A letter I was thinking on sending, looking for advice.

[Justsomeotherguy]

I just want to start off by saying all you guys are amazing, the stories you share, the unity the support, it's all absolutely astounding. I've been following this site for a very long time, probably over 2 years now. It's helped me a lot, but it's time I get involved more and helpyself recover and learn and share too.

Long story short I have dated my DBPD on and off for 3 years, it's always ended for me out of the blue, but after the first time I could see it coming when if did. This time was a disagreement, with a group we were both involved with, where she was asked if she was part of baiting another member, to the point that member quit. She was. But even the idea of being asked that question made her quit too. Since I was a good friend to one of the heads she asked me to talk to him, I was willing but I asked what she wanted as an outcome to the conversation, do you want back in, so you want an apology, what can I do to help. The answer was, "justice" and when I asked for what justice to her meant in the situation the response was "doing the right thing." So I asked what the right thing to do was here. To which I got " I already explained you never listen." And that was pretty much the last we communicated. She has since moved on, dating someone else. I know how it works, it's not personal, it's a need, but it does hurt. I truly want her to be happy even if it's not with me, I'll see her again at least once every two months based on different events and such we do. I don't want to leave on a bad note, so I wrote this thinking of sending it to wish her well and get my own closure.

Hey you, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for how messed up things got, I know neither of us wanted that. Never have. I don't want to leave things on a disagreement. I just want you know, I want the best for you, with or without me involved. I want you to be happy, I want you to succeed, I'm always on your side, always have been, always will be. I know you no longer want to talk or speak to me or really have anything at all to do with me, that's ok. I've had this happen a few times, I know it's not really personal. It's to protect you. So I'll honor that. I won't bother you, I won't push anything. That's not me going away, I'm always here for you, that's me doing my best to respect you and your wishes. You don't have to be a stranger, but if you do I understand. It's ok. We both should be happy.

Best of Luck,

My Name

[Mutt]

Hey you, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for how messed up things got, I know neither of us wanted that. Never have. I don't want to leave things on a disagreement. I just want you know, I want the best for you, with or without me involved. I want you to be happy, I want you to succeed, I'm always on your side, always have been, always will be. I know you no longer want to talk or speak to me or really have anything at all to do with me, that's ok. I've had this happen a few times, I know it's not really personal. It's to protect you. So I'll honor that. I won't bother you, I won't push anything. That's not me going away, I'm always here for you, that's me doing my best to respect you and your wishes. You don't have to be a stranger, but if you do I understand. It's ok. We both should be happy.

Best of Luck,

My Name

I like your letter. It is sincere, friendly, compassionate and not triggering. It's from the heart.

I don't think that there's a right or wrong here. Send it if you like. Be mindful that you may not get a response or a response that you like. If she cut you out she is engulfed. Take care of you. Thank you for sharing.

[goldylamont]

Hey you, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for how messed up things got, I know neither of us wanted that. Never have. I don't want to leave things on a disagreement. I just want you know, I want the best for you, with or without me involved. I want you to be happy, I want you to succeed, I'm always on your side, always have been, always will be. I know you no longer want to talk or speak to me or really have anything at all to do with me, that's ok. I've had this happen a few times, I know it's not really personal. It's to protect you. So I'll honor that. I won't bother you, I won't push anything. That's not me going away, I'm always here for you, that's me doing my best to respect you and your wishes. You don't have to be a stranger, but if you do I understand. It's ok. We both should be happy.

Best of Luck,

My Name

justsomeotherguy, is this letter really your honest feelings? i feel like this may be part of the problem with the r/s. to me this letter in a nutshell says "i am justsomeotherguy. i was the cause of the problems. nothing you did was wrong. no matter what you do in life i will always be there for you whenever it's convenient for you." in a way this may just be excusing and enabling her bad behavior.

being the "nice guy" all the time is just as much about control as being the uncaring 'fake-alpha' type guy. many men feel they can control a r/s by being 'nice' all the time and suppressing their emotions. avoiding conflict... .but ultimately it's never avoided.

also, regarding the last disagreement which you feel led to the breakup--i doubt it was this simple disagreement which led to the breakup. it's more likely that she wanted to breakup, and this led to the disagreement. if you've been on and off for 3 years, multiple breakups out of the blue, and seeing your response here--it feels like this to me: she knows she can 'break-up' with you any time she pleases. no matter what if she gets bored doing something else (or someone else) she can come back to you at any time. because as you stated, "I'm always here for you". if i were a woman who put her desires above anyone else, this is a free ticket to see other men whenever i wanted with the added comfort of knowing i could return whenever i wanted. it's a good deal for someone with BPD. but, is it a good deal for you?

i can't say this applies, but consider what i call the Breakup-2-Hookup Technique. Lots of us have gone through this without realizing it:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=230812.msg12478880#msg12478880

i think one BPD play that's often overlooked is what i call the breakup-2-hookup technique. i think many pwBPD don't want to 'cheat' technically, so they will up the abuse or manufacture a scene to cause the r/s to break up--with the intention of sleeping with someone else. then, when they have their fill they can resume/recycle the longer term r/s. this way, they can claim they weren't 'cheating'. but to me, the breakup-2-hookup is even worse, it's just as calculated and you have a heavy dose of abuse doled out to cause a 'break' in the first place. it's still sleeping around whilst hiding your motives... .it's perfect in a way since they can then blame the other person for pushing them away and causing them to sleep with someone else. extra free ammo to use at a later date.

[Justsomeotherguy]

I did end up sending the letter, It was more for me to take control of my own feelings and make some semblance of closure for me. I did get a response within seconds, it was "Why are you emailing me, Is your facebook broken." It was just a bait to another disagreement, I ignored it. Dealing with someone that thrives on conflict sometimes the only way you can win for you is not to fight. 

Justsomeotherguy was a username about a year or so ago, so since I didnt feel like creating another email just for this I kept it, It certainly shows how I felt at the time, I don't feel that way anymore. The disagreement we had is still something that obsesses her, she really started to hate an old friend of hers, wanted me to "fight for her." While I can understand why she doesn't like the person, what she was doing was way over the top and still is. I refused to have a part in fighting a battle that doesn't exist.

I agree goldylamont, the breakup-2-hookup cycle is brutal, I have certainly been part of that a few times. I'm doing my best just move on with my life not put it on hold, learn any tools I can here to better myself and hopefully move on. Right now I don't want to move one, I want to be back, but at this time that is very unhealthy for both of us, best thing I can do is grow.

[Mutt]

I don't the response was to trigger a disagreement. She dissociated because of her out of place feelings. It's the nature of the disorder.

Take care Justsomeothrrguy 

- Mutt

[Hamakua]

You probably won't like my take on it, and that's ok.   Your letters sounds like you are absolving her of any responsibility, taking what was wrong onto your own shoulders, and are hoping a pragmatic attitude will present her with reason so you two can get back together.  Know how I know?  I've written very similar letters in the past, and if she is truly BPD, all this does is leave you open to be recycled.

My early letters to my exBPDgf were of the same theme as the one you showed.  They were well crafted and would have been perfect if it was a normal relationship with maybe a lapse in judgement breakup.  For someone with BPD they served no other purpose but letting her know she could walk all over me.

A few years later and after more history (and me learning about BPD) I wrote her a totally different letter in response to something she sent me.  I essentially told her "I don't care what you do, that's on you, but you are-" and I laid out all the things she currently did wrong, hurt me, and what would happen if she continued.   I know it's hard to believe, and you think "If I confront her right now, she will hate me and never get back with me".  That might happen, but I was sure of the same thing with mine, and when I "laid down the law" she immediately stopped with the games.  The conversation didn't end and it was like talking to an adult for the first time.

We didn't get back together after this exchange, but she pined for me for a bit, going so far as to write blogs about me and then send me an unsolicited apology letter (half an apology letter). 

Maybe if I put my foot down sooner, things would have turned out different, but capitulating and shouldering all the blame will not at all help fix the problems in your relationship.   Challenging those problems could result in pushing her away, but you have to be willing to do that to get through to them on a level beyond their BPD and its symptoms.   It sucks because its scary.

Your letter sounds like a written walking on egg shells session.