The Fixation

[kharma]

My BPD father is literally fixated on demeaning, ridiculing and placing me in the worst light possible. Over the years it has progressively gotten worse. It's to the point that it pretty much defines his whole identity. There isn't a day that passes that he doesn't demonize me and try to convince other family members to feel the same way. It's a scary fixation.

[P.F.Change]

How are you coping with that, kharma?

[Heartandsole]

Hang in there!  You are not what someone else says you are!  Imagine him as a clown or something really silly while he is devaluing you... .it may help devalue the words he uses.   

[kharma]

How are you coping with that, kharma?

Im barely hanging in there.

My own father treats me as a enemy, you would think that I was some stranger on the street the way he trashes and devalues me on a regular basis. Im trying to put the pieces together and figure out why did it get so bad. Was something said behind my back by my NMother?  Even when I work towards self improvement he trashes that. It hurts so bad

[Ziggiddy]

hi kharma

you have my sympathy. It's like no matter what, nothing is good enough, nothing ever will be good enough nothing ever WAS good enough.

I laughed at the suggestion of imagining him as a clown. I think what can be also useful in removing yourself from it emotionally is really understanding that these are all the secret accusations your father likely has against himself.

When I heard uBPDm going off on some bizarre negative trashingout of a 'friend' of hers I remember feeling this swing sensation - like I had shifted position and was actually listening to her describe herself. Every. Single. Dang. Word.

Now, when she has a stream of foul smelling insults spewing forth, I really know they have absolutely not one whit to do with me - they are an aspect of herself that is broken and can't connect inside her own head so she connects them with ANYONE else but herself. The irony is, it actually makes me feel superior as I can see it and she can't!

A friend once said to me that half of understanding people is often realizing to the fullest extent that they are holy snapping duck-do crazy.

I used to work with a woman who was concerned that interstate trucks were importing radioactive ants into our state. She used to go to entry points and examine the trucks thoroughly for these radioactive ants and then give the driver a mouthful when she ever found them.  They learned to just smile and thank her as clearly there were no ants on the vehicle. Is it possible for you to do that? Maybe realise your dad is just picking radioactive ants off you that no one can see but him because they don't exist anywhere else but in him?

I hope you can. i hope you see it has NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH YOU! he is probably just holy snapping duck-do crazy!

Ziggiddy

[funfunctional]

That is terribly sad.   I am sorry you are made to feel this way.  

Your father really is a bad parent.   Anyone can father a child but not everyone can step up and be a parent.   What an opportunity your dad has missed in his life to not value and respect what could be one of the most rewarding and loving relationships in his life.   His bad choice has "jipped" you of in having a positive parent/dad.    Now you got to stop trying to please him, impress him or show him in anyway that you are not what he thinks you are.  LET HIM thinks what he wants.  

I think the person who mentioned picturing a clown has the right idea.   Create some method of visualizing him and capturing him that reminds you this is HIM.   Nothign to do with you.    Picture a clown with missing teeth and you get to honk his nose everytime he says something insulting.    What was that old saying "I'm rubber and your glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and stick to you".

Healing is when you learn how to squeeze the pain out of his words and stop letting them whip you over and over.    :)o somethign the next time for YOU but do not do it to please him.  Let's face it - no matter what you do you won't be good enough because clown dad has the problem.  

Take care