually be instead of living in the now where the relationship totally sucked.

[Bak86]

Nicely said. Exactly how i feel right now, when i look back at the relationship.

[pari]

Beautifully written--definitely my experience. In business lingo. We came to see eventually that the cost (the abuse) did not outweigh the benefit (the dream). Very disheartening and disappointing.

Thanks Bak86, Recooperating and Loveofhislife! Thank goodness you can make sense of what I was trying to say.

I understand your pain because I am going through the same. This thought was eye opening because often we tend to put all the blame on xBPD, for everything. And at the end, we find it difficult to make peace with ourselves. Honest truth is that all the answers lie within us. We just need to look.

I am feeling so much better today accepting my role in this r/s. I have send mental apologies to my xBPDbf. Hope he understands.

[pieceofme]

Ultimately their aim is to make us happy so we stick with them. They act like a needy illogical child who would do anything to make mamma happy and get mamma's attention.

i was thinking about this, in particular, this morning. my ex appears to be trying to recycle me and saying things like, "i just want to satisfy you and make you happy. i do everything you ask!" what a strange thing to say to your romantic partner. seems more like a child begging for approval. the funny thing is, i haven't asked for anything other than for him to leave me alone.

[Popcorn71]

You described my experience with my xBPDh perfectly 

[Bak86]

Ultimately their aim is to make us happy so we stick with them. They act like a needy illogical child who would do anything to make mamma happy and get mamma's attention.

i was thinking about this, in particular, this morning. my ex appears to be trying to recycle me and saying things like, "i just want to satisfy you and make you happy. i do everything you ask!" what a strange thing to say to your romantic partner. seems more like a child begging for approval. the funny thing is, i haven't asked for anything other than for him to leave me alone.

that's actually what i said when my ex with BPD broke up with me!  

[Blimblam]

They Are a mirror.  But what we see in the pain down to the core of our being is the part if ourselves we never wanted to see.  The fear pain shame guilt all of that is us too. The part we hid from ourselves. The part of ourselves we should learn to accept to wake up from samsara. And the world of maya to know who we trully are.

[Loveofhislife]

Here's what I don't buy--I know that I have never intentionally hurt another human being. In fact, I know that my interaction with my three children, two dying parents, and lots of severely mentally I'll people on my caseload: NO ONE EVER, despite their suffering set out to intentionally hurt me--especially when their own wellbeing was directly linked to mine: co-existence at the very least. Yes, I understand they are the opposite side of the same coin. But I will never say they are like me in the way they use and abuse. Sorry, I'm old school and believe in the power of choice and free will and that is what makes us human. I believe that acting as if they have no choice or no control of their action dehumanizes them and ultimately enables them. Perhaps it even absolves us-many feeling as if we are victims. We were willing participants as were they. All have free will to positively change and develop. Again, I have worked with severely disabled mentally people who did not willingly sabotage or harm. Nor have I --other than a willingness to harm myself with this exbfBPD!

[Blimblam]

Pari,

I read you reference eastern religions and spirituality.  Look up shakti the creator and destroyer accept and process all of the experience to know her and know yourself.

When you accept and process all the pain you will know yourself and you will know her

Think of it as recognize the you that is I. And "show me where it hurts". The answers are within you. Feel it surrender to it and accept it.

[Conundrum]

Sorry, I'm old school and believe in the power of choice and free will and that is what makes us human. I believe that acting as if they have no choice or no control of their action dehumanizes them and ultimately enables them.

The disorder manifests itself relationally. It is not that they do not possess the ability to choose, but that those choices are oppositional to ordered relational mechanics.

When subjective need conflicts with objective relational value, the latter may be subsumed--as relational value is not perceived or felt in an ordered manner. Subjective need becomes the dominant drive, as soothing trumps relational value--which is neither felt nor processed in an ordered symmetrical manner.

[Blimblam]

Sorry, I'm old school and believe in the power of choice and free will and that is what makes us human. I believe that acting as if they have no choice or no control of their action dehumanizes them and ultimately enables them.

The disorder manifests itself relationally. It is not that they do not possess the ability to choose, but that those choices are oppositional to ordered relational mechanics.

When subjective need conflicts with objective relational value, the latter may be subsumed--as relational value is not perceived or felt in an ordered manner. Subjective need becomes the dominant drive, as soothing trumps relational value--which is neither felt nor processed in an ordered symmetrical manner.

Well said she wants to be distracted from the nightmare.

[ajr5679]

I am with you loveofhislife. i have never treated or been treated has the way someone with BPD can treat me. and i put people in jail and cost them . i swear it is all about them and hoe there emotions are that day.