Losing yourself slowly

[NeedHelpPls]

This is something I totally brushed off in the initial stages of my relationship, now, in retrospect, I realized how I was being manipulated into doing things, changing myself, and becoming someone far from my true-self, in order to please, fit in, and to avoid conflicts.

It started with little things,

"Oh you'd look better with shorter hair, you should cut it, can you cut it?"

"I don't like that glasses, you should wear contacts" (and sometimes she'd actually take my glasses off, it didn't really matter that I needed them to see well, although I can usually get by without one just fine).

"You should wear different pants... .its too tight on you" (ironically, the very same pants that she thought I look really good in mere months ago, and I haven't really gained any weight since either).

Little things turned into,

"I don't like that friend of yours"

"Let's just leave now, let your friends go ahead, I want to spend more time alone with you"

and eventually, onto more serious stuff, involving how she doesn't like my family... .

I was being slowly but surely, isolated from what little social circle I had left. I am not sure if it was intentional, I don't believe so, but it was happening.

I was completely alone, my partner was the only person I would hang out with, while seemingly, she would have frequent outings with friends, exercise classes, baby-showers... .non of which I was invited to.

You would expect two people would get closer and closer, but I never felt that way. We were like... a van diagram where she and I intersect in the middle, and rest of our lives are kept separate...

[elessar]

Excellent post! I was thinking of starting one in this topic.

These tiny criticisms... .slow changing of us. Its like... .deep down it feels like a  but we go ahead and do what they want because it seems so tiny. But over time it slowly increases. Within 2 months you realize you are living their fantasy. I remember back in college how my ex wanted me to shave and dress. One day she had me looking exactly like she wanted before it hit me and I said "I look exactly like your father!" It hit her too and caused her much embarrassment!

It is quite ironic because in a way they mirror us, while also slowly trying to change us. And it confuses both parties involved. They don't know who they are, and we don't know what do they want or what are they turning us into.

[tired-of-it-all]

Before I got help, if you had asked me what would make me happy, I would have told you what I thought you wanted to hear.  Living with BPD had so robbed me of myself.  Walking on eggshells and living in fear of someone's rage robs us of our feelings, needs, and desires.  It happens so slowly that we don't realize what we are doing. 

[Bak86]

Sounds familiar. My ex girlfriend would kill anyone(her words) that would try to remove any gray hairs(i only have a few) from me. And she would always be incredibly disappointed when i trimmed by beard, because it felt like sandpaper, yet when i let it grow she would complain that it tickled. i could also never run(something i love to do), because it would make me skinny. she would also demand i wear a suit to work, because it made me look hot.

and yeah i spend a lot of time with her, that made me lose my own personality and caused to see friends less and less. however when she went to see friends and i said i would like to see her more, she would say i shouldn't be such a crybaby. 

i almost never gave into her demands now that i think of it though. maybe that's the reason she broke up with me, no trust in me

[camuse]

I sometimes gave in and sometimes didn't. Sometimes it just wasn't worth 5 hours of raging. Other times I stuck to my guns, and accepted the consequences.

It's the tiny, tiny little things over time that you don't notice, the little comments and looks of disapproval, before you know it you are changing.

My ex gradually discouraged me from keeping fit, and encouraged a very unhealthy diet and lifestyle. I knew at the time it was because she didn't actually want me to look good - in case I left her. But she said it was to keep me from being boring.

Little comments about my friends, how I decorated, dressed, held my knife, walked, my brand of toothpaste, any opinion that differed from hers; they weren't healthy differences, they were targets of snide belittling comments that made me feel bad and slowly I changed. What she despised above all else however was any person I liked - including all my friends. She pulled them to pieces and said I could do better. But better meant devoting my entire life and time to her. She had no friends of her own.

Mine admitted it at the very end, when I made a comment about never going out and seeing my friends any more. She looked sad and said "because I didn't like you doing that." I think a part of her knew she was totally unreasonable, and she hated herself for it. But even when she accepted fault for a moment, she never ever once apologised for anything.

[elessar]

It's the tiny, tiny little things over time that you don't notice, the little comments and looks of disapproval

Yup. These are the words I was looking for. I am not sure how common it is for all pwBPDs. But these were the exact complaints she would have about her parents. You know how we have read so many times that children learn everything at home... .that the cycle of abuse repeats itself where the abused becomes the abuser... .when they grew up in an invalidating environment where they had to listen to tiny little things every day... .that becomes normal to them and they do that to us. sad.

[Heartandsole]

It is interesting to hear how many posts above were about the pwBPD dressing the non. Mine did that constantly, and being codependent AND not a fashion guru, I'd just go along with it.   It didn't matter if I picked out an outfit that she had previously put together, I'd have to change. 

I read recently about how we are an extension of them, and that makes sense now.  She used to say all the time, "I need to dress you so that you don't embarrass ME"  (NPD trait I guess)

It would drive me crazy how she would want me to plan things, but when I picked a restaurant, she'd always have another suggestion, or have a reason mine wasn't good enough.

After I was recently turned onto the BPD traits, I had a lunch with her (this was the first time we were meeting face to face in a couple months since our seperation.  I got to the restaurant first and sat down.  When she got there, she said "This table isn't working for me" and walked over to another table... .WOW!  I actually tucked my tail between my legs and walked over there like a puppy on a string.

Would starting out what was going to be a civil discussion with an arguement about holding my boundary on being able to choose where to sit?  Even now, I don't know how to properly handle that.  Would love a comment on that. 

Coincidentaly, that conversation was actually about negotiating a way for her to "approve" my outfit without us being together alone (post seperation) for an upcoming family wedding come to think of it!

I definitely lost myself slowly.  I realized it was just easier to go along with whatever she wanted in the beginning than to spend the time and emotional energy "discussing it"

Discussing= Her screaming, me trying to get a word in edgewise... .

[camuse]

It is interesting to hear how many posts above were about the pwBPD dressing the non. Mine did that constantly, and being codependent AND not a fashion guru, I'd just go along with it.   It didn't matter if I picked out an outfit that she had previously put together, I'd have to change. 

I read recently about how we are an extension of them, and that makes sense now.  She used to say all the time, "I need to dress you so that you don't embarrass ME"  (NPD trait I guess)

It would drive me crazy how she would want me to plan things, but when I picked a restaurant, she'd always have another suggestion, or have a reason mine wasn't good enough.

After I was recently turned onto the BPD traits, I had a lunch with her (this was the first time we were meeting face to face in a couple months since our seperation.  I got to the restaurant first and sat down.  When she got there, she said "This table isn't working for me" and walked over to another table... .WOW!  I actually tucked my tail between my legs and walked over there like a puppy on a string.

Would starting out what was going to be a civil discussion with an arguement about holding my boundary on being able to choose where to sit?  Even now, I don't know how to properly handle that.  Would love a comment on that. 

Coincidentaly, that conversation was actually about negotiating a way for her to "approve" my outfit without us being together alone (post seperation) for an upcoming family wedding come to think of it!

I definitely lost myself slowly.  I realized it was just easier to go along with whatever she wanted in the beginning than to spend the time and emotional energy "discussing it"

Discussing= Her screaming, me trying to get a word in edgewise... .

Mine was simply incapable of hearing what I had to say. Once, I said I am hanging up the phone unless you can be quiet for one minute and let me speak. She said ok, I promise to let you speak, go on. So I began. I got 3 words out and she just interrupted! I said, you cannot do it can you! She said, no I can, I promise, go on. So I took a deep breath and started again. This time I managed 5 words, and she just started talking over me again. I hung up. She called back and said, please I will let you speak this time! I tried again.  This time she did let me speak, but she didn't hear me - once I'd finished, she just went back to her own ranting.

They don't care what you have to say or how you feel, it's irrelevant to them, so adult discussion simply is not possible. Very frustrating.

[Bak86]

Mine never raised her voice. She would just mumble angry or give me the silent treatment.

[Heartandsole]

Mine would interrupt like a champ too.  Not only that she would interrupt even when she had 90% or more of the talking time.  The cherry on top was that she would interrupt, insert some twisted perception of what she thought I was going to say, and say it "for me" and then start arguing against what "I said".

So yes, she was arguing with herself half the time.  I could literally not pay attention and just start a sentence and she'd take it from there.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey NeedHelp, If you're in a r/s with a pwBPD, I think this syndrome is almost inevitable, because you learn to avoid issues rather than face a firestorm of emotion from the pwBPD.  It's a lethal pattern, in my view, because one day you look around and realize that you are totally isolated from family and friends, and have given up the things that used to bring you joy.  At that point, i decided to get my life back again, which ultimately led to a divorce from my BPDxW, a consequence that I accepted as necessary in order to recover my lost self.

Lucky Jim

[ajr5679]

I lost all self.If you told me the sky was blue I would believe you . I am not a person that cares about fashion but I do like to look good . so she would pick out my clothes all the time. when I started trying to pick out my own clothes she would make fun of me. when she moved into my home she change everything. down to how I cooked to how I drive ,but I was so addicted to her because I was so scared she would leave me again that I gave up my self. so she would not trigger leave.

[Loveofhislife]

After I was split black, for the first time in my life; I felt like I didn't know who I was or how I felt--I was lost. An entire year had been spent catering to exbfBPD. It was so weird--I felt empty and without direction. He certainly had tried to cut me off from everyone near and dear, but the only one he really cut me off from was me. I'm still trying to remember who I am. I just returned from a week of vacation with close family and friends--they would characterize me or talk about and tell stories about how strong and how stubborn and how tough I am. I wanted to say, "Who are you talking about? She doesn't live here anymore."

[Tausk]

I lost myself as well.

And that is the issue.  Why did I allow myself to become lost in the Disorder. 

It's FOO issues and Maladaptive Schemas.

And is was due to having a tenuous false self that I used to prop my ego.

I was not solid enough in who I was a person.   My ex had almost no sense of self.  I had a false sense. 

Combine that with issues of self esteem, shame, and messed up coping strategies... .

Is it any wonder that we ended up in pure hell.

So I've been working on finding my true self.  One that is based on the person that I've always wanted to be.  Not the one that I've always portrayed.

[Blimblam]

When I met my ex I was at a vulnerable stage in my life.  I was coming from a extremely authentic place within myself.  The thing is who we think we are is an illusion. You have to loose yourself to find yourself.  Everyone goes through there life seeking something we found that something within ourself with our exs but it projected into the illusion of who we think we are and who we thought they were.  The pain of this wound through the false self ones sense of self who they think they are goes all the way to the very core of who we trully are the seed within the unconscious mind.

[Loveofhislife]

Tausk: This is really interesting and worthy of exploring with T tomorrow. No doubt I (like most of us) was programmed from infancy and early childhood. Much of my childhood I was left alone or with stranger babysitters. I was very prone to day dreaming and imagination and spent countless hours programming myself with circa 1940's movies. I was repeatedly told who I was by my parents who functioned much like directors in a play; my siblings and I were the cast. Perhaps this gave birth to a false self. Maybe I should thank exbfBPD for tearing it down to give me an opportunity to get it right this time :-)

[Tausk]

Tausk: This is really interesting and worthy of exploring with T tomorrow. No doubt I (like most of us) was programmed from infancy and early childhood. Much of my childhood I was left alone or with stranger babysitters. I was very prone to day dreaming and imagination and spent countless hours programming myself with circa 1940's movies. I was repeatedly told who I was by my parents who functioned much like directors in a play; my siblings and I were the cast. Perhaps this gave birth to a false self. Maybe I should thank exbfBPD for tearing it down to give me an opportunity to get it right this time :-)

Yes, for me it was an opportunity.  I've been doing the work, and honestly, I'm more solid and real today than I've ever been in my life. Still long ways to go, but it's better.

Look on the Meyer-Biggs test for this group.  About more than 20% are INFJ's or INFP's, which is only about 4% of the gen popl.  And these groups are most invested in internal fantasy.

I had a difficult and traumatic childhood. Fantasy was the only thing that I had as a coping mechanism to keep me from going crazy.  

And that is part of the reason why I was so willing to accept the fantasy of the interaction with the Disorder.  

If you are ready, I'd would say to follow this path with your T.  

I did some of this work with my T.  Once I described my job... .It's incredibly high stress, a high degree of responsibility, with no real power to control anything on a day to day basis.

My T said, it sounds like your childhood, and your interaction with the Disorder.

She said, it sounds like that's the world you are most familiar with, and familiar pain can be an easy place to stay stuck for a lifetime.  

That was one of the gifts of Therapy for me.  

I hope you find your gifts.

T

[myself]

Finding yourself at your own pace.

[Blimblam]

Finding yourself at your own pace.

Wise words.  Acceptance.

[allinasmile]

Mine ran down all my friends men and women. If I wanted to go a local gathering place one evening he would say I am not hanging out with those "drunks". I finally said funny you used to frequent there before we started dating.  If I mentioned a trip to Italy that I had taken before meeting him he would get mad. He finally told me he would have been happy if I didn't have a life before him. He resented my adult children and any time I spent with them. Between his BPD adult daughter and him, their idea of a holiday was to only spend time with them and no one else. Prior to breakup I mentioned a friend of mine and I were going to visit my daughter in another city he told me no I wasn't. Of course I said I was and then he stated he was going on a cruise. This isn't even 1/10th of the many things he did in his attempt to confine me. Writing this down really allows me to see what a ridiculous life I led for 8 years.

[Lucky Jim]

This isn't even 1/10th of the many things he did in his attempt to confine me.

Agree, allinasmile, it's a form of confinement that stems, in my view, from the deep insecurity of the pwBPD, causing them to keep friends and family away in order to get your sole and exclusive attention, like a child holding onto a toy.  Ironically, this behavior brings about the exact result the pwBPD fears -- abandonment -- as they drive those who love them away but can't stop themselves from doing it.  Lucky Jim

[thereishope]

Mine ran down all my friends men and women. If I wanted to go a local gathering place one evening he would say I am not hanging out with those "drunks". I finally said funny you used to frequent there before we started dating.  If I mentioned a trip to Italy that I had taken before meeting him he would get mad. He finally told me he would have been happy if I didn't have a life before him. He resented my adult children and any time I spent with them. ... .Prior to breakup I mentioned a friend of mine and I were going to visit my daughter in another city he told me no I wasn't... .This isn't even 1/10th of the many things he did in his attempt to confine me. Writing this down really allows me to see what a ridiculous life I led for 8 years.

I could have written most of these words myself.  I am dealing with this issue right now with my adult daughter who lives in a neighboring state... .because this neighboring state is where much of my life prior to uBPDh was lived, he resents the entire state, and God forbid if I ever want/need to go there for anything!  Daughter chooses to stay away from us because of uBPDh's past behavior, so I am DISRESPECTING him by going to see her, too... .  How, oh how, do we lose so much of ourselves to this thing... .to even CONSIDER such ridiculous stances/demands?

[Englishman]

"adult discussion simply is not possible"

After 10 year with a BPD girlfriend I relate totally! We just broke up. She's 45 and has decided she needs to go clubbing with girls in there 20's all weekend! The number of times I've called her immature is amazing. She's says that she's "fun."